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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why did you have another child?

92 replies

Legalhelp · 11/12/2020 21:00

If you have had more than one child, what were your reasons for this and is it amazing or something you wish you’d thought through more?
I have a toddler Dd and love the bones of her , but it’s hard bloody work! I often think about having another and a part of me really does, but then the rational side says ‘Are you nuts? This life but only harder?’ Or is it not that much harder?

OP posts:

Fruggalo · 11/12/2020 21:25

The moment I’d had my first - before I held him - I had the most amazing urge to do it again. And like a pp said, the desire to conceive a second was more than first time round (as was the sadness when it didn’t happen for several years).

My third was an accident and I’m very glad he happened, but the idea of a third was more of an experimental thought process.

I know happy families with 1,2,3,4 children - it feels different for everyone. I do know i feel complete now.

HelplessProcrastinator · 11/12/2020 21:25

Because I was lonely as a child (big age gap with younger sibling) and I didn’t want that for my first born. Nearly 3 year age gap and going from 1 to 2 was much easier than life with just the PFB. They get on well most of the time which means I don’t have to do much entertaining. It’s hard as the oldest is demand avoidant Aspie but we have lots of laughs.

HarryHarryHarry · 11/12/2020 21:25

We had the second one because we’d always planned for at least 2 (ideally 3) and we wanted them to be close in age so (1) they could do things together and (2) I could take 1 longer career break rather than 2 or more shorter ones.

The plan for the 3rd baby has sort of gone out the window now though as I know I won’t be able to cope! It’s bloody hard work!

nevergoingoutagain · 11/12/2020 21:29

I wanted my girl to have a sibling. I was also hugely broody! It went well in the long term they're best friends though in the short Term I found it very difficult but mostly due to PND the second time.

With our 3rd we were undecided but I just had a feeling we weren't complete if you get me? The age gap was bigger so the closeness between siblings wasn't so much a factor though they did adore her when she was younger (not so much now she's 7 and slightly irritating!)

nokidshere · 11/12/2020 21:31

I wanted 4 but 17yrs of infertility put paid to that and (thankfully) I ended up with two. And then I was pleased because that's more than enough

Putthegasfireon · 11/12/2020 21:32

I wanted at least 2 and now I'm in my forties looking back, I don't know why I even went for one. It was definitely hormone driven. My husband wanted us to try for another in our late 30's and I think my body was urging me into giving it one last push but I waited it out a couple of years and I'm glad I stuck at 2.

I mean, I love the bones of my kids, but the urge to to procreate had totally disappeared and now it seems weird that I even tried at all. I don't feel like cooing over newborns and I wouldn't be bothered if my kids chose not to have kids (which sounds really harsh). But I do remember my first born as a toddler used to run up to other kids and introduce himself and at the time it broke my heart a little bit so I thought he might like someone to play with, which is weak but again, I think hormones played a part.

Bitcherama · 11/12/2020 21:34

Because one was amazing. Two are fantastic.

Theotherrudolph · 11/12/2020 21:36

We just wanted another, was as simple as that. We found having two children far more than twice the work of having one (despite DC2 being an easier baby and toddler) - I think I subconsciously expected to do just DC1’s babyhood again but actually babyhood combined with very jealous toddler was hard. Suddenly instead of one parent having DC1 and the other having some free time, we both almost always had a child! It’s a million times easier now they are a bit older and go to school. I have wondered many times if I’d make the same decision again but always conclude I wouldn’t change it. DC1&2 have a lovely relationship and that alone makes it worth it. Over lockdown in spring I was so so glad they had each other. That said we are absolutely definitely totally done - I have no desire for another!

Tistheseason17 · 11/12/2020 21:38

Always wanted 2 girls. Got the dream but wished I'd been young enough to have more!

minipie · 11/12/2020 21:38

We always wanted 2, but nearly stopped at 1.

DC1 was unbelievably difficult- premature, didn’t feed well, didn’t sleep ever. Until she was 18 months I couldn’t contemplate another. She went through a (relatively!) easy patch at 18 months and I got keen on no 2. Mainly as we are both one of two and that was always the plan.

Is it harder? Yes and no. DD2 was a far far easier baby... but I got major PND. Looking after two is far harder than one... but it isn’t boring, they provide entertainment and busyness. They fight often... but they also play together and love each other so much.

I can’t see any benefits to having 3 or more mind you!

2bazookas · 11/12/2020 21:40

We liked the first one so much we immediately got started on number 2. Then 3, Then 4.

Carouselfish · 11/12/2020 21:45

To give dd a person shes close to when we are gone. And because I didnt fully appreciate the baby phase first time round. Im much more relaxed with 2nd baby. Helps that dd is at school as there's a 5 year gap.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 11/12/2020 21:46

I was an only who hated it and dh was one of 3. We felt that whilst there was a chance 2 won't get on, there was also a chance they will. At 5 and 2 they are currently have a brilliant relationship so hopefully that will continue.

