Aibu to think you don't truly know your partner until you have kids?

[BoredBoredBored36]

I don't know if this is just me and the people I know or if its more common, would be interesting to find out.

I was with my husband for over 10 years before we had children. We had our usual ups and downs and disagreements but nothing serious and not very often. We were happy and we both wanted children .
From almost day one of having a child everything changed. I suppose my priorities changed, the kids came first for everything and I was so tired I suppose I didn't have enough of myself to give to my husband . We plodded on and had another child. I love being a mum and he loves being a dad, but we have a lot of disagreements over the children as they get older . This is due to different parenting styles. Husband is strict , I am not. We don't tend to fall out over anything else apart from the kids . They are 7 and 10 now. I often find myself wishing my husband wasn't here. Wishing we were separated so I could parent the kids my own way. He is a good dad and does everything for them . Its just that we are different kinds of parents and never seem to be on the same page. I can see it getting worse as they become teenagers. Its highlighted at the moment as I'm a sahm and he's working from home so is here much more than usual. I often think that if I had had a crystal ball I wouldn't of picked him to have children with. Even though our relationship was fine beforehand.

My own parents have told me similar. They are still together after 40 years & I think they are happier now their kids are adults. They are fantastically grandparents. But they both tell me that nearly all of their arguments were because of me!

My school gate mum friends are always complaining about their husbands and its always something to do with the kids. Usually that the husband doesn't do enough.

I read on here almost daily how the woman is so often disappointed at what kind of father their husband has turned out to be.

Have any of you been through this and come out the other side with a good relationship still intact once your kids have grown? Or did you end up separating because of it?

We were married for 10 years when DC1 came along. DH has some health issues that flared badly when both DC were small and I was resentful of doing more than my fair share for a while. Since he has got a lot of his symptoms under control he has pulled weight in the exactly the way I expected him too. He hasn't changed since the DC came along at all. I have more so in that I put them first before DH. We've had the usual competitive tiredness rows, and I shoulder the mental load where the kids are concerned but he does a lot of practical stuff. I get more free time out of the home than he does.

Yes, I knew xh was a bit mentally fragile but it wasn’t a problem for the 10 years we were together before dc, I just organised all the practical stuff and we had a low stress life.

Dc1 arrived and was incredibly high maintenance, xh couldn’t cope and left after a couple of years and after dc2 was born.

Could I have seen it coming? I honestly don’t think so, I never would’ve thought his commitment would waver. But his dad left his mum, and I think these things go in deep subconsciously, he clearly saw leaving as an option.

@FlyNow I’d disagree with that. In fact, I’d say it was almost impossible to ever “truly know” someone. I found out stuff about myself after having kids - let alone DP!

This makes me sad, but I’m sure your experiences are not uncommon.

I had my first baby 10 days ago and I’ve never loved my husband more than I have in the last few days. He has been so wonderful with the baby - attentive, loving, sweet. And he has looked after me beautifully as I recover from a c-section. He’s done all the cooking and housework, helps me with night feeds etc. I knew he was a good man before but he’s proving it every second of the day at the moment.

I notice you’re a Sahp. One of the reasons I’ve never wanted either of us to be a sahp is that it creates such different experiences of parenting between the two parents. One deals with the drudge while the other only gets weekends and holidays. In my experience this difference of experience leads to differences of opinion. (Obviously not for every family but the ones I’ve been in / close to).

Your child has sen so maybe you gave no chance to work outside the home, but I do think a more even sharing of parenting helps.

DH and I have a fairly large age gap which at first was quite obvious (in a good way) and we noticed how different we were due to our upbringing and experiences. Since having children (4), we've grown so much closer and feel like we've never been apart. I barely remember a time where he wasn't in my life.

Seeing him go from my hot older boyfriend who gave me butterflies to being a responsible and loving father, devoted husband, and a better man just made me fall more in love with him. I'm so lucky to have him. We rarely argued before children but seem to work so much better with them.

[quote Pinkroses87]@FlyNow I’d disagree with that. In fact, I’d say it was almost impossible to ever “truly know” someone. I found out stuff about myself after having kids - let alone DP![/quote]
Fair enough, but in most cases I've seen, it isn't like a deep dark hidden secret that even the dp didn't know. It's something obvious even to me, and I barely know they person.

