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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so heartbroken.

69 replies

NotEver0 · 12/12/2020 22:28

My sister in law had her first child 5 months ago, since then shes been away with partner abroad for a week without their baby,had half a dozen mini breaks and too many dates to count ,all without the baby.Her baby is looked after by her parents,my inlaws,and her own inlaws and her two sisters ,she has no lack of support.Her baby is a dream child,she is so happy,lovely,joyful and sleeps well,just a really easy first child.I know comparison is the thief of joy,however I cant help it.i wish I didnt feel so.
My first child is now 10 years old.i brought him home from hospital after painful surgery due to a difficult birth.Not one person from my parents side or my inlaws offered to ever help me with him or take him off me even though I was alone while my husband worked all day and came home at night and I was struggling.

My son wasnt an easy child,despite trying everything and seeking all manner of professional help, he never slept and screamed for two whole years every night sleeping only a couple of hours here and there,sporadically throughout the day and night.
He never crawled,rolled over,looked at me,hated me holding him,just my touch would set off his screams,he never smiled,didnt babble.
At 2.5 he was diagnosed with Severe Autism Global development delay and severe learning disabilities.
He is 10 now,he has no speech,hes never said mummy.He pinches and grabs me and bites me(only me,)he has learned to hug me.Since his birth I can count on two hands the actual number of times hes been away from me to be babysat. Hes slept over once at my parents house and once at my in laws.both times I had to practically beg as they didnt reallyxwant to.
I know people will say oh well he sounds hard work and not everyone can handle a child like that,but the truth is neither can I but I still do it,hes still my son and their grandchild.
I can't help but compare with my sister in law.Shes never sleep deprived,I'm do sleep deficient that it's made me unwell and I've fainted numerous times.Shes with a 5 month old child and it's me with my 10 year old still living through the terrible baby stages all these years later.Its just so unfair.thats all i wanted to say,just wanted to say it cause I cant say it to anyone in real life
No I don't want to give him up,I love him with all my heart,i just wish my experience of parenthood hadn't been so soul destroying.

OP posts:

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 13/12/2020 00:08

Sending sympathy and hoping you get the help you need and deserve. Xx

IdblowJonSnow · 13/12/2020 00:22

Yanbu. Sounds immensely difficult. Is there anyone else who might help? Any respite services?

OptimisticMonkey · 13/12/2020 00:22

That's a shame you're too far from me, I wish I could help you. Please don't give up asking people for help, maybe students/postgraduates wanting experience if you have a university near you? I ran a volunteering scheme whilst at uni that offered respite sessions during the day at weekends, so there might be similar available? I'm genuinely sorry I can't help you. Best wishes to you and your son xxx (and yes I have lurked more than long enough to know kisses are not the done thing on Mumsnet but tough, you deserve them!)

SRS29 · 13/12/2020 00:26

Totally their loss.......you sound like an amazing mum 😊

dhisreadingmypostsagain · 13/12/2020 00:37

You sound so so lovely what an awful way to be treated by your very own family 😢

WorrierorWarrior · 13/12/2020 00:39

I am sorry you are having such a hard time of it with your DC and the other family members. You are doing amazingly in very difficult circumstances. I can understand your dreadful tiredness.

I can understand your distress at the rest of the family not giving you a break by babysitting for a few hours or having the DC overnight at times. It just adds to the exhaustion.
To look at this from another angle it is not everyone who can cope with disabled people (adults or children) and maybe your wider family come into that category. Maybe the are concerned that they don't have the knowledge to cope with a "different" child. In my own case it would depend on the disability and how that presents. If I was related to a family with a child like you described I might not feel able to cope with caring for the child but I would come over and try to help by doing as much of your housework as possible to see if that could help you.
I noticed a very similar position when I was carer to my elderly and very ill DM. I had to do it all on my own, no-one offered to take over for an afternoon, I could not even get to a Doctor appointment. It was hard going but I would not have changed a thing.
Keep on going and try to get respite from SS or NHS. Get as much information about your entitlement to help with your DC and use every possible avenue.
Best wishes

Italiangreyhound · 13/12/2020 00:40

This is so difficult, I am so sorry.

Notthe9oclocknewsathon · 13/12/2020 00:41

Oh you are so nbu @NotEver0. Sounds really hard. My best advice as a professional is to ring up SS on a really bad day and cry at them saying you don’t know how to keep going. Say you are so tired you can’t function. The horrible reality is if you had a breakdown SS would have to find care for him. They know that so it’s absolutely in the countries interests to help parents of disabled children. Some parents get respite care in your shoes and many others don’t. Often there is no rhyme or reason other than those who do have been more open/savvy with SS. Register with the GP as a carer, tell them you need them to write to SS to say they need to support you. Get your sons school to write and say how much help you need. Given what’s happened with your parents it must be really hard to fight for that help. You’re probably too exhausted to have the energy. Perhaps that’s where other people can help. There might be people who wouldn’t have your son but can help with form filling?

