AIBU SIL & Ex at Christmas

[Doozy1991]

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off with my SIL.

She invited my family for Christmas day as she has done for the past few years. Really looking forward to it but have just found out she has decided to invite DHs ex. DH suffers terribly with his mental health, has been sectioned already this year & his relationship with ex is not good, she openly admitted to purposely getting pregnant by putting holes in condoms, not taking the pill, and is generally a bit wild.

DH has said he is not going if she is going, SIL has said she wants her there as otherwise she'll be alone christmas day (she wouldn't). SIL said she wouldn't want to be away from her sons for half the day and just because I can be away from my DD1 doesn't mean Ex should. Ex was quite happy to finally split Christmas 50/50, she usually goes abroad for all of December and takes DS so we don't ever see him at Christmas.

So as not to drip feed SIL and EX are friends, but not overly close.
SIL said her reason to invite EX was she thought DH could kick off due to his mental health and she wanted someone else to talk to
DH has had to have a lot of support from PIL due to crisis this year, therefore taking away her baby sitters
I had a baby in April and was looking forward to getting out 😅

So AIBU to feel like she's ruined what would have been a good day??

Your defo not being U. Your SIL knows exactly what she is doing. What a horrible bitch.

I wouldn't go and wouldn't lose sleep over it frankly.

Your SIL is very weird.

Do xmas at your own house. If it is too much hassle to cook just buy it all and shove in the oven. Why put your fh into an uncomfortable situation just for the sake of some food. Pil's will know where you are and if you have a good relationship could pop in any time over the festive period.

Yabu to tell sil who to invite, it is her home and presumably she is going to some effort to host. It is weird that she feels the ex needs to be there, why can she not talk to her parents or you?

@Doozy1991 what happens with your husband’s son now? Will he have dinner with you at your home?

*dh not fh

YANBU

[quote OhCaptain]@Doozy1991 what happens with your husband’s son now? Will he have dinner with you at your home?[/quote]
I'm really hoping that he is still with us but I can't see EX wanting to be at SILs with the other kids without her DS.
I've already sorted things so my DD1 is with us for Christmas Dinner as we split the day too, I just wanted us to all be together.
I'm so ready to tap out of it all 😔

SIL said her reason to invite EX was she thought DH could kick off due to his mental health and she wanted someone else to talk to

This is such bullshit, there would be 11 other people for her to talk to, she doesn't need his ex.

This seems a calculated move from your SIL, to what end I don't know.

I think you're right to have Christmas at home.

Having been in the position of the ones, who have the big house, entertaining is a lot more than just contributing financially. It sounds as if you’ve never done it whereas your sil has been doing it for years.

This year I get you cannot entertain as you’ve had a baby plus the pandemic. But I find not entertaining people a lousy excuse. People like reciprocation so taking others to a restaurant, providing a complete picnic in the park for everyone would be a good start. Or even squeezing everyone in everywhere in your house and having finger food one sunny summer’s day.

Your sil doesn’t seem to understand your dh’s mental health issues right now. And tbh you haven’t told her so that’s not her fault. She lack imagination in the same way as you’re not appreciating what she does for you. From her perspective, there sounds to be no reciprocation. But in what must have been a difficult year, he took her childcare away, “flipped out” and could do so again.

Never mind the Christmas arrangements, why is your sil friends with someone that deceived her brother into a pregnancy? I couldn’t forgive someone that did that to a member of my family.

No, I definitely would not like to spend Christmas with either my ex or DH’s . Definitely don’t go, stay at home.

Just don’t get involved. She obviously wants to stir up drama, for whatever reason.

Have Christmas Day at home, where you can look after yourself and DH properly.

I'm really hoping that he is still with us but I can't see EX wanting to be at SILs with the other kids without her DS.

Why does she get to decide that though? If your DH’s access is around dinner time then ds can have dinner with you guys and be dropped off to his mum after, no?

Either way, you’re not creating this problem. Your horrible SIL and his inappropriate ex are!

When you decline, get DH to explain to ex that you’re staying home this year and would like to stick to ds’s contact arrangement?

If she starts to kick off and it’s beyond what your DH can handle then I’d probably give in tbh, in light of what he’s been through, and have ds another day.