People assume things when they have babies. So instead of talking about things first, they have babies first and THEN discuss how they will raise the kid.
So it is not a " ugh my husband is not the same anymore" but more a "boy i should have discussed babies first with dh to see if we were on the same page when it came to raising them...."

I think it isn't just becoming a parent, it can be any huge life event - serious illness, bereavement, recessions & job losses etc. Until you see them coping with extreme stresses, or how they react to and rally around yours, it is hard to tell if someone will step up. Most people have children before experiencing one of the other highly stressful life events with their partner, so it is the first time that sort of resilience and perseverance is tested and witnessed.

By the time DD1 was born, I had seen DH lose both his parents. He had nursed his DM in her last few months, and you could see that when it came to it he is the kind of person who sticks around and is prepared to do the crappy jobs. We had also both been made redundant (at separate times), and had stepped up to support each other finacially and emotionally then too, and had both had a periods of very poor mental health. This attitude has carried into his parenting. He might not always get it right, but he's always trying and plugging away. It was still really bloody tough after we became parents whilst the DCs were very small, just because it is so unrelenting, but I have never felt disappointed in the kind of father he is.

This was my experience. Calm, caring loving man turned into angry, short-tempered, overly strict dad, who is unhappy with his lot. Never saw it coming.

@FlyNow true. If they’ve never located the hoover once in a decade, they’re probably not going to turn into mrs hinch when the baby arrives!

I thought my husband had changed for the better when first baby arrived, I was very ill and he seemed to step up and be a natural father. That didn't last long though, and by a couple of months in I was still ill and he was back to being self-centred and spending most of his time at work, watching TV or out with friends. Now, 2 children in, he's cross and shouty much of the time and has very little relationship with his son and I fear for his relationship with his daughter too. To be honest though I could've predicted how he'd be as a father, I just hoped I'd be proven wrong.

Yes I can totally see your side, I think it's true of both partners though.

DH and I were a fantastic team when DS1 was tiny, it was such a shock for both of us and we were very much in this together. It's definitely got more complicated as DC have gotten older, the eldest is only 5 (very nearly) but there's definitely some aspects we disagree on and we do argue about it.

From our baby group of so many years ago, many of us have split.

The happiest couple, as a couple, is one where when we were discussing sleeping at a ante natal group the woman said ‘he won’t be moving to the pare room so that baby can come in bed with me: he was there first!’.

They are both great parents, a team, and have gorgeous successful living teens etc, but they are the couple that made couple time right from the early days. The first to get regular babysitters and go out for dinner, cinema etc.

It’s not just men. We don’t know how we will be a parents, we don’t know how the relationship will be. Always putting the children first has an impact. Maybe sometimes being the strict one sometimes would mean he doesn’t occupy that role with such zeal and would ease up a bit.

YANBU. Before we had kids I’d have said that I knew DH inside out, and smugly thought to myself that we had a rock solid marriage. After ivf and the arrival of our DTs I feel that it’s only because we were strong we’ve made it through this far although we were pushed right to the very edge at points in the first two years (they’re nearly 3!). It’s been utterly savage but beautiful and brilliant at the same time, a proper whirlwind of emotions.

I look forward to our kids being more independent and getting our marriage back on track though.

We became parents this year and to be honest it has been from one extreme to the other. I have been overwhelmed with love for DP, watching him look after our son, but at the same time we have bickered more than ever and had some really nasty sleep-deprived arguments. We’re quite different in that he prefers to go with the flow and I like to read and research. I’m not sure how we’ll cope with the next few years - I can see the arguments getting worse with a toddler in the picture, and I really don’t want that.

I fell pregnant very early into our relationship and DD1 was born before we’d been together a year. We married just before she turned 5. She’s now nearly 7 and DD2 was born in September.

I am incredibly lucky that my DH is a brilliant dad and husband. I wouldn’t choose anyone else to have children with. Nearly our whole relationship has included our children though so who knows what we’ll be like when they’re older and it’s just us again.

