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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Slept with best friend

64 replies

Morris125 · 08/12/2020 23:21

Me and my best friend slept together a month ago. We have been friends for around 5 years and has strictly been platonic till the last few months, some flirting here and there but nothing serious. He was the one who started to pursue a sexual interest as I was happy the way things are but I do like him as well and was feeling lonely so enjoyed the attention. When this happened at his place, after we went straight back to being like best friends (no cuddles and stuff) which was fine just talking having a laugh etc. But now, since then we haven’t spoken properly since it all happened. We spoke in bits for a few days after but no flirting at all. I’m a bit disappointed because I feel like he was just bored and now it’s happened, he doesn’t want to know. I have 1 child so this could also be a reason why he’s gone cold incase he thinks I want him to play step daddy but it’s not like that at all. Like I said, I do like him but I liked our friendship more and I guess I just want to know AIBU to feel disappointed?

OP posts:

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 08/12/2020 23:26

Can't you just talk to him? He's your best friend. This happened with my best friend just over 11 years ago, at first we both just laughed it off as a few too many drinks, both feeling a bit awkward and not wanting to put ourselves out there in case the other didn't reciprocate the feelings and it ruined a very good friendship, but the connection was strong. We're married and have a DC now.

Original poster

Morris125 · 08/12/2020 23:47

This is my issue, he’s such a confident almost cocky person about women and has talked to me about how many people he’s been with, girls he’s seen what they are like etc that I almost feel that I’ve been played. We were both sober as well, it’s just so weird but maybe I do need to pluck the courage up to at least clear the air..

OP posts:

pepsicolagirl · 08/12/2020 23:54

Are either of you in a relationship with someone else?

Givemeabreak88 · 08/12/2020 23:58

He’s not interested.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 09/12/2020 00:02

He doesn't sound like the type of man I personally would want a relationship with if he talks about women like that.... If you still do not the bullet and talk to him, you've got nothing to lose, you raising the subject n isn't going to change his views on the situation he either sees you as more than a friend or he doesn't. Given what you've said about how he talks about other women, unfortunately it may well be the latter.

Original poster

Morris125 · 09/12/2020 00:07

No both single

OP posts:

Original poster

Morris125 · 09/12/2020 00:14

That’s what I suspect but I think it’s just more annoying to go cold and throw away a good friendship, I’d prefer to just forget it happened tbh

OP posts:

donquixotedelamancha · 09/12/2020 00:15

But now, since then we haven’t spoken properly since it all happened. We spoke in bits for a few days after but no flirting at all. I’m a bit disappointed because I feel like he was just bored and now it’s happened, he doesn’t want to know. I have 1 child so this could also be a reason why he’s gone cold incase he thinks I want him to play step daddy but it’s not like that at all. Like I said, I do like him but I liked our friendship more and I guess I just want to know AIBU to feel disappointed?.

Perhaps he thinks the same about you. Perhaps he is madly in love. Perhaps he regrets it and doesn't want to spoil the friendship. Perhaps you have turned him gay.

If only there were some way to find out what he wants and how he feels. Sadly, we will never know.

P.S. Having posted on AIBU at least 20% of respondents will tell you he is using you for sex, not interested, been manipulating you for years and has finally got what he wanted, secretly a cannibal etc

I would suggest that the advice of the MN vipers is not always conducive to forming healthy relationships.

GreenlandTheMovie · 09/12/2020 00:22

I think you've just joined his list...

CheetasOnFajitas · 09/12/2020 00:41

This is my issue, he’s such a confident almost cocky person about women and has talked to me about how many people he’s been with, girls he’s seen what they are like etc

He sounds awful. What do you see in him?

willloman · 09/12/2020 00:52

What the Don said.^

windturbines · 09/12/2020 01:03

I'd just talk to him. Everyone on here is speculating and he's clearly not a huge arsehole if you've been best friends for longer than a decade.

Talk to him. Be honest. Clear the air. If he played you then hold your head high and be glad he isn't in your life for another decade. If he just wants to be friends- that's okay and you can both get back to it. If he wants more, take it slow and see where it goes.

Listening to others on here won't give you the truth, clarity or closure. Talk to him and see what he has to say.

Mamanyt · 09/12/2020 01:15

If you have been best friends for five years, there is no reason on earth not to talk with him about this. Just make it clear that you have no expectations...although, from the tone of your post, it seems as if you may have had a few. And because of that, I'd suggest clearing things up in your own mind before you talk with him about it. You wouldn't be feeling disappointed had you had only feelings of friendship for him.

Having sex with a friend does one of three things...It can turn into a love match, it can destroy the friendship, or it can deepen that friendship. But it ALWAYS changes that friendship.

Eckhart · 09/12/2020 01:33

You need to change your standards with regard to what counts as a friend. People who care don't have sex with you, and then leave you feeling bereft. Presumably he knew you had a child before he slept with you, so, don't use your child as an excuse/weapon.

Or, if it's not to do with your child (and I'd suggest you don't blame your child's existence for issues caused by your naivety in the future), best friends don't leave each other feeling neglected, and that they pissed off because they 'got bored'.

