Page 3 | Why did you have another child?

Legalhelp · 2020-12-11T21:00:06+00:00

If you have had more than one child, what were your reasons for this and is it amazing or something you wish you’d thought through more? I have a toddler Dd and love the bones of her , but it’s hard bloody work! I often think about having another and a part of me really does, but then the rational side says ‘Are you nuts? This life but only harder?’ Or is it not that much harder?

EmpressSuiko · 11/12/2020 22:04

I always wanted two but I wanted them a few years apart, contraception failed us and I fell pregnant when my dd was 10 months old so my ds was completely unplanned and quite the surprise!

It is harder with two, you have to split your time and attention between them but I also had two close together so they both had a lot of needs and demands that had to be met and it was exhausting! They both have autism as well so my experience is going to be a little different.

It has been lovely having them grow up together, they fight like cat and dog but are also best friends and do everything together, they drive me crazy some days but I wouldn’t ever change a thing!

Some of my friends have larger age gaps and have said it’s easier as the older children help out or can be trusted for a few minutes while they deal with the baby etc but I’ve always felt like you just cope, you learn to adapt and the dynamics change a bit but it’s not a huge difference.

LM20 · 11/12/2020 22:05

I had a second due to my first constantly asking for a sibling. OH would also join in with the ‘an only child is a lonely child’ rubbish.

I had a 5 year gap so felt like I had my life back again. My DD arrived and I felt like a tornado had hit. Unfortunately 2 years later it still feels this way. There’s days I seriously question why on earth I agreed to a second but then when my DD wraps her arms around her big brother at night before bed and her big brother tells people he has a cute sister it reminds me why.
I’ve lost both parents, and have a big age gap between my siblings so I’m glad they have each other should they ever find themselves in a similar position.

DD was 6 months old when I sent my OH in for the snip! No one on this universe could convince me to have a third!!

BertieBotts · 11/12/2020 22:07

I always wanted more than one. Didn't know how many exactly but never envisaged myself with only one child. I veered from 2 to 5 and in between!

I had a sister growing up who was my best friend, we lived constantly in an imaginary world together and it was such amazing fun, I wanted my kids to have that experience.

Then I split up with DS1's dad when he was 1, so no close siblings for him. I wanted him to have one so much I even considered getting pregnant on purpose when I knew I was leaving but I didn't entertain that thought very long thankfully.

Having had DS1 as an only child for his first 10 years it confirmed everything to me - having one child is a very different experience and a very specific kind of family setup. It's great for lots of people, there are many upsides, but it wasn't for me. I never liked it. I found it too intense, DS1 is incredibly social and needs to be around other kids. He would have done so much better with a sibling to play with.

I still wanted another. Because I was with someone new and we wanted to have children together. Because I wanted to see what the differences between new baby and DS1 would be. Because I wanted to expand our family. Because I wanted a fuller house for things like Christmas. Because I enjoy the challenge of having different children at different ages, it makes me feel less intense about the phase either if them is in, it gives you more perspective.

We eventually had DS2 when DS1 was 10. I've just found out I'm expecting DC3 with a more typical age gap this time and I'm thrilled! I can't wait to see how they all interact but especially the two who are closer in age. And all the other things apply again as well.

Also I just wanted to do it all again (both times) - pregnancy, birth (less enthused this time), newborn bit, seeing them grow up. I love it.

I doubt we will have more than 3 because it feels like 3 is pushing it really to begin with for us, but I am glad we didn't stop at DS2.

frolicmum · 11/12/2020 22:12

I'm pregnant now and my son will be 2 in January, I really am enjoying him and stated missing my baby because he tally became a little boy. We had a chat and we both knew we're ready for a second and my internal baby monitor was ON. I can't wait for baby boy number 2.

It is however a very personal choice and if you're questioning it and needing to ask mumsnet, I'm not sure you're ready for a second but I might be wrong.

shehadsomuchpotential · 11/12/2020 22:12

I found the adjustment from 1-2 much easier then 0-1.

