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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU SIL & Ex at Christmas

97 replies

Doozy1991 · 11/12/2020 10:24

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off with my SIL.

She invited my family for Christmas day as she has done for the past few years. Really looking forward to it but have just found out she has decided to invite DHs ex. DH suffers terribly with his mental health, has been sectioned already this year & his relationship with ex is not good, she openly admitted to purposely getting pregnant by putting holes in condoms, not taking the pill, and is generally a bit wild.

DH has said he is not going if she is going, SIL has said she wants her there as otherwise she'll be alone christmas day (she wouldn't). SIL said she wouldn't want to be away from her sons for half the day and just because I can be away from my DD1 doesn't mean Ex should. Ex was quite happy to finally split Christmas 50/50, she usually goes abroad for all of December and takes DS so we don't ever see him at Christmas.

So as not to drip feed SIL and EX are friends, but not overly close.
SIL said her reason to invite EX was she thought DH could kick off due to his mental health and she wanted someone else to talk to
DH has had to have a lot of support from PIL due to crisis this year, therefore taking away her baby sitters
I had a baby in April and was looking forward to getting out 😅

So AIBU to feel like she's ruined what would have been a good day??

OP posts:

Original poster

Doozy1991 · 11/12/2020 11:17

She doesn't make any sense. She can invite who she wants but she's not thinking of anyone else.
PIL are really upset about it all, kids are upset they don't get to see each other. It's such a mess.
They've always seemed like ordinary siblings, text a few times a month.
She doesn't know the full reason behind DHs breakdown but it was a combination of lockdown, baby and myself almost dying during labour (he still has screaming nightmares about this) then losing his job and being told our landlord is selling up ASAP. His mental health has never been great anyway but this was just the cherry on top.

OP posts:

Bibidy · 11/12/2020 11:17

I think this is outrageous, and 100% would not go.

SIL said she wouldn't want to be away from her sons for half the day and just because I can be away from my DD1 doesn't mean Ex should.

Who does your SIL think she is making this decision??? This is between your DH and his ex, nothing to do with her.

I don't even know why the ex would agree to attend!

Let them spend the day together I say, you have your nice day at home.

OhCaptain · 11/12/2020 11:18

@PicaK

There's not much consideration from either side on what the son would like.

The son who was already going to be spending time with both parents on Christmas Day?

RedToothBrush · 11/12/2020 11:18

Why on earth would you go? She won't be alone. She will have the Ex for company.

I mean what says, 'I respect the choices my brother makes about relationships and like my new SIL more than asking his ex along for christmas?'

Honestly, batshit crazy. Why the fuck do you get involved in someone else's split family like that without being on a proper trip/shit stirring?

TragedyHands · 11/12/2020 11:19

I'd just decline as too many households.

Googlebrained · 11/12/2020 11:20

If you want to get out for a bit is there any chance you could pop to PiL for an hour or so in the morning, just to have a bit of socialising, or invite friends round for a drink in the evening? A lot of people enjoy breaking up the day with seeing other people at some point.

Failing that, plan a few things for Christmas Day, like going for a park walk in the morning, playing games after lunch etc. Your SiL is being horrible and it sounds a bit like she resents your DH and is playing sibling rivalry games.

Original poster

Doozy1991 · 11/12/2020 11:21

@onlythepianoplayer

Lovely messages..the "horrible shit stirring bitch cow" who has hosted OP and her family (including what sounds like a hard work brother) for YEARS for Xmas, who was going to host them yet again. Yep, worst person alive.

OP, did it ever occur to you to have her over for Xmas?

We have a tiny 2 bed so no space for 12 people & we always contribute towards the cost of dinner.

My DH is not hard work at all. She believes if he really tried he could just "think happy thoughts" and he'd be ok!

OP posts:

Bibidy · 11/12/2020 11:21

@onlythepianoplayer

OP, did it ever occur to you to have her over for Xmas?

Sorry but even if you're hosting, you can't just invite a family member's ex! Surely anyone can appreciate how awkward that would be??

Most would appreciate that whatever arrangements are made need to be agreed between the exes themselves, without random family members sticking their oars in to force them together.

I wouldn't dream of inviting my sister's ex to a dinner (least of all Christmas!) when she and her partner were attending as well.

onlythepianoplayer · 11/12/2020 11:22

Sorry but even if you're hosting, you can't just invite a family member's ex!

Actually, when you are hosting, you can invite anyone you like to your own house.
Maybe she's just sick of hosting everyone.

Bibidy · 11/12/2020 11:23

@onlythepianoplayer

Sorry but even if you're hosting, you can't just invite a family member's ex!

Actually, when you are hosting, you can invite anyone you like to your own house.
Maybe she's just sick of hosting everyone.

How ridiculous, she doesn't need to host everyone if she doesn't want to! But if you DO volunteer to host, you can invite people's exes without their permission.

Either way it sounds like she'll have 3 less people to host now anyway so problem solved.

