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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slept with best friend

64 replies

Morris125 · 08/12/2020 23:21

Me and my best friend slept together a month ago. We have been friends for around 5 years and has strictly been platonic till the last few months, some flirting here and there but nothing serious. He was the one who started to pursue a sexual interest as I was happy the way things are but I do like him as well and was feeling lonely so enjoyed the attention. When this happened at his place, after we went straight back to being like best friends (no cuddles and stuff) which was fine just talking having a laugh etc. But now, since then we haven’t spoken properly since it all happened. We spoke in bits for a few days after but no flirting at all. I’m a bit disappointed because I feel like he was just bored and now it’s happened, he doesn’t want to know. I have 1 child so this could also be a reason why he’s gone cold incase he thinks I want him to play step daddy but it’s not like that at all. Like I said, I do like him but I liked our friendship more and I guess I just want to know AIBU to feel disappointed?

OP posts:
MacbookHo · 09/12/2020 09:28

Just tease him like you normally would. Be cocky and confident yourself - again, as I’m sure you normally would with him.

“Are you not talking to me now I’ve seen how rubbish you are in bed?”

Simplyunacceptable · 09/12/2020 09:34

He sounds like a bit of a tosser. I think he was bored and lonely, probably struggled to find many women to add to his extensive list this year, what with the pandemic and all. You’re a woman and you made yourself available so he jumped on it. I wouldn’t spend too much time worrying about it, he’s a boring stereotypical womaniser.

Valkadin · 09/12/2020 10:48

He sounds crap as a friend or a boyfriend. Raise your standards when it comes to friends.

Rhine · 09/12/2020 11:20

I wish posters would stop projecting their own poor opinions of men onto the OP.

Original poster
Morris125 · 09/12/2020 11:35

Sorry I know what I said about him talking about girls sounded bad but it wasn’t like a bragging sort of thing it was more just talking about girls who was seeing at that time and what they were like as a person interests etc. He would say if they slept together but wasn’t like graphic about it. I would speak to a girl friend in the same way. He has told me before how many girls he has been with but again more just chatting and not bragging. I also forgot to add that a few days after not talking, I did message saying do you fancy meeting up the following weekend to have a drink/chat was pretty breezy but he said he was busy that weekend with his family. (Was the weekend before lockdown happened). That was the last conversation. So that’s what makes me feel that he’s avoiding me and I’d rather us just get back to being friends.

OP posts:
BillMasen · 09/12/2020 11:40

@Rhine

I wish posters would stop projecting their own poor opinions of men onto the OP.
If everyone stopped doing that this would be a very quiet forum...
MacbookHo · 09/12/2020 11:48

I did message saying do you fancy meeting up the following weekend to have a drink/chat was pretty breezy but he said he was busy that weekend with his family. (Was the weekend before lockdown happened). That was the last conversation. So that’s what makes me feel that he’s avoiding me

He might be "resetting your expectations" -- hoping to dissuade you from wanting a relationship with him? Maybe he thought you were asking him out on a date. Were you?

BarryTheKestrel · 09/12/2020 11:54

You just need to bite the bullet and talk to him OP. Phone him or send him a message or however you would usually correspond. Just go with something along the lines of 'Look, we slept together but lets not let it ruin our friendship, it can be a one time thing, not an issue, lets just clear the air and move on'.

I slept with one of my closest friends when I was 20. We both knew it was nothing more than what it was, 2 single friends having some fun neither of us had romantic feelings towards each other, it never happened again as I met DH shortly after. However, we are still friends over a decade later, we meet for drinks usually every 2 months or so, take our kids to the park, have joint family bbqs. It doesn't have to ruin your friendship but if one of you is harbouring feelings it likely will. You need to talk to him.

Original poster
Morris125 · 09/12/2020 11:56

No I didn’t ask in any sort of way that would suggest it was a date, I asked in the normal way we would make plans. But I guess after it happening, it’s possible he might of thought that me asking to meet a few days after it happening would show further interest. For me, it was mainly to see where the land lies as I don’t like awkwardness

OP posts:
DryRoastPeanut · 09/12/2020 12:20

I married my best friend.

Being best friends first is a perfect recipe for a successful relationship, do you think there is a future for you to be best friends and life partners?

gannett · 09/12/2020 12:57

@Morris125

No I didn’t ask in any sort of way that would suggest it was a date, I asked in the normal way we would make plans. But I guess after it happening, it’s possible he might of thought that me asking to meet a few days after it happening would show further interest. For me, it was mainly to see where the land lies as I don’t like awkwardness
You need to be more direct if you want to see where the land lies!

Your message tried to get things back to normal without acknowledging that you slept together. It doesn't give any indication what you thought of it or what you want it to mean.

