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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 year old abs 9 year old at home all day alone while we work.

96 replies

WheresMyMask · 11/12/2020 11:19

There's two days DH and I are at work and the kids are off school.
Monday 21st
Tuesday 22nd

Obviously the 14 year old is fine at home during the day.
And I can get childcare for the 9 year old. But I'm wondering whether I need to to. I think they will probably be fine, just a bit bored. I don't think they will set the house on fire.

Timing wise it would be 07.45-5.15 by themselves two days running.

YABU - never! You're a neglectful witch!
YANBU - of course! My kids have been looking after themselves since they were 2.

OP posts:
VividImagination · 11/12/2020 12:40

I’m just imagining leaving my 14 year old ds with my 9 year old dgs. It would be carnage!! I think it depends on the children. I would have left my niece with ds when he was 9 so I don’t think YABU.

Shadeslayer · 11/12/2020 12:41

I leave 14 year old to look after 8 and 4 year old. 100% trust her and the younger ones to behave. I'm never more than 5 miles max away and not for more than 4 hours. We have a neighbour who they can go to in an emergency. I think not allowing kids responsibility is a lot of whats wrong with younger generations.

ScatteredMama82 · 11/12/2020 12:42

Totally fine IMO.

AdelaideK · 11/12/2020 12:43

I think it's fine. It's only for two days and I assume you will be having plenty of time together over Christmas.

Jellycatspyjamas · 11/12/2020 12:44

I wouldn’t, my 9 year old isn’t anywhere near able to be responsible for her own behaviour so the 14 year old would need to supervise and I wouldn’t place that responsibility on them for two full days, a couple of hours maybe but it’s too long a time for me. If it’s possible for the 9 year old to go to childcare I’d do that.

ClaireP20 · 11/12/2020 12:44

They'll be fine Inthink, although as an older sibling myself, I would sugget your treat them both to something nice. Tell the 14 year old you'll treat him for looking after the 9 year old, and tell the 9 year old you'll treat him to something for being good for the 14 year old. It'll just be a lovely gesture x

Dizzy1234 · 11/12/2020 12:53

I'm sure they'll be fine. So what if they spend all day on their phones / tablets, what's the harm for a couple of days.
You could get them a charcuterie type lunch in, meats, cheeses, bread etc (lidl 😉)
Give them a safety talk, don't answer the door, no friends in, who to contact in an emergency etc.
They'll enjoy a bit of freedom I'm sure

Saz12 · 11/12/2020 12:56

I would. IMO giving children real responsibilities is important, and showing them you trust them can only be positive.

Once I’d decided to do it, I would ask them if they like the idea first. That way you get to agree rules and they’re bought in to how it’s going to be, and you get to emphasise how you trust them etc.
If either say “no” then you have to respect that (but I bet they won’t!).

CremeEggThief · 11/12/2020 12:56

My DS was left home alone all day for the first time at 11, just before he turned 12. I went through what the rules were with him beforehand, made sure he understood and agreed with them, I think I left a packed lunch for him in the fridge (to avoid trying to cook!), and left him to it. No back up person, because we didn't have one. It was fine.

MoiraNotRuby · 11/12/2020 13:02

My 14 year old does paid babysitting (except during lockdown obvs) - its different for siblings but the age is fine.

TantieTowie · 11/12/2020 13:06

I think it depends on whether they are likely to argue and whether the 9YO is pretty grown up or not. Can vary enormously.

Interested to hear the answers though since I was wondering last night when I could stop getting a babysitter for my similar aged children, who will be 10 and 14 next year. Like some of the PP I was also babysitting – for a baby – at 14, including one time overnight (!), and I also think that kids do need to be given more responsibility. (A very academic question since very much nowhere to go at the moment here in tier 3).

Dontstepinthecowpat · 11/12/2020 13:07

I would have no issues at all. Our rules are no cooking or making tea, no baths/showers, don’t answer the door (no one could see in through our doors and they spend most of their time upstairs in the playroom). And the 13 year old must answer his phone when I call or they won’t be left again. Sometimes I’ve gone to Tesco and come back to find they have hoovered and the floors are soaking from mopping but not wringing out. It’s important that they have responsibilities, by brother had none and it’s really done him no favours, he is not a capable adult and can barely live alone!

DimidDavilby · 11/12/2020 13:10

Oh my god op I just think that is so so unfair on your 14 year old. Foisting this kind of caring responsibility on young shoulders can be very damaging to a young persons mental health. Not to mention what if they get distracted! You obviously would never leave a nine year old alone (I hope!!!!) so don't leave them with someone who can barely take care of themselves. What if they decide to cook?!? I can't believe you're even considering this tbh.

