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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive partner has just been arrested...

80 replies

purpleunicorn59 · 13/12/2020 13:53

And I feel so sad and lonely. He tried to run and seeing the panic in his face was awful. He has mental health issues and has been in jail before. I know I had to call them for myself and our daughter but I just feel so terrible like it's all my fault

OP posts:
Topseyt · 13/12/2020 16:12

Well done. Stay strong now and never let him back in.

SignOnTheWindow · 13/12/2020 16:20

You have done really, really well to get rid of him.

Your priority now is your daughter and to protect her you will need to free yourself of the mental control he clearly still has over you.

It's going to be a long hard road, but you've already taken the most difficult steps and should absolutely congratulate yourself for that.

Stay strong and well done. XXX

NoddyWithAVoddy · 13/12/2020 16:20

He's been in jail, he has MH issues and you're feeling terrible?
You should be dancing that he's gone and hoping he'll never return.

notapizzaeater · 13/12/2020 16:35

Call the police and tell them he's hidden your panic alarm. You need to be able to get help if needed.

Redwinestillfine · 13/12/2020 16:50

Being violent once is one time too many. Never doubt you did the right thing.

HollowTalk · 13/12/2020 16:56

If he is at the police station now, call and tell them he has your panic button - they need to get that from his house.

BrettAndersonscheekbones · 13/12/2020 17:00

When my husband was arrested earlier this year for similar, the police provided me with a panic alarm for indoors and another one that i could take out to the shops etc. He was given 3 weeks police bail which gave me time to apply for a non mol order.

AuntyMabelandPippin · 13/12/2020 17:04

He's only been violent a few times

Once was too many.

iwishiwasatcentralperk · 13/12/2020 17:04

OP, well done for protecting your daughter. You need to tell the police about the panic button.

You also need to block him on every possible platform and if he manages to get in touch then ignore him. If he threatens to kill himself then call the police who will be able to track him down. He is not your responsibility, and it is just another form of manipulation.

SS will work with you to keep your daughter safe, and that will mean having no contact with him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 17:05

@HollowTalk

If he is at the police station now, call and tell them he has your panic button - they need to get that from his house.
OP PLEASE DO THIS

Sorry for caps but it's so important, do it now.

ancientgran · 13/12/2020 17:06

If he has mental health issues you might have got him the help he needs. Don't view it as a negative, being cruel to be kind type of thing and of course you have to protect yourself and your daughter.

sage46 · 13/12/2020 17:14

You called the police for a very good reason. I wasted years feeling 'sorry ' and 'guilty' about a man like this. He has mental health problems, but he needs professional help. You need to put yourself and your child first believe me. Take care.

Yohoheaveho · 13/12/2020 17:24

he sounds very dangerous, very bad news, you cannot have this person in your life.
I hope he can get the help he needs but you are not the person to help him, you must be protected from him.

tenlittlecygnets · 13/12/2020 17:31

Op, what was he in prison for before??

What MH condition is he supposed to have? He sounds like a common or garden abuser to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

tenlittlecygnets · 13/12/2020 17:33

He's only been violent a few times in our 2 year relationship but it's more the mental manipulation and evil things he says.

Being violent once is too much! I suggest you do the Freedom Programme so you can rise your boundaries and not put up with shit behaviour in future relationships.

Well done for calling the police. He deserves it. Don't feel sorry for him. Did he feel sorry for you when he was violent to you or saying horrible things? No?

And does he treat anyone else like he treats you? Then he knows exactly what he's doing.

Stay safe. Block him on everything.

katy1213 · 13/12/2020 17:34

This is absolutely not your fault. Don't feel lonely; your sister will be supportive and you know you've done the right thing. And don't wobble and take him back; he's been in prison once, there's a good chance he'll be going down again - you don't need a man like this in your lives.

dublingirl66 · 13/12/2020 17:39

Oh gosh he is a bast--d

Social worker will help you

Tell them everything

How dare he
Vile piece of crap

Non mol order?
You will get through this xxxxxx

Butterymuffin · 13/12/2020 17:49

You haven't over reacted at all.

scrivette · 13/12/2020 17:51

Well done for calling, you made the right decision.

The Social Worker will want to work with you to make sure you have support in real life and to let you know what other support is available in your local community, they may do a couple of follow up visits or calls but are there to help you.

DuzzyFuck · 13/12/2020 17:52

Well done OP, you've done a very brave thing today for your DD.

This is HIS fault, not yours. I don't buy that he doesn't understand why or thinks you're over-reacting; someone who raises his hand to revel in you flinching knows EXACTLY what they're doing and knows it is wrong.

You and your DD will both be so much better off without him; it's hard to see now you're in such an emotional state but one day you'll look back and wonder why you didn't call them earlier.

Sending lots of strength and love to you Thanks

Alethiometrical · 13/12/2020 17:55

He has mental health issues

Plenty of people have mental health issues, but they don't abuse those close to them to the extent that they are arrested and serve a sentence.

You can have a mental illness and still be a violent abuser.

lazylump72 · 13/12/2020 17:56

OP Please please look on this as the last time...make tomorrow the first day of your new life..with out him.I promise you you won;t look back.Please find the strength .....

Original poster
purpleunicorn59 · 13/12/2020 22:22

Thankyou Thanks I thought I would feel free when he was finally gone but hopefully it will come with time

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 14/12/2020 00:34

@ancientgran

If he has mental health issues you might have got him the help he needs. Don't view it as a negative, being cruel to be kind type of thing and of course you have to protect yourself and your daughter.
She doesn’t Have to sort his mental health at all that’s down to him not her. Her priority is her daughter and herself only.
whistlesandbells · 14/12/2020 00:36

Please put yourself first. I didn't and I have paid an awful price. Family law and separation is not pleasant. If you are at risk move on, don't look back!

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