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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put my foot down

73 replies

tedduclutter · 08/12/2020 23:06

My brother, sister and I are 22 and 25 and 28 years old and come home for a few days every Christmas.

My mum rules the roost. If my dad, sister, brother and I want to watch one movie but my mum wants to watch another then my dad will 'change his mind' so mum always wins. Even if its a 3 to 2 vote my mum will win. Dad is a very firm man and a strong personality but always wants my mum to be happy above all else.

If we're all hungry at 6 but mum is not, then we all have to wait until she's hungry to have dinner and are told to have a snack. But if mum is hungry at 6 and were not, we're all being served food.

I can think of hundreds of examples and I know I don't have a voice at home and am still seen as a small child that should just do as the parents wishes. I see my friends parents who do the opposite and come to agreements where everyone is valued and this can make me a little sad about my own situation. I would want to feel more equal. Were all conditioned to cave to mums wishes, it's not even a conversation anymore. It makes me feel quite resentful.

I have grown up feeling very disempowered and although outwardly I am extrovert and seem very confident, I really don't value my opinion or self high because my opinion was never valued at home.

Last Christmas I had a meltdown. I was so angry at being treated like a child and all the progress I had made to be independent and more mature just flushed away.

This Christmas it is just my brother and I coming back and I have decided to cook us lamb for Christmas dinner. My parents are vegetarian so we were instructed to arrange our own meat. We have just been informed that we are not having lamb because mum doesnt like the smell so we are instead having turkey (a meat we both don't like). I just couldn't imagine being so selfish like that. I am just conditioned to compromise. If it were the other way round I would be discussing a solution that meant lamb could be cooked and I wouldn't have to smell it.

Theres no arguing either as dad always backs up mum. They wouldn't entertain a conversation or compromise. It makes my blood boil how powerless and insignificant I feel. I know I am in their house, but this behaviour is just in our family wherever we are.

if I put my foot down then I can labled a trouble maker, still dont get a say, get all upset etc. If I don't then I just feel the anger building. Its lots of little situations every day.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/12/2020 23:08

Why are you going? It sounds like an utterly joyless time.

I’d sooner sit in loungewear with a chocolate select pack and a bottle of Prosecco with Netflix,

Original poster
tedduclutter · 08/12/2020 23:12

I didn't even consider not going. Its family at Christmas and there are fun aspects such as games

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 08/12/2020 23:12

Why have you chosen turkey if you don’t like it? Do a nice roast beef/chicken whatever. I can’t stand the smell of roasting lamb, smells like death, IMO, but I wouldn’t whinge if someone wanted it. Dunno why you’re going round, wouldn’t you rather host your brother and do your own thing?

Alexandernevermind · 08/12/2020 23:13

It sounds horrible. I do think that when you are someone else's home they set the timetable on when you eat. The lamb smell thing seems odd, but if you don't eat it it does small awful Despite the fact they are both vegetarian, they are happy for you to being meat to eat.

invalidnickname01 · 08/12/2020 23:15

You're cooking meat in a vegetarian house but they're the selfish ones? I see....

Can't you visit for a few hours or all go for a meal out instead if you don't like staying there? Doesn't sound like any of you will enjoy it, do everyone a favor and don't bother.

RunningFromInsanity · 08/12/2020 23:15

Her house, her rules.

If she’s vegetarian I’d be grateful she’s letting you have meat at all.
Most vegetarians wouldn’t cook a meat dish in their own home.
If you don’t like the turkey option, you’ll have to have the veggie option.

Merryoldgoat · 08/12/2020 23:18

@tedduclutter

I didn't even consider not going. Its family at Christmas and there are fun aspects such as games
Your entire post describes a period of time where you feel silenced, you are not considered and no one has your corner.

But ok. Games.

Things will not change without a catalyst. So go if you want but go with the acceptance that your feelings don’t matter.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 23:19

I think it's high time you make your own traditions and call the shots for yourself. Stay at your home and tell your mother exactly why you've decided to do so. You need to break this absurd hold she has on you. If you don't want to be treated like a child, you need to make healthy decisions like an adult. Nothing will ever change until you start to assert yourself.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 08/12/2020 23:22

I didn't even consider not going. Its family at Christmas

But you’re expecting it to suddenly change after 20-odd years. It won’t. The only way to change things is to create your own Christmas.

tinselfest · 08/12/2020 23:26

Sounds too much like hard work to me.

You don't have to go, you know. What is your sister doing this year? And does your brother feel the same way you do?

BuzzingtheBee · 08/12/2020 23:29

You sound like a spoilt child

VinylDetective · 08/12/2020 23:30

It’s pretty generous of two vegetarians to allow you to cook meat in their house. I wouldn’t if I were them.

innercitysumo · 08/12/2020 23:33

Her house, her rules. You're grown adults. If it's that awful - don't go and cook lamb at home

Sparklesocks · 08/12/2020 23:38

It sounds like you don’t enjoy it, maybe it’s time to start making new traditions.