However, i also always thought i wanted 3 and i knew after 2 i was done. Not through it being hard. I just felt complete.

I had miscarriages in between 1-2 and i would have struggled to accept i was done after 1 despite me adoring him.

He was 3.5 when i had DD. It was a good age gap for our family.

Pyewhacket · 11/12/2020 22:23

I have three kids, none were planned. I was sterilised at 28. We were lucky enough to be able to afford a nanny.

Barmyfarmy · 11/12/2020 22:32

A few reasons.
Always wanted a big family as I came from a tiny one
DH has 2 brothers (1 passed away) and a sister and many cousins and close family members so wanted a big family too

DH is older than me (26 and 42) so we felt we want to live a very full life with many children as realistically we know he could potentially go first (morbid but it was an early discussion)

Other than my losses I've been very fortunate to have very easy and comfortable pregnancies and labours. I feel my best when pregnant and fall more in love with DH and DC with every addition to the family.

We had DS1, then 2 miscarriages, twins and Ds4. The miscarriages were horrific of course but soon after the 2nd we found out we were expecting twins and we felt ready to continue expanding our family. Ds4 is 10 months and we're ready for another one!

Also we are financially comfortable and stable, both relatively healthy with a great support system and are fortunate enough to home school our children and work from home. So we have room and resources for a few more hopefully!

Rainbowandscarlett · 11/12/2020 22:41

My parents wanted two
A boy then a girl but where told they’d never have kids
She caught on with me (girl) then my brother
Booked dad in for the snip and just before he went to get it done she gave the last of her condoms to her mate
BOOM!
Pregnant with twin boys
Dad was pushed through those hospital doors faster than he could blink
Odd thing was,my granddad had looked at their palms years earlier and said they’d have 4 kids-one girl,one boy then twin boys-all within 6/7 years (there is 6 years between me and the twins)
Oh how they laughed…
43 years later they have 7 grandkids and one on the way
She’s always said she’d love to see that doctor who said they’d never have kids,and line us all up to say ‘how wrong where you?’

Icantrememebrtheartist · 11/12/2020 22:47

No 2 was a ‘surprise’,, No1 was only 8 months old when we found out. There was 17 months between them and I didn’t find it much harder tbh, a little harder but not a huge amount, but I think that is because it was like having 2 babies.! The hardest thing was trying to give them both enough attention. No1 was a toddler and in to everything so No2 definitely spent a lot more time in a Moses basket and received less attention.

Then I had No.3 when the other were 3 and just turned 2 and that was a game changer! 3 is SO much harder than 2.

BeardieWeirdie · 11/12/2020 22:47

There are 5 years between my two and it’s wonderful. DC1 adores the baby and DC2 squeals and flaps with excitement when DC1 comes home from school. My eldest was desperate for a sibling and Covid aside, I’ve been (recently!) been able to enjoy maternity leave with daytime baby swims and walks with friends between school runs. Maybe it will get tougher later but this age gap is perfect.

Nicknamegoeshere · 11/12/2020 22:51

I have three - a 13 year-old, a 10 year-old, and a six-month old! My third is the first (and last!) for my fiancé. Big age gap but all good

delilabell · 11/12/2020 22:51

Reason for having our second was contraception failure. ds was 3&half when we had dd. It is only now that dd is nearly 5 that things are hard because she is super sassy and ds has additional needs. Otherwise it's hard but no harder than having one.
I would have had another if dh hadn't said no!

Changethetoner · 11/12/2020 22:54

@MoreKnackeredThanYou

I was an only child and was desperate for a sibling - I couldn’t have had only one myself. DH was one of 4, and he wanted two as well. Very happy with 2, couldn’t imagine going back to nappies and milk and not sleeping again!

I had lots of siblings, as did my DH. And we were desperate to only have a singleton. lol. It's funny how we're all different.