You are a remarkable woman, but you didn’t ask to be. You didn’t ask to be strong. You didn’t ask for people to say ”I don’t know how you cope”. How often do people say that but how often do people actually help?! i just wanted to say how much what you do every day counts. It counts for your son. I hope you can find ways to make life easier.

Keeva2017 · 13/12/2020 00:47

What heartless, empathy lacking see you next Tuesdays voted this op was being unreasonable? What is wrong with you people?

Sorry op, your post was heartbreaking to read and I wish you had more support around you and your son.

Snowstorming · 13/12/2020 00:54

Your description of your son was touching, what a lovely young man you are raising. I am sure he will grow up to appreciate all you have done for him.

Also, if you’re anywhere near West Yorkshire or Lancashire I would also like to extend the offer of ANY help you need. Whether it’s babysitting (DBS of course), cooking a few meals, cleaning up, doing a food shop, anything at all honestly. We are all here for you

Lofari · 13/12/2020 00:54

OP i promise you are not alone! My son is 5, severe autism global delay, non verbal, and has a physical disability to boot.
My family and inlaws are NOWHERE. We have zero help. Some days I'm ok with this sod them sort of logic.
But some days......why him? Why us? None of us asked for this life and fuck me its hard.

MLMsuperfan · 13/12/2020 00:58

It's not fair, is it? Some of us are called to give so much for so little back. You deserved better, OP. But it seems like you rose admirably to meet the demands that life has made on you.

fraudanddeception · 13/12/2020 01:01

Original poster

NotEver0 · 13/12/2020 01:02

I'm overcome with the kindness of you all.

The things that I've noted over the years which I think make it all too uncomfortable for my parents and in laws are as follows
My son screeches and giggles and squeals loudly as he cant speak,they feel embarrassed by this and it's hard to have conversation at times when hes loud,however hes only trying to Express himself
He can grab and pull ,but will only do it to me,babies do this too,hes trying to gain my attention
He doesn't sleep,yes my goulish eyes are testament to this,perhaps that's what's actually scaring them!
He is a fussy messy eater,just like a child learning to eat ,hes spoon fed
Hes still in nappies, he has no understanding of using the toilet,but he understands and complies well with getting changed
Hes on the go,you need to watch him,that's obviously too much hard work and should only be done by me
He gets stared at when out,obviously I should only deal with the judgement when he melts down or refuses to walk.

These are just some of the things which make life so hard,my in laws and parents know this,have witnessed all these behaviours, its just all to uncomfortable for them.

Even when he was tiny they refused to help,they knew nothing about his disabilities then.they are all more than able,just unwilling.Ill never get over it.prior to having my son I thought my relationship with both sets of families was wonderful. When the going got tough everyone close to me abandoned me.

OP posts:

wildraisins · 13/12/2020 01:03

It must be so hard watching your sister seemingly not appreciating her healthy child after everything you've been through. Have you considered some counselling or talking therapy to discuss these feelings? Sometimes like you say it's really helpful just to let it out and be able to voice your authentic feelings without being judged. (And no one should be judging you - you are amazing!)

houseinthesnow · 13/12/2020 06:42

Op I really feel for you. What a terrible way to be treated. Given the situation you were and are in, their unconditional support should have been there.

I hope you can find help outside of your family. Please contact every agency and charity that you can to assist you now, to help you through what is clearly a very difficult time. As for your family - I would go very low contact, and ensure you are not on any social media to see photos etc. It will painful to watch this over the next few years, and you might find your mental health and wellbeing is compromised.

Look for love and support outside of your family. They do not sound like nice people at all, and you and your lovely son will be better off without them (I felt most sad about your comment about them being embarrassed of him, that must be so hurtful) Your son is blessed to have you. Do what you can to support your self care. for you

lollipoprainbow · 13/12/2020 10:10

Sending you I have an 8 year old dd with ASD and it can be tough but nothing compared to what you are going through.

formerbabe · 13/12/2020 10:37

Please remember op when they're old, infirm and need help, DON'T DO IT...you have got no support, you have enough caring duties...it's not on you. Your sil can do it.

billy1966 · 13/12/2020 11:06

@formerbabe

Please remember op when they're old, infirm and need help, DON'T DO IT...you have got no support, you have enough caring duties...it's not on you. Your sil can do it.

I completely agree with this.

OP, you sound so lovely.

It's heartbreaking to read how hard so many women have it in life.

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