Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Was it planned'

66 replies

HeyDW96 · 08/12/2020 21:30

Is it okay for people's first question when they find out you're expecting to be 'was it planned?'

I actually find this question extremely irritating and intruding! I get it from work colleagues (who aren't friends) a lot! I didn't mind my family asking too much but I don't really want to share the conception circumstances of our first child with people I merely work with.

Am I the only one that wouldn't ask someone this!?

OP posts:
ILoveYourLittleHat · 08/12/2020 21:35

It's rude as hell.
I had one person ask me this, a new colleague at work, I couldn't believe what I was hearing!
I guess it's a weird kind of knee-jerk question, says more about the person asking than it does you.

ILoveYourLittleHat · 08/12/2020 21:36

You don't have to be very old or experienced to work out that you don't ask someone if they're pregnant, and if they announce it the only thing you say is "congratulations! "

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 08/12/2020 21:38

Not sure how it happened tbh. Dh /dp just fell on me and his penis slipped in one night....
See them squirm. Cfers!!

Gotothewinchester · 08/12/2020 21:40

That's really rude - I have found in the past that it's the people who know you the least that ask weird questions like that

Years ago I was at work and mentioned to a colleague that my sister had just had a baby and some old guy i didnt know hardly at all a couple of desks along went "aww congratulations to your sister - is she breast feeding" and I just thought what a random question that is frankly creepy coming from some older man who doesnt even know me or my family

Topseyt · 08/12/2020 21:42

It is very rude and intrusive. The only response should be congratulations, or maybe asking when the baby will be due. Nothing else.

ivfbeenbusy · 08/12/2020 21:44

I think sometimes it's a knee jerk reaction to ask someone when they are young and unmarried? Especially when the person asking is of an older generation? I don't know any of my friends who were asked this who were in their 30s and married.

Not quite the same but I'm having twins and the first question always asked even by total strangers is "do twins run in the family" and then I feel obliged to tell them that no these are IVF babies which is divulging a lot more personal information than I would normally like to about the conception of these babies

Tinkerbell456 · 08/12/2020 21:46

Bloody Hell! How rude and intrusive.

ILoveYourLittleHat · 08/12/2020 21:47

@ivfbeenbusy

I think sometimes it's a knee jerk reaction to ask someone when they are young and unmarried? Especially when the person asking is of an older generation? I don't know any of my friends who were asked this who were in their 30s and married.

Not quite the same but I'm having twins and the first question always asked even by total strangers is "do twins run in the family" and then I feel obliged to tell them that no these are IVF babies which is divulging a lot more personal information than I would normally like to about the conception of these babies

I was in my 30s and married when this woman asked!

Sorry about the twins question. I deliberately don't ask (and tbh assume it's possibly ivf but not necessarily! )

umpteennamechanges · 08/12/2020 21:49

Just say "No, I won it in a raffle" and shrug,

Cakles2010 · 08/12/2020 21:49

Really irritates me and I got this constantly with DS as I was 24 but looked about 15 was literally first thing some people would ask me who were more or less strangers or family friends

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 08/12/2020 21:49

I never minded that question. I was asked it a lot as I had 4 under 5! The first three it was 'yes, I know we're nuts but really wanted then close together'. For the last one it was 'no! Was totally freaked out for the first few weeks but we're delighted now. Always wanted 4 but after #3 thought we were at our limit. Oh well, I'm sure we will find we can push out that limit a bit further!'

So two very different situations, and both with different conversation. Ultimately though, nobody was ever questioning the wonderfulness the pregnancy, just maybe getting a read of the context and how I reacted to it initially. It's VERY different planned Vs not planned. Totally different emotions.

I've always been very open though and sure of my own feelings. I don't overthink others curiosity. What would it matter to me if they know I was shocked at first!

whatnow41 · 08/12/2020 21:50

I announced my pregnancy at work by taking in a tray of pink and blue cup cakes. My team had been with me through every part of my journey, undiagnosed infertility, failed IVF attempts and then success. Everyone was thrilled for me.

Except one guy on another team thought it was appropriate to ask if I knew who the father was. Shock

My husband of 10yrs wasn't there when our baby was conceived, but then neither was I. I just have to hope they didn't mix up the little cups at the clinic...Grin

August20 · 08/12/2020 21:51

Extremely rude to ask of an acquaintance or colleague.

@ivfbeenbusy the twins question seems more innocuous although it leaves you feeling like you should say something. Could you say "not in my family or DP's!" or "first set of twins in the family, actually" and just leave it at that?

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/12/2020 21:52

I was mid 40s when my dad asked me that.Xmas Shock I asked him why he asked and he said "I dont know. Isn't it what people say nowadays?"Xmas Confused

He's 70.

HitthatroadJack · 08/12/2020 21:54

It's beyond rude! And none of their business, so absolutely no reason to ever ask that question!

Rainb0wDrops · 08/12/2020 21:58

I've been asked that by loads of people with both pregnancies. In my 30s, married for 5 years before 1st pregnancy!
The clue is that when I tell you and look happy I'm obviously going ahead with the pregnancy so whether it's planned or not is beside the point anyway

ThePurpleGirl · 08/12/2020 22:15

Unbelievably I was asked this by the HR lady at work when I returned from a week of sick leave following a missed miscarriage that needed an ERPC. I was mid- thirties, married and with a 2 1/2 year old DD. I was so shocked that she asked, I didn't know what to say other than yes. She then followed it up with "I don't imagine you'll try again now then?"! Shock

I really shouldn't have been surprised when they then notified me I was being made redundant when I went in for a KIT day two weeks before my planned return from mat leave when I subsequently had a successful pregnancy.

I found out a couple of years later that the HR lady was expecting. I kept hoping I'd bump into her in town so I could ask her if it was planned.

mopphead · 08/12/2020 22:53

Yep I was asked this by a fair few collegues. So rude. I work in a competitive field and perhaps this is me projecting but it felt like they were trying to catch me out, like they were asking me 'did you plan on fucking up your career or too incompetent to use contraception right?' I was so shocked the first time I answered by saying "We're not stupid we know where babies come from" and they looked at me like I was the rude one. I actually kept up this response, in a jokey tone. Someone on here suggested the raised eyebrow, incredulous tone "Are you really asking me if the condom split?" Which I loved.

Skysblue · 08/12/2020 23:43

Only very rude people ask this. World contains a lot of them unfortunately.

Beamur · 08/12/2020 23:46

Incredibly rude.
Also what my MIL said...

HeddaGarbled · 08/12/2020 23:47

I think it’s just idle small talk, isn’t it? Like “how are you?” They don’t really want the details.

FirstOfficerDouglas · 09/12/2020 00:26

HeddaGarbled - is right - usually just small talk.
No-one really cares about other peoples' pregnancies. You say "congratulations" and then that's it. (And are then accused of not being interested). What else can you say? "Oooh When's it due? Was it a surprise? Do you wnat a boy or a girl? Are you excited?" etc etc . People really don't care but feel they are expected to repsond with interest to any "announcement". But really - how interested can you be?

adogisforlife91 · 09/12/2020 10:05

I think it's rude but not meant in a rude way, just they cant think of anything else to say.
On the flip side, when we told family DP kept saying 'It was planned, by the way'
Like, HI FAMILY WE'VE BEEN HAVING SEX A LOT TO HAVE A BABY. I think he was nervous but did have to tell him that's a bloody weird thing to say!

HitthatroadJack · 09/12/2020 10:17

There are many other things you can ask if you want to make small talks.

If someone tells you they are getting married, even if you don't care, you don't ask them "are you pregnant" either

Dinosauraddict · 09/12/2020 10:19

I was only asked this once (also by someone at work who I didn't know very well) my response was 'no, it's the outcome of a lot of expensive infertility treatment' - that shut them up! Grin

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.