During our NCT classes, they encouraged parenting discussions by getting us to place our feelings about different things on a sliding scale (strongly agree to strongly disagree). From that discussion, it became known that DH’s parents had used physical discipline with him and his siblings. I made it clear that this was not something I was willing to compromise on and we would not be hitting our children or allowing anyone else to. If his parents ever laid a finger on her, they’d never see her again. He agreed. As it turns out, PIL are incredibly doting grandparents and DDs can do no wrong in their eyes.

Not here dh is brilliant.

It’s quite amusing seeing him deal with the politics of tween girl friendships though. He is a litigator and I heard him earnestly explaining to dd then 10 “there is no property in a witness” when she was accused of stealing someone else’s best friend 😁.

I think it’s a bit patronising to say you don’t know your partner til you have kids. Are you inferring that childless couples (like my aunt and uncle married for 40 yrs) don’t truly know each other?

Anyway, my husband was a bit shit before we had kids. Didn’t go a lot of housework, bit of a man child with retrospect. 15 yrs and 3 kids later I don’t really recognise him. He gets up early on his mornings. Is a great dad and although he probably doesn’t do 50% of the housework he does a good chunk and accepts me spending as much as I like on the cleaner. Yes he’s a bit stricter than me but not massively so and he does listen if I really disagree with something. We rarely disagree about the older kids it’s the toddler who causes the most arguments and that’s partly because sleep deprivation is in the mix too.

I do look forward to the rest of our lives together but not because co-parenting with him is so awful that it want it to be over.

Yes! I was with him 10 years. We split 16 months after DC born. I went from being his partner to being his servant. His life seemed totally unchanged by having kids, he would disappear off to the gym, get up and ready for work - nice long shower, tuning us out with headphones, meanwhile I wrangled baby and didnt even manage a hot drink let alone a shower.

It caused huge resentment. He would complain cos I didnt want sex and he had an affair. He sees DC about twice a year and I dont recognise who he is, and wonder if I ever actually knew him. Crazy.

@Moo678 I don’t think that’s what people are saying re only knowing someone when you have kids. I think it’s that you probably don’t know someone until you’ve been through some major adversity/life event together, which sadly I’m sure your uncle and aunt have. And the fact is that many people think that having children is all sunny Instagram photos, and the reality is often very very different.

I agree with lots that has been said. My DH and I had been through some huge life changes pre children and he had had some periods of severe depression. We have always had pretty similar values around the big issues and we are both quite easy going. We knew we could survive tough stuff as a couple.
Thankfully having kids seems to have helped re the depression BUT and I think it is a big one, our kids have been very straightforward, I didn't have any issues with PND, and we don't have any money worries so we could both spend lots of time with the kids when they were little. I think all these things make life a lot easier and mean we are very lucky. I think we would have been ok with a more challenging set up but I don't know. Having a child with SEN is a huge challenge to any relationship and I think when things are tricky that's when fault lines get exposed also when you are tired and stressed it's so much harder.
I think being kind to each other is key and communicating but that does need to be a two way effort for it to work.

@Moo678 I think you have taken this too personal. If you are a childless couple there’s NO CHANGE . You can’t possibly compare your relationship to before you had a child because even if it does work out, a child adds immense pressure at some stages through the duration of raising a child.

@BexR

Yes! I was with him 10 years. We split 16 months after DC born. I went from being his partner to being his servant. His life seemed totally unchanged by having kids, he would disappear off to the gym, get up and ready for work - nice long shower, tuning us out with headphones, meanwhile I wrangled baby and didnt even manage a hot drink let alone a shower.

It caused huge resentment. He would complain cos I didnt want sex and he had an affair. He sees DC about twice a year and I dont recognise who he is, and wonder if I ever actually knew him. Crazy.

Your post is interesting I felt the same way you described although I was not with DS dad anywhere near as long as 10 years before having DS. A couple of friends have said it’s because we were not together long enough. It’s not people can change at any point or maybe we didn’t know them as well as we thought

@MsTSwift

Not here dh is brilliant.

It’s quite amusing seeing him deal with the politics of tween girl friendships though. He is a litigator and I heard him earnestly explaining to dd then 10 “there is no property in a witness” when she was accused of stealing someone else’s best friend 😁.

Love this In solidarity, DS when 8 or 9 gave me a scathing "Well if that's the high point of your submissions Mummy we probably dont have more to discuss"