Aibu to think you don't truly know your partner until you have kids?

[BoredBoredBored36]

I don't know if this is just me and the people I know or if its more common, would be interesting to find out.

I was with my husband for over 10 years before we had children. We had our usual ups and downs and disagreements but nothing serious and not very often. We were happy and we both wanted children .
From almost day one of having a child everything changed. I suppose my priorities changed, the kids came first for everything and I was so tired I suppose I didn't have enough of myself to give to my husband . We plodded on and had another child. I love being a mum and he loves being a dad, but we have a lot of disagreements over the children as they get older . This is due to different parenting styles. Husband is strict , I am not. We don't tend to fall out over anything else apart from the kids . They are 7 and 10 now. I often find myself wishing my husband wasn't here. Wishing we were separated so I could parent the kids my own way. He is a good dad and does everything for them . Its just that we are different kinds of parents and never seem to be on the same page. I can see it getting worse as they become teenagers. Its highlighted at the moment as I'm a sahm and he's working from home so is here much more than usual. I often think that if I had had a crystal ball I wouldn't of picked him to have children with. Even though our relationship was fine beforehand.

My own parents have told me similar. They are still together after 40 years & I think they are happier now their kids are adults. They are fantastically grandparents. But they both tell me that nearly all of their arguments were because of me!

My school gate mum friends are always complaining about their husbands and its always something to do with the kids. Usually that the husband doesn't do enough.

I read on here almost daily how the woman is so often disappointed at what kind of father their husband has turned out to be.

Have any of you been through this and come out the other side with a good relationship still intact once your kids have grown? Or did you end up separating because of it?

We were together for quite a few years before we started our family, of course having children changes your priorities completely.

My DH is a real family man, and loves me & our DS’ more than anything in the world. He would put our needs above anything.

It’s the best decision we ever made to have our family. We would do it all again if we could.

Yes but fortunately for us it has been a good thing! I mean we are bloody exhausted all the time which can make us both cranky and don't get to do as many nice meals out together etc but he is generally a good dad and is besotted with our girls so it has given us a new thing to bond over! We have always divided care of the children though so he is equally competent at looking after them so no need for resentment there.

I guess it’s a whole new life stage with a different focus. I was with ExH for 14 years, he started an affair when our first & only baby was about 15months old and left. I think he struggled with the in relentless nature of parenting- he wanted to know when his day off was.

I met DH who has a child 18mo older than mine and it’s been a joy parenting together. The kids love eachother and we both appreciate eachother as partners and parents (he had a similar experience. DC no 3 (baby no 2 for me) coming very soon!

I joke with DH that we might do a shock retirement divorce. I know we’re great at facing the world together, dealing with the kids and tricky exes and all that- but we’ve never been footloose and fancy free together, will we struggle?

My kids father was from a different culture but appeared very liberal and western when I met him. His flat was spotless and he was physically in good shape. Almost as soon as I had my first child he refused to do anything round the house, began eating things and leave the packets on the side and gaining huge amounts of weight. I truly believe it was all an act to suck me into being his second mother. He also has made it hugely difficult for me to have a career by pulling stunts such as not picking the kids up from childcare and announcing at the last minute he couldn’t have them.

@Moo678 I apologised for that. I should have worked it that having children seems to change people ,usually for the worst as evident by most comments on this thread.

As I originally said, my kids are 7 and 10 now. And it gets harder as they get older. The things that husband and I argue about are how to discipline our children, and things such as the children being cheeky to us, or something they have done/not done or school issues. When I look back to when they were babies and toddlers it was the tiredness that caused our arguments. Now there is no tiredness, but there are challenges every day. And I see it getting worse when the teenage moodiness sets in , hormones, high school life and all that comes with it. I don't know if my marriage is strong enough to survive all that.

My biggest worry is that when the children have grown and fled the nest, I will have a lot of resentment towards my husband and I won't be able to forget how he was as a father. I am not looking forward to it being just me and him. I don't know if I can as the person I fell in love with and spent 10 years with before kids ,does not exist anymore

@BoredBoredBored36 do you mind me asking, what's the meat of these disagreements?

I’ve got twins and DH was brilliant with them right from the start. I obv don’t have any experience of just having one baby but I have noticed friends being very protective of their first born and their DHs hardly getting a look in. And when they did they were criticised for doing things a different way so they often gave up.

We had rows obv and still do (DCs late teens), we’ve had different views on parenting and picking our battles over the years. But we have always made time for each other and gone away for the odd night, gone out for dinner regularly. We were very lucky to have involved in laws and I know not everyone has babysitters. But even in the early days when we were skint, we’d make sure we sat at the table for dinner occasionally, turned the TV off and talked to each other.

Sounds like you need to end your marriage. I have a DS with SEN, he is our only child and it’s been a rough road since he arrived. We have had ups and downs and it isn’t easy. You sound very unhappy and unsupported. Hope you manage to find a way through.