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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to put my foot down

73 replies

tedduclutter · 08/12/2020 23:06

My brother, sister and I are 22 and 25 and 28 years old and come home for a few days every Christmas.

My mum rules the roost. If my dad, sister, brother and I want to watch one movie but my mum wants to watch another then my dad will 'change his mind' so mum always wins. Even if its a 3 to 2 vote my mum will win. Dad is a very firm man and a strong personality but always wants my mum to be happy above all else.

If we're all hungry at 6 but mum is not, then we all have to wait until she's hungry to have dinner and are told to have a snack. But if mum is hungry at 6 and were not, we're all being served food.

I can think of hundreds of examples and I know I don't have a voice at home and am still seen as a small child that should just do as the parents wishes. I see my friends parents who do the opposite and come to agreements where everyone is valued and this can make me a little sad about my own situation. I would want to feel more equal. Were all conditioned to cave to mums wishes, it's not even a conversation anymore. It makes me feel quite resentful.

I have grown up feeling very disempowered and although outwardly I am extrovert and seem very confident, I really don't value my opinion or self high because my opinion was never valued at home.

Last Christmas I had a meltdown. I was so angry at being treated like a child and all the progress I had made to be independent and more mature just flushed away.

This Christmas it is just my brother and I coming back and I have decided to cook us lamb for Christmas dinner. My parents are vegetarian so we were instructed to arrange our own meat. We have just been informed that we are not having lamb because mum doesnt like the smell so we are instead having turkey (a meat we both don't like). I just couldn't imagine being so selfish like that. I am just conditioned to compromise. If it were the other way round I would be discussing a solution that meant lamb could be cooked and I wouldn't have to smell it.

Theres no arguing either as dad always backs up mum. They wouldn't entertain a conversation or compromise. It makes my blood boil how powerless and insignificant I feel. I know I am in their house, but this behaviour is just in our family wherever we are.

if I put my foot down then I can labled a trouble maker, still dont get a say, get all upset etc. If I don't then I just feel the anger building. Its lots of little situations every day.

OP posts:

AiryFairyMum · 09/12/2020 15:48

Her house, her rules. Go elsewhere and do as you please.

Oreservoir · 09/12/2020 15:49

.if she is kind and generous but only ever on her own terms and conditions then she isn't truly kind and generous. She is self-centred.

This^
Your mum sounds really selfish to me.

Oreservoir · 09/12/2020 15:53

All the pp's saying 'her house, her rules,' have you got adult dc. In our house it's give and take. My dc are adults with opinions and feelings, I want them to enjoy Christmas not feel miserable because I want my own way.

MrsDrudge · 09/12/2020 15:58

Invite them all to yours - if you are doing the planning, shopping, cooking,cleaning and decorating if the house, providing beds etc and organising the games you enjoy you can do it in exactly the way you want.

Hadalifeonce · 09/12/2020 16:04

I have spent years being pissed off at my SiL, who hardly ever provides food when we have been invited to her house, resulting in us having to go out and buy food for everyone; then more recently being told which meals to bring and cook. I realised a little while ago, that life is too short as we are the only people getting wound up. I will now take the meals and cook them, but I do keep a selection of treats and snacks I know DC like and keep them hidden, as I know they would all be scoffed in seconds by her family. Very pretty I know, but I now feel less stressed and angry when there.

In your shoes, I would either take the lamb, or another meat you like, and tell your mother it not to waste her money on turkey as you don't like it.

If there is something you particularly want to watch, try to get prior approval from everyone that is what will be watched at that time.
Good luck OP.

VinylDetective · 09/12/2020 16:05

We’ve heard “your house, your rules” ad nauseum when it’s a mil who oversteps. It seems that changes with adult children. It either applies to everyone or not at all.

Hadalifeonce · 09/12/2020 16:05

Petty not pretty.

eightxmaspaws · 09/12/2020 16:06

@tedduclutter You don't want to 'abandon' your family- but who are talking about here? Your brother? Why can't he come to you? Your sister isn't going anyway.