IseeIsee · 11/12/2020 23:08

As someone who was only able to have one child, this thread is very difficult to read. A lot of comments about only children being lonely and how people had a second to benefit their first child. I miscarried out second but believe (perhaps wrongly) to that our child is happy.

SimplySteveRedux · 11/12/2020 23:11

DS ( then DSS, was 2) and a massive handful and would later turn out to be autistic. Myself and DP had a conversation early in our relationship and how that if things developed between us seriously it would be in best terms of (at the time) her health and my career/financials for a second child to happen sooner rather than later. We weren't actively trying but we weren't using protection either, DD was born 18 months later and just completed us. Insanely hard work and challenging due to health concerns, but as we look back with both children now adults we're really happy we made the choices we did (including my adoption of DS ).

SimplySteveRedux · 11/12/2020 23:12

Oh, we didn't want a massive age gap between siblings either.

morekidsthanhands · 11/12/2020 23:17

@IseeIsee I 100% believe your child is happy. My nephew is an only child and my sister can't have anymore. The relationship they all have is lovely- he has their full attention and they do loads together ❤.

As for me, I was asked to take in my partners nice and nephew 3 years ago who had been in care for a year. At the time I had a just turned one year old and they where 4 and 2. Its been challenging but amazing and I wouldn't change it. My only downside is I can't afford any more children and would have had another. I do think about sometimes but three is enough!

blackkitty1234 · 11/12/2020 23:31

Pregnant with my first and already decided that I am having no more after this. I have hated being pregnant from start to finish. My Dd will have to tolerate being an only child.

blackkitty1234 · 11/12/2020 23:33

@IseeIsee

As someone who was only able to have one child, this thread is very difficult to read. A lot of comments about only children being lonely and how people had a second to benefit their first child. I miscarried out second but believe (perhaps wrongly) to that our child is happy.

I’m sure your child is very happy. I hated my sibling growing up. Six years between us and not a thing in common.

FourPlatinumRings · 11/12/2020 23:35

Eventually they will play together and I can spend less of my time playing kiddie games with my eldest because she'll have someone to play with. Plus, my eldest was obviously very poor at sharing so I figured she would benefit from learning she's not the only person in the world who matters.

SandyY2K · 11/12/2020 23:40

I never wanted to have just one child...I wanted my DC to have a sibing and I enjoyed having siblings myself, so wouldn't have had an only.

It is hard work...and knowing you'll go through that labour pain again is not something to look forward to...but I love having my 2 DDs.

Mine are both in University now, so I've long left the hard work stage.

MenoHiccup · 11/12/2020 23:46

Because there was a gaping hole. The minute we had one, we knew we had to have another. If anything, the urge to have dc2 was even stronger than the desire to have dc1. Maybe oxytocin is to blame!

For our subsequent children, the urge was not nearly as strong as for dc2.

It's difficult to explain... it's just an urge. After dc1, I always felt that Dh and I have four hands between us, so there was room for four children.

Dh was content with 2, but had more because I wanted more. There came a point were I had to accept his wishes, too.

elliejjtiny · 12/12/2020 00:00

Because dc1 was so great I wanted another 1. My dc and dh are the best things that have ever happened to me.

FlyingByTheSeatof · 12/12/2020 00:01

I had 2 so they would always have each other and if one died then I'd have another. Simple as that.

FourPlatinumRings · 12/12/2020 00:03

@IseeIsee

As someone who was only able to have one child, this thread is very difficult to read. A lot of comments about only children being lonely and how people had a second to benefit their first child. I miscarried out second but believe (perhaps wrongly) to that our child is happy.

This is a big problem with modern day parenting- the tendency to take people's justification of their own choices as a slight against your own. Like how a mum explaining why they breastfed often offends the ones who formula fed. People are different, families are different. There's no one right way and each family set-up has pros and cons. I'm sure your kid is having a lovely childhood.