You wanted a friend and perhaps more, and he wanted sex. He got what he wanted, at the expense of a) respecting you and hopefully b) you continuing to respect him.

Feel disappointed if you like, there's no rules about whether that's right or wrong.

How are you going to treat the relationship going forward?

Idunnoyou · 09/12/2020 01:34

op you know this will never turn out good. I dunno why men can't have females as friends without trying to get with them

Eckhart · 09/12/2020 01:50

@Idunnoyou

op you know this will never turn out good. I dunno why men can't have females as friends without trying to get with them

They absolutely can. Not in this instance, though, and perhaps not in your experience.

StarlightLady · 09/12/2020 05:49

I don’t see anything wrong with having sex with a friend.

Over the years, l’ve had sex with a number of friends! Shock horror! I have needs and l have opted for a friend rather than some random person, because l have known we are on the same wavelength and because there is mutual respect.

In this case though, it doesn’t sound as if the true friendship was ever there. You really do need to communicate and see what this brings. I suggest you also weigh up exactly what you want from this first.

gannett · 09/12/2020 08:15

I do like him as well and was feeling lonely so enjoyed the attention... I’m a bit disappointed because I feel like he was just bored

I don't think he was the only one who got what he wanted that night. Sounds like you were both feeling lonely and bored (and God knows this year of all years there's enough reason) and that's why it happened. I expect plenty of friends/housemates have crossed that line this year.

Are you disappointed because you want something more or is it a pride thing, you don't want to feel used or played? I think it's possible for both of you to have "used" each other for comfort without "using" each other in a disrespectful sense IYSWIM.

Obviously just talk to him though. The lack of communication on both your parts is probably down to similar awkwardness. Not wanting more and thinking the other one does, wanting more and thinking the other person doesn't. Just clear the air!

BigFatLiar · 09/12/2020 08:34

Speak to him about it. He may be embarrassed thinking he's overstepped the mark and ruined your friendship. If you want a relationship don't be the shy wallflower tell him. Its qute acceptable for a woman to tell a man what she wants.

MegaClutterSlut · 09/12/2020 08:44

This happened to my best friend. She had a close male friend who had been in our friendship group for years. He was the one that made a move on her one night. Literally the next day he blocked her on everything and they haven't spoken since because he's an arsehole

The only one that can answer your questions is him but yanbu to be disappointed. If you want to continue the friendship I'd call him and talk to him about it

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/12/2020 08:49

@donquixotedelamancha

*Perhaps he thinks the same about you. Perhaps he is madly in love. Perhaps he regrets it and doesn't want to spoil the friendship. Perhaps you have turned him gay.

If only there were some way to find out what he wants and how he feels. Sadly, we will never know.

I would suggest that the advice of the MN vipers is not always conducive to forming healthy relationships*

100 % this

dottiedodah · 09/12/2020 09:06

Someone once said all guys want to sleep with their female friends deep down.No idea if true, but a trifle alarming to say the least! Can you just drop him a text and say Hi Steve or whatever ,Merry Xmas hope all OK with you .That way you have opened the door up .It may not be possible to go back to being just friends ,but you will have cleared the air a bit.For all you know he may be interested in you .Many men like to talk big ,but may be far less confident than you realise .

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/12/2020 09:07

@Idunnoyou
op you know this will never turn out good. I dunno why men can't have females as friends without trying to get with them

You do realise she had sex with him too, so your comment should be about either genders
Either way friends can stay friends or become lovers, it is difficult to control other peoples feelings.

cherrybunx0 · 09/12/2020 09:16

Hi OP,

YANBU to be disappointed.

I slept with one of my best friends in our late teens. I'm not going to lie, it totally ruined our friendship and we don't speak anymore. He developed much stronger feelings for me then I ever had for him. For me, it was a bit of fun one new year with someone I felt really safe with. For him, he thought we were going to be this great love story. This was unknown to me beforehand, he had never expressed that kind of feeling before and I assumed we were on the same page. I was totally wrong and this went on for years, with him telling me he was in love with me and telling all our friends. He made my life tough when I met my now partner because he just wouldn't let it go.

He has moved on now (I think) but even up until 2 years ago, when I was pregnant and engaged, I bumped into him in town and he still professed how he would never love again like he loved me. Now admittedly this is an extreme version but the reason I'm sharing it is because this is what can happen if you are friends and you cross that line. There is always the possibility that one person is going to feel something totally different to the other. I'm not saying it isn't incredibly hurtful and I felt like a total bitch that I didn't feel the same as on paper it would of been perfect. This is going to sound even more hurtful but I regret it now - only because I realised it messed him up more than me.

I think you are going to have to have an honest chat. Just say that to him - that you did/do like him in that way but if it's not reciprocated that you want the friendship still. For me, our friendship was damaged beyond repair because my best friend could not and would not accept that I didn't love him back so for both of our sakes I had to distance myself.

grapewine · 09/12/2020 09:22

He doesn't sound that nice. Unfortunately, you've likely joined the list of women he talks to friends about.

The only way to know what he wants or doesn't want is to speak to him.

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