It's good that you are beginning to think about how to deal with this.
First off - knowing similar situations- the my parents will change thing is NEVER going to happen. You have to accept that that is exactly how they are. They will not compromise.
2nd- it's then up to you to decide what you want to do. "I'm having lamb for Xmas because I don't like Turkey. Even if that means I stay at home"
You draw your own boundaries.
I recommend getting books on how to set and strengthen your own boundaries.
Your mum is entirely allowed to NOT compromise and not to have lamb in her house.
You are equally 'allowed' as an adult to say that you will not compromise. It is your life. Compromise if you choose, but be aware that you are making that choice. You're not a whiny 8 yr old saying 'but mum is making me do this..'

KiposWonderbeasts · 09/12/2020 16:27

@tedduclutter, I have some sympathy; it's very hard shifting their perspective of you from Kid to Also An Actual Adult, Damn It. It takes a lot of time. Enforce your own boundaries without disrespecting their house rules. For example "Bro and I are having lamb, so we'll eat at my house and come to yuours after."

You are definitely unreasonable to cook lamb at a veggie's house - my DH kindly agreed never to have lamb at home because it's a fatty meat that pongs the place out for a good two days. It's the only one that I honestly can't bear, and most vegetarians I know hate it too.

RayOfSunshine2013 · 09/12/2020 16:33

aren’t you a grown up now and able to just .... you know... not go?

AryaStarkWolf · 09/12/2020 16:37

You could put your foot down if it was your house but it isn't so not sure how that is going to work out for you tbh

CharlotteRose90 · 09/12/2020 16:41

Oh god this is like my house except it’s my brother that rules the roost. We all wanted duck on Xmas day as we hate turkey and he kicked off saying he wants turkey so guess what we are having . People like your mum you can’t change and she will forever get her way. If I were you I would invite your brother round and eat what you want. Then maybe nip round Boxing Day

katy1213 · 09/12/2020 16:43

You sound very childish. If you don't like visiting, stay at home. Then you can choose meal times, menus and be in full control of the TV. All on your own.
Or you could go, have fun, swap the turkey for chicken or steak - who cooks a turkey for two, for heaven's sake! - forget the bloody TV as if we haven't all watched enough this year - and save the roast lamb for New Year and invite your brother for dinner.

ThirstyGhost · 09/12/2020 16:54

What you're describing just sounds like typical family Christmas to me. They are stuffed full of minor irritations. Certainly nothing you've described sounds like it's remotely worth getting upset about or having a meltdown over. If I go home for Christmas (spoiler, I don't any more...) I have to sit through Mrs Browns Boys on the telly, my dad plays his country & western albums constantly while he gets pissed and the food is whatever my folks decide to have (usually duck, which everyone apart from my dad absolutely hates). Suck it up or don't go are the options basically because it isn't going to change now. There's a reason it's healthy to move out of home at a certain age. When you go back you get a glimpse of why it was good you left.

Circumlocutious · 09/12/2020 16:55

YABU to unequivocally decide what you’re cooking in someone else’s home.

YANBU to decline the Turkey. The idea of two adults having no choice but to eat something they actively dislike on Christmas Day is ludicrous.

So yes, put your foot down and say thanks, but you’re not having Turkey. Come to a compromise. If you can’t, I suggest you visit after lunch.

Elieza · 09/12/2020 17:03

I’d have the nut roast on Christmas Day with your parents etc and have everyone round to yours Boxing Day for lamb. If your parents choose to come later on Boxing Day once cooking smells have dissipated that’s fine they are welcome to join you for just pudding if they like. Or you’ll get them something veggie. They can advise in advance so you know what to buy. I’d have something you all like or even a choice of pudding.

Alternatively, to avoid cooking meat at your parents, which is fair enough, you could ask if you can bring a takeaway with you and have Chinese or Indian or whatever she will allow in the house that she can tolerate the smell of (or have that Boxing Day or New Year’s Day or whatever).

You have to respect her wishes but she seems either very old fashioned and “children should be seen but not heard”-ish.

