To feel so heartbroken.

[NotEver0]

My sister in law had her first child 5 months ago, since then shes been away with partner abroad for a week without their baby,had half a dozen mini breaks and too many dates to count ,all without the baby.Her baby is looked after by her parents,my inlaws,and her own inlaws and her two sisters ,she has no lack of support.Her baby is a dream child,she is so happy,lovely,joyful and sleeps well,just a really easy first child.I know comparison is the thief of joy,however I cant help it.i wish I didnt feel so.
My first child is now 10 years old.i brought him home from hospital after painful surgery due to a difficult birth.Not one person from my parents side or my inlaws offered to ever help me with him or take him off me even though I was alone while my husband worked all day and came home at night and I was struggling.

My son wasnt an easy child,despite trying everything and seeking all manner of professional help, he never slept and screamed for two whole years every night sleeping only a couple of hours here and there,sporadically throughout the day and night.
He never crawled,rolled over,looked at me,hated me holding him,just my touch would set off his screams,he never smiled,didnt babble.
At 2.5 he was diagnosed with Severe Autism Global development delay and severe learning disabilities.
He is 10 now,he has no speech,hes never said mummy.He pinches and grabs me and bites me(only me,)he has learned to hug me.Since his birth I can count on two hands the actual number of times hes been away from me to be babysat. Hes slept over once at my parents house and once at my in laws.both times I had to practically beg as they didnt reallyxwant to.
I know people will say oh well he sounds hard work and not everyone can handle a child like that,but the truth is neither can I but I still do it,hes still my son and their grandchild.
I can't help but compare with my sister in law.Shes never sleep deprived,I'm do sleep deficient that it's made me unwell and I've fainted numerous times.Shes with a 5 month old child and it's me with my 10 year old still living through the terrible baby stages all these years later.Its just so unfair.thats all i wanted to say,just wanted to say it cause I cant say it to anyone in real life
No I don't want to give him up,I love him with all my heart,i just wish my experience of parenthood hadn't been so soul destroying.

I am just heartbroken to read your thread and so sorry that you have been so, so badly let down, and you have been. I honestly don't think I could have much more to do with any of them. It is obviously their choice to help your SIL and you can make a choice too. Where is your husband in all of this? How does he feel about his sister's treatment? The strength of your reaction to all of this also tells you that you urgently need more help too, and perhaps you need to ask for it even louder. Is there any way you could ask both sets of parents to help more? Could you arrange respite? I wish you weren't having such a terrible, terrible time and weren't so unsupported.

So hard to not compare. So big hugs to you.
I'm 100% sure that your child knows that you are the one person they can rely on good, bad, hard and fun times. You're the one that gets the rough end (the negative bits) as you are the constant.
No words on how to deal with the comparing other than you're not the only one. You love that kid and they love you. X

You've had it really tough and you sound like an amazing mum

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, I don’t really know what to say other than I get it, my son has ASD and is a rotten sleeper and struggles day to day keeping his emotions in check and I went years without any support with him. I guess I just want you to know you’re not alone and it can be so hard being on the outside struggling, looking in at people who are having a much better time of it than you are. But know that your son is so lucky to have you as his mum.

Oh mama, it's tough to read this. I don't know what it's like to have a child with special needs but it's sounds like it's been hard and you're in need of a break. I'm sorry you've been let down by your family. My friend has two children with severe autism as well as intellectual disabilities. Her family and her husbands family are amazing but I know it can be relentless but again, I will never know what it's like to live or walk in her shoes.

It's ok to feel sad about this and it's normal to compare and to feel that sting, it's human. The life and child you dreamed of didn't happen and that's never easy to accept.

Where are you based? Are there respite services? School? Carers? Anyone who can help for you to have a break?

You are not unreasonable. Not one bit. I hope he has a good school and you get some support in that sense.

Who the fuck is saying you are unreasonable?
I bet it’s people who think you feel entitled to help.
Op - I feel for you. I’m in a similar situation, albeit with a severely physically disabled, non-verbal, global development delayed 3 year old. I’m 45. She’s barely slept. I’m exhausted but never show it. It gets laughed at. My in laws expect me to get a job. Cunts, I say. I will on my own terms.
PILS look after their grandson with autism and his sister. And their daughter’s two children.
They’ve been alone with my daughter for 3 minutes.
I get no help EVER.
MIL shows me videos of perfect children jumpy on trampolines and my niece climbing stairs. Sure, she’s including me.
But WHAT FUCKING handbook are these oh-so- keen family members reading?
It’s not the one that says, I’m going to help you. Sit down. Go to bed and rest. It’s never that one.
And MIL thinks the sun shines out of DH’s arse. That’s why he’s so fucking useless.
Sorry for the personal rant, I’m trying to show solidarity.
Comparison is the thief of joy blah blah bullshit. Anyone who calls you unreasonable is someone not worth knowing (even on an Internet forum).
I hope there is someone who helps you in real life??

I’m so sorry, OP. I can’t imagine how hard this has been, or how relentless this must feel. I’m so sorry.