Actually, when you are hosting, you can invite anyone you like to your own house.
Maybe she's just sick of hosting everyone.
You can, of course. You could also have the meal outside in late December, invite a bagpipe troupe and book a visit from several elephants and a truck full of snakes. It’s not exactly good host material trying to piss off your guests.

The best Christmas is being at home with your own family, less stress, kids can play with their new toys in their own home, you can cook what you like and have it when you like, no arguments and pretty much stress free and anybody wanting to visit know where you live, win win all round

Your SIL is looking for some drama and perhaps has ulterior motives or knows something you don't. Have Christmas day at home and visit family another day. Perhaps you and DH could start a new Christmas tradition with your LO?

I really feel for you op. This is the kind of shit dhs family pull. They try to dress it up as being kind and thoughtful but reality it’s just out and out shit stirring to cause as much upset as possible. That’s exactly what sil is doing.

You’re doing the right thing by staying home. Time to start making your own traditions I think. Id invite Pil over in the evening for an hour so at least you still get to see them.

I hope you have a lovely calm Christmas.

How dare she! Bitch shit stirrer SIL is outrageous. Far too much stress and pressure on DH's MH., it would be a nightmare for everyone. Including her star guest, the EX.

Just say no to SIL and NC her. No need to engage or explain.
The contact PILS and tell them why you're staying home. Maybe they'd like to come over to see you two and DGC a few days after?

I wish you and DH a peaceful happy Christmas at home with your lovely baby.

Definitely don't go. You will have a much happier Christmas doing your own thing. You do not have to apease any of these people.

Having been in the position of the ones, who have the big house, entertaining is a lot more than just contributing financially. It sounds as if you’ve never done it whereas your sil has been doing it for years.

This is true Mummy. We live far from in laws and DH always offers to host but SIL usually ends up hosting as it's closer for all the others. There seems to be expectation that SIL will host each year. Ppl do contribute a lot, drinks, starters, dessert etc, but I do tell DH it's still a lot of work for SIL. DH hosted last year and I did most of the washing up, it took so long as he goes all out.

This year I get you cannot entertain as you’ve had a baby plus the pandemic. But I find not entertaining people a lousy excuse. People like reciprocation so taking others to a restaurant, providing a complete picnic in the park for everyone would be a good start. Or even squeezing everyone in everywhere in your house and having finger food one sunny summer’s day.

Agree, reciprocation is key.

When you decline, get DH to explain to ex that you’re staying home this year and would like to stick to ds’s contact arrangement?

Not like, will be sticking to the contact arrangement.

Don't go! Just plan a fantastic Xmas with just you - fab foods, and as many treats as you can manage!

I just want to state I have hosted more than just Christmas and on more than one occasion. This will be her 3rd year hosting.
No one is forcing SIL to host, it will also be BIL doing all the cooking as she can't cook (her words). MIL wanted to host this year but SIL wouldn't budge.
I go all out for her children all year round, I take them on days out, I buy them random gifts, they stay over (pre-covid!) I've always got on well with SIL until I fell pregnant, things got a bit iffy between us but that's not an excuse to do what she is doing to my DH.
PIL don't want EX there either but to avoid an argument will still go to SILs christmas day.
And I'm not offering to host as you couldn't fit 12 people in my house and I'm quite happy staying home.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Having been in the position of the ones, who have the big house, entertaining is a lot more than just contributing financially. It sounds as if you’ve never done it whereas your sil has been doing it for years.

This year I get you cannot entertain as you’ve had a baby plus the pandemic. But I find not entertaining people a lousy excuse. People like reciprocation so taking others to a restaurant, providing a complete picnic in the park for everyone would be a good start. Or even squeezing everyone in everywhere in your house and having finger food one sunny summer’s day.

Your sil doesn’t seem to understand your dh’s mental health issues right now. And tbh you haven’t told her so that’s not her fault. She lack imagination in the same way as you’re not appreciating what she does for you. From her perspective, there sounds to be no reciprocation. But in what must have been a difficult year, he took her childcare away, “flipped out” and could do so again.

Wow didn’t you jump to a lot of conclusions?

No where has The ops post indicated any of this.

Perhaps you should have asked op to clarify on anything you weren’t sure of instead of making up your own narrative.

I think this may be a lovely opportunity to make some memories with your DSS if you don't normally see him over Christmas. Dinner, games, walk out somewhere? Just the 4/5 of you as a unit.