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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send DD to a school she doesn’t want

71 replies

rheafern · 09/12/2020 07:56

DD has been quite unhappy with her current school. Main reasons are quality of teaching, endless dramas in her friendship group and harassment from boys. It’s not like she could no longer cope but we all felt like she could do with a better experience. DS goes to an amazing school (private, single sex) and we also felt she deserved a similar experience at least in her last two years of school. She’s very driven, but has some social insecurities (nothing that atypical). We weren’t keen on the single sex aspect but that’s the case in the closest school to us. She was offered a place at a single-sex Sixth Form but is now adamantly against accepting the offer. She visited the school, was really impressed with the level of support they receive and with the sports on offer. She also found the girl showing them the school very friendly. This girl told her that they get on well with the boys at a school nearby. But we saw some of the girls who will be in her year and she thinks that they fit a stereotype she knows well, that she won’t get along with them etc. We think she’s feeling extremely insecure. I said she was being prejudiced, that about 8 girls don’t represent the whole year, that she can’t discount people mainly based on their hair colouring choices and jeans... DH thinks we should decide for her and I tend to prefer to let her decide. I also broke her trust by initially telling her that she would decide (90%) and then saying we would as her arguments against it weren’t reasonable. Any similar experiences here, positive or negative? Should we make her go to this school against her feelings?

OP posts:

Mumofsend · 09/12/2020 08:00

Shed 16 I think its her choice. I know my parents certainly didn't tell me where to attend 6th form.

GreenClock · 09/12/2020 08:00

I think that at sixth form level, it’s up to her.

FelicityPike · 09/12/2020 08:03

No you should not decide for her. You should help her make her own choice.
We don’t have sixth form colleges up here in Scotland, but I think she’s old enough to choose.

TotoroPotoro · 09/12/2020 08:03

At that age, she decides. I made the wrong choice for the wrong reasons at 6th form. I learnt a lot from it (and still went on to RG uni and did very well)

triceratops12 · 09/12/2020 08:06

It's completely up to her, not you

MichelleScarn · 09/12/2020 08:23

DS goes to an amazing school (private, single sex) and we also felt she deserved a similar experience at least in her last two years of school
I may be reading too much into this but why only in her last 2 years to get the same opportunity as ds already gets? Was her previous school state or independent?

bluebluezoo · 09/12/2020 08:30

*DS goes to an amazing school (private, single sex) and we also felt she deserved a similar experience at least in her last two years of school

I may be reading too much into this but why only in her last 2 years to get the same opportunity as ds already gets? Was her previous school state or independent?*

This. Also why is single sex amazing for your son but you’re not keen on it for your DD?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/12/2020 08:38

I don’t understand why you have only offered to send your dd privately for 6th form. It seems as though you’ve missed the boat on influencing her choices. At her age, it is her choice. I’d try to steer her toward college or a place in a large town / city, where others aren’t going.

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/12/2020 08:41

At her age I’d let her choose, she has to be there every day and deal with the people and the environment.

Original poster

rheafern · 09/12/2020 08:46

@MichelleScarn, @bluebluezoo, she attends a Grammar. DS unfortunately (fortunately?) didn’t get in, so we sent him to a private selective school. It took us a couple of years to realise the big difference in terms of the opportunities they were receiving. He is younger. Sixth Form also felt like the beginning of a new cycle and the right time for a change. Knowing what we know now, we would have sent her to the same school that is now offering her a place. We didn’t like the idea of a single-sex school, but have different views now. We think her decision is based on her social anxieties and feel it wouldn’t be good for her to let those insecurities drive her choice.

OP posts:

greenlynx · 09/12/2020 08:47

I’m not sure about deciding for her. She’s already insecure and lacks of confidence it will make the situation worse. Could you sit with her and do a list of her concerns and then do another visit to the 6th form ?