All I can say is that you’ve spent 10 years being the mother your son needs, and even when it doesn’t feel like it he will know he can trust in your love for him

You've had and are still having a really tough time. Could you get some respite care? You really, really need and deserve a break.

You are an amazingly strong woman to cope with all of this, and on the flip side (and not to encourage comparison which is futile and disheartening) not many people could cope - it breaks a lot people. Your son might not be able to express it, but he loves you and you are a world class mama.

I don't want to give you false hope, but my autistic brother used to be extremely aggressive, didn't sleep, was extremely controlling over all of us but particularly my mum and is so much improved now he is an, adult. He is still very hard work and very difficult at times but he is a different person compared to back then and we look back on those really tough years with almost a sense of wonder at remembering what our lives were like

Just wanted to say you are not alone feeling the way you do. My eldest son is 8 and severely disabled, my parents are utterly useless both emotionally and with helping me with him. They’ve never offered to babysit etc. I also have a neurotypical 2 year old and they are a bit more willing to be involved with him but not like how I imagined a grandparents role should be like I see often on here such as actively wanting to see him/ babysit overnight/ go on days out etc.

My sister recently had twins and my mother rushed over to spend the week with her and will babysit when asked.

It’s absolutely heartbreaking and makes me so angry that I now have minimal contact with them all. They are very off with me when I do make contact nowadays as it’s so sporadic and they clearly don’t seem to understand why (sort of people that never think they are in the wrong) but I’m so hurt by how they have been that I don’t care.

Sorry I can’t offer any useful advice but I just wanted to say that your not alone in feeling this way.

It's so hard to read this and I honestly filled up, op you are an amazing mum and there's no doubt that your son loves you dearly and you will be his world

You've been let down by your family I would find it hard to hold it in and yanbu at all. Is there any help out there respite care or something you can get? You need a break x

This was hard to read to just imagine what you are going through. I'm so sorry you are not getting the help you desperately deserve. Shame on your family for not stepping up and helping you shame on his family too. How dare they. You have every right to be hurt and angry. I'm hurt and angry for you.
Like pp have you looked into respite care or any of the social services care packages.
I know you have to scream and shout quite a bit to these places to get the help you need and they can offer but please do it for your own mental well being and health.
Are you in the UK?
If you were my friend or family I would bloody help you.

Thank you all for being kind to me.I didnt know if people were going to be harsh and say that's life,I know it is,but sometimes it's so hard to get passed the why me?why us?,why my poor boy?sometimes the unfairness of it overwhelms me so much and it leaves me wanting to run out of my head.

Definitely not unreasonable OP

I have no experience with children who are autistic but I can empathise with the lack of support at least. I have no family in this country and a husband who works long hours. 14 month age gap between DC and I did it all on my own with no help from parents or in laws or brothers or sisters to take DC away for a night or have them for a few hours so I could get a break. But that's nothing compared to your day to day living now, still, after so many years. You're doing an amazing job!

Is there any way you could get any respite through social care? It’s such a fight to get any support. Of course YANBU and you clearly love your child but that doesn’t mean it’s not bloody difficult for you and that support would make a world of difference.

Your situation sounds extremely tough. I don't know how I'd manage to be honest so my hat is well and truly off for you. I know he's your child and you love him despite everything but it doesn't make it easier.

Having said that, it's not your SILs fault that you've have the experience you have. It's up to her how she parents and I don't think it's a helpful way of viewing things. Comparing your situations will only make you feel worse and if she finds out about you saying these kinds of things, you may damage relationships.

OP, I’ve nothing useful to offer you. But I’m so sorry you’re so unsupported by family.

OP I really feel for you, it sounds extremely tough for you. Your son must feel so loved and safe even if you don't think so. The saying it takes a village to raise a child is so true. This whole way of life so many lead now away from families and friends isn't right. I don't know if your finances would allow but could you afford a nanny a couple of days a week? Many nannies are experienced in looking after autistic children.

sorry, it sounds so tough...I don't know what else to say, life is so unfair

Your story actually brought me to tears OP. I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through. I agree with PP that even though he isn't able to show it all the time, your son knows you love him. You are his safe place. And he loves you even though it won't feel like that most of the time.

As for your SIL I think you just have to close yourself off to it. Acknowledge your feelings of resentment, jealousy whatever you want to call it (and there is nothing wrong with having those feelings by the way!) And then you can try to move on emotionally.

I don't know who has voted that YABU but since they haven't commented to explain their decision they're probably just trolling wankers. IGNORE!

Sending you

I’m so sorry you feel this way.

But you are so strong.

I am so sorry to read this. I wish things get better for you. I know how you feel. When we are going through hell, our family and friends can keep us going and make us feel less lonely and isolated. This makes a huge difference. You are an absolute star

That sounds so difficult and I'm very sorry that you have such a painful experience of parenthood.

I'm so sorry, OP. I know there's nothing any of us can say to make it better magically. Life can feel so unfair sometimes.