CakeRequired · 11/12/2020 11:24

Just don't go, ever again. Why associate with people like that?

You'll all be much happier having a quiet Christmas at home. If the ex is alone or with sil, so what? Two nasty people together is better than inflicting them on other people.

onlythepianoplayer · 11/12/2020 11:26

But if you DO volunteer to host, you can invite people's exes without their permission

You can. If it's my house, I do not need any of the guests permission to invite another guest.
I don't agree this was a good idea, but as a matter of principle it's the truth. The host can invite anyone at all.

Leaannb · 11/12/2020 11:26

@onlythepianoplayer

Sorry but even if you're hosting, you can't just invite a family member's ex!

Actually, when you are hosting, you can invite anyone you like to your own house.
Maybe she's just sick of hosting everyone.

Then why offer to host? I agree she can invite whoever she wants but others are free to decline the invitation. Ex can hang out with ex SIL and Pilsen and OP 's family can celebrate by themselves until its time to jand off the stepson

viques · 11/12/2020 11:30

I wouldn’t go.

I would far rather have a first Christmas at home with your new baby. Taking a baby and all their bits and bobs to another house filled with virtual strangers ( from the baby’s point of view) who will all want to fuss over the baby just at an age when they might be getting wary of strangers, upsetting their normal daily routine, probably not having a good place for the baby to nap , having to fit the baby’s feeding napping and changing needs around someone else’s timings, not having all your normal baby diverting and amusing playmates, bouncy chairs etc all sounds like a stressful day to me. You will end up with an increasingly grumpy baby on your lap most of the day, will be on edge , won’t be able to eat your lunch in a relaxed way and will come home bad tempered and grouchy.

Stay home, enjoy the baby’s first christmas, take your time to do the things you want to do, eat and drink when you want to, take lots of pictures, then when the baby has gone to bed you can put your feet up , have a mince pie and relax.

The ex being invited is a good reason not to go, but it isn’t the only reason not to go.

FestiveChristmasLights · 11/12/2020 11:34

I wouldn’t go. Apart from exceeding three households, you won’t enjoy it so what’s the point in being polite and going along.

viques · 11/12/2020 11:36

Play mats not play mates!

HerbErtlinger · 11/12/2020 11:40

YANBU my SIL has become best buddies with DH's ex over the past few years (the ex who cheated on him and had him arrested). She gets invited to family bbqs and on holidays with SIL. She and DH are civil but don't particularly enjoy spending time together so it's usually us who don't go. It angers me that his family prioritise a relationship with her over a relationship with our DS but that's their loss.

I would stay home this Xmas, who needs the drama?

ddl1 · 11/12/2020 11:42

I wouldn't go. Her inviting the ex is bad enough, but the reasons she's using are very unpleasant indeed: it sounds as if she's basically punishing your dh for having a breakdown. It will be a very stressful atmosphere, and your baby is likely to pick up on it.

If you're in England, and PILs are also coming, wouldn't that mean 4 households mixing? You could always use the Covid rules as an excuse for not going (especially with a baby), if you don't want a confrontation.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/12/2020 11:51

Are you not seeing any other family over the break? Is SIL or Ex not seeing anyone else over the break as I assume there will be even more households mixing

Redwinestillfine · 11/12/2020 11:53

Don't go. The ex will be the one that looks like a third wheel to your sil's family Christmas. Let her feel awkward and you have a great day just your nuclear family.

unmarkedbythat · 11/12/2020 11:56

I don't like the sound of your SIL at all and wouldn't spend time with her.

SIL said her reason to invite EX was she thought DH could kick off due to his mental health and she wanted someone else to talk to

See, people reveal themselves, don't they? She can pretend all she likes to be some wonderful generous host opening her home and heart to all at Christmas, but she's a nasty, small minded individual who wants to make a point about her sibling's mental ill health and her control of things. Bin the cow off.

LH1987 · 11/12/2020 11:56

What a mean person she is, have a nice chilled out Christmas at home!

Original poster

Doozy1991 · 11/12/2020 11:56

No I'm not as they are already sorted for Christmas.
Ex would have been home with her mum and brother had she not been invited. The plan was to pick up DHs DS Christmas day and actually spend time together at Christmas for once.
No one would have been breaking any rules but by inviting Ex, SIL has if we were to go.

OP posts:

Calmandmeasured1 · 11/12/2020 11:59

I wouldn't go:

So that DH doesn't have to see exW.
If your DH is likely to kick off because of his MH issues, then I wouldn't go anyway.
Because there would be 3 households mixing and you would have to rely on them not to see anyone else from 23 - 27 December. (As your SIL put pins into condoms etc to trick a man into having a child, she isn't worthy of your trust).

I just wouldn't go. If she ends up being alone, it's her own fault.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 11/12/2020 12:00

New baby is a perfect excuse to start your own Xmas plans. And do not give sil any info on dh's health... That is private - you can assume she would feel obliged to share with his ex....

Sil is a shit stirring bitch imo

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