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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel upset that ds rarely gets invited to people's homes?

70 replies

ruty · 22/10/2007 12:53

We've lived in this area for three years, one in this street. Ds, 3 is NT, he may have the odd tantrum and have difficulty sharing toys sometimes, but is generally a sweet little boy to play with. I think I am ok at making conversation and asking people about themselves and being fairly laid back. Ds doesn't go to nursery, which means he only knows people from the playground and from the local area. We have invited one little girl over twice, they played nicely, [save for a big tantrum from ds once] and play nicely in the playground whenever they see each other. Mother always says 'oh you must come over to play' and i say 'that would be nice' but 4 months later has never actually invited us over. Same story with a little boy who came to ds's party, they got on famously when we met them by accident at a pub, and the mother said 'Oh you must come over..' Not a dickie bird. Another little girl who ds gets on with invited us over today. For the second time she got very upset about ds playing with one of her toys and her mother asked her if she wanted me and ds to leave [we'd been there for about an hour.] she nodded. We left. But i was visibly upset and I said I thought this was unfair on my ds to her. I'm a bit hormonal and probably showed my feelings too much. She'll probably not talk to me again. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but I feel it is so unfair on ds who loves other children and plays with them well. Dh said it must be something I'm doing wrong, talk about rubbing my nose in it. What could it be? Really down about it.

OP posts:
ruty · 23/10/2007 13:02

Maybe i am trying too hard...gawd it is like being back at school!

OP posts:
TwigorTreat · 23/10/2007 15:56

you might think that now ruty

but just you wait till he gets to school

mwahahahaahahahahhhahhahahahahaha

flack · 23/10/2007 16:11

I know where you're at Ruty; I made DD attend preschool from age 3 because there were no other opportunities for her to socialise with other little children locally (toddler groups only suitable for under 2s). But here's the bad bit...
Because DD was shy we hosted lots and lots of playdates, almost always without the other child's parent present. Probably in excess of 3 dozen playdates over less than 2 years, and a dozen different children. From that DD has received back...er... 3 playdate invites? Or is it 4? It's not parents disliking me because she would go without me happily enough. It is frustrating, but I know she's popular in class and has a strong social life at school, so I have to shrug off the lack of her social life outside of school.

ruty · 23/10/2007 17:23

I know Twig I know...

Flack that is so odd, but good to hear someone else has gone through something similar. At least at school hopefully he'll find his own friends and then i can go to bridge club or tea dances or something.

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TwigorTreat · 23/10/2007 17:30

if it helps we spent reception and year 1 having around 3 or 4 playdates A WEEK

I think we got about 3 playdates back a term (ie 12 weeks) .. there are still a couple of children who have been here loads that I've had 'oh DS must come round' that has just never happened

but then I did it for DS and my sanity (much easier with more kids in the house) rather than for reciprocal dates .. honestly some people find them an effort and others (like me) just don't

we now in year 2 have a limit of 1 per week .. so he's been back 6 weeks and has been to 2 other houses and had 4 kids here

of course now DD has started nursery in mornings she's having a couple a week too

it really is the school thing that makes the difference

god this is really long
did anyone bother to read it? I wouldn't have. I'd have just thought oh there she goes waffling on again lets ignore it shall we?

ruty · 23/10/2007 17:36

I'm reading, I'm reading! it is all making me feel much more normal, though I am a bit shocked at the thoughtlessness of some of the parents whose children some of you have had over so often. [did that sentence actually make sense?]

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TwigorTreat · 23/10/2007 17:40

its not thoughtlessness though Ruty .. I honestly believe some people are daunted by the concept, some people have other priorities, some people have to fit it in around work or other children or after-school obligations, and to some people the thought of having more children in their house is just an anathema .. you have to be a certain kind of, shall we say laissez-faire character to enjoy stampeding boys and girls running rampant .. you also need a DH with the patient of a saint as when he comes home he has to pick up the pieces

ruty · 23/10/2007 17:49

maybe Twig. I'm going to have to develop a thicker skin obviously. And get my hormones a bit more balanced at some point.

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MaryBleedinShelley · 24/10/2007 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruty · 24/10/2007 08:48

that's the thing Mary, ds is aware of not getting invited. He always stops outside the little girl's house who came over to our house twice and whose mother keeps saying you must come over, and points out that is where she lives. He used to ask if we could go in but doesn't now. It does make me

Still we had a very nice playdate out of the blue with somebody else yesterday, [at their place!] which went well.

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Scootergrrrl · 24/10/2007 08:51

Poor little chap! Reading the OP, however, reminds me that when DD, who's also 3, had a friend over yesterday she also had a strop about her friend playing with something and I did actually say: "well, do you want X to go home then?" in a kind of "if you're going to behave like this when you have friends over then you won't..." way. I'd have been mortified if they'd actually gone!

ruty · 24/10/2007 08:54

no it wasn't in that way Scootergirl. And not the time before either. but i did make my feelings known this time, for better or worse!

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Scootergrrrl · 24/10/2007 08:57

I'm glad for you that you did. There's nothing worse than wishing you'd said something at the time and then going over and over it in your head.

Perhaps next time someone says "oh, you must come round" you get them to fix a time there and then. A lot of people - me included - find time just runs away with them and lots of things they mean to do or arrange never get done

ruty · 24/10/2007 09:33

yes if that woman ever says it again, though she's kind of stopped saying it now. Perhaps i should suggest we come round?

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yurt1 · 24/10/2007 09:44

I'm a terrible one for saying (to school age kids) that they must come over then never following it through. It's not intentional- my eldest son is disabled - so its not always easy to accomodate extras, it needs organising. It's not personal either. Also my house is always an extraordinary mess so I have to tidy up if people are going to come round and that takes organisation & happens rarely (I work whenever ds1 is at school so no time there). I think people who say 'oh you must come over' then don't do it are often just busy; it's really not necessarily personal.

jenkel · 24/10/2007 09:52

My 2 dd's are used to going to people houses but they are the group that I met at antenatal classes. She only got invited to other peoples houses when she started school, her sister who is only 3 hasnt been invited anywhere yet apart from the antenatal group, and they dont tend to start playing nicely until they are about 5 to be honest. So I would try not to get too upset about it

MaryBleedinShelley · 24/10/2007 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruty · 24/10/2007 10:27

well done Mary! We'd love to come over to yours if we're ever in the NE and I'm sure ds would eat your chips with relish!

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yurt1 · 24/10/2007 16:10

Well I'd never be daft enough to invite a chid to stay overnight because we really couldn;t manage that! (Most wouldn't want to either in our house). My problem really is that I need other adult here if we are to have other people's kids in (because of the nature of my eldest son's disability). So we quite often have pre-schoolers around because they come with their mums (we had one yesetrday- who came with mum plus the child's therapist which was fine), but afterschool or holidays needs other people which makes it hard as I have to find someone to pay to be here. Luckily ds2's friend's parents have been very understanding as I have felt guilty about lack of recriprocation.

I want to take ds2 and a couple of his friends who have had him to play repeatedly out for pizza hut - and have been trying to organise it since the summer, but I'd like dh to come too ( hard enough to arrange anyway) which means we need someone to look after the other 2. And my head starts to spin trying to work it all out.

yurt1 · 24/10/2007 16:16

oh obviously most people don't have such complicated reasons for being crap at inivting back, but they may have lots of kids of juggle or jobs to juggle etc and then its finding time to organise stuff that is difficult

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