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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU SIL & Ex at Christmas

97 replies

Doozy1991 · 11/12/2020 10:24

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off with my SIL.

She invited my family for Christmas day as she has done for the past few years. Really looking forward to it but have just found out she has decided to invite DHs ex. DH suffers terribly with his mental health, has been sectioned already this year & his relationship with ex is not good, she openly admitted to purposely getting pregnant by putting holes in condoms, not taking the pill, and is generally a bit wild.

DH has said he is not going if she is going, SIL has said she wants her there as otherwise she'll be alone christmas day (she wouldn't). SIL said she wouldn't want to be away from her sons for half the day and just because I can be away from my DD1 doesn't mean Ex should. Ex was quite happy to finally split Christmas 50/50, she usually goes abroad for all of December and takes DS so we don't ever see him at Christmas.

So as not to drip feed SIL and EX are friends, but not overly close.
SIL said her reason to invite EX was she thought DH could kick off due to his mental health and she wanted someone else to talk to
DH has had to have a lot of support from PIL due to crisis this year, therefore taking away her baby sitters
I had a baby in April and was looking forward to getting out 😅

So AIBU to feel like she's ruined what would have been a good day??

OP posts:

HowayPet · 11/12/2020 13:33

@Doozy1991

I just want to state I have hosted more than just Christmas and on more than one occasion. This will be her 3rd year hosting. No one is forcing SIL to host, it will also be BIL doing all the cooking as she can't cook (her words). MIL wanted to host this year but SIL wouldn't budge. I go all out for her children all year round, I take them on days out, I buy them random gifts, they stay over (pre-covid!) I've always got on well with SIL until I fell pregnant, things got a bit iffy between us but that's not an excuse to do what she is doing to my DH. PIL don't want EX there either but to avoid an argument will still go to SILs christmas day. And I'm not offering to host as you couldn't fit 12 people in my house and I'm quite happy staying home.

Doozy you shouldn’t have to justify yourself. You have not in anyway come across as inconsiderate to your sil x

goopsoup · 11/12/2020 13:56

@HowayPet

Wow didn’t you jump to a lot of conclusions?

No where has The ops post indicated any of this.

Perhaps you should have asked op to clarify on anything you weren’t sure of instead of making up your own narrative.

Why are you being snippy to @Mummyoflittledragon ? She hasn't made any assumptions, just given her view as someone with a bigger house who was expected to host. You are the one being nasty picking on her when she is just engaging in a debate. Get over yourself, you're not the thread police.

switswooo · 11/12/2020 14:00

I just want to state I have hosted more than just Christmas and on more than one occasion. This will be her 3rd year hosting.

I think you're right to stay home, but I'm a bit confused, you say your house is too small to host and instead you always contribute towards to the cost of dinner but now you say have hosted?

Original poster

Doozy1991 · 11/12/2020 14:20

I've lived in many a house.

OP posts:

NoSleepInTheHeat · 11/12/2020 14:22

Don't go and if the arrangement is for DSS to be with his dad, don't send him to SIL.
SIL will feel a bit silly with Ex there but not your family, I imagine.

OhCaptain · 11/12/2020 14:55

I've always got on well with SIL until I fell pregnant, things got a bit iffy between us but that's not an excuse to do what she is doing to my DH.

Hmm. This is interesting and probably the crux of the matter.

Bibidy · 11/12/2020 15:36

I can't understand why your DH's ex would rather do this than see her own family on Christmas Day.

I 100% think you should still take your SS though, they shouldn't get to screw up your & DH plans of for once being able to see him at Christmas this way. If his ex wants to go to this dinner then she needs to suck it up and attend without her son since she's already agreed for him to be elsewhere.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 11/12/2020 15:42

If my ex was going to be somewhere on Christmas Day I wouldn’t be. Simple as that. I only get to spend every second Christmas with my son, and I’m not going to let anyone ruin it. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you and your dh to - politely - decline your sil’s invitation.

MRC20 · 11/12/2020 15:49

Do not go and put yourself in this awful situation. What a way to spend Xmas day, your SIL is a cow. She's no friend of yours, watch that one!

ktp100 · 11/12/2020 15:59

YANBU .....BUT it's her house so she can invite whoever she wants to.

Just don't go.

Teacupsandtoast · 11/12/2020 16:36

Are you allowed to have you, your dh, your child, your sil + kids, inlaws and the ex in one house all at the same time?????

goopsoup · 11/12/2020 17:29

@Teacupsandtoast RTFT, OP has already said the ex coming breaks the rule of only 3 households. OP’s DSS belongs to her husband’s household too.

Teacupsandtoast · 11/12/2020 17:30

[quote goopsoup]@Teacupsandtoast RTFT, OP has already said the ex coming breaks the rule of only 3 households. OP’s DSS belongs to her husband’s household too.[/quote]
Skim read and missed that, sorry OP.

HowayPet · 11/12/2020 18:15

[quote goopsoup]@HowayPet

Wow didn’t you jump to a lot of conclusions?

