to feel upset that ds rarely gets invited to people's homes?

[ruty]

We've lived in this area for three years, one in this street. Ds, 3 is NT, he may have the odd tantrum and have difficulty sharing toys sometimes, but is generally a sweet little boy to play with. I think I am ok at making conversation and asking people about themselves and being fairly laid back. Ds doesn't go to nursery, which means he only knows people from the playground and from the local area. We have invited one little girl over twice, they played nicely, [save for a big tantrum from ds once] and play nicely in the playground whenever they see each other. Mother always says 'oh you must come over to play' and i say 'that would be nice' but 4 months later has never actually invited us over. Same story with a little boy who came to ds's party, they got on famously when we met them by accident at a pub, and the mother said 'Oh you must come over..' Not a dickie bird. Another little girl who ds gets on with invited us over today. For the second time she got very upset about ds playing with one of her toys and her mother asked her if she wanted me and ds to leave [we'd been there for about an hour.] she nodded. We left. But i was visibly upset and I said I thought this was unfair on my ds to her. I'm a bit hormonal and probably showed my feelings too much. She'll probably not talk to me again. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but I feel it is so unfair on ds who loves other children and plays with them well. Dh said it must be something I'm doing wrong, talk about rubbing my nose in it. What could it be? Really down about it.

Are there no local toddler groups Ruty?...i always found it easier when people weren't on their own turf
Also because it's a regular time slot, it allows you and the children to become more comfortable with each other before inviting them around to your house or going to theirs

ruty we sort of eased into going to each others houses via a regular toddler group...when the group wasn't on in hols we took it in turns to host it...now all meet together regularly and some meet outside that as well (esp if they also go to the same preschool.

i'm afraid i'm also guilty of the we must meet and then thinking about it but not actually doing anything....it often seems more than my head will manage to find a mutually agreeable time to meet...

You are not desperate...it all sounds par for the course apart from mum who allows dd to decide when visits end (that way madness lies...IMHO )

no toddler groups? have you checked local church halls/comunity centres/soft play places?

the library also usually keeps a list of local childrens activities and may host some (ours does storytime and craft sessions and music time and they are allowd to make a noise!)

good luck

also things like soccer tots and tumble tots where kids can get stuck in and parents can have a natter

I agree M&T groups are not really great places to meet other mums (for friendship) as the mums tend to turn up in 2's with their friends! I know I did, but I would mke an effort to talk to and smile at any mums on their own, it is really hard to go to these places on your own.. Still, it's for the dc that we do these things...and they make friends really easily.

What about swimming lessons? Your DS is swimming and you sit and chat with the other Moms, I really look forward to DS1's swimming lessons!

I'm feeling good today as DS1 had two friends from preschool round today and it went well, they stayed for almost 3 hours and it wasn't even vaguely awkward and everyone had fun (tantrums and "sharing issues" aside!). It has taken me 1 full year and half a term to pluck up the courage to ask anyone here for a playdate so am glad it went well! I wish I'd done it last year now!

I have to confess Ruty (but don't tell anyone else) I have never dared invite other mums to my house (until a stint of Flylady over the summer)as house such a tip!

i find when i have braved the toddler groups they have had younger children than ds and he still feels a bit out on a limb, and they do seem a bit cliquey to me! Maybe I'm just lacking in confidence i don't know.

ruty M&T groups can be a bit cliquey - ours is a prime example but you jsut have to put a brave face on and breeze in there "I don't know anyone my name is .... and that's my ds over there - which child is yours?" that kind of thing sometimes works.

also even with our adult friends we are always the ones inviting.

and by the by are you on an ante natal group at all??? nearly 3 months would put you on the may thread (I'm on it too)

i'm not jacobandthemummylysette - just because i'm not really banking on it until i get past the 3 months mark! I may join soon though, yes, due in May [fingers crossed]

the other thing is that some people are really, really intimidated by having other people and their children in their house

I invited a new nursery child and his mum to lunch here and then she invited us back .. and it was a little odd because she made exactly the same food as I'd given her .. exactly the same ... but I think she was rather scared by the whole thing and her child couldn't share toys either but then he's the eldest

I was only surprised on the food thing cos I was just using up what I had lying around rather than pre-planning a proper lunch IYSWIM

still it was nice

Don't beat yourself upabout having people round. Focus on going ou to meet people. I'm not that kean on toddler groupstt

There's really no need to focus so intently on having people round your house. If you take your ds out to groups he will socialise enough there. I'm not that kean on church hall groups, but I love both 'Surestart' groups we go to. One's in a library and the other on a childrens' centre.They have stories, rhmes craft etc.
If you can take your new baby (when he/she arrives) to baby massage, you'll inevitably get chatting to someone who you'll then go to groups with.

i'm not really so bothered about me getting friends, it was more getting friends for ds, i mean he has a few, but they go to full time nursery and so are not around in the week. I will reluctantly have to look into a nursery one or two days a week i suppose, though it seems odd to do it just so he can have more friends.

why odd Ruty?

around 3 onwards is when they start to develop the social skills needed for forming friendships .. you should be getting free placements by 3 / 3.5 anyway so that he can go for a series of sessions of 2.5 hours a day anyway

oh and don't knock having friends who are parenting children the same age .. they are a bloody godsend and IMHO crucial to sanity

When ds was that age, we only visited friends we already knew, not people from M&T or playgrounds, tbh. So I don't think it's that unusual. It's only since he started nursery (aged three, 2.5hr sessions, not daycare) that he's started going round to play with children whose mothers I didn't know already.

