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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mil has verbally abused us

101 replies

foxes15 · 08/12/2020 22:28

For asking where a birthday card for our dc is.

She has turned up on the doorstep minus said card, accused us of being ungrateful for not thanking her for presents. The presents include headless hello kitty’s, regifted half used toiletries and other crap she doesn’t want.

For context this is the 3rd time in 4 years she’s done this, she is not old or unhealthy.

I’ve had a row as I feel we should go low/no contact as dc has had their birthday ruined by her behaviour.

OP posts:
ClaireP20 · 09/12/2020 00:28

Why would you have abgonat someone for not sending a birthday card? Who gives a shit about a card?!
She gave presents, you may think they are absolute tat, but you should still say thank you. I'm sorry OP, but you sound very cruel. Saying you want to go 'no contact'! I mean, she is your husband's mum! She gave birth to him! That's so nasty of you. Your husband sounds like a weak man - because he should be telling you not to poke the beat, and chill out a bit.

ClaireP20 · 09/12/2020 00:36

@Tootsietootie

I have four kids. Between them we clock up 65 years of birthdays. Literally never once in all that time have any of them ever really given a shit about a card. You sound pissed and a bit up for a fight over fuck all.
This...
iswhois · 09/12/2020 00:37

Where can you get Easter chocolate in December???

ClaireP20 · 09/12/2020 00:38

@windturbines

I'm sorry, but if someone is purposely being an arsehole, they deserve to be called out on it. Why should OP have sat there and said nothing?

A card costs pennies, and at the most, a few pounds. The rest of the gifts were cheap, used tat. This is nothing to do with not being able to afford things- it's a purposeful attempt at trying to make others feel like shit and bring them down on a day when the attention is on them, and not the person in question. If MIL was in dire straits, I highly doubt OP would have asked about a card. She asked because she has form for being this way, and she deserved to be called out and embarrassed for it.

Some don't seem to get the signficance of asking about a card. Let me clarify for you. A card would have been evidence of actually buying a suitable token for a birthday, and thinking about the event in question. Offloading items not fit for more than the bin is not worthy of counting as an attempt at being generous and celebrating a birthday.

I see MIL threads on here every day. Some seem genuinely terrible, others seem fairly harmless. This one is one of the terrible ones. I, like the OP, couldn't sit back and let someone treat my children with the sheer amount of disrespect this woman has. It isn't about getting people to buy your children expensive gifts. It's about thought and genuine care. If her MIL couldn't afford anything, that wouldn't be an issue. She could easily have rang to wish her daughter to wish her a happy birthday over the phone and had a nice conversation with her. Instead, she turned up with a pile of worthless shite and had the audacity to cause a scene because everyone didn't bow down to her and her pathetic ways.

OP, downgrade her present even more. Get straight to the reduced section of a bargain shop and purchase something that is dog-eared and preferably has stains or blemishes on. From the entire family. Then never bother with her again. People like her deserve a taste of their own medicine. Maybe when she's older and needs help she'll realise that fucking off her entire family with her pathetic little mind games wasn't worth it.

But, hey. She made her bed. Let her lie in it.

Are you secretly the OP?!?
WingingItSince1973 · 09/12/2020 00:50

Oh man! Why did I read this before going to sleep! I have no idea what's going on and now my brain will try and work it out while I'm trying to sleep 😥 Please OP come back and start again as I'm not the only one totally confused!

Thedogscollar · 09/12/2020 00:58

It's almost like the OP speaks in tongues Grin
For what should be a relatively straight forward post this is bloody bonkers. And the updates confused me more Confused

Jenasaurus · 09/12/2020 01:06

I once ulnowingly gave a half drunk bottle of wine to a neighbour as a thank you gift, I had put it on the side and someone had had a few glugs of it, they told me adter i poped round with it, so I rushed back with another bottle, I was mortfied my neghbour would think I had deliberately drunk some as she was only worth half...she saw the funny side, I wonder if MIL accidentaly ate the kitty heads

katy1213 · 09/12/2020 01:06

If anyone ruined the birthday, it's you. Your child wouldn't have noticed a missing birthday card unless you made a big deal of it. Their mother ranting and kicking off on the doorstep is harder to ignore.

justilou1 · 09/12/2020 01:08

If ever there was a candidate for a glitterbomb or a post-a-poo it’s this sack of shit grandma.

