'Was it planned'

[HeyDW96]

Is it okay for people's first question when they find out you're expecting to be 'was it planned?'

I actually find this question extremely irritating and intruding! I get it from work colleagues (who aren't friends) a lot! I didn't mind my family asking too much but I don't really want to share the conception circumstances of our first child with people I merely work with.

Am I the only one that wouldn't ask someone this!?

Yes - were you?

I still get asked this by new people when they realise my DD is now 10. I’m 34 and my friends have only just started having their firsts in the past year.

At the time, I’d answer ‘well it was a surprise’ to which they’d then ask the astoundingly weird ‘didn’t you consider abortion?’ I explained to every single one of them that until the moment I realised I was late, no one actually thought I would be able to have children, so no I wasn’t going to give up what, to this day, was my one chance. In fact it was precisely because of the reason that I thought I couldn’t have children that my contraception failed.

Been trying for six years now and not had one other pregnancy make it past seven weeks so my unplanned baby really is my little miracle and I wouldn’t change a thing!

My SIL asked us this! I was pretty surprised, we were 29 and 31 and had been married for nearly 2 years, a pregnancy announcement can't have been that unexpected lol!
She was polite about it, but we were just a bit surprised! I just said "er yes it was" and that was it!

We’ve been together 11 years and married 3, we got asked it all the time.

‘Years of trying, tests, scans, bloods and medications so you could say it was planned... yeah’

And they look a bit uncomfortable and I find it amusing

Yep, it's incredibly rude. I got a couple of "was it planned?" questions with DD1 (I was 25 when I fell pregnant), none with DS, but I had so many with DD2! A colleague actually said to me "you already have one of each, why on earth would you want a third?"

I think you do get some people who say it without thinking. I know in the past when I was younger I've just asked a question without thinking and then felt a bit embarrassed later thinking that I probably shouldn't have asked it.
It isn't like small talk as attached to that question can come judgement and invasion of privacy even if the person didn't mean to be like that.

There are also just nosey judgemental people who ask because they want to put someone down.

I think it is rude. I am not sure people hear themselves saying it though, so it is worth telling them, so they catch themselves in time for the next pregnant lady they meet.

I had this loads with my third baby. My other two were only 2 and 4 so people assumed the pregnancy wasn't planned, it very much was but even if it hadn't been I find it startlingly rude that people (and often people I barely know like colleagues) would make any comment other than 'congratulations'.

My other two children were also boys so I had nine months of people asking if we were having another one to 'get' a girl. People are idiots.

I always find it a bizarre question. It's personal but people seem to think it's ok to ask. I got asked this a lot with my first even though I'd been married for a few years, people seemed shocked to find out I was pregnant. Didn't have it the second time around though.

@SkySmiler

Yes - were you?

So rude.

This comes up regularly on MN. I think my favourite repartee was:

"no, I wanted anal but DH slipped"

but I don't think I could say it aloud!

My MIDWIFE asked the other day “did you mean to have them so close together?” They’re 20 months apart, so it’s not crazily unusual (or medically relevant)!

Mind you, she is queen of inappropriate comments - when I was in hospital with my 2 day old firstborn she clicked her tongue and said disapprovingly “you’re completely enamoured with her, aren’t you?”

I got this with dd, 7 year age gap between my kids. Was also told it was a strange age gap. They have no idea what happened in those 7 years.

" I don't know how it happened actually as we usually have anal"

Such an inappropriate and intrusive question - none of their business!

I think it's ok to ask are you pleased, and then congratulate or otherwise.

It's definitely quite rude although I wouldn't go as far to say it offends me. The guy who runs the corner shop asked me that when I told him I was pregnant. It's not something I'd ask another person unless we were very close.

I think it's very rude, by whoever's asking. I was married and 32 when my exH rang to tell his mother. That was her first comment

Really rude. I'd never ask it. Had suspicions at one point that one "surprise" child was more planned by the DM than was admitted, but would never have asked - and it was a surprise, as it turned out. Someone else asked! Still thought it was rude.

We have de-escalated but not completely dispensed with bc at present. We we're not ttc... but we could also be more careful. If I did find out I was expecting and someone asked me this, I don't think "sort of" would be a helpful (if accurate) answer...

@ivfbeenbusy

I think sometimes it's a knee jerk reaction to ask someone when they are young and unmarried? Especially when the person asking is of an older generation? I don't know any of my friends who were asked this who were in their 30s and married.

Not quite the same but I'm having twins and the first question always asked even by total strangers is "do twins run in the family" and then I feel obliged to tell them that no these are IVF babies which is divulging a lot more personal information than I would normally like to about the conception of these babies

I don’t think you need to divulge the ivf. You can just say no.

I often think to myself was it planned but definitely wouldn’t ask! Although I find quite a few people I know are pretty open about pregnancies not being planned.

When I told my boss (at the time) he asked me if it was congratulations or commiserations. I was like WTF. His next question was if I was keeping it. Wanker.

I never minded it. The answer was "sort of", "yes, we tried for a year", and "god no, I didn't even realise I was pregnant for ages and my husband went into meltdown when I did". I got offended about other things, though, it's just that this question didn't bother me.

My MIL asked this. We were married, had secure jobs, owned a home and in our early thirties. Seemed an extremely odd question given our circumstances.

My boss's boss at the time said "well done". Is that well done for having sex with your husband?

Mine are 10 years apart and I get "have they got different dads? " quite often. So rude and personal!! As a matter of fact they do but it's no one's business either way.