For me 2 wasn't harder but I had a horrendous birth with dc1, a nicu stay and postpartum psychosis. When dc2 was born, I knew what I was doing, was happy and everything felt right.

june2007 · 11/12/2020 21:46

Both myself and my husband have more then one sibling. I aways think 1 child would be lonely. I know thats not always the case but I always wanted more then 1.

mistermagpie · 11/12/2020 21:47

I have three. They are 1,3 and 5.

We had the second because if I was going to have one I wanted to (at least try to) have two. No real idea why but I just felt like I didn't want to have an only child and DH was the same. I am an only essentially (complicated) and my husband is one of four so this influenced the decision I expect.

The third was just because my heart wanted her so badly, I can't even explain why! Luckily my DH felt the same.

The second was a tough tough baby, he's still hard work to be honest. But I still found having him and his brother together easier than having one on their own. That's still the case, my three year old is much easier when his brother is around and vice versa. I find them harder on their own because they get bored.

The third is still a baby but she was honestly one of the best decisions we ever made. She is the loveliest baby in the world and I haven't really found it any harder with three than two.

I think some people just adapt to multiple children more easily. I have very low expectations of life really and am quite flexible and pragmatic as a person, I find this helps!

nanbread · 11/12/2020 21:48

I'm an outlier but having 2dc was about 10 times harder and fucking brutal.

DC2 had/ has medical and developmental issues.

Around the time he was born, it also transpired DC1 had an illness that has impacted his and our lives.

We had no family support and the first 2/3 years were so horrendous both my DH and I had major MH issues, It's a miracle our relationship survived.

They can play nicely at times now but - partly because of their issues and the trauma of those years - they fight a lot and struggle to play together without adult input. There's a lot of jealousy and competition.

I can't imagine my life without DC2, they're incredible in so many ways. And for every person like me there are probably 20 whose DC get on brilliantly with no issues. But I know quite a few friends whose second or third child has disabilities or medical conditions, my experience isn't as rare as you'd think.

I suppose my point is, you don't know how things are going to pan out.

Graffitiqueen · 11/12/2020 21:50

I always wanted at least 2. Nearly stopped at 1 as DS was such hard work. So glad I had another though. DD is just wonderful. They both are. Kind of wish now I'd had another but too late.

nanbread · 11/12/2020 21:50

Sorry didn't answer your question and meant to! We actually wanted three children at first, we both have siblings and wanted that for our child, and weren't sure we were "done" after one so gave it a try. We then had a miscarriage and realised it was something we really wanted.

Ilovesugar · 11/12/2020 21:52

My first had colic and was a hard baby so by the time a second came alone without colic they were a breath of fresh air and super easy. You are already tired being a parent so it’s less of a shock to the system. I honestly found 1 to 2 so much easier than being a first time mum. I enjoyed it a lot more, less worried for sure.

I always wanted more than 1 and I think it would have been one of my greatest regrets in life not having a second

Stompythedinosaur · 11/12/2020 21:52

I had dd2 because I wanted her. There's nothing wrong with stopping at 1 if that is what you want.

I would disagree that having a single dc is easier though. It might be for a bit when they are tiny, but my two dc occupy each other wonderfully now. I think lockdown would have been very hard for families with a single dc.

Womanwiththegoldenbun · 11/12/2020 21:54

I think the sibling bond can be truly special and it is the longest relationship you will have in your life so wanted my child to have that bond.

Also something a mother of an only child posted here on MN " who will hold my child's hand at my funeral? Who would truly understand her pain and her grief?"

It really stuck with me that comment.

Oly4 · 11/12/2020 21:54

I have 3 and always wanted 3, I love seeing their sibling relationship and they will have each other when we are long gone. I love having a big family, I love the idea of having 3 adult children.
Is it hard work? Incredibly. Would I change it? Never

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/12/2020 21:57

Much the same as many others- wanted a sibling, couldn’t fathom being my child’s only playmate when at home or in a playground.
Couldn’t actually imagine having another until my first was verbal, toilet trained and more
Self sufficient; so 3yr age gap worked for me.

ComDummings · 11/12/2020 21:57

I always wanted more than one and I was a bit traumatised by the first birth so decided to ‘get the second out of the way’ (the logic of trauma...). 2 year age gap and baby 2 slotted right in. I found having baby 1 so hard (poor sleeper, feeding troubles, EMCS, PITA toddler) but second time round was a breeze (good sleeper, no feeding troubles ELCS). They’re best friends now they’re 5 and 7 and entertain each other so much, which is great for me! Going from 0-1 was waaaaaaay harder than going from 1-2 for me, it’s hard work of course in the early days of a second child but I feel so lucky 2 was a textbook baby and most laid back toddler on earth.

LindyLou2020 · 11/12/2020 22:00

I was an only child. My father was an only child, and my mother was from another country, so I had no extended family and was desperately lonely. Plus my home wasn't a happy one.
So I didn't want my son to be an only child. I had my daughter 3 years after him. I loved having them so much that I tried for more, but had 2 miscarriages. Nature was obviously telling me "no", as by then I was 40.
There are many, very happy "only" children, but I wasn't one of them.

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