It feels easier and less awkward to ignore it at the start but if you want to clear the air you have to name what happened. You can still be breezy about it. "So, about the other night... had a nice time but don't want it to change our friendship, how do you feel?" Or "had a nice time, do you want to see where it goes?" Delete as applicable.

JellicleCat · 09/12/2020 14:05

I have a very good friend like this. We had a short fling when we slept together two or three times, but both of us decided we would rather be friends. He sounds a bit like your friend, he doesn't treat women well and knows exactly what I think of this, but, he is a really good friend and remains so. There is absolutely no way I would sleep with him now, by the way.

What do you want from this person? If it's friendship I suggest you clear the air by talking to him and see how it goes, If you want a relationship on the other hand I'd run a mile, men like this rarely change.

BritWifeinUSA · 09/12/2020 14:33

He talks about women like they are just notches on his bedpost and you say he’s your best friend? What are you getting out of this friendship? I think you need to make new friends with nicer people.

Original poster
Morris125 · 09/12/2020 18:09

Honestly I don’t know, I think I’d be open to trying something but I also don’t want to make things awkward. The feelings aren’t strong enough to be heartbroken about if nothing comes of it but I do value him as a friend.

OP posts:
wimhoffbreather · 09/12/2020 18:19

@Morris125

Honestly I don’t know, I think I’d be open to trying something but I also don’t want to make things awkward. The feelings aren’t strong enough to be heartbroken about if nothing comes of it but I do value him as a friend.
From you OP I thought it seemed like you wanted to move the friendship onto something else now that you had slept together, and from this post this seems like the case?

If so, maybe he feels that and isn’t interested in being your bf. Do you know if he’s dating anyone at the moment?

I’ve been where you are, slept with my best friend after a drunken night out, started having romantic thoughts - only for him to announce a couple of weeks later that he was now involved with someone he worked with! Oops!

donquixotedelamancha · 09/12/2020 19:33

I wish posters would stop projecting their own poor opinions of men onto the OP.

donquixotedelamancha · 09/12/2020 19:36

@Morris125

Honestly I don’t know, I think I’d be open to trying something but I also don’t want to make things awkward. The feelings aren’t strong enough to be heartbroken about if nothing comes of it but I do value him as a friend.
Yep, you should just go back to being friends. Push all those feelings down without asking what he wants- you will find you don't dwell on what might have been at all.

It definitely won't get in the way of the friendship as long as you avoid clearing the air. Poor communication is the key to good relationships.

hadesinahalfahell · 09/12/2020 19:44

@MacbookHo

Just tease him like you normally would. Be cocky and confident yourself - again, as I’m sure you normally would with him.

“Are you not talking to me now I’ve seen how rubbish you are in bed?”

This is also how I would act.
YouNoob · 09/12/2020 19:45

You're too funny donquixote Grin

MrsMarvellous · 09/12/2020 19:47

"Are we okay? Things have seemed off between us the last few weeks and I miss my friend. So stop being weird and get back to normal. I promise, i'm not going to jump on your or marry you at gun point. ;]"

-- is the kind of thing I would send to test the waters. At this point what have you got to lose really? He'll either reply with relief and go back to normal, reply disappointed that you want to go back to normal and you can explore being more than friends, or he'll reply in a strange way / not reply, confirming the friendship is dead.

You get closure. Win Win.

MacbookHo · 09/12/2020 20:26

😂 😂

Original poster
Morris125 · 13/12/2020 10:14

Just giving a small update but it appears that the main social media that we would speak on, he’s deleted that account and created a new one without adding me to his new one. So I’m feeling that he wants to move on from the friendship as well.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 13/12/2020 10:16

I’m feeling that he wants to move on from the friendship as well

..... because that's what he said when you talked these issues through because he is your best friend?

Burnthurst187 · 13/12/2020 10:27

@Morris125

Just giving a small update but it appears that the main social media that we would speak on, he’s deleted that account and created a new one without adding me to his new one. So I’m feeling that he wants to move on from the friendship as well.
That's a really shitty thing to do to you. After five years he's shown his true colours. I can't ever see two friends sleeping together and then the relationship ever being the same again though. It didn't have to be quite like this though
LouiseTrees · 13/12/2020 10:31

@Morris125

Just giving a small update but it appears that the main social media that we would speak on, he’s deleted that account and created a new one without adding me to his new one. So I’m feeling that he wants to move on from the friendship as well.
You have got to text or phone and be like “ dude you set up a new Facebook to not add me? I thought we were friends. Like if you don’t wanna be sexually involved that’s cool just say that but to basically ignore someone you built a friendship with first, that’s low.”