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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil has verbally abused us

101 replies

foxes15 · 08/12/2020 22:28

For asking where a birthday card for our dc is.

She has turned up on the doorstep minus said card, accused us of being ungrateful for not thanking her for presents. The presents include headless hello kitty’s, regifted half used toiletries and other crap she doesn’t want.

For context this is the 3rd time in 4 years she’s done this, she is not old or unhealthy.

I’ve had a row as I feel we should go low/no contact as dc has had their birthday ruined by her behaviour.

OP posts:

unfortunateevents · 08/12/2020 22:57

Drama on all sides here! If she has form for this why on earth would you text and demand to know where your DC birthday card was?! You were just setting the scene for an argument, so not entirely her fault the birthday was "ruined".

N0tthe0nlyfruit · 08/12/2020 22:59

What age is your DC? What did your DH do? Why would you demand a card (or present) from anyone? Sure, it sounds really hurtful or unhinged in terms of gift giving on previous years, but sounds like you confronted her aggressively which didn't bring any resolution to things.

Original poster

foxes15 · 08/12/2020 23:01

Well I have the vindication we should go no contact. She offers nothing to us at all but DP cannot see that.

She expects her birthday present on the day and demands what present we buy for her, she’ll expect a Xmas present from us.

I’m not rude to her but I give her very little time and at the moment one of my parents is very poorly so I have even less tolerance than usual for her self centred behaviour.

OP posts:

EverdeRose · 08/12/2020 23:01

Are you drunk OP or just usually belligerent?
At first you'd ask her where the card was, now it was just to see if she was popping round.
You're going to get torn to shreds with the AIBU cross examination.

JamieLeeCurtains · 08/12/2020 23:02

So you opened the door to her and she just started ranting?

Did she use rude words?

Did you?

TidyDancer · 08/12/2020 23:02

She sounds rude, but you need to give the specific wording of your message to her as it doesn't sound like you're covering yourself in glory with this incident either.

ViciousJackdaw · 08/12/2020 23:04

So the 'headless hello kitty’s' were actually chocolate mis-shapes. You say this is just one of many unsatisfactory gifts you have been given over the years. Yet the absence of such a gift this year has 'ruined' your child's birthday. Would this be the one who is 14, the one who is 20 or the middle one?

JamieLeeCurtains · 08/12/2020 23:04

She expects her birthday present on the day and demands what present we buy for her, she’ll expect a Xmas present from us.

Tell your DP to fucking buy her presents, then. I don't think I'd want to be shopping for her either, tbh.

Womencanlift · 08/12/2020 23:04

@foxes15

She never came around to wish my dc a happy birthday, she never even asked to speak to them.

They were upstairs while the whole altercation went on, which we didn’t speak as she wouldn’t let us get a word in.

The message that was sent went along the lines.

Hi hope you’re well, I know you’re busy but it’s xxxx birthday today, are you popping around tonight?

So if your DC was upstairs how exactly was their birthday ruined?

BloggersBlog · 08/12/2020 23:05

She sounds awful I agree. Your message was fine. But now totally step back and let DP deal with EVERYTHING to do with her. Dont even get her a £1 diary - do nothing

VodselForDinner · 08/12/2020 23:06

So she wasn’t calling to your house but then you texted her asking her why she hadn’t come over with a card? She came over and you both argued on the doorstep?

Your poor boyfriend, sounds like a case of out of the frying pan and into a crazier frying pan.

MotherPiglet · 08/12/2020 23:06

So you didnt ask where the card was.. you invited her round then argued on the doorstep

Savourysenorita · 08/12/2020 23:08

I've got a best friend who i love to bits and our friendship is strong. I buy her purpose bought gifts. Every birthday she gives me tat that is has clearly been given to her that she doesn't want (she's not 'poor') think odds and ends - a knock off 'Yankee' style candle. Mismatched candle holders. A box of chocs (ones I recognise because I gave them to her!) etc. It's not that she doesn't care. It's just her way! She thinks it's a useful thing to do. She does it to everybody! She even has a special cupboard dedicated to this regiftable crap! My poor deceased paternal GM used to do the same. They think they're being non wasteful innovative and frugal. The gifts sound vile from mil but I reckon she views it like my friend does.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/12/2020 23:08

Am I the only one that needs a timeline...perhaps with diagram to understand WTF the OP is saying.

Honestly, words are an important part of communication...if this is what the conversations are like with the MIL no wonder things have gone south.

Boulshired · 08/12/2020 23:09

If you want to reduce contact that is fine, but your partner should be able to make his own decision. Pick your battles this was not one worth having.

Barton10 · 08/12/2020 23:09

Why text asking where the card is? You are being rude, you ruined your dcs birthday by starting this not her! If you hadn’t sent the text she wouldn’t have come over!

SquirtleSquad · 08/12/2020 23:11

Hang on, had the hello kitty heads been eaten off? Presumably the packaging must have been opened for the head removal?

Original poster

foxes15 · 08/12/2020 23:11

Ok iabu, We shouldn’t have asked where the card was, but this is the 3rd time in 4 years. I have other dc that always get their cards on time.

She turned up on the doorstep, minus the card that she’ll bring tomorrow. She’d come from home as she was going shopping. I’m assuming she’d forgotten.

There was no raised voices from our side, we stood and nodded.

Dc is old enough to understand. She caused us to row as I’m fed up with her behaviour. I realise that my op isn’t clear.

OP posts:

FlibbertyGiblets · 08/12/2020 23:15

JamieLeeCurtains · 08/12/2020 23:16

There was no raised voices from our side, we stood and nodded....She caused us to row

How did you row, then? Sounds like her ranting on? And you said nothing?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 08/12/2020 23:16

For context this is the 3rd time in 4 years she’s done this, she is not old or unhealthy.

You say this is the third time in 4 years, once at Easter, then this birthday, and one previous, but how old is your child/children?

Also, first off you say you text asking where the card was, then you say you text to see if she fancied popping round, so if it was the later, she couldn't have started the argument as she wouldn't have known you expected a card unless you brought ut up when she came to the door

JamieLeeCurtains · 08/12/2020 23:17

You've got 65% YANBU btw.

SquirtleSquad · 08/12/2020 23:18

From another post OP says her DD is 21 and she has 3 children who are 6 years apart between them so I guess the youngest is mid teens

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 08/12/2020 23:18

Your OP isn't very clear, and your subsequent posts aren't very clear either, even the ones where you're trying to explain what happen. Bits keep being added, you're sort of contradicting yourself, its a bit jumbled.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/12/2020 23:20

I'm confused!

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