To keep DS home.

[NoIDontLikeYou]

Hi...

OH & I broke up over a year ago now, DS (7) has taken it very badly, this week has not been a good week for him.

He keeps on saying horrible things

“I don’t like you, I don’t want to live here with you”

“I hate you”

“I don’t want to see you again”

“Leave me alone”

“No, I want Daddy to do it for me”

And a lot of other nasty things, that have reduced me to tears.

Yesterday he kicked me ☹️😞

He has become withdrawn in school, no longer wants to join in activities and separates himself from friends.

I was called in to collect him early, he became hysterical during a lesson and wouldn’t tell anyone what was wrong.

When I got him home he became so angry and started pulling everything out of the freezer (I’ve never ever seen him like that before)

I managed to calm him down and he fell asleep in my arms, when he woke up he apologised, I asked him why he did it, he said he doesn’t know.

More tears and saying horrible things before bed, I woke up this morning to find him cuddled up to me in my bed.

And just to mention, I received a text for EX yesterday saying that he will not be seeing him DS on the weekend, because he is “going somewhere”

I don’t know how I’m going to tell him!

He will probably send DS a big box of expensive gifts from amazon, to make up for it (which he usually does) but meanwhile it’s me that’s going to have to break the news to him, and deal with the crying and him being miserable.

I hate him for what he has put the boys through!

After being called into the school yesterday, I was thinking keeping him off school today would be the right thing to do, I just don’t want to him today, then I get a phone call saying that he is in hysterics again.

AIBU? or should I send him?

Thanks for listening.

I’d send him in.

He needs the routine.

I also don’t think this is normal.

I'd keep him off and I don't say that lightly. I'd say to him that he can have the day off as he's so tired, I wouldn't say it's because of his behaviour yesterday. It sounds like he really needs a day of being love bombed by his mummy. Wee soul.
Have a lovely walk together, if restrictions in your area allow then maybe go for a special lunch then watch a film on the couch or play his favourite game together.

I’d send him because at the moment he is probably in need of some secure normal boundaries within the disruption of his dad leaving. I would tell the school the situation so they can offer him support.

Do something fun together at the weekend. I’d also try to get a better sleep routine by cutting out the nap so he goes to bed 7ish. Now you are parenting alone you’ll need your evenings to rest and recharge too, especially if his behaviour is a bit difficult.

My ds was like this when his dad was in hospital for nearly a year. He started stealing at school, stole little things at first, including his teacher's flash drive that she had a full years lesson plans on. It wasn't until a member of staff caught him trying to hide an ipad under his jumper at home time that they realised it was him & called me in at hometime. I had never noticed that he had been hiding everything he stole behind the sofa at home, I made him produce everything he had stolen & write a letter of apology. He cried for a good few hours & told me how he missed his dad, how scared he was when his dad had fallen & banged his head, he had suffered memory loss due to concussion, didn't recognise ds & had forgotten we had split up nearly 2 years before. Ds had rung his grandparents who had taken nearly 2 hours to arrive leaving 7 year old ds to cope alone considering they lived 5 minutes away, hadn't allowed him to ring me. His dad has severe MS & was admitted to the neurology ward where he was for 10 weeks before being transfered to the neuro rehab unit where he spent 9 months because they decided he couldn't carry on living where he was & had to stay until a bungalow became vacant. I contacted our GP who after speaking to myself & ds referred him for counselling, school also allocated him a TA who he could speak to at school if he had any worries & check in with her every day to speak to her even if it was to say he was having a good day. I spoke to his dad who afterwards spoke to staff on the ward & was allowed to have him visit for the day every Saturday, he was allowed to go around the hospital to the coffee shop in his wheelchair & spend time in the recreation room playing video games or board games, helping ds with his homework, listening to him read or just chatting. He also started to ring ds every night at bedtime & read him a story before he fell asleep. It took until his dad came home for him to completely return to normal, he had kept all his worries inside until they just exploded out causing him to steal, he wanted to get caught because he couldn't put in to words how he felt, it was a cry for help.

Has he always had a nap after school or just in the last year? Does he nap at weekends, school holidays?

I would tell ex to come and take ds out for dinner on the Thursday night after school and tell him himself that he can't do the weekend.

