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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep DS home.

67 replies

NoIDontLikeYou · 09/12/2020 06:02

Hi...

OH & I broke up over a year ago now, DS (7) has taken it very badly, this week has not been a good week for him.

He keeps on saying horrible things

“I don’t like you, I don’t want to live here with you”

“I hate you”

“I don’t want to see you again”

“Leave me alone”

“No, I want Daddy to do it for me”

And a lot of other nasty things, that have reduced me to tears.

Yesterday he kicked me ☹️😞

He has become withdrawn in school, no longer wants to join in activities and separates himself from friends.

I was called in to collect him early, he became hysterical during a lesson and wouldn’t tell anyone what was wrong.

When I got him home he became so angry and started pulling everything out of the freezer (I’ve never ever seen him like that before)

I managed to calm him down and he fell asleep in my arms, when he woke up he apologised, I asked him why he did it, he said he doesn’t know.

More tears and saying horrible things before bed, I woke up this morning to find him cuddled up to me in my bed.

And just to mention, I received a text for EX yesterday saying that he will not be seeing him DS on the weekend, because he is “going somewhere”

I don’t know how I’m going to tell him!

He will probably send DS a big box of expensive gifts from amazon, to make up for it (which he usually does) but meanwhile it’s me that’s going to have to break the news to him, and deal with the crying and him being miserable.

I hate him for what he has put the boys through!

After being called into the school yesterday, I was thinking keeping him off school today would be the right thing to do, I just don’t want to him today, then I get a phone call saying that he is in hysterics again.

AIBU? or should I send him?

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
Obbydoo · 09/12/2020 06:09

This must be really difficult for you and I don't have any wider advice but I think keeping him off would be teaching him that if kicks off, he gets to stay at home.

ChessIsASport · 09/12/2020 06:10

I would keep him off too. He needs love and cuddles. Poor little thing. This year has been so tough and dealing with his parents separating too must be very hard.

It might be worth contacting your doctors to ask if he can get any counselling to help him deal with everything he is feeling.

ButterMeUpScotty · 09/12/2020 06:11

Sounds like the poor wee man is very anxious and confused. I would keep him off, and if you can say on the sofa and try to talk to him. Have the school offered any support? Sounds like he could do with some counselling. I would keep reinforcing how much you love him, that the behaviour was bad but he is good, and that you will always love him. Is his dad flaky about contact? Flowers for you, I’m sure it must be difficult.

BefuddledPerson · 09/12/2020 06:12

Flowers for you. Sounds very upsetting.

Firstly - the comments - they are upsetting because your son is so sad/angry but don't take them personally. They are absolutely not meaningful other than expressing his feelings.

Secondly, remember many children from homes with together parents have huge episodes like this at times, he's only seven.

But clearly there is real upset around his dad. All you can do is be honest and supportive about the fact his dad isn't coming. Don't tell him until the day, to save the upset lasting longer perhaps. Don't disrespect his dad but also don't make up a story to cover it up.

I would send him to school as you want to put the outburst behind you. If you keep him off you are making it the centre of attention. Hopefully today will be a better day.

Try to get some support/advice from a charity like family lives perhaps.

Digestive28 · 09/12/2020 06:13

Just want to normalise some of the behaviour although he is obviously struggling some of it is very similar to my 7 year old and others according to playground chat. The “I hate you” etc I heard for first time two weeks ago and it really shook me. I hope that helps to know some of it may be developmental, not all clearly

BefuddledPerson · 09/12/2020 06:17

Yes I agree with @Digestive28, this is not that unusual for the age group. The feelings are so big they can not rationalise.

Original poster
NoIDontLikeYou · 09/12/2020 06:24

Firstly

Thanks for the kind comments (I didn’t think I would get so many quick responses)

@Obbydoo - DS enjoys school (well he used to) and no doubt will he be awake soon, and want to get ready to go, I’ll see how he feels this morning.

@ChessIsASport - I was thinking about counselling/therapy, but going through the NHS wouldn’t be an option (waiting times are soooo long) so I would have to look into it myself, I don’t even know where to start.

@ButterMeUpScotty - The school haven’t offered any support, but they do offer (“Lego therapy”) to be honest with you I don’t actually want them to know everything that’s going on at home. It is NOT the first time Dad has let him down, and the worst thing is DS gets so excited and really looks forward to seeing him (every fortnight) and now I don’t know when he will next see him again, but I do know DS is going to be miserable until then. I wish my EX would stop doing this, expensive gifts will never make up for his absence.

@Digestive28 - Thanks Flowers

OP posts:
superstar84 · 09/12/2020 06:27

I would keep him off today, go for a walk together and get a hot chocolate or something

Thatwentbadly · 09/12/2020 06:29

Keep him home. Go to the park, come home for hot chocolate and cuddles on the sofa.

School need to know what’s happening. It’s no judgment on you that your ex is being a dick. Tbh I would silently judge a parent who would put what the school thinks of them before getting help for their child.

I would make your ex tell your son that he won’t be seeing him at the weekend. It stops you being the bad guy and it might make your ex think twice about it in future. If he can’t/won’t speak to him in person he can leave a voice mail for your son on your phone.

BefuddledPerson · 09/12/2020 06:30

@NoIDontLikeYou

Might be better to just tell your son you don't know when he will see his dad next because his dad 'doesn't have a regular schedule' or something fairly factual. Don't say his dad won't or can't, as won't is critical and can't is an excuse.

Sadly if his dad lets him down, he will get upset.

ButterMeUpScotty · 09/12/2020 06:33

It’s likely he is behaving like this because of his dads behaviour then. What is his dad like, would he respond positively if you told him the negative impact this is having on him. I would definitely tell the school, and in the mean time love bomb him so he feels safe and secure with you.

