To feel so heartbroken.

[NotEver0]

My sister in law had her first child 5 months ago, since then shes been away with partner abroad for a week without their baby,had half a dozen mini breaks and too many dates to count ,all without the baby.Her baby is looked after by her parents,my inlaws,and her own inlaws and her two sisters ,she has no lack of support.Her baby is a dream child,she is so happy,lovely,joyful and sleeps well,just a really easy first child.I know comparison is the thief of joy,however I cant help it.i wish I didnt feel so.
My first child is now 10 years old.i brought him home from hospital after painful surgery due to a difficult birth.Not one person from my parents side or my inlaws offered to ever help me with him or take him off me even though I was alone while my husband worked all day and came home at night and I was struggling.

My son wasnt an easy child,despite trying everything and seeking all manner of professional help, he never slept and screamed for two whole years every night sleeping only a couple of hours here and there,sporadically throughout the day and night.
He never crawled,rolled over,looked at me,hated me holding him,just my touch would set off his screams,he never smiled,didnt babble.
At 2.5 he was diagnosed with Severe Autism Global development delay and severe learning disabilities.
He is 10 now,he has no speech,hes never said mummy.He pinches and grabs me and bites me(only me,)he has learned to hug me.Since his birth I can count on two hands the actual number of times hes been away from me to be babysat. Hes slept over once at my parents house and once at my in laws.both times I had to practically beg as they didnt reallyxwant to.
I know people will say oh well he sounds hard work and not everyone can handle a child like that,but the truth is neither can I but I still do it,hes still my son and their grandchild.
I can't help but compare with my sister in law.Shes never sleep deprived,I'm do sleep deficient that it's made me unwell and I've fainted numerous times.Shes with a 5 month old child and it's me with my 10 year old still living through the terrible baby stages all these years later.Its just so unfair.thats all i wanted to say,just wanted to say it cause I cant say it to anyone in real life
No I don't want to give him up,I love him with all my heart,i just wish my experience of parenthood hadn't been so soul destroying.

Oh OP what a heartbreaking post. Your in-laws should be ashamed of themselves. You and your DS are their family and it may be hard, but they should help - not through obligation but because they love you both and they should want to help. Unfortunately some people are just not like that. You are definitely not being unreasonable to crave some support and some time to yourself. I can only imagine how it’s irked you over the years but to now have it completely rubbed in your face with the arrival of your sIL baby would have me seeing red too.
What does your DH say about it?
Sending you a virtual hug and vent away x

You really, really need respite care. Keep reapplying, it took me 6 years and three attempts but we have just got it (ds is 10). SS did another referral to PALMS despite me telling them we have seen them twice before and it is pointless (he has a neurological disability not a MH condition) but when the referral came up I told them how much we needed respite and they wrote a brilliant letter to SS backing us up. I think this swung it.

My advice would be to not think about your SIL and her experience. She is living a life you would give everything to have with your son, and that hurts like hell, but you have what you have.

Do try and go easy on yourself, counselling might also help

I am so sorry sorry OP. You sound like an amazing mum

I am strong,I know it.My God the amount of times I've dragged my broken self from that proverbial ledge are too many.The tears I've cried,the loneliness I've felt,the sheer hopelessness at our situation have dragged me through the past ten years on my knees, but I've kept going and I shall continue to fight for him and love him and keep him safe till my death.

I've asked for help so many times from both sides of our family.The excuses and not picking up my call knowing I'm upset,knowing im going to ask again for help, has hurt me more than any physical pain ever could.If family had supported me I would never have felt so hurt.

To the poster who thinks I should not resent my sis in law and thinks she will find out I think this,I think really it wouldn't take a genius to know at some level from her side i must feel awful. I am happy for her and love my baby niece but hurt by our families lack of support.

Utterly heartbreaking OP.

Totally human to feel as you do.

Some people get dealt such a tough load to carry in life.

I'm so sorry.

YADNBU. Sending you love OP

Oh OP.
Have you got friends who could help, in any way.?
My angry post above was because I feel the rage and sadness with you.
I’m going to be harsh.. your family don’t deserve consideration. You’ve done so well with your son. Whatever they do now would be too late.
Have you got anyone who can help you?

I dont think it's resentment of your SIL so much, OP, it's a smack in the face and a reminder of just how different and how hard your life is. That's not the same as resentment really, it's heartbreak.

Sending you love OP - it must be very hard to bear this

My DH was dealt a pretty bad hand in comparison to how his two siblings were treated from birth, for reasons too complicated to go into here. It's made him the person he is today. I come from a more stable upbringing and I'm constantly having to put myself in his position to appreciate the very different perspective he has on everyday life.