@maddening

I would tell ex to come and take ds out for dinner on the Thursday night after school and tell him himself that he can't do the weekend.

Yes I agree! The EX needs to take some accountability and witness the repercussions of his actions first hand by telling the little lad himself.

Op, I'm really sorry you're in this situation. You appear to be still bearing the brunt of the fallout from your EXs poor decision making, that's entirely unfair on you.

@OP
I could have written your post.
When my ex left, they were so inconsistent and it was very difficult for my ds (&me).
The I hate you etc is usual - developmental stuff - I know plenty of kids with parent together who say this, however it feels like the knife in your heart .
He doesn't hate you . He feels completely supported by you enough to express his emotions to you.
Re. Unreliable ex's.. I tried to be as age appropriately Honest with ds.
No blame language, but say that ex finds organising themselves, a timetable, ect... difficult, no easy and it is hard.
As for taking the day off... Personal decision - I most definitely would.
When my ds acts up its unusual. It's usually a message that something isn't right.
I believe it's not a reward for bad behaviour , it's me listening.
He gets some of that time purely for him....
We called it "an hour of me in charge" and within this time , ds decides what he wants to do (with a few cost exceptions).
At first I thought he'd go wild..... He asked me to put phone away and play train tracks with him in his room!
Some of his other choices have been to go to the woods, play mine craft with him, bake and go mcD's . Within this time ds decides everything.
It's usually really good fun.
Anyway enough of my essay, I hope some of it helps, pm me if you would like any more support/help etc.

oh Poor boy. He is going through something huge. This acting out is a cry for help. As much as cuddles and keeping him home is good, you need to get to the root of the issue. I would suggest play therapy. It needs to be addressed as you can see its turning into a much more serious issue.

I would speak to school as they might have a programme in place to help my ds did one to help with his confidence. I wouldn't rule out NHS and talk to gp to see if there is any help. He probably can't put into words his feelings and these outbursts are his way of letting it all out. Be calm, constant (I know you can't control ex attitude but perhaps try having a conversation about all this with him and how letting ds down is really affecting him) and just be there don't try to get him to put all this into words but just spend quiet time with him.and it may come out

I’m back.

He said that he would like to stay off school just for today, because he doesn’t want to be upset at school again, because he made his friend “who helped me” upset too. But then he said that he doesn’t want to get in trouble, because he is only suppose to stay off school if he is sick, but he feels fine. I’ve told him that I will call the school so he will not get in trouble.

In regards to his tiredness, DS suffers from anaemia so as you can imagine he gets tired very easy, and is not very energetic like most children, I am just so glad that he goes to a great school and his peers are very understanding and supportive, and also suffers from anxiety and the break up as made things a lot worst.

Bless him. I have asd child with high anxiety and he really struggles with school in December. Could your anxious DC be the same?

I'm trying praise bombing at the moment. Bascially iv gone super positive and praise everything (I sound like I'm from an American pep programme).

@Waveysnail

Bless him. I have asd child with high anxiety and he really struggles with school in December. Could your anxious DC be the same?

I'm trying praise bombing at the moment. Bascially iv gone super positive and praise everything (I sound like I'm from an American pep programme).

It’s not only in December, it’s throughout the year.

I have texted EX and asked him to call and speak to DS (to tell him, he is unable to make it this weekend) he hasn’t replied and probably won’t.

I guess I’ll have to break the news to him, sometime during the day.

I would keep the routine of school in place. But make a fuss of him this weekend.

My youngest was 5 when her dad left. We had six months of eow. Then he got flaky. She would throw a complete hissy fit. He didn't care and thought I was making it up. So I just had to absorbed it.

I would let school know he is struggling and ask for some Elsa support. I would also look into local youth counselling. To give him a safe place to talk about how he feels.

It will pass. It just takes time.

Think you are right for his dad to tell him, although appreciate he probably won't. I don't have much to offer except yes, try not to take anything personally, he's lashing out at you as you are the closest person to him. And you do all the dull stuff, the actual parenting, not the fun. Take care, give yourself a break.

Your Ex is a dick, that's for sure. So lets put him to the side and accept that he's unlikely to contribute positively to this.