No where has The ops post indicated any of this.

Perhaps you should have asked op to clarify on anything you weren’t sure of instead of making up your own narrative.

Why are you being snippy to @Mummyoflittledragon ? She hasn't made any assumptions, just given her view as someone with a bigger house who was expected to host. You are the one being nasty picking on her when she is just engaging in a debate. Get over yourself, you're not the thread police.[/quote]
It sounds as if you’ve never done it whereas your sil has been doing it for years

She lack imagination in the same way as you’re not appreciating what she does for you

Quotes above from dragons post;

No she “wrongly assumed” that Doozy has never reciprocated and that sil May be fed up of hosting all the time when op does nothing in return, she also implied that op does not appreciate her sil.

Doozy has confirmed this is not the case.

So it’s not being nasty to point this out.

ddl1 · 11/12/2020 18:38

Your sil doesn’t seem to understand your dh’s mental health issues right now. And tbh you haven’t told her so that’s not her fault.

She is not merely lacking in full awareness or consideration for these issues. She is blaming him, and implying that she wants to limit her one-to-one time with him, because of these issues. Unless there is something in the long-term brother-sister relationship that OP hasn't told us, this comes across to me as a form of discrimination. And it's not as though she would have no one else to talk to if ex didn't come. She will have her parents there, after all. Frankly, it sounds to me as though she has deliberately chosen to invite someone, with whom he would be uncomfortable, in order to prevent him from coming, or even to punish him. It all seems extremely unpleasant to me, and I am glad that the family are staying at home.

Longdistance · 11/12/2020 18:47

‘Sil, thank you for the invite for Christmas, but we’re going to decline as we’re going to spend it at home as a family. Maybe next year —when he’ll freezes over—‘. Should do ok.
You’ve plenty of time to sort food etc.

katy1213 · 11/12/2020 18:54

She sounds like a lovely person who is trying to include everyone for Christmas. Anyway, you don't get to dictate her guest list - so either go and behave in a civilised manner, or stay home.
The ex, to be honest, sounds like livelier company so you might not be missed.
And yes - do you ever offer to host?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2020 19:38

@katy1213

She sounds like a lovely person who is trying to include everyone for Christmas. Anyway, you don't get to dictate her guest list - so either go and behave in a civilised manner, or stay home. The ex, to be honest, sounds like livelier company so you might not be missed. And yes - do you ever offer to host?

Aren’t you a treat. Make you feel better writing such an unpleasant post?

Original poster

Doozy1991 · 11/12/2020 19:50

@katy1213

She sounds like a lovely person who is trying to include everyone for Christmas. Anyway, you don't get to dictate her guest list - so either go and behave in a civilised manner, or stay home. The ex, to be honest, sounds like livelier company so you might not be missed. And yes - do you ever offer to host?

Wow! Clearly I haven't dictated her guestlist and I have hosted. Maybe read the thread before making nasty comments!

OP posts:

Bibidy · 11/12/2020 20:57

@katy1213

She sounds like a lovely person who is trying to include everyone for Christmas. Anyway, you don't get to dictate her guest list - so either go and behave in a civilised manner, or stay home. The ex, to be honest, sounds like livelier company so you might not be missed. And yes - do you ever offer to host?

OMG how ridiculous! She absolutely does not sound like a lovely person at all. She sounds like a hugely thoughtless person who, despite insisting on hosting herself, has no concern for her guests feelings or comfort on the day.

Yes of course technically SIL can include whoever she likes as she's hosting but it is SO not on to invite somebody's ex without at least checking they are OK with it first.

I would also say that at Christmas families usually agree together on who is 'hosting' - it's not actually like SIL is holding a dinner party with her guest list of choice. She has put herself forward to host the usual family Christmas and has now made it completely awkward for her own brother and family to attend by inviting his ex - someone who doesn't usually come and who would never have been expected there when the arrangement was first agreed.

I'm sure if OP, her DH and it sounds like even her in-laws had known that SIL would do this they wouldn't have agreed to having Christmas at hers.

Lachimolala · 12/12/2020 07:53

Eh? Don’t be a bitch.

Lachimolala · 12/12/2020 08:00

I’ve actually had this happen to me @Doozy1991 SIL and DH ex have long since been in cahoots with one another over how to cause the most trouble and upset, think SIL purposefully aiding ex to break non-molestation orders and allowing ex around my children behind my back etc.

SIL did this a few years ago to us and honestly it was the straw that broke the camels back for DH we cut off contact immediately with everyone barring his parents, we now host Christmas in our own house with our own traditions and it’s wonderful.

For you I would decline the invite and have Christmas at home this year, maybe look to having alternate Christmas with the kids next year so the day isn’t split and more relaxed? Invite PIL for some drinks and nibbles in the evening and leave meddling shit stirring SIL and EX to have egg on their faces when they realise their plan to cause trouble and upset hasn’t worked. Immature little twits.

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