to put my foot down

[tedduclutter]

My brother, sister and I are 22 and 25 and 28 years old and come home for a few days every Christmas.

My mum rules the roost. If my dad, sister, brother and I want to watch one movie but my mum wants to watch another then my dad will 'change his mind' so mum always wins. Even if its a 3 to 2 vote my mum will win. Dad is a very firm man and a strong personality but always wants my mum to be happy above all else.

If we're all hungry at 6 but mum is not, then we all have to wait until she's hungry to have dinner and are told to have a snack. But if mum is hungry at 6 and were not, we're all being served food.

I can think of hundreds of examples and I know I don't have a voice at home and am still seen as a small child that should just do as the parents wishes. I see my friends parents who do the opposite and come to agreements where everyone is valued and this can make me a little sad about my own situation. I would want to feel more equal. Were all conditioned to cave to mums wishes, it's not even a conversation anymore. It makes me feel quite resentful.

I have grown up feeling very disempowered and although outwardly I am extrovert and seem very confident, I really don't value my opinion or self high because my opinion was never valued at home.

Last Christmas I had a meltdown. I was so angry at being treated like a child and all the progress I had made to be independent and more mature just flushed away.

This Christmas it is just my brother and I coming back and I have decided to cook us lamb for Christmas dinner. My parents are vegetarian so we were instructed to arrange our own meat. We have just been informed that we are not having lamb because mum doesnt like the smell so we are instead having turkey (a meat we both don't like). I just couldn't imagine being so selfish like that. I am just conditioned to compromise. If it were the other way round I would be discussing a solution that meant lamb could be cooked and I wouldn't have to smell it.

Theres no arguing either as dad always backs up mum. They wouldn't entertain a conversation or compromise. It makes my blood boil how powerless and insignificant I feel. I know I am in their house, but this behaviour is just in our family wherever we are.

if I put my foot down then I can labled a trouble maker, still dont get a say, get all upset etc. If I don't then I just feel the anger building. Its lots of little situations every day.

I can see your point. And I'm a vegetarian and would happily either cook meat for you or allow you to cook your choice if you were a guest here, particularly at Christmas. What do you think would happen if you were to sit down and have a conversation with your mum at a time that isn't fraught (ie not on Christmas day or in the immediate vicinity of one of these discussions) and explain how this makes you feel. And what would happen if you were to host CHristmas / your family for a meal?

I don't think you can "put your foot down" in someone else's home. You're choosing to go there do you kinda have to suck it up. If your dad chooses to go along with it too, that's up to him.

Why don’t you invite your parents to yours? Your mum’s done it for a lifetime, time for you to take over and give her a break

I can see why you feel this way. It’s no fun spending time or Christmas somewhere where you don’t feel happy or comfortable.

However they aren’t going to change. You need to either spend Christmas your own way, separately, or just accept it’s how it is.

The wanting to insist on cooking meat in a veggie household is unreasonable though. Just eat what the hosts are making.

@tedduclutter

really this post wasn't meant to be about eating lamb on Christmas Day, it was more about how to end a cycle of feeling so powerless. I really dont want to abandon my family at christmas when I only seem them properly twice a year.

My brother and sister bow down to my mother and say 'its mum just let her have her way you know how it is'

My sister is staying with her husband.

Also the way my mum responds is consistent in or outside her home. We all went to the cinema to see a movie my mum wanted when we would all rather have seen another.

@Divebar no I actually really wanted to cook the whole christmas meal including a nut roast but I wasn't allowed because my mum enjoys cooking be herself.

My mum is also a very kind and generous person and that hasn't been reflected here. She just always wants it her way and would never compromise on anything.

So just turn up put up and shut up, and you'll be gone before you know it.

Or don’t go!

Not sure what you're wanting here. The only way to end a cycle of not being heard - is to be heard. In your shoes I simply wouldn't go if I felt that strongly, but would try and soften it by saying that this year you want to do something different and have arranged to spend time with friends but you'll see them sometimes over the festive period.

OR - just go and accept that your DM won't change. She's been this way all her life. Everyone just goes along with it to keep the peace, always have, always will. Nothing you do or say will change her behaviour because she doesn't accept she's doing anything wrong - why would she when everyone else agrees with her all the time?

The only thing you can change is your own reaction to her behaviour and this might mean missing out on the 'fun' aspects of the Christmas trip in order to get your Christmas your way for once.

You have to wait for dinner until Mum is hungry.... or do you mean, until she cooks it?

Its their home, they are vegetarians, why the hell don;t you and your brother share their vegetarian meal on Christmas day? That would be the polite, inclusive thing to do. You can go out together and eat meat another time.

Cook lamb at your house and take it with you.

I dont know why you're getting such a a hard time. Your mum is the boss and you all just do as she wants which isn't fair in a family. I would hate to live in that situation.

What you need to do is start refusing to cave. Your mum want to watch movie A you want to watch movie B, "I watched what you wanted last time, I'm going to watch B, anyone can come with me if they want but you can watch A if that's what you want."