Or she’s a tyrant and your dad has learned the easiest path is not to resist her or he will feel her wrath. My stepmother beat up my dad in secret for years and I never knew. He couldn’t hit her back. So you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

OverTheRubicon · 09/12/2020 17:18

@Hadalifeonce

Did you miss that op first offered to cook the nut roast, then when her mum said she wanted to cook (it being her own house and all), OP decided that actually she was going to cook lamb for just herself and her brother?

I love lamb but think it's way out of line to bring meat to cook in a vegetarian house - especially as it's not even that lamb is a Christmas tradition.

Of course op shouldn't make turkey, that's mad too, but really she should eat a nut roast all together at her parents' place or go later or not at all. She wants to be treated like a equal adult, but also get to make her own food in her parents' house as if she is still a child living there.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 09/12/2020 18:35

I'm going to sounds a little harsh here but you sound like a child. All this nonsense about feeling disempowered and your mum 'winning.'
She may have always been in charge when you were little because she was your mum - that's standard. Now she's in charge because it's her house!

You don't get to 'put your foot down' or kick off about the tiles when you go to her house.
You need to grow up - your options are to your parents for
Christmas, enjoy the good bits and accept all the constraints it comes with or don't go.

GlowingOrb · 09/12/2020 19:26

It’s their house. You need to go with the flow until a there is a new generation. Then you start insisting on changes to accommodate the children.

The second you said you were cooking lamb, my mind went to omg, the smell in a vegetarian’s home, that is so inconsiderate; so I wasn’t surprised to see they objected. You could push back on turkey though and suggest some other, less pungent meat.

nosswith · 09/12/2020 19:32

Don't go. Hope you can spend time with another family member.

It may be painful to do this the first time, but it may mean that you are treated differently in future.

lljkk · 09/12/2020 19:40

"how to end a cycle of feeling so powerless. I really dont want to abandon my family at christmas when I only seem them properly twice a year."

you have other choices OP. Just that none of them are easy.

See her "properly" a different 2x/year. When you care less about the food.

Defy her. Cook the lamb anyway. Serve it when you're ready to eat. Sit in a separate room & watch what you fancy on iplayer. And come back here to tell us about the fireworks

Decide to indulge her knowing it's your choice not a compulsion. This would be easier to make peace with if you had bluntly defied her a few times first.

FGS: don't have turkey if you dislike it. Have something else. Why would it be so hard to buy some precooked lamb thing you could just heat up -- maybe this defies her, but in a way that won't stink the house out. You're only cooking for 2, so only need small portion size, anyway.

Original poster

tedduclutter · 10/12/2020 17:11

thank you for all your helpful comments.

The reason I can't have everyone at mine is I live in a studio 12h drive from my parents, so not easy to 'pop' over either.

My brother would always go to my parents, he knows they're unreasonable but he just doesn't really care. He actually finds it funny when my mum wont compromise.

My sister is with her fiancé and his family so thats not an option.

I will go this time but will make different plans net year.

My mum has cooked lamb for us many times, so the reason I am upset is that it hasn't bothered her in the past and I think she just wants me out the kitchen and its easier for her if we all have vegetarian, hence why she picked turkey when she knows we dont like it.

My family are like this wherever we go.

In honesty I need a solution more for other situations. This unhealthy dynamic really bothers me. I want a happy family life and we do have alot of fun, it is also very frustrating.

OP posts:

OverTheRubicon · 10/12/2020 21:53

It's her house. Why do you need to be in the kitchen? And what is wrong with having vegetarian, cooked by her, when it's in her own house? You said earlier you wanted to cook a nut roast for everyone, it was only when she said not that you wanted to cook lamb.

She does sound very controlling. Do you ever think you have picked up the same tendencies from her? When you're older you.can have it at your place, your way (or maybe she'll be happy to.relinquish responsibility).

Until then, best you either don't go, or go and stop complaining, she's never going to treat you like a fellow adult if you flounce and sulk like a teenager.

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