Just2MoreSeasons · 09/12/2020 06:38

Just a thought, but if you want to keep him off to give him some one on one time, tell him he had a fever in the night - that way he doesn't think it's as a result if his behaviour.

My 5 year old ds said lots of those things to me in lockdown. It was all pure frustration and I really worried about him. The day he went back to school he completely changed back to his old self. My point being this may be a temporary reaction.
Look after yourself too.

Just2MoreSeasons · 09/12/2020 06:40

Oh yes, ex teacher here, please do tell the school so they can give him more support.

LutinDeSapin · 09/12/2020 06:42

I'd keep him off. Overwrought, close to the end of term, probably exhausted physically and emotionally. Maybe coming down with something?

I managed to calm him down and he fell asleep in my arms, when he woke up he apologised, I asked him why he did it, he said he doesn’t know.

Does he often fall asleep after school?

I'd call him in sick because of a disturbed night.

I'd also tell him today because if he finds out you knew today and kept it quiet til the weekend it will dent his confidence in you.

Original poster
NoIDontLikeYou · 09/12/2020 06:43

@superstar84 - Yes great idea, DS loves going for walks.

@Thatwentbadly - I will call the school this morning and tell them why I am keeping him off school, EX will not tell him that he won’t be seeing him this weekend (he always leaves that part to me)

@ButterMeUpScotty - Dad is very laid back and quiet, bearing in mind my eldest son is 14 and EX has never gotten angry around me or even raise his voice... probably don’t want to hear this (but he was a serial cheat)

OP posts:
Original poster
NoIDontLikeYou · 09/12/2020 06:46

@LutinDeSapin

I'd keep him off. Overwrought, close to the end of term, probably exhausted physically and emotionally. Maybe coming down with something?

I managed to calm him down and he fell asleep in my arms, when he woke up he apologised, I asked him why he did it, he said he doesn’t know.

Does he often fall asleep after school?

I'd call him in sick because of a disturbed night.

I'd also tell him today because if he finds out you knew today and kept it quiet til the weekend it will dent his confidence in you.

Yes he always has a nap in after school, usually falls asleep in the car. Then will sleep until 5.30-6.00pm, I’ve been trying to get him out of this, but I can’t... he gets upset (cries) if I try and wake him up, or try and prevent him for napping. Sometimes he doesn’t go to sleep until 11 which is very late, I know.
OP posts:
SuperCaliFragalistic · 09/12/2020 06:49

YANBU if you want to keep him off today although personally I would send him in. But you know your child, if you think that's the best thing then definitely do it.

AlwaysLatte · 09/12/2020 06:50

I would keep him off. Lots of cuddles and maybe some activities like baking that might relax him enough to actually say something without you pressing him for it.

FippertyGibbett · 09/12/2020 06:51

I absolutely would not keep him off. It will teach him that if he misbehaves (no matter what has caused the behaviour) he will get to stay off school. You could be setting yourself up for difficulties in the future.
But I do think you should speak to the school / school nurse to see if there is any help/counselling he can get.
I’d also not be doing your ex’s dirty work, get him to phone your son to tell him that he’s not seeing him.

LutinDeSapin · 09/12/2020 06:51

Ok, if it's normal then maybe not too much to worry about! Mine would never have slept after school unless they were about to be ill. Although I suppose if DD had had a car trip home, she might well have done!

Don't mention fever, they might not let him back til he's been tested!

movingonup20 · 09/12/2020 06:55

My thinking is the opposite, keeping him off and spoiling him is rewarding his negative behaviour, instead I would send to school and promise a treat if is calm at school. As for his dad, is he close by if so can't he come around during the week, even if that means you going out/to your room to give them space. To help our kids (older) we still have some family meals and decide on things jointly.

Longdistance · 09/12/2020 06:58

I’d get that sleep pattern checked out, especially if he’s awake until 11pm. Maybe get a GP appointment.
Don’t mention fever as the school will ask you to go for a Covid test.
As for the ex, he needs to tell his son instead of hiding behind you that he’s not coming because he has better things to do with his time than spend it with his son.
As for the gifts, don’t give them to your ds. Also, if there is no arrangement in place for ds to see his dad, don’t mention when he’s coming, if he doesn’t turn up he won’t be disappointed.

Original poster
NoIDontLikeYou · 09/12/2020 07:04

@FippertyGibbett

I absolutely would not keep him off. It will teach him that if he misbehaves (no matter what has caused the behaviour) he will get to stay off school. You could be setting yourself up for difficulties in the future. But I do think you should speak to the school / school nurse to see if there is any help/counselling he can get. I’d also not be doing your ex’s dirty work, get him to phone your son to tell him that he’s not seeing him.
The thing is, he actually likes going to school... oh hold on he is now awake.

I’ll be back soon.

OP posts:
Ohdoleavemealone · 09/12/2020 07:07

Yes he always has a nap in after school, usually falls asleep in the car. Then will sleep until 5.30-6.00pm, I’ve been trying to get him out of this, but I can’t... he gets upset (cries) if I try and wake him up, or try and prevent him for napping. Sometimes he doesn’t go to sleep until 11 which is very late, I know.

This sounds like a vicious cycle and probably isn't helping.
I am sure if he didn't nap after school, he would go to bed at a decent hour. Routine is very important to kids and can only help. IT might be hard to first time you prevent the nap but will be easier long term.

samlovesdilys · 09/12/2020 07:08

Relate provide child/young person counselling, I'm not sure of their age range but the wait for an appt wasn't too long...or the school may be able to recommend someone?