AIBU?
to feel upset that ds rarely gets invited to people's homes?
ruty · 22/10/2007 12:53
We've lived in this area for three years, one in this street. Ds, 3 is NT, he may have the odd tantrum and have difficulty sharing toys sometimes, but is generally a sweet little boy to play with. I think I am ok at making conversation and asking people about themselves and being fairly laid back. Ds doesn't go to nursery, which means he only knows people from the playground and from the local area. We have invited one little girl over twice, they played nicely, [save for a big tantrum from ds once] and play nicely in the playground whenever they see each other. Mother always says 'oh you must come over to play' and i say 'that would be nice' but 4 months later has never actually invited us over. Same story with a little boy who came to ds's party, they got on famously when we met them by accident at a pub, and the mother said 'Oh you must come over..' Not a dickie bird. Another little girl who ds gets on with invited us over today. For the second time she got very upset about ds playing with one of her toys and her mother asked her if she wanted me and ds to leave [we'd been there for about an hour.] she nodded. We left. But i was visibly upset and I said I thought this was unfair on my ds to her. I'm a bit hormonal and probably showed my feelings too much. She'll probably not talk to me again. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but I feel it is so unfair on ds who loves other children and plays with them well. Dh said it must be something I'm doing wrong, talk about rubbing my nose in it. What could it be? Really down about it.
ruty · 22/10/2007 12:55
for the second time the little girl's mother asked her if she wanted us to leave I mean. the little girl has had some problems since her parents separated but still think this is unfair on ds when he was being very good, just wanted to play with one of her toys for a minute.
TwigorTreat · 22/10/2007 13:00
its just an age thing ruty... when he goes to pre-school or school it will be different
tbh before then there's not really that many 'playdates' for the kids benefits they tend to be more for the parents
3 year olds tend to play alongside their peers and it is not unusual for them not to want to share toys .. particularly if not used to it .. its something they learn gradulally
I think you are taking it too much to heart
Tommy · 22/10/2007 13:01
the other Mum is a bit daft to ask her DD if she wanted you and your DS to leave - I should think, you are better off without that one TBH anyway.
On the "going to people's house" thing - I have to admit that I often say "you must come over" or something and then never get around to actually inviting them - just because I never get round to it, not for any malicious reason.
Why don't you invite them over to you?
Or go and join some toddler groups?
At this age I think it's mote about the Mums meeting up and children tagging along rather than the children being invited IYSWIM
captainmummy · 22/10/2007 13:01
my DS1 was really possessive about his toys so we had to put some of his favourites away if people came, but that's no excuse for people NOT to come! Is'nt there a toddler gruop you could go to, (where the toys are everyones) It's always difficult for young ones to understand about other people, but I feel the mothers response to this is not going to help, long term! It doesnt sound as if you're doing anything wrong, tho.
robin3 · 22/10/2007 13:02
Your DH is talking rubbish so ignore. The Mum of the girl who asked you to leave must also be quite mad in my opinion...how is her little girl going to learn if her Mum asks people to leave if they play with her toys?
Play dates are always a little stressful to start off with. It's tricky when you don't know the parents. Can you 'train' your DS with the kids of your friends, even if they're not exactly the same age? That way it doesn't matter if it doesn't all go according to the 'perfect parenting plan' and you can have a nice time too.
MaryBleedinShelley · 22/10/2007 13:04
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MaryBleedinShelley · 22/10/2007 13:05
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BandofMutantMonsters · 22/10/2007 13:09
Agree totally stupid to make you leave over sharing a toy, but she will end up with spoilt brat not you.
As for saying you must come over and then nothing, I am terrible for this and say it with every intention of getting together with people but it rarely happens, cos I forget and don't call. I really am terrible with all my friends
MaryBleedinShelley · 22/10/2007 13:11
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ruty · 22/10/2007 13:27
thanks for all the replies. In the mum's defence today i did say 'shall we leave' when her dd was inconsolable for quite a long time, and then she asked her dd. It was just the second time and the first time she did ask us to go because dd was upset. Ds is no better at sharing his own toys, but I try to ignore him or send him to the bedroom for a couple of mins if he does throw a wobbly over sharing so different tactics i guess. She has been thru a lot tho.
I have asked people around - i did have to cancel the boy's mum who we met at the pub, after asking her around, because ds had a tummy bug, and i wonder if she took offence because i have asked her again and haven't heard. It is all such a minefield! I'm not quite at 3 months pregnant yet and didn't really want to go public with it yet but am feeling terribly sensitive about everything and a bit isolated. Roll on school! Ds keeps saying he wants to go to school but is adamant he doesn't want to go to nursery!
maisemor · 22/10/2007 13:30
Does not sound as if you are doing anything wrong.
Good for you for saying something to the other mother. If a parent keeps asking a child the same question then the child is going to think that that is what the parent wants it to say.
I think the only thing you can do is keep inviting his friends over to your house.
ruty · 22/10/2007 13:39
that sounds lovely maisiemor. Such a shame that ds behaves himself so much better at other people's homes than in his own!
Because we moved down from London 3 years ago and all my friends stayed there i don't really see them so much. And even tho they're not that young most of them are concentrating on their careers and not having children. [yet]
brimfull · 22/10/2007 13:43
ruty-I invite people round who NEVER ask us back.Their children ask to come all the time,everyone has a great time and we rarely if ever get invited back.A few friends alwasy invite us back but by no means is it alwasy a reciprocal arrangement.
I have come to the conclusion that some people just don't have people round to their house.
I used to be paranoid about it but have given up worrying now.I too started a thread or two about it.
Ds was (as are most 3 yr olds) atrocious at sharing.This improved a lot by going to nursery school ,but it did take time.Do you think that your ds would benefit from attending nursery school prior to going to proper school.It'll give him some good practise at playing nicely,listening and following rules that will help him settle in at school when the time comes.
Hulababy · 22/10/2007 13:44
When I first had DD I only had one friend with a baby. I tried baby groups and parent-toddler activities such as Gymbabes and swimming. But as a friend making exercise they were pointless IME.
I actually have made a fair few of my "with children" friends via MN meets. Truely. MN has been fantastic in that sense for me over time. Infact DD's best friend is the DD of a MN friend, and that friend and her Dh are now very good friends of me and DH - to the extent we are off on holiday together next week.
ruty · 22/10/2007 13:49
probably ggirl. I have tried leaving him at creches twice and all hell broke loose. He is fine being babysat by good friends and family, but not so far at nursery - something i guess we're going to have to get It made it worse when we met the woman who has come round to ours twice with her dd outside her house just as another playdate was leaving - and it happened to be a woman and her ds and dd who had also been saying to us frequenty 'oh you must come round'..and then nothing. It was a bit hurtful.
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