HeddaGarbled · 08/12/2020 23:38

I like that your dad wants your mum to be happy. So often, what the mum in a family wants comes last after every one else in the family. It’s refreshing to hear about a husband who sticks up for his wife in this way.

You have no right to decide to cook lamb for Christmas dinner in your parents’ house.

If you want lamb for Christmas dinner, do it in your own home.

Astella22 · 08/12/2020 23:41

If you don’t want to wait for a meal then make your own, why do u need to wait for others?
Don’t want to watch a certain movie, then just don’t do something else!
Your mother doesn’t want the smell of lamb in her house so eat it at your own house.
Don’t want to be treated as a child then don’t throw a temper tantrum/have a meltdown.

You can only change your own reaction to these issues. Try standing your ground without getting upset that others don’t agree.

MummytoCSJH · 08/12/2020 23:44

Eh? The OP didn't choose Turkey. That is the ENTIRE point. People who have not been raised by narcissists will not understand OP. You do not sound like a spoilt child. You sound like you have been worn down over years and years, and are fed up of never being respected by the people who are supposed to love you. I get it. I'd stay at home.

Catsup · 08/12/2020 23:44

Agree with the pp 'her house her rules'. If my mum comes to my home she'll bring slippers because she knows that what we wear in my house, she's happy with whatever the order of the day is for food, mealtimes, or what's on telly as she's the guest. If we go to her house then we follow suit with how she's doing things, because it's her house and she's the host.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 08/12/2020 23:45

YABU to expect to cook meat in a vegetarian home.
YABU to expect your Mother to prepare a meal at six if she isn't hungry - what exactly is wrong with getting yourself a VEGETARIAN snack if you're hungry before your mother has planned to serve a meal.
If you don't want to watch your Mothers choice of TV - take a laptop or stay in your own home.

LawnFever · 08/12/2020 23:48

It’s your mum & dads house, sounds like you descend on them and want them to change everything to suit you - why shouldn’t they get to pick what’s on the tv

If I was vegetarian I wouldn’t want meat cooked in my kitchen, you’re lucky they’ll allow you turkey

If you’re hungry cook your own dinner

Have you or your brother or sister ever offered to host Christmas yourself since you’re all adults?

Divebar · 08/12/2020 23:59

I think to a certain extent you never quite break out of the parent / child relationship. In this case it happens that your family is matriarchal. So is my family So I know only too well the feeling that if mums unhappy we’re all unhappy. As long as I was single I was treated a bit like a child. However my DM is the eldest child of another strong matriarch and I don’t see that ever changing. I’m not quite sure how it works in other families but in mine you wouldn’t turn up as a guest and then dictate what time dinner is. The person cooking would usually say something about the time but I’ve never really been canvased about it. Obviously if you’re cooking the meal then you have control over the timings. If you want to eat something different then you bring it. Presumably you weren’t expecting your vegetarian mum to cook your meat and the rest of the meal? I’m not sure how else you have been disempowered but probably having a melt down isn’t the way to prove maturity ( satisfying though it might be). There comes a time when perhaps you forge your own traditions and stop automatically trailing back there each year. Could you host Christmas and invite your family to you? It comes as a bit of a shock to some people to consider that they might step up and run the show at Christmas when they’ve always been hosted. Perhaps you have Christmas with your friends ( although possibly difficult this year ) and start to assert your independence a little bit.

Merryoldgoat · 09/12/2020 00:16

I think you’re getting a hard time OP.

I agree with PP who said if you’ve not been exposed to people like this it’s an alien concept.

I suspect that your feelings have been disregarded for years, since you were a child.

Your mum is the ‘star’ and you all have to bask in her glow.

It’s tiresome.

I have an aunt like this. She’s fucking awful and has alienated pretty much every family member except those who need her money.

Break away. You’ll feel better forever. You don’t have to go no contact. Just be casual and easygoing.

‘You know what mum, I’ve decided I’m not coming at Christmas’

‘Why!?’

‘Oh you know, it’s just so full on and I know you don’t like disruption and all the food. You and dad just please yourselves and I’ll pop over with presents in the New Year’

Original poster
tedduclutter · 09/12/2020 14:54

really this post wasn't meant to be about eating lamb on Christmas Day, it was more about how to end a cycle of feeling so powerless. I really dont want to abandon my family at christmas when I only seem them properly twice a year.

My brother and sister bow down to my mother and say 'its mum just let her have her way you know how it is'

My sister is staying with her husband.

Also the way my mum responds is consistent in or outside her home. We all went to the cinema to see a movie my mum wanted when we would all rather have seen another.

@Divebar no I actually really wanted to cook the whole christmas meal including a nut roast but I wasn't allowed because my mum enjoys cooking be herself.

My mum is also a very kind and generous person and that hasn't been reflected here. She just always wants it her way and would never compromise on anything.

OP posts:
IsFinnRogersDead · 09/12/2020 14:56

I'd ask your sister if you can go to hers.

Original poster
tedduclutter · 09/12/2020 14:58

@VinylDetective they didn't bring us up vegetarian and cooked meat for us our whole childhood

OP posts: