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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas present from partner

83 replies

Christmasjingle24 · 09/12/2020 15:07

I asked my partner for a rough budget this Christmas first Christmas together. He said we don’t need a budget I made a few suggestions of things I wanted or needed and so did he. I’ve brought quite a lot for him and today brought a few more bits. We where talking about Christmas and he said that I’ve definitely gone and got more than he has from the clues he’s given me he’s got me some jewellery something I’ve never asked for or hardly wear. the pieces I do have are all from my grandparents I don’t want to sound ungrateful but I know I probably won’t wear it. Also all my jewellery matches I’m not sure what do to do. I also hate surprises due to an ex and have made it clear how much I hate them I’m also terrible at hiding how I feel but I don’t want to offend him

OP posts:
caperplips · 09/12/2020 16:11

I think you need to stop bringing your ex into this new relationship. If you like this new boyfriend and you get along well how do you already know that you won't like what he has chosen for you?

Did you explicitly say to him 'I hate all jewellery and will not wear anything other than this jewellery which was my grandparents' and all jewellery makes me anxious due to my abusive ex'

Because if you explained it to him as clearly as that and he STILL bought you jewellery then your problem is not a bracelet or a necklace...

But if you hinted / skirted around it, you can't really expect him to read your mind.

Also if you are really into this guy do you not think there's a chance you might actually like (love) something he has chosen for you?

Diva66 · 09/12/2020 16:13

@Christmasjingle24

Thanks I’m hoping to get over it just hard when I was hoping for dressing gown and slippers 😂
Oh well, he’s got plenty of time to change it then! Hope you have a great Christmas and no stressing Flowers
BarbaraofSeville · 09/12/2020 16:14

This is why token presents are the way to go. Just spend £20 or whatever on some nice bits and pieces, booze, chocs etc and everyone's happy. and a lot less stress and potential for upset.

Then you don't have to worry about wasting money or having to pretend you like something you hate because it was expensive. And then if you want expensive things, you just buy them yourself and get exactly what you want when you want it without having to dress it up as a gift.

You say you've got quite a lot of presents for him, but what if he doesn't like them? He probably won't say for fear of upsetting you, so then you'll think he does like them and probably buy more of the similar thing in the future and waste money on lots of things he doesn't like.

Original poster
Christmasjingle24 · 09/12/2020 16:14

I’ve spoken to him have agreed to do presents between us in bed and not in front of family

OP posts:
skippy67 · 09/12/2020 16:14

@2bazookas

You certainly know how to wring all the life and fun out of giving. I hope he gives you a hair shirt and its the wrong size and the wrong colour.
🤣🤣
GreenlandTheMovie · 09/12/2020 16:16

What is it with these people who obsess over Christmas presents and birthdays as adults and want to stipulate what other people should buy them?

AIMD · 09/12/2020 16:19

@Christmasjingle24

I’ve spoken to him have agreed to do presents between us in bed and not in front of family
Well done op. Sounds like a nice compromise
katy1213 · 09/12/2020 16:24

Worst case scenario - you get a present you wouldn't have chosen for yourself. You'll get over it.
And stop investing so much in Christmas. You have bought more than enough for a new-ish boyfriend. One nice present and maybe a few bits would have been plenty - and then you wouldn't be so crushingly disappointed when he doesn't come up with the perfect gift in return.

katy1213 · 09/12/2020 16:26

And now go and buy yourself a dressing gown and slippers!

Benjispruce2 · 09/12/2020 16:26

Don’t be so spoilt. It’s a gift not an order fulfilment.

waltzingparrot · 09/12/2020 16:33

Honestly in this situation, why don't you just buy exactly what you want, tell him how much it was and he can transfer the money into your account.

museumum · 09/12/2020 16:33

@Christmasjingle24

I’ve spoken to him have agreed to do presents between us in bed and not in front of family
This is a good idea.

