Aibu to think you don't truly know your partner until you have kids?

[BoredBoredBored36]

I don't know if this is just me and the people I know or if its more common, would be interesting to find out.

I was with my husband for over 10 years before we had children. We had our usual ups and downs and disagreements but nothing serious and not very often. We were happy and we both wanted children .
From almost day one of having a child everything changed. I suppose my priorities changed, the kids came first for everything and I was so tired I suppose I didn't have enough of myself to give to my husband . We plodded on and had another child. I love being a mum and he loves being a dad, but we have a lot of disagreements over the children as they get older . This is due to different parenting styles. Husband is strict , I am not. We don't tend to fall out over anything else apart from the kids . They are 7 and 10 now. I often find myself wishing my husband wasn't here. Wishing we were separated so I could parent the kids my own way. He is a good dad and does everything for them . Its just that we are different kinds of parents and never seem to be on the same page. I can see it getting worse as they become teenagers. Its highlighted at the moment as I'm a sahm and he's working from home so is here much more than usual. I often think that if I had had a crystal ball I wouldn't of picked him to have children with. Even though our relationship was fine beforehand.

My own parents have told me similar. They are still together after 40 years & I think they are happier now their kids are adults. They are fantastically grandparents. But they both tell me that nearly all of their arguments were because of me!

My school gate mum friends are always complaining about their husbands and its always something to do with the kids. Usually that the husband doesn't do enough.

I read on here almost daily how the woman is so often disappointed at what kind of father their husband has turned out to be.

Have any of you been through this and come out the other side with a good relationship still intact once your kids have grown? Or did you end up separating because of it?

Becoming parents together is a stress test for any relationship.

Your children aren't very very young so you've managed to come this far together, and in your post you acknowledge he's a good dad, but you just have different parenting styles.

I think the pandemic probably has a lot to do with this, especially if you are now both working from home and getting under each others feet more than usual.

I would single out the things that are bothering you the most to talk to him about and decide on the things you can compromise on or let go.

You're not alone, and I think even those with rock solid relationships are finding it hard right now.

Definitely come out the other side. We had very different thoughts on upbringing plus I'd lost a child (before DH) which plunged rational, pragmatic me into a PTSD state. So, so difficult for everyone involved.

But... three DCs later, over twenty years of marriage and things are good. There is that fundamental love and trust there and that's what's kept us going (and sense of humour and similar political views!).

Young children are like putting a bomb into a relationship.

It was hard. I look back and think it was well worth it though.

I was worried about this, because we were raised very differently, so we discussed parenting a LOT before we decided to TTC. There has been a lot of compromising on things, and also an understanding that we'll do things differently in some cases and that will be fine. The big stuff we agreed on.

I think unfortunately in our current society, that level of ridiculous knitty gritty in discussion prior to fact is quite unusual- we often don't speak about finances prior to marriage, or plans around SAHP, or beliefs around sleep training, weaning, feeding, discipline- all of those last bunch would be seen as "counting your chickens" or obsessing, or being clueless around the realities of parenting and lots of peiple laughed at us when we did it, in a kinda "ha, they'll learn the hard way when the baby arrives" sort of way but it's all been absolutely invaluable, even if we haven't stuck to it!

Normalise overly granular future planning!

Regarding your school gate pals, it's not a popular opinion, but i think it's actually very rare that a previously decent man doing his fair share with zero red flags becomes a lazy dickhead when he has kids. For every one of my friends this has happened to there were warning signs ignored pre-baby.

In my personal case I disagree- I'd been with DH for 15 years before we had kids. He's changed but exactly how I thought he would and I'm sure he'd say the same about me.
We're different as parents than we were as just a couple (significantly less hedonistic) but I knew he would be a great father and he is.

@Ohalrightthen

See I think you can talk about how you'd raise kids all you want before you have them but it doesn't compare to when you actually have them. Nothing can prepare either of you properly.

Yep we've had a very similar experience. Together over 10 years before kids. Always got along fine.

Since kids we only bicker about parenting. Like you, he's stricter than I am. Neither of us are to the extreme but it's still enough to cause arguments especially when were tired or hormonal.

I think distance makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe get a part time job to have a break away from home. And look forward to next year when hopefully he can return to the office!

Becoming parents was a big stress test for us, DS was unwell and premature, we were both exhausted, I had a traumatic labour, I'm a very independent person so struggled a little bit being off work for a year, not being the main breadwinner, just being mum and DH sometimes tries to make me feel better which I don't always respond brilliantly to. BUT I haven't changed my view around who he is as a person or how I thought he'd be as a father, he was more anxious initially when DS was tiny, in part due to his complications health-wise I think, but he's a lovely dad and we are very much on the same page around how to parent/raise DS.
Some of this is that we share core beliefs and values, some of it if that I feel strongly about something and it is reasoned and evidenced (who I am and a very big part of my career), DH respects my views and is happy to give things a go my way, and if it doesn't work out I am reflective enough to recognise that and not just stubbornly stick to my way. But those are the things that made us best friends for 15 years first and then a strong couple for the past 11. So no surprises for me.

[quote liveitwell]@Ohalrightthen

See I think you can talk about how you'd raise kids all you want before you have them but it doesn't compare to when you actually have them. Nothing can prepare either of you properly.[/quote]
Yes, that's exactly the reaction I was talking about. Regardless of whether it prepares us for reality, it was an incredibly useful exercise because it gave us both a chance to understand the other's priorities and philosophies and duke out any necessary compromises before the baby actually arrived.

@Ohalrightthen my husband was always very good with things like cooking, housework etc. But when the baby came he wanted nothing to do with her,never once got up in the night with her despite it being him who wanted children.

