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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep DS home.

67 replies

NoIDontLikeYou · 09/12/2020 06:02

Hi...

OH & I broke up over a year ago now, DS (7) has taken it very badly, this week has not been a good week for him.

He keeps on saying horrible things

“I don’t like you, I don’t want to live here with you”

“I hate you”

“I don’t want to see you again”

“Leave me alone”

“No, I want Daddy to do it for me”

And a lot of other nasty things, that have reduced me to tears.

Yesterday he kicked me ☹️😞

He has become withdrawn in school, no longer wants to join in activities and separates himself from friends.

I was called in to collect him early, he became hysterical during a lesson and wouldn’t tell anyone what was wrong.

When I got him home he became so angry and started pulling everything out of the freezer (I’ve never ever seen him like that before)

I managed to calm him down and he fell asleep in my arms, when he woke up he apologised, I asked him why he did it, he said he doesn’t know.

More tears and saying horrible things before bed, I woke up this morning to find him cuddled up to me in my bed.

And just to mention, I received a text for EX yesterday saying that he will not be seeing him DS on the weekend, because he is “going somewhere”

I don’t know how I’m going to tell him!

He will probably send DS a big box of expensive gifts from amazon, to make up for it (which he usually does) but meanwhile it’s me that’s going to have to break the news to him, and deal with the crying and him being miserable.

I hate him for what he has put the boys through!

After being called into the school yesterday, I was thinking keeping him off school today would be the right thing to do, I just don’t want to him today, then I get a phone call saying that he is in hysterics again.

AIBU? or should I send him?

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:

Felifox · 10/12/2020 10:01

My friend's dc was 12 when their df left. Despite knowing how disruptive their df's behaviour was they still missed being a family. Now they see their df but he needs to check what plans they have and not just turn up unannounced.

Your ex is being utterly callous to your ds7. Tell your ex that he needs to keep in touch during the week by zoom or skype calls. Would that help and would he make that commitment? It's heartbreaking to read of your ds" upset as clearly it's made him ill.

Original poster

NoIDontLikeYou · 10/12/2020 10:12

@Felifox

I don’t even think he’ll be willing to FaceTime him, and I don’t want to ask because I will probably get ignored!

Four brand new Nintendo switch games arrived via amazon this morning. This is what he does every time he lets DS down, and I’m sick and tired of it!

Just be a Dad to him please, that’s all I’m asking for.

OP posts:

unicornsarereal72 · 10/12/2020 14:36

@NoIDontLikeYou that is rubbish. You can't change him I'm afraid. And your youngest will see his dad for what he is as he gets older.

My youngest doesn't ask anymore. But still adores their dad. I've stopped telling lies. And just say I don't know. Historically ex would ignore my messages etc. So I don't bother anymore.

Original poster

NoIDontLikeYou · 10/12/2020 16:16

[quote unicornsarereal72]@NoIDontLikeYou that is rubbish. You can't change him I'm afraid. And your youngest will see his dad for what he is as he gets older.

My youngest doesn't ask anymore. But still adores their dad. I've stopped telling lies. And just say I don't know. Historically ex would ignore my messages etc. So I don't bother anymore. [/quote]
Yes I do hope so, my eldest already knows what he is like and doesn’t want any contact with him.

I just feel like cutting off all contact, because this isn’t fair on my son. I hate to see him cry and like I said before, this whole situation has made him ill. He now has a fever and is still refusing to eat.

I’m so sick and tired of this!

OP posts:

Original poster

NoIDontLikeYou · 10/12/2020 18:39

I’m so stressed out, I feel like crying.

I don’t really have any real life support.

OP posts:

superstar84 · 10/12/2020 18:40

I'm sorry

He sounds like a classic Disney dad

Do you have a court ordered custody agreement?

superstar84 · 10/12/2020 18:42

My ds is 8 and suffers with anxiety it's horrid seeing them like that isn't it

We find all the changes at home and school for Xmas is always overwhelming and he needs more support so I can't imagine all this is helping

Does he ask for his dad?

Original poster

NoIDontLikeYou · 10/12/2020 18:54

@superstar84

I'm sorry

He sounds like a classic Disney dad

Do you have a court ordered custody agreement?

No we don’t, I didn’t want to go down that route. But I think I will now, I’m not having him hurt DS like this.

He has been very clingy today (luckily the bad behaviour has stopped) I bathed him, and read him to sleep, I know it’s still early but I’m hoping that he will sleep through.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoIDontLikeYou · 10/12/2020 18:56

@superstar84

My ds is 8 and suffers with anxiety it's horrid seeing them like that isn't it

We find all the changes at home and school for Xmas is always overwhelming and he needs more support so I can't imagine all this is helping

Does he ask for his dad?

Yes very horrible.

And yes he always asks for him, he idolises him. I just don’t understand why though.

OP posts:

superstar84 · 10/12/2020 19:02

I'd cut contact, wait until he asks to see ds and then think about what suits ds not him

Have you got maintenance sorted? If not consider a claim through the cms

Anytime he asks I'd just say that you haven't heard from daddy and change the subject

It's completely rubbish but it's not your job to keep trying and to make excuses

Original poster

NoIDontLikeYou · 10/12/2020 19:08

@superstar84

I'd cut contact, wait until he asks to see ds and then think about what suits ds not him

Have you got maintenance sorted? If not consider a claim through the cms

Anytime he asks I'd just say that you haven't heard from daddy and change the subject

It's completely rubbish but it's not your job to keep trying and to make excuses

Thanks for understanding.

I am going to be cutting contact, I won’t allow him to do this anymore... it’s not the first time, and it’s me that has to deal with DS crying and not wanting to eat.

EX is paying for both boys, that’s the issue with him... he just throws money at everything!

OP posts:

Doidontimmm · 10/12/2020 19:37

I honestly would not pass on the gifts, just return to sender and tell Ex any gifts must be given directly.

Original poster

NoIDontLikeYou · 10/12/2020 20:04

@Doidontimmm

I honestly would not pass on the gifts, just return to sender and tell Ex any gifts must be given directly.

Yes good idea.

I would rather him not shower DS with gifts.

OP posts:

Anothermother3 · 11/12/2020 09:57

This may sound a bit cheesy but can you make a book with photos for your DS telling his story including feelings. So for instance this was the family when DS was a baby and it all felt quite certain and then the family changed but still the same people. Sometimes daddy isn’t very good at organising his time this can make you feel (he can choose the feeling) when we feel like this it can be helpful to (some suggestions developed with both of you) so basically more work on identifying feelings and how to manage them. No criticising X just very factual and based on DS’ experience and how loves and supported he is. I hope that makes sense.

GivingItAMiss · 11/12/2020 10:44

My son is suffering in the same way. Been through court and due to being told what to do, his dad hasn't seen him since last year. Talks regularly on the phone but there's never any mention of seeing him. My son is angry and confused and school is really tough fir him now but I've told school what happening and they are really supporting him.
Definitely don't make excuses for your ex. I did for years but have had to stop.

Tinselandbaubauls · 11/12/2020 10:48

Oh that really upset me. Poor lad. Keep him home, do something nice together. My heart goes out to you. I would ask your DP to phone him himself and explain about the weekend. It’s not fair of him to ask you to do it.

Lightsabre · 11/12/2020 11:49

Sorry I haven't read everything but I think you definitely need to tell the school what's happening. Not only for support but If you do go no contact, he might try the court route and you can present evidence of how your son's emotional wellbeing is being affected at home and school. If you can afford it, private play therapy can help at this age.

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