Secret FaceTime calls with MIL

[Dopeyduck]

I’m probably being unreasonable here but I just find the situation odd.

I’m going to call my DP’s mother by MIL, we’re not married but to keep it easy to follow / type.

Following making an arrangement to see MIL for a walk outside DP remarked that DS (1) ‘probably won’t remember her’ so I said ‘he definitely won’t remember her, he hasn’t seen her since the day we brought him home from hospital as a newborn’.

DP then says oh but he’s seen her on FaceTime. This shocked me as she has never ever called or spoken with DS. I questioned DP and it turns out that he’s FaceTimed her ‘a couple or a few times whilst I’ve been out and he’s looking after DS’

I find this odd as he has always done it when I’m out and hasn’t ever mentioned it. I don’t have any issues with them FaceTiming or DS being involved etc just feels strange to have kept it from me. It’s normally the sort of thing we would mention.

Is this odd?

My DH often FaceTimes his parents with the kids when I’m out, I think it’s just something to do rather than it being “secret”.
There must be a back story here though... you haven’t seen her in over a year? And you thought your DP had never rung her? Did you ever question that?

Depends.

Why haven't they seem each other on over a year? Is there some beck story there?

Before DS came along did he face time his Mom much?

What did he say when you said he'd never told you he did that?

Largely though it doesn't matter does it. I don't tell DH everything I do with DC. I don't expect him to tell me. Unless there's a massive drop feed about why you're LC it isn't an issue

The secrecy seems odd but maybe he just didn't think to mention it. Dh doesn't tell me when he calls his mum, unless she says something interesting.

Do you and your DP ever speak to each other?

In the past year have you never once asked him "hey DP, have you spoken to your mum this week/month/lockdown/year? How is she?"

No backstory. She doesn’t live locally at all and doesn’t drive. DS was in hospital most of his first 10 weeks and then covid happened and it’s a long way to travel for a quick socially distanced visit. She was shielding.

DP doesn’t see her often. I’ve never known them to talk on the phone in all the time I’ve known him. They’re not that close. I know they WhatsApp occasionally and I know he sends pics of DS etc.

I don’t find It that odd they’ve FaceTimed just odd he’s never mentioned it to me.

@HotSince63 yes of course we’ve had these conversations- they normally message. That’s why it’s odd he never mentioned it.

I find it really odd when they got home and you said "how was your walk?" he never once mentioned it!

My husband video calls when I’m out or sleeping in. I think it’s for something different to do and i think it’s nice for PIL to see kids when I’m not hovering around! I presume he does it every few weeks but he only mentions it occasionally. I don’t find it weird at all unless there is a back story.

She lives 2.5hrs from us so five hr round trip. That’s not easy with a small baby when she has been shielding / not keen to mix with anyone.

We’re meeting half way for a walk outside as she’s decided she doesn’t want to see family at Christmas. We can’t isolate to see her safely as we’re key workers.

I'd find that very odd and I wouldn't want someone to be so secretive. It would make me doubt other things.

Does he think you'd disapprove?

I'd find it odd that somebody expected me to mention it every time I made a phone call! It's not a secret - he's just told you.

Your being weird op. DH speaks to his nana and his mum regularly and unless they say something very interesting or I ask after them I would never know.

I don’t think he thinks I’d disapprove. His step mother and his dad live nearby, they were also shielding and called to see us / watch DS play etc. No issues.

There is no issue with them FaceTiming, it literally is just that I find it odd not being mentioned.

For example my brother lives far away also and I haven’t seen him since pre lockdown #1 - if DP came home from work and we were chatting about our day I might say ‘DS saw uncle duck today on FaceTime’ they’re ok, they’ve been up to ....

Does he have to clear all of his communications with you op? I'm getting very controlling vibes

It doesn’t sound like he’s been secretive at all. It’s not something I’d necessarily expect my husband to tell me. If I make a comment like the kids won’t remember your parents he’d probably mention FaceTiming them.
It would be something he’d probably do out of boredom and to pass the time whilst I wasn’t around. He’d probably not do it whilst I was there as he’d have other things to ‘entertain’ him

Yep perhaps I am being weird! That’s why I’m asking. Clearly I just talk more about my phone conversations than he does. Perhaps I’m boring 😂

Well, it's not a secret because he has told you, presumably the conversation hasn't come up before. I usually ring my DM with DS if DH is out because I hate having phone conversations in front of anyone and then I can have a good gossip. I just can't concentrate if someone else is there. I might tell DH that I've done that if something of interest comes up but other times I might not.

@MrsRogerLima controlling? Wow. I know mumsnet is sceptical of everything but this is a little far.

If he chats to his own mum on FT while you’re out, of course she’s also going to see your DS. She’s his mum - of course they speak.

My OH does this when I’m out. I think he uses it as a way to entertain the kids so he can be lazy when in charge... I’m happy with the arrangement as they get to see their gran and doesn’t involve me

I personally wouldn't be bothered by this. For whatever reason, he didn't tell you, perhaps he didn't want to or he didn't even think to, but whatever the case, it's his mum he's talking to and he can be private about it if he wants to.

@OverTheRainbow88 - yep that’s probably what it is. Sounds like DP.

And no before anyone asks there’s no weird I hate my MIL situation. We’re not close but she’s not that close to DP. Pre covid we would see her maybe 2-3 times a year plus Christmas visit. We’ve always got along fine. Nothing really to report. As I said we’re only meeting up as she’s not doing any Christmas entertaining and DP naturally wants to see her as we’ve not seen her all year so we’re meeting half way. We were hoping to be able to do a meal out or something together for Christmas but we’re tier 2 so we can’t and a walk it is.

I think it's a bit strange that he has never mentioned it before, even in passing.

I’d have no issue with this either. He’s an adult and can speak to his parent whenever he wants. I don’t expect DH to give me a running commentary of everything he does whilst I’m out.