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Original poster

Secret FaceTime calls with MIL

62 replies

Dopeyduck · 11/12/2020 18:49

I’m probably being unreasonable here but I just find the situation odd.

I’m going to call my DP’s mother by MIL, we’re not married but to keep it easy to follow / type.

Following making an arrangement to see MIL for a walk outside DP remarked that DS (1) ‘probably won’t remember her’ so I said ‘he definitely won’t remember her, he hasn’t seen her since the day we brought him home from hospital as a newborn’.

DP then says oh but he’s seen her on FaceTime. This shocked me as she has never ever called or spoken with DS. I questioned DP and it turns out that he’s FaceTimed her ‘a couple or a few times whilst I’ve been out and he’s looking after DS’

I find this odd as he has always done it when I’m out and hasn’t ever mentioned it. I don’t have any issues with them FaceTiming or DS being involved etc just feels strange to have kept it from me. It’s normally the sort of thing we would mention.

Is this odd?

OP posts:
Planty13 · 11/12/2020 19:23

Um I honestly don’t see the issue at all? It’s so normal it’s not even worth mentioning surely? Since Covid-19 my family FaceTime much more frequently (we never used to) but I’ve never had a conversation about it if that makes sense? I also hate talking on the phone infront of others and prefer to not be in the same room as OH when talking to my mum even though we aren’t saying anything top secret. He probably just prefers to do it when you’re out but not surprised he hasn’t thought to mention it.

andweallsingalong · 11/12/2020 19:26

I agree that you're over thinking OP.

He most likely is doing things with you or in a routine when you're there and when you're out he wonders what to do with ds and uses his mum as a pleasant way to fill the time.

butterpuffed · 11/12/2020 19:28

I don't think your DP's being secretive or he wouldn't have said 'oh but he sees her on Facetime' .

ZanyPam · 11/12/2020 19:31

Man rings his mother.

Shocking.

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2020 19:35

@MrsRogerLima

Does he have to clear all of his communications with you op? I'm getting very controlling vibes
Why on earth is it controlling?? (the most overused word on MN)

If I was talking to my mum I think I would mention to my DH that we had and she'd mentioned such-and-such or she said XYZ about DS.

The OP isn't objecting or demanding, she's just surprised!

Lemonsyellow · 11/12/2020 19:37

I don’t think it’s odd. Why would he mention it?

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2020 19:38

And if she knew about the Facetiming, she might want to ask after her MiL too. No point if they haven't spoken.

soughsigh · 11/12/2020 19:38

I get what you mean. It is a little odd that he wouldn't mention it in passing. Like my DH will say 'i facetimed SIL today, she's been up to this, that and the other'. Or 'i facetimed BIL & SIL today, they're looking really well, DS was being really cute for them'. Or more usually 'i facetimed MIL and DS had a tantrum so I had to hang up'.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 11/12/2020 19:41

@ZanyPam

Man rings his mother.

Shocking.

Grin This. If it’s enough of a big deal to you that you start a thread on it, I can see why he wouldn’t tell you.

Get a grip.

Sh05 · 11/12/2020 19:44

He's probably like my oh and just never thought to mention it. I sometimes think he's not telling me something but it just doesn't cross his mind to mention it.
Occasionally my mil will start talking about something and I'm clueless because oh has forgotten to pass on a message from her!

KittenCalledBob · 11/12/2020 19:45

I usually phone my mum when DH isn't around - not sure why really.

It's a bit odd he's never said "I was speaking to my mum earlier, and she says...." though.

SandyY2K · 11/12/2020 19:45

Does he have to clear all of his communications with you op? I'm getting very controlling vibes

I got that sense as well.
I find it odd that you want to be told.

I would expect that I can speak to my parents and have my DC speak to them, without the need to mention to DH...it's a non event...so unless my mum said anything that I felt DH needed to know... then I don't see I need to say anything.

I wonder if it's just something for him to do. Or if he thinks you would not approve or be funny about it.

I think it's good that he's making the effort to do it himself...as all too often the wife gets blamed for no facetiming or baby pics which I find rather unfair.

DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour · 11/12/2020 19:46

I went to the toilet when DP was out, and didnt tell him about it. Too secretive? Honestly OP, i cant understand why you see your DP ringing his mum and not mentioning it to you as any sort of issue. I'd feel a bit suffocated if I had to report everything I do to DP.

FakeFakeNews · 11/12/2020 19:48

My husband does most of his calls when I'm not around and I tend to call my Mum when I have the house to myself too.

Neither of us would necessarily mention it unless there was something worth mentioning.

He either paces about while talking on the phone and gets on my tits cos I'm watching or concentrating on something. He himself would find dd and I chatting in the background distracting so when they ring him and dd and I are chatting or something he'd go in another room anyway. I'm the same when I phone my Mother.

We don't do whole family calls we're we'd all sit together on camera and when dd was little DH would usually be at work. I didn't tell him when we'd done this but it wasn't cos it was secret.

VetiverAndLavender · 11/12/2020 19:49

I would think it strange that he hadn't mentioned it, since it's happened two or three times. To forget once, I could maybe understand, but not every single time. However, it's completely possible that he didn't forget or keep it "secret", but just didn't think it was interesting enough to mention.

Again, that would be odd for me and my husband. We'd probably mention it, but not everyone's the same. If he is the type to normally talk about little things that happen in his day, I'd wonder why he didn't talk about the FaceTime calls, but even then I'd try not to worry. It doesn't necessarily mean he's secretive about anything important.

CommanderBurnham · 11/12/2020 19:51

Not implying that your Mil is like this but mine calls when she knows I'm out. She's been caught out a few times but the first thing she asks is so where's Commander?' It's obvious she doesn't want me there, and DH has a right to speak to his mum. So that's the way it is.

jessstan1 · 11/12/2020 19:55

@zigaziga

My DH often FaceTimes his parents with the kids when I’m out, I think it’s just something to do rather than it being “secret”. There must be a back story here though... you haven’t seen her in over a year? And you thought your DP had never rung her? Did you ever question that?
I agree that it doesn't seem at all out of the ordinary for your partner to do that.
LindaEllen · 11/12/2020 20:03

Tbh I call my parents/grandparents when DP is out somewhere, or at work during the day.

This isn't because there's any need for it to be a secret, rather that it's easier to find the time when he's not here, as I think it's a bit rude to sit on the phone when he's in (and I wouldn't subject him to being a part of our family chats haha as it gets a bit mad).

I might tell DP I've called them if there's anything of interest that he'd like to know, but the majority of the time I'll phone them and he won't know about it.

NellieEllie · 11/12/2020 20:22

Yes, it IS odd.

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 11/12/2020 20:35

I would expect that I can speak to my parents and have my DC speak to them, without the need to mention to DH...it's a non event...so unless my mum said anything that I felt DH needed to know... then I don't see I need to say anything.

Same here. I speak/facetime with my parents and other relatives every week and wouldn’t think to tell DP unless something was worth mentioning. I know he calls/messages his mam often and again, only mentions it if needed

Fluffyhairforever · 11/12/2020 20:40

I agree this is not a problem. My husband calls his parents when I’m out because he knows I don’t care / need to speak to them. Especially when he’s bored on Sunday afternoons. I wouldn’t worry OP.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 11/12/2020 20:42

I think it depends on the person—if I had a conversation with someone and my partner didn’t know about it, it absolutely would be because it’s a giant secret as I share everything regardless of whether they want to know 😂

Doublebubblebubble · 11/12/2020 20:44

I personally think (given that your ds spent a while in hospital annd then the covid restrictions came about) that this is just something that DP has got used to doing. Not necessarily deception.

SeaMoonWave · 11/12/2020 20:53

I would find it hugely strange not to mention in passing “DS smiled for granny today on FaceTime etc”

diamondpony80 · 11/12/2020 21:07

I don’t know, I’d speak to my mum and dad sometimes on the phone or WhatsApp while DH is at work. Wouldn’t really think to bring it up unless I had some news or gossip to relay. Which there isn’t much of these days with everyone stuck at home! I don’t see it as being secretive - there probably just isn’t anything interesting to tell.