With her current school I would separate issues with quality of teaching and friendships. She might have feel different in the 6th form about friendships: they might have new students, not all of her current friends will go to the 6th form.
I also wonder if tutoring is a better option for her to give her more personalized top up.

TeenPlusTwenties · 09/12/2020 08:50

FInd a third school?

Original poster

rheafern · 09/12/2020 08:51

@bluebluezoo, we think the single-sex aspect isn’t the decisive factor for her. It’s more the social anxiety, fear of not making good friends... but we will talk again later today. We only have two days to decide.

OP posts:

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 09/12/2020 08:52

At 16 you can't decide for her. At least not if you would like her to finish school.
She is nearly an adult.

cansu · 09/12/2020 08:57

You need to sit her down and ask her to make a decision. If she decides to stay where she is, she needs to get on with it and make the best of it. If she was genuinely unhappy with her current school, she would move. It sounds very much like she doesn't actually want to move. At her age it is ultimately her decision. You can tell her that you think the move would be in her best interests but you can't force it.

sirfredfredgeorge · 09/12/2020 08:57

We think her decision is based on her social anxieties and feel it wouldn’t be good for her to let those insecurities drive her choice

Perhaps being told it's worth spending 10s of thousands of pounds on your sons education, but nothing on hers has, despite the fact your son is less able has driven some social anxiety?

Her choice where she goes at 16, certainly not yours.

Original poster

rheafern · 09/12/2020 08:58

@Mummyoflittledragon, we are in London, so already in a big city.

OP posts:

BuffaloCauliflower · 09/12/2020 09:02

In London there will be other schools, or maybe even some excellent standalone colleges where everyone will be new that year. I had some challenges at school and going to a college with all new people really helped me reset. It also felt more independent than a school sixth form. Are there colleges near you?

JohnWaynesHorse · 09/12/2020 09:04

I made a life changing very wrong decision about my education when I was 16 which I bitterly regret now because my parents were too nice as they are now. At 16 you think you know it all but, as you can see with your daughter's decision based on hair, you make ridiculous decisions on the here and now, rather than looking to ultimate goals.
Go for whichever gives her the best educational opportunities- she'll thank you one day.

Chamomileteaplease · 09/12/2020 09:04

It is a shame that your daughter only saw that group of eight girls.

You always get different cliques in school or 6th form don't you and there is usually one for each "type" of pupil I think!

If she saw the "cool" girls and doesn't think she is one of them or saw the sporty ones and thinks she isn't one of them that it doesn't really make sense because there will be 50 others to make friends with!

Does she see that??

Aprilx · 09/12/2020 09:04

I am shocked that you have paid for a private education for your son but not your daughter, what message do you think that has sent. I am not surprised she has insecurities. Anyway to your question, at 16 she gets to choose.

bluebluezoo · 09/12/2020 09:06

we are in London, so already in a big city

If you’re in London, surely the choices for school are much wider than current or a single private school?

Why does the private have to be the closest school? It’s fairly normal in London for school age children to take public transport for an hour to a preferred school,

Where in London are you?

If she’s not happy with the two choices she has, I’d suggest widening her opportunities until she does find a good fit.

myhobbyisouting · 09/12/2020 09:07

Shocked @Aprilx despite the OP explaining how this came to be? They tried to send the DS to the same school following his sister and he didn't pass the tests....

She's 16 but you should try and persuade her if you really feel this would be a good move for her

Original poster

rheafern · 09/12/2020 09:08

@sirfredfredgeorge, do you really think a single school exam decides if a child is definitely more or less able? We don't. But, yes, there were times when she felt short-changed and the contrast could have contributed to way she feels about who she is, the way her identity evolved, a bit like a defensive mechanism.

OP posts:

BuffaloCauliflower · 09/12/2020 09:09

@Aprilx it’s pretty common for one child to go to grammar if they get in but siblings that don’t go private. They’d usually be regarded fairly equally. It’s not one child in private and another in rough bottom of the pile secondary.

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