PirateCatQueen · 09/12/2020 01:15

“Well I have the vindication we should go no contact. She offers nothing to us at all but DP cannot see that.”

This was the whole point of the encounter wasn’t it? A set-up. Stoke a dramatic situation to blowing point to provide “evidence” for ostracism.

If you personally just don’t get on, or she’s a bit of a knob, or a bit crochetty or odd, done, you don’t have to see her or spend any time with her.

But your DP and your DC get to decide for themselves who is in Scotland heir lives.

Tricking them, manipulating them or pressurising them into doing what you want is pretty twisted and controlling. You’re projecting all your own motives onto MIL

They say the closest thing to a confession you’ll ever hear from a narcissist is an accusation. You’re making a lot of accusations there.

Leaannb · 09/12/2020 01:32

@foxes15

She turned up on my doorstep, she raised her voice and made a scene, we sent a message asking her wheee it was.

Honestly I’d prefer her to have not turned up, we opened the door thinking she’d bought a card.

You picked this fight. Why on earth do you think its ok to ask where a birthday card is? That is extremely rude. You deserved it
ViciousJackdaw · 09/12/2020 01:44

But your DP and your DC get to decide for themselves who is in Scotland heir lives

I would have thought that was Nicola Sturgeon's job.

StoppinBy · 09/12/2020 01:50

Sorry to say it but if anyone ruined this I think it was you.

You need to let things slide like forgotten birthday cards for the sake of your child (not for your MIL but for your child).

If you downplay it your child wont see it as a big deal.

Is there more to the story? Is this the straw that broke the camels back? Is she singling out this particular daughter by treating her differently to her siblings?

I would never ask where a card or present is and I think that was unneeded, you already knew the answer, there was no need to cause a scene that would upset both you and your family.

Maddison12 · 09/12/2020 01:55

Feel like I've stepped into a parallel universeConfused
If this were any other MIL thread there'd be countless "how dare she not get your dc a birthday card, go nc" comments.
Are people just picking a fight because OPs posts are hard to follow? Not everyone has English as their first language.

TuMeke · 09/12/2020 02:42

I’m so confused about what’s gone one here, what with the headless chocolate hello kitty, the doorstep row that was silent on one side, and the disappearing birthday card for a devastated mid/late-teenager Confused

SilverBirchWithout · 09/12/2020 02:54

It’s a long time to harbour a grudge about misshapen chocolate Easter Kitties.

CJsGoldfish · 09/12/2020 03:02

You picked a fight. If your dc did, indeed, have their birthday 'ruined' it was your doing.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 09/12/2020 03:34

@evenBetter

Literally every one of the boyfriends-nightmare mother/MiL from hell posts on this site are by women choosing to indulge psychos while the boyfriend/husband lives in blissful ignorance. Ridiculous. Pass the burden on to the offspring of these weirdos. No need for any drama.
No actually, from time to time you get some posted by DILs who sound at best like passive aggressive divas and at worst like nightmare pain in the arses.

This one is showing great potential in that direction.

StoppinBy · 09/12/2020 03:35

@Maddison12 my PIL often give crud too. Sometimes my kids have even received things I know my MIL got for free through her work (tatty stuff too, not good stuff).

I am not going to go NC or whinge about it to anyone apart from a friend in private or my husband. I am not going to call them out on it, I down play it to my kids and up play the worth of the present so my children aren't left feeling disappointed.

Is she Grandparent of the year? Not even close but how you react to these things is up to you.

Nicolastuffedone · 09/12/2020 05:54

She gives half empty gift sets as gifts? Really? Literally, half empty bottles of shower gel/body lotion eg as gifts???

tara66 · 09/12/2020 06:26

Cards are a bit passe now - one is supposed to be cutting down on paper for the environment. They just go in the bin and most of them are ghastly anyway.

Aprilx · 09/12/2020 06:37

I think you were the rude one to ask where a card was. Many people no longer do cards and she might not want to go into shops at the moment. I don’t understand what you mean about a headless Hello Kitty or the presents, you are not making any sense. But it does seem that you are the one causing trouble.

Pumpkinpied · 09/12/2020 07:45

You set her up so you could go NC.

WizardOfAus · 09/12/2020 11:27

But your DP and your DC get to decide for themselves who is in Scotland heir

To be fair, deciding Scotland’s heir would involve a lot of pressure.

MotherPiglet · 10/12/2020 22:28

OP please come back and clarify the thread.

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