Christmas present from partner

[Christmasjingle24]

I asked my partner for a rough budget this Christmas first Christmas together. He said we don’t need a budget I made a few suggestions of things I wanted or needed and so did he. I’ve brought quite a lot for him and today brought a few more bits. We where talking about Christmas and he said that I’ve definitely gone and got more than he has from the clues he’s given me he’s got me some jewellery something I’ve never asked for or hardly wear. the pieces I do have are all from my grandparents I don’t want to sound ungrateful but I know I probably won’t wear it. Also all my jewellery matches I’m not sure what do to do. I also hate surprises due to an ex and have made it clear how much I hate them I’m also terrible at hiding how I feel but I don’t want to offend him

If it is a fairly new relationship I would just accept it and say thank you. Maybe agree not to do gifts next year.

If you’ve already been explicit about hating surprises, just revisit that conversation and make sure he knows that you mean it.

We’ve been together 11 months

I don’t think it’s fair though to bring your hate of surprises that comes from a previous relationship, into a new one.

I had an ex that expected me to be of so grateful when he was buying things for me that he wanted. Example - a camera identical to his mum’s when we’d stood in the shop together, I’d pointed at two I liked and said, “but definitely not the flip screen type like your mum’s”. So I’d end up feeling like a spoilt princess because I didn’t like a £200 camera.

But I just explained that to my next boyfriend. I think you either explain, or if it’s more to work through, then you do the work on that - therapy, whatever. It’s not fair to just say, “you can’t surprise me even if you enjoy that, end of.”

He knows he really knows I cried to him about it once when I got all upset over something and the past all came back. He’s even sent me the order number but I can’t work out where it’s from and google didn’t help

You’ve known him 11 months. You have sex with him! Why can’t you just say, “hey - you know that surprise thing I told you about? I’m really struggling about it today,”

I'm baffled. There's no need to cry over a gift. He can keep the receipt and exchange it if you don't like it, surely? It's not like a lock is going to put on your wrist that you can never take off?

Why don’t you wait and see if you don’t like it rather than deciding you don’t?

If you open it and don’t like it just say I’m sorry it’s lovely but not my taste why don’t we exchange for something else?

@CoalTitCafe

I'm baffled. There's no need to cry over a gift. He can keep the receipt and exchange it if you don't like it, surely? It's not like a lock is going to put on your wrist that you can never take off?

My own experience was that I’d have to profusely thank my husband for the exact gift I had said I didn’t want, and then be on the receiving end of a sulk for not liking it enough 🙄 So yes, it can be something that makes you cry.

But! That’s in the past for OP, whatever her reason was. So - trust him, and TELL HIM!

Don’t stress about it. It’s a new relationship, they’re only presents. Don’t go over board and give him too much, and don’t give it too much importantance.

Of course you can end a relationship for any reason you want. If you feel like he doesn’t care for you once all this has passed in the New Year of course you can re evaluate. What you can’t do is change someone though.

My own experience was that I’d have to profusely thank my husband for the exact gift I had said I didn’t want, and then be on the receiving end of a sulk for not liking it enough 🙄 So yes, it can be something that makes you cry.

^^
I think this is a bit different. It’s a husband not a boyfriend of 11 months. Plus he was obviously being deliberately unkind and emotionally abusive.

You certainly know how to wring all the life and fun out of giving.
I hope he gives you a hair shirt and its the wrong size and the wrong colour.

@AndcalloffChristmas

My own experience was that I’d have to profusely thank my husband for the exact gift I had said I didn’t want, and then be on the receiving end of a sulk for not liking it enough 🙄 So yes, it can be something that makes you cry.

^^
I think this is a bit different. It’s a husband not a boyfriend of 11 months. Plus he was obviously being deliberately unkind and emotionally abusive.

@AndcalloffChristmas yes it’s definitely different to OP’s current situation. I was sharing my experience to help the poster asking how you could end up crying over a present. I’m comparing my experience to the OP’s previous relationship, which has left her with the hangover of disliking surprises so intensity that it’s stressing her out so much now. Not that I’m saying my experience was hers - just giving my example of how present receiving can be shit!

I also have really bad anxiety around surprises and gifts my ex would buy me things that where really expensive as a way to justify his actions then scream and shout and get abusive and use the present against me

@Christmasjingle24

I also have really bad anxiety around surprises and gifts my ex would buy me things that where really expensive as a way to justify his actions then scream and shout and get abusive and use the present against me

I get it. So tell him. But accept that your new(ish) boyfriend is not your ex. So whilst it’s a fair ask of him to hold off on his desire to choose presents himself whilst you work on these issue - it’s only an equally fair ask of you to expect you to work on moving on from it. Don’t let your shithead ex ruin your future experiences

Should've insisted on a budget

@CorianderQueen

Should've insisted on a budget

With whom? The abusive ex - who would presumably have ignored it, or the current boyfriend - where budget doesn’t control whether an item is a surprise or not.

@Cocomarine ah thanks I misunderstood

Why are you already saying you hate an item that you have not even seen yet? Maybe you will love it. Your jewellery doesn’t need to all match, you presumably don’t wear it all at once.

DH and I have been together 16 years, we always come up with gifts for each other, it is part of the fun. We might as well just buy our own gifts otherwise. I would have an open mind about his gift buying and maybe next year target to no gifts.

Its not your current boyfriends fault for the stuff that happened in your past relationship. Communication is a key thing, especially if you intend on lasting.

Don't like something, talk about it.

I just don’t like jewellery I never really have and my ex ruined it for me he once got me the same bracelet a second year in a row as he thought I liked the previous one 1,00 wasted and then would bring up how much he loved me buy buying me a bracelet every time he was abusive

@Christmasjingle24

I also have really bad anxiety around surprises and gifts my ex would buy me things that where really expensive as a way to justify his actions then scream and shout and get abusive and use the present against me

I know it’s hard when you’ve got away from an abusive, controlling relationship. Been there, got the t-shirt and the mental scars last for a very long time. Equally, it will be hard for your current partner to see that he is not being judged for your ex’s shitty behaviour, so I think you need to explain how frightening surprises are for you, it’s more serious than just not liking surprises. It’s like waiting fir a blow that you know is coming. You can get through this with goodwill on both sides.

Thanks I’m hoping to get over it just hard when I was hoping for dressing gown and slippers 😂

Is it better to maybe not do presents then? It seems that it's causing you more distress, and short of telling him exactly what you want rather than him buying something he has put thought into, is it worth it?

Ah op maybe you should just speak to your BF explain how worries you feel and why. Maybe he can just show you the gift now and then take it away to wrap up so you have already seen it when you unwrap it.

Then maybe for next year you both need to think of a plan that is workable for you both.