I understand where you're coming from but I feel sorry for your boyfriend if he can't buy you a gift at any point without you fearing or assuming he's going to then behave like your shitty ex.
Give the new guy a chance (unless he is shitty too in which case get rid).

zoemum2006 · 09/12/2020 16:35

I don’t like big gifts, they are a stressor for me. DH and I don’t exchange gifts anymore but we used to have a £10 limit (I love little tokens... expensive gifts make me anxious).

Kokosrieksts · 09/12/2020 16:37

In your situation I don’t understand the need of presents when you tell exactly what you want. Might as well order for yourself.

BarbaraofSeville · 09/12/2020 16:43

Honestly in this situation, why don't you just buy exactly what you want, tell him how much it was and he can transfer the money into your account

But that's not really a gift is it? That's making him think he's done something nice for the OP when in reality there's no thought or effort gone into the process.

And if the OP has bought him a present, she's done the thinking and the choosing and had the financial outlay, whereas all he's had to do is send her some money towards some of the things she's chosen and bought herself but have been designated as gifts from him to her.

wildraisins · 09/12/2020 16:48

I feel like if you've made it clear to him how much you hate surprises and he gets you a surprise then he's seriously missing something here. Is he even listening to you? Can you talk to him about this and ask him why he would do that?

Original poster
Christmasjingle24 · 09/12/2020 16:48

He can buy me loads of gifts just not jewellery I don’t have my ears pierced anyway I’ve made it clear I don’t like jewellery being brought for me so if he does buy it for me it also makes me feel he hasn’t listened

OP posts:
lockdownalli · 09/12/2020 16:54

You certainly know how to wring all the life and fun out of giving.

Agree with this. You sound like dreadfully hard work OP. Even small children know to say "Thanks, I love it!" regardless of what they get.

Ohdoleavemealone · 09/12/2020 16:56

You need to suggest no presents in future.

We stopped doing presents because DH never ever uses whatever I buy, even if he asked for it.
The other day as I picked up my shoes I noticed a small box of perfume on the floor next to it. He was quite disapointed when I mentioned it. Said I had ruined the surprise! I pointed out that surprises shouldn't be left in the hallway by my shoes!! I refuse to feel guilty about it! IF they don't use their brains, they cannot blame you for the outcome.

Simplyunacceptable · 09/12/2020 17:00

My DH bought me a necklace for my birthday the first year we met. He bought it because he figured most women liked jewellery, we didn’t really know much about each other at that stage. I never wear jewellery, even forget to wear my wedding ring most of the time. I still feigned a smile and thanked him. I have it in a box somewhere, only wore it that day to make him happy Grin.

It’s a new relationship so I’d just graciously accept and thank him. He’ll learn more about you as the relationship progresses.

Bridecilla · 09/12/2020 17:00

Me and dp decided about a year in that we're not present givers.

We pay for a night away for each others birthday and we have a night at Xmas too. His mates were panicking for him the 1st Christmas we did it - they thought it was a test!

Barmyfarmy · 09/12/2020 17:03

OP I didn't think I'd be saying this but you just sound ungrateful and like you want to get your own way. We've all had horrible past experiences that are often brought up but you can't be so horrible to your current bf just because someone used to use jewellery against you. If you're able to wear other jewellery you're able to wear this, even if it's just once or twice to show you appreciate it. Stop whingeing about not getting your slippers and dressing gown- buy them yourself!

1Morewineplease · 09/12/2020 17:06

I don't have any advice other than to suggest if it causes you so much anxiety then don't exchange presents or buy your own and ask him for the money.

Such a sad thread.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/12/2020 17:23

It's tricky, because the time to tell him you didn't want a Christmas gift was weeks ago. Time for a grown up conversation and to apologise, and ask him to return it.

BarbaraofSeville · 09/12/2020 17:26

I didn't realise there were men out there who did any Christmas shopping before about 23rd December.

Are you sure he's actually bought the jewellery OP?