Hi NotEver0, I have been lurking on Mumsnet for 8 years now, since my first child was born. I never intended to join, but really valued the advice from posters in similar situations so have frequently found it invaluable. Anyway, your post has finally prompted me to join as it has really upset me. I don't know where you are from but I honestly would help you without question with babysitting your son if you are at all near me (Hampshire). Obviously I would prove my suitability and DBS. I know it's a long shot, but if you're not near me I really think people in your local area would be equally as moved by your post if you can find a way to let them know you need the support? I have worked with many severely autistic children and adults throughout my career, and am sure there must be other suitable babysitters available near you? I am so sorry your family isn't stepping up to offer help, that's so upsetting.

When I see the title and read the first few lines I thought ‘here we go’ and was thinking YABU....

but by the end of your post I done a complete uturn as what followed the initial few lines were not what I expected.

It’s shit for some people OP. As you say you love your child more than anything but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard going under the circumstances.

Sending love OP xxx

Thinking of you xx

OP, I get it. I try not to compare our lives to others although it's difficult not to at times. We have to celebrate the little milestones and have our own different joys and ups and downs with our special children. You are not alone, if you want to vent or talk any time please pm me xx

You are so strong OP. Truly, I don’t know how you have managed to do SO WELL for 10 years! You are absolutely inspiring.

Please shout and make a fuss for support. There must be some sort of scheme/charity/organisation that could offer you some help, even if it’s just a few hours for you to catch up on your sleep.

You’re amazing. You’re so strong. Lots of love, prayers and well wishes your way

You are amazing op, of course yanbu

You’re not being unreasonable to feel that you have been dealt a bad hand by life. But it’s not fair to be resentful of your SIL just because she doesn’t have the same problems that you gave in your life. You didn’t choose your life and she didn’t choose hers. It’s just how things happen. My sister had two beautiful children exactly two years apart, just as she planned. I had seven rounds of IVF and the only one that worked was an ectopic. After 20 years of TTC we have reached the end of the road and are now facing life childless. Life isn’t fair. But I don’t begrudge my sister her happiness and her nice life just because mine didn’t go to plan.

I'd feel the same as you OP. Life is terribly unfair, I'm so sorry that the hand you've been dealt is such a hard one. You have every right to feel how you do, and where better than here to let it out? Wishing you all the strength xx

Oh how heartbreaking op
My DD is being assessed for ADHD and the difference she gets between DS and my nephew and niece is phenomenal. Whereas they can choose their 'cheekiness' DD is as she's always been and always poorly compared.

That's nowhere near your DS' level. Though I hope you can take some comfort in knowing all those victories are yours. Those that don't get it will never know the joy of those hugs.

Have you had a full care assessment by social services recently? This should have been done automatically but most local authorities don't bother unless pushed. It does sound like you would be entitled to some help at home and respite care.

Really sorry you’re going through this and you’re entitled to feel the way you do. You’re right comparison is the thief of joy but we all do it. I’ve no advice just wanted to say you sound like an amazing mum and I’m so sorry you’ve drawn the short straw on the parenthood experience

I'm so sorry it's been so hard for you. Are you entitled to any payments for him so you can employ a PA to take him out or do something with him to give you a bit of a break?
Sorry if you already have this i was just wondering. I know it's not the same as having family support but at least it would be something

@OptimisticMonkey thank you lovely stranger ,your generous kind offer means alot to this mum who unfortunately is far to far from you.

It's funny but our situation,the lack of family love, support and empathy has taught Me so much about empathy,its increased mine towards others tenfold, its made me so compassionate,made me hold my son tighter and closer and with fierce protection.

I feel that they are unlucky to not know him,even though knowing him seems impossible, they dont know he likes his skin strokes,it soothes him,he likes his tummy tickled,he likes strong hands to cover his ears when hes upset,he adores playing with water and his smile can light up a city and lift my heavy weary heart every single time.Theres so many things they dont know about the grandson they chose not to know he because he was too much work.

Oh I love seeing you talk so passionately about your son, they are definitely the ones missing out!

Yanbu I feel for you. DH & I have never had any support from either of our families yet ALL our siblings have had it gushed all over them. We do everything ourselves, we never get a break like most people, if we want an hour or 2 alone it's when they are at school and have to use up annual leave. It use to bother me and I still get bitter occasionally but not like I use to. My FIL knows every single detail about all my DHs nephew and nieces, full names, friends names, likes/dislikes, would pick them up from school, they have their own rooms at his house, yet he dosnt even know any of our DCs full names and always gets their surname wrong. I've never heard him say I love you once to my DCs, yet he showeres all the others in i love yous, hugs, kisses and gifts, he did it twice in front of my DCs and left them out, I didn't go nuts but he didn't see them for a long time and now it's on our terms and we avoid all get togethers with my DHs siblings & DCs there so there is no obvious favourites. But there would never ever be an offer to have them stay or even watch them for an hour so we could have a break but he would drop everything every time his other DCs want nights out or holidays.

My own family is just as bad.

The way I look at it when our DCs are older they will know we did it all ourselves because we loved them. I understand that will be harder if your DC dosnt understand your sacrifices. But you do and just feel proud of yourself. Fuck anyone else, just focus on you and your DC as you are the only things that matter x