Fatherhood was nothing like what he expected and he coped by becoming increasingly absent and actively looking for jobs that required him to work away from home.

Now the children are teens he is a much better father, but our marriage did not survive.

Every so often, there’s a thread on here with someone in dicey relationship or one night stand where they’ve got pregnant, and “he’ll step up, right?” And I just think oh nooooo. It’s so so very hard on even the strongest relationship.

Completely agree.

I know I’ve changed from having kids - as had DP - and it’s just luck that we’ve more or less changed in same direction.

Or another similarly life-changing, relentless and stressful situation (caring for you through serious illness, etc) which tests his selflessness, commitment and resilience.

Totally agree! DH used to be so laid back and now he snaps at the kids all the time. I am also more shouty than I used to be but I shout when I have asked the kids 10 times to put their shoes on, not because they fell over.

We are totally different people now.

Unfortunately we didn't come out of the other side of it, separated when dc were 5 & 4, I was left to do absolutely everything, xh spent very little time with us preferring the pub after work to family life. Now we're divorced we co parent well, have the dc 50/50 so he has been forced to step up. We actually get on better now but I have zero feelings for him, the resentment took away any love I had for him. I think if you've made it to 7 & 10 you're past the hardest bit, the wfh situation is likely exacerbating everything and hopefully next year you'll get back onto an even keel

I think you're absolutely right and this is what people mean when they say children throw a rocket into your relationship.

I feel quite lucky in some ways that I already had DS1 when I got together with DH as it meant I had a sense of that from the beginning. DS2 hasn't made any waves in our relationship, in fact it's better.

It's so hard to know. It's impossible before you have kids to understand exactly what you're looking for in a Co-parent.

I’ve found having kids really tough on our marriage. They’re very close together (11.5 months apart) and are still only 2 and 3 so we’re kind of in the thick of it now. He’s a wonderful dad, very hands on, and I have no issues with his parenting style. It’s just that we have NO time or energy for ‘us’ and I feel like we’re just co-parents / housemates at the moment. I love him and he’s loving and kind, but there’s very little affection / intimacy as everything is focused on the kids and we’re often bickering - covid doesn’t help as we can’t get out and about, have date nights etc as we might normally. We’re both WFH in stressful jobs, so it’s just the 4 of us 24/7 and once the kids are finally in bed we both just want to sleep too! I also get much more irritated with him over minor things than I ever used to, I guess cos I’m just so tired and stressed all the time.

I’m hoping things will get better as the kids become more independent and we can sort of reignite our relationship. At the moment things are so relentless it’s kind of just surviving.

So from my perspective it’s not that I didn’t know him before, it’s just having kids has massively impacted our relationship and removed our ability to just be with each other (obviously!)

I don’t regret having kids with him at all - in fact I think he was a great choice as a father - but I do miss our marriage.

Yip. Turned out my husband is an even better man than I already thought he was. I was ill while pregnant and for a year
Afterwards and my husband was amazing.

Totally agree. Fucks me off massively when posters on here say "Why did you have children with him?" My husband was the love of my life and a fabulous friend and partner until I got pregnant and then it all just fell apart - we ended up separating when dd was 4 after 15 years together. I could never have predicted what an impact dd would have on our relationship. He is still a crap father now and she is a teenager. I do think when you have kids you pull together or fall apart and for us. I did not recognise the man he became and there were no warning signs it would happen - I would have split long before we did but I was so stunned by what was happening and I just expected him to go back to who he had been, but he never did or has since.

Maybe it’s an age thing. Compatibility and life goals? My husband and I were in our late thirties when we had DC and had been together a while. We had discussed parenting styles long before the reality and we are, pretty much, what we said we’d be.

We have never argued about how we parent now I think about it.

If I’d had a child within a previous long term relationship, then without doubt there would have been a different outcome but that’s more to do with being a different person then and life stage. Children add a pressure to relationships from financial to simple logistics.

If a relationship is strong you can work around this. If it isn’t the pressures can make things seem very different indeed I’d say.

It’s not that DP is a bad dad just that I didn’t realise what the really important things are when choosing a ore risk baby daddy as opposed to a DP, IYKWIM?

Thanks for your comments. Seems to be quite common then after reading the comments so far.
We both love having kids, and don't get me wrong we have amazing times together and so many fab memories with the kids (holiday's, days out etc) but its just all overshadowed by the day to day drudgery and I think that's what I'll end up remember the most and this makes me sad.
Sometimes ill say to him "I can't believe we are arguing about this!" Or "i can't believe our lives are like this now! Arguing about how long our child can play on an xbox for!"
On top of that our son has sen which causes a lot of stress for us aswell and I'm always worrying about him. My husband has never accepted that our child even has sen ! Makes me so frustrated

For me, I don’t feel like having kids has made me see a side of my partner I didn’t know. But I get how having less time and patience for each other can change the dynamic. It is a testing time.

If your parents rowed about parenting a lot this might be learned behaviour and it’s possible you might feel this way about any partner’s parenting style. I don’t know.

Hmm not sure about this, I'm sure it does happen that a really great loving, generous partner becomes a dick after dc arrives, but more often I've seen that people haven't changed. Eg, I've been hearing about friends arguments with their DP and complaints that they are lazy for years (10+ years in some cases), after dc they are exactly the same.

I think people do truely know their DP but they choose to not worry about it. I am not judging this as the perfect dp doesn't exist so you have to settle somewhat if you want one. But it's a little disingenuous to say later "I never knew!".

^^ From almost day one of having a child everything changed

I agree in my case. Although we didn’t live together before hand and I truly wish we had of done before having DS.