Good for you for trying, though, you are obviously a bit braver than me!

The thread is long and I have not read all of it as I am supposed to be working, so apologies if I say something others have already said.

3 is in my opinion very young for going on playdates at peoples homes, there is bound to be tension at some point between the kids, and if the mums dont know eachother, or the other child well, it is difficult sometimes to know how to handle it.

It was not until DS1 started school that I started inviting other children home for playdates for the sake of DS1 rather than me. Up til then I only asked friends with children similar age to come over, as much for me to have a natter as for my DS1 to play.

Same with DS2, who is 2 1/2, I have never invited a child over, but I have asked friends with kids to come over.

Better than a playdate at home I find, is to ask to meet up in the park, at the playground, at the soft play, or a toddler group as this is neutral territory.

I think you are not doing anything wrong. It is hard when you are new to an area, you dont already have a mix of friends with kids locally, you have to start totally afresh.

I think that other mum is wrong to give her dd so much power, she is letting the dd take control over the situation, which she is far too young for. A 3 year old is short sighted, and knows nothing of cause and effect and consequences, a 3 year old thinks short term. It might have sounded a good idea at the time for the dd to get your ds out of the house so she could play with her toy, but it is a rubbish approach. At that age children should be taught to share and play together, not to kick their friends out rather than negotiate a situation.

Are there any groups in the area you can join with your DS? Monkey Music, Kiddie Kicks, or some other activity where you get to meet and get to know other parents?

Mumsnet meet ups?

Good Luck

ruty, please don't think it's anything you are doing wrong. People do mean it when they say "you must come over sometime", but then life just gets busy and they never get around to it.

Lots of people have large extended families and so don't see the need to make an effort with others until the children start making their own friends.

When your ds starts school it will slowly happen, but even then I think it takes a while, because lots of us aren't relaxed having other people's children in the house, and prefer to wait until they are a bit older.

Can't give you any advice but just want to tell you not to let it get to you, it really isn't that you are doing anything wrong, or are unlikeable.

thanks for the replies. Twig, I'm not knocking having friends who have children the same age at all - I mean i would love to have some friends like that - it is just it hasn't really happened yet. I have acquaintances round here rather than friends, maybe that takes time i don't know. One good friend i have here doesn't have children yet and the other one i really hit it off yet [and ds loved her dd] has had to go back to the States.

It is just he doesn't want to go to nursery yet, though we will try again with that one, and I only work one day a week teaching music to pre schoolers when grandpa or dh looks after him, so it seems funny to send him there specifically to find friends when there are so many local kids his age. but I guess it will be good for him in the long run. Yes, we do do music classes, but again haven't really go to know any of the parents that well. It seems to me to be quite an unfriendly area, rather wealthy and reserved - everyone seems to live in big houses and we live in a flat! I don't know if relocating would make a difference at all, but we are thinking about it, for various reasons [being able to afford a house the primary one!]

Ruty! Congratulations

The mother who asked her dd iff you should leave is totally totally out of order! what a loon, and what is she storing up for herself there!

I do agree it will change atnursery / reception. In our area, there is a group of parents who always have our kids in and out of each others houses, and another who never invite or accept invititions, but will meet in park. Thik it s a complex mix of expactations, habit, custom and practice

It does sound like it is time to find a really good small, friendly preschool/nursery that he can go to for just two hours or so a couple of mornings a week. Its up to you not him surely?! You can call it 'school' preschool' if it helps! Choose one that will have children going to the school you will choose as this will prepare him really well for starting school.

He will then make friends you can invite round. It does get easier when they start school too as the kids can come without parents and the parents are delighted to send them over!

thanks blue.
yes newgirl i think I'll have to do that. It is going to be a bit stressfu to start with! Plus the local community run playgroup has a waiting list of about two years [no joke]so we'll have to go slightly further afield.

Blue? Pregnancy brain in action.

Blue line...tee hee!

I agree with all the people who say it is partly an age thing. I remember nightmarish playdates when my ds ( now 8 1/2) was three when one or other of the children just wouldn't share. Sharing is just plain hard for three year olds, IMO and it usually gets much better once they are four.

But I also think you should just keep asking people round, and in the end one of them will reciprocate. It's a really rare thing to find a mum and a child that you and your child both totally click with - much rarer than I realised before I had kids - but it is great when it happens and really worth persevering.