Speak to school and ask if they're willing to support with a referral to play therapy - your son has been through a huge amount of change and it's probably knocked his socks off. On top of that, everyone's had masses of stress and worry this year, alongside changes to routine and everyday life, which will also impact him.

As PP's have said, focus on you and him; make sure he knows you love him even at his toughest times, make sure you talk openly about behaviours and emotions and how they don't define him or change how loved he is, and make sure that you take care of yourself, too. You are essentially doing the job of two people whilst his amazon-loving Dad dicks about doing fuckall, so don't take any of this anger personally; it's life he's cross with, not you.

@FudgeBrownie2019

Your Ex is a dick, that's for sure. So lets put him to the side and accept that he's unlikely to contribute positively to this.

Speak to school and ask if they're willing to support with a referral to play therapy - your son has been through a huge amount of change and it's probably knocked his socks off. On top of that, everyone's had masses of stress and worry this year, alongside changes to routine and everyday life, which will also impact him.

As PP's have said, focus on you and him; make sure he knows you love him even at his toughest times, make sure you talk openly about behaviours and emotions and how they don't define him or change how loved he is, and make sure that you take care of yourself, too. You are essentially doing the job of two people whilst his amazon-loving Dad dicks about doing fuckall, so don't take any of this anger personally; it's life he's cross with, not you.

Sorry I’m just replying now, DS is very miserable ☹️

I am going to speak to the school tomorrow, it is a fee paying school, so he will be able to start therapy pretty quickly, I’m not too sure that he will actually want to do it, I don’t want to push him into it.

I still haven’t heard for EX but he is showing as online on WhatsApp!

I am so sick and tired of him, all I want is for him to spend time with DS every fortnight, is that too much to ask for?

Just dropping back in.

I had to tell DS that he wouldn't be seeing Dad this week, now it's me who has to deal with the crying through the night and him not wanting to eat!

DS(14) come down and told that me that DS(7) asked him why Dad doesn't love him anymore ☹️

He has also said “Mum why don’t we just remove him from our lives, I’m not interested in seeing him and it’s not fair what he is doing to DS(7)” I’m a little bit taken back by his comment.

Thoughts please?

At 14 she is old enough to choose but 7 is still too young to choose really.

@NoIDontLikeYou My kids dad has spent 15 hours with the kids in six months. Apparently it's my fault 🤷‍♀️. Both kids have phones for him to keep in touch with them. Which I pay for. He can't be made to step up sadly. My eldest has gone non contact. And thinks my youngest is mad to see their dad. I don't know what the answer is. No doubt he will come and cry on the kids at Christmas about how much he misses them again like last year. Then the children feel guilty and it's not their fault at all.

Your 14 year old has a point but you can't make that decision for a 7 year old. What you can do I suppose is dial down the expectations; so don't mention daddy, if he asks about him give him an answer, "i don't know", "I'll ask". I often put my 5 year old on the phone to his dad so he can ask the questions himself and i don't have to be a go-between.

I think the sleep issue is exacerbating the problem. I would be doing everything possible to keep him awake until at least 7 or 8 then putting him to bed. Park straight after school, take him out for his dinner, play a game etc. Everything feels harder when you are tired.

Morning,

Sorry for the late reply, this whole situation has made DS ill, he was full of anxiety this morning, wouldn’t eat so I’ve kept him off again.

@Oysterbabe - Hi, I’m not sure whether you read my previous comment. DS has health issues tiredness/fatigue is what comes alone with it, so there’s nothing I can actually do to stop him from being tired, I do try but he gets very upset.

Sometimes I can’t even take him to the supermarket is in car, because he falls asleep on the way there.

[quote unicornsarereal72]@NoIDontLikeYou My kids dad has spent 15 hours with the kids in six months. Apparently it's my fault 🤷‍♀️. Both kids have phones for him to keep in touch with them. Which I pay for. He can't be made to step up sadly. My eldest has gone non contact. And thinks my youngest is mad to see their dad. I don't know what the answer is. No doubt he will come and cry on the kids at Christmas about how much he misses them again like last year. Then the children feel guilty and it's not their fault at all. [/quote]
😢