Sorry I just felt like the thread needed balance

ImnotCarolineHirons · 11/12/2020 13:10

Would totally depend for me on how mature and sensible they both are. I look at my friends with kids with similar age gaps and could tell you who would be absolutely fine and who would definitely be not! (ever seen the Kevin Bridges sketch about having an "empty"? GrinGrinGrin)

Agree with point about 14 year old sleeping until lunchtime or gaming with headphones and unaware. There would need to be rules in place obviously but if you think they are going to be ok, I'd go with your knowledge of your kids characters.

Agree a local adult to contact is a good idea if it's at all difficult to get you or your husband on the phone at work.

AldiAisleofCrap · 11/12/2020 13:12

I would leave a sensible 9 year old alone, at 14 and 9 it’s absolutely fine.

CremeEggThief · 11/12/2020 13:12

Just to say as well I was regularly babysitting over night for 3 children from when I was 13, in the early 90s. There was no house phone, I wouldn't know exactly where their mum was, and when I say overnight, it would quite often be anywhere up to 3 p.m. before the mum got back home!
All completely normal for how and where I was raised.

thecakebadge · 11/12/2020 13:19

I find it so odd that people are saying no to this. So many people including myself used to be responsible for other people kids when babysitting at this age. So what has changed? The world is objectively no more dangerous than it used to be.
Why do some people not expect teenagers to learn any responsibility? Or have to do anything that they might not be keen on? Yes the 14 yo might prefer to do something else than look after their younger sibling all day. But it’s a good lesson that sometimes we do have to do things we’d rather not and just make the best of it. You shouldn’t have to pay or bribe them, it’s just part of becoming an adult and learning responsibility. And they should certainly be trusted not to physically fight with a sibling who is 5 years younger.

flaviaritt · 11/12/2020 13:20

The world is objectively no more dangerous than it used to be.

It’s a lot less dangerous than it used to be. But that’s because of how standards have changed. And not leaving one child in charge of another is one of those things that has (slowly) become more questionable.

ahhanotheryear · 11/12/2020 13:21

I would leave them but is there a neighbour who will be in that they can phone in an emergency or just if they feel they want an adult for something and can check on them half way through the day.

vanillandhoney · 11/12/2020 13:23

It's fine. I'd be more worried if the 14yo couldn't be trusted, to look after their sibling for a couple of days, tbh (assuming no SEN, of course).

wellthatsunusual · 11/12/2020 13:27

The 9yo can go to holiday club.

Such a Mumsnet answer, the assumption that everyone has a holiday club where they live.

OP, it's fine if you think they're sensible enough.

underneaththeash · 11/12/2020 13:38

I have 2 of that age. We let DS babysit in the evening now and for a few hours during the day. All day is too long though.
Could you get someone from sitters for half the day?

Fuzzmutt · 11/12/2020 13:39

What's preventing you from getting childcare for your youngest child?

Cindie943811A · 11/12/2020 13:39

No matter how responsible a child might be he/she does not have the necessary judgment to be totally safe. Babysitting a neighbours children is a different scenario as there are firm boundaries and no temptation to use electrical appliances etc and the children are in bed for all if not the majority of the time.
Only one lapse of good judgment can cause a disaster. The parent may then be accused of negligence.
I’m of the better safe than sorry point of view, I’m afraid. Plenty of opportunities to give children independence without conferring the responsibility for health and safety of a sibling.
I think the very fact you have asked the question OP demonstrates your doubts about the matter. Allow the 14 yea old to take responsibility for himself. Maybe he could collect his sib from the caregiver at the end of the day.

Siw2020 · 11/12/2020 13:42

Obviously I don't know your children but I would have thought most/ the average 14 year old and 9 year old would manage just fine.

We were home alone when younger than your 9 year old (I was younger, sibling 2 years older). Parents would ensure there is plenty of home cooked meals for us, snacks etc. We just got on with our homework, then playing after that, meals etc and put ourselves to bed. Just followed our usual routine. Often over night (shift workers)and would walk to school the following morning. Older sibling had a house key (in the day before mobile phones) and would walk me to and from my school / before going to own school.

This wasn't that long ago ~15 years.

Perhaps the world was a safer place then. It probably helped shape us into independent adults. That said, now as an adult (not yet a parent) I'm not sure how comfortable I would feel raising any future DC the way I was raised.....
(In some ways, I feel we had too much freedom and though we were sensible I am not sure other children would be! I suppose I'll have to wait and see what any future DC of mine will be like and treat it on a case by case/ child by child basis.)

Good luck OP