I also dont think its generous allowing someone to cook meat in a vegetarian home. I actually think it's a bit uptight to not cook meat for them. I'm vegetarian, my husband and whole family except mum aren't, I dont agree with their decision to eat meat but I will serve it, cook it myself and get a well rated recipe so it's good (I also spend a small fortune because I order high welfare stuff especially). That's like saying non drinkers are being generous allowing you to bring wine to their house. If you're hosting you host.

Why don't you vote with your feet and just do christmas with your brother and/or sister?
Maybe she'll eventually realise that if you steamroller all over your adult children, they won't want to come for Christmas!

And the food thing. Cook dinner for everyone when you're hungry and keep mums warm until she's hungry.

In order to feel less powerless you have to accept your mum isn't going to change. At the moment all your energy is invested in feeling angry/frustrated that she always gets her way and you are determined this should change. You can take your power back by deciding not to visit at Christmas and creating the kind of Christmas you would like somewhere else. I wonder if your resistance to this solution is because you have such a strong desire to "win", just once. I suspect the battle of wills exists only in your head and your mum is just doing her thing.
I see your mums point about the lamb. I'm vegetarian but happy to cook meat for guests. Over the years I have learnt there are two meat smells I cannot tolerate, one is burgers and the other is lamb, both smell like death to me. It seems like the lamb is a really big deal for you but you have not suggested an alternative to the lamb or turkey. How would your mum respond if you said you won't have turkey because you don't like it?

Invite your brother round to yours for lunch and eat lamb and whatever else you fancy.

Then go round to your parents for Christmas.

The only way you will manage this situation is to start taking the power back by holding firm with your boundaries. However that’s easier said than done. Especially if you rely on them in any way (eg financial etc).

Although the lamb was just an example, it’s a good one. Can’t you call you parents and tell them you don’t want Turkey and will be bringing lamb for dinner.....”I’ll open a window so the smell is t too much”..... “no I don’t want turkey and neither does x because we don’t like it”......”I understand you might not like the smell but the smell will o ly be temporary and this is one food that x and I want. You are allowed to have xyz as you choice and this is ours”.

Ultimately though to maintain boundaries with them you’ll need to be willing to reduce contact if they don’t start respecting your wishes more.

Also just to add....I think it is hard when you move into adulthood and start recognising some of the unhealthy dynamic within your own family. It can be a difficult process to move from recognising the issues and them doing something about them:

I wouldn't go at all.
That sounds far too stressful. Not what Christmas with family is supposed to be

If you want your parents to treat you as an equal adult, you have to show them the same respect too.

You wanted to cook a nut roast for everyone but she said no, she likes to cook. Surely that's fair enough, in her own house - but instead you then said that you and your brother are going to have your own lamb roast. That's bizarre, would you ever do that to a vegetarian friend?

Same thing for dinner timing or TV. If you are starving or if you don't like the movie, you can have a snack, or leave, or sit out on the kitchen and chat with your brother, or spend the duration of the movie browsing the boxing day sales.

As it is, she sounds controlling but you sound extremely entitled and lacking in perspective.

...if she is kind and generous but only ever on her own terms and conditions then she isn't truly kind and generous. She is self-centred.

Just cook at home yourself and visit for games.

Just go for a shorter time - a Christmas meal and overnight. Otherwise stop being so childish.

As a vegetarian I would always make sure that people had something they enjoyed at Christmas - usually I will make veggie food for guests the rest of the year although my non veggie dp might occasionally add in some prepared meats but at Christmas no one should feel dissatisfied!

If op’s mum had said the smell of the lamb was a problem and asked for a second choice that would be one thing but to just switch to turkey unilaterally is really rude and that’s before looking at all the other behaviours!

I would have a sibling Christmas instead.

She sounds narcissistic and your Dad just caves in to whatever she wants for an easy life. The only way to counter this is to create strong boundaries for yourself, but probably easier to just not go

Given that you only see them twice a year and for a few days at a time I’m surprised it grates so much to have to live by what your mum wants. She does sound very uncompromising, but is it such a big deal for such a short amount of time?

If it is, then I would find something else to do at Christmas. If that seems unthinkable because you would miss out on aspects you do enjoy then maybe just try and see adhering to your mum’s whims for a few days as the price you pay for being hosted for a family Christmas.

tedduclutter

Look I understand completely - this is my reality too in many ways apart from I’m older than you and I have my own family. Last Christmas we helped my DM cook the Christmas dinner... I got gravy duty. I’m pretty good at gravy but I don’t do it the same way... so my DM stands over me commenting and clearly disapproving. Let’s just say I can laugh about it now but really really didn’t at the time.

@2bazookas

You have to wait for dinner until Mum is hungry.... or do you mean, until she cooks it?

Its their home, they are vegetarians, why the hell don;t you and your brother share their vegetarian meal on Christmas day? That would be the polite, inclusive thing to do. You can go out together and eat meat another time.

Speaking as someone who's own mother sounds similar to the OP's, when I lived at home (and did all the cooking!) I can confirm that dinner wasn't allowed to be cooked until she was hungry. If you were starving and went ahead and cooked anyway for her to heat up later she sulked and had none at all "in protest"