To Think My Parents Have No Idea What Life Is Really Like?

[GreenlandTheMovie]

for most people?

DM was a teacher, DF some kind of computer repair engineer but took early retirement at 50. Yes, 50. Never worked again. Both on final salary pension schemes.

They were moaning this week about how "poor" they are, because their pensions don't entitle them to more than index-linked increases to keep up with inflation, unlike people in salaried jobs who can get actual pay rises (I haven't had much of a pay rise in the last decade but theres no telling them). Apparently, they don't have enough money to "do the things they want" without using their savings.

The "things they want to do" include having a large holiday home in France where they normally decamp 6 months of the year, having a Carribbean cruise and a holiday to China last year, similar holidays in previous years, and running their 5 bedroom house. They have a nearly new luxury motorhome and 2 cars. They have also benefitted from 2 large inheritances from relatives dying.

Theres no telling them - apparently, life is very unfair and hard on pensioners like them and retiring at 50 is not at all unreasonable because of the way the company was run.

@jontyl

Every generation benefits from the actions of the previous. Yes we could afford to buy a house but we spent every last spare minute refurbishing and lived on wedding present furniture and second hand white goods. Todays young just want to move into new homes with all work done and a trip to IKEA. Bold one sided comment. Just like the original post. I've now retired but with a damaged shoulder/ damaged knee/ cancer and a heart valve. Do I not deserve to have some luxury. Incidentally, we give very generously to our 2 sons so they don't have to struggle so much. Leave the 'so called' boomers alone. It's like bullies in the school playground being treated like this by the young. Grow a pair. Step up to the plate and make your own way in the world with pride instead of grizzling like babies.

See that's the difference here. My Dad could easily help my brother and I but genuinely doesn't see a need despite us asking for help. Example: my brother got married mid October this year. Dad hasn't given them a wedding present because "he's waiting for them to ask for help buying a house". To be honest they could do with the money now given my sister in law has lost six months income. But he's oblivious to their debt problems as he sits in his £500k fully paid off house with £300k in investments.

Don't blame boomers for climate change. Youngsters up till this March regularly fly to europe for long weekends. Want everything new. We are vegans, rarely travel by plane and I planted 50 trees this year. Our car is electric and our electric is from renewables. What have you done. See what I did. Massive generalisations. Oh yes, boomers also played a big part in stopping the world being obliterated by nuclear weapons that were developed by the generations before us. Remember Greenpeace. Remember peace rallies. So do your part in reducing your carbon emissions. Do it now. Let us boomers get on with our lives in peace.

Todays young just want to move into new homes with all work done and a trip to IKEA. Bold one sided comment. Just like the original post

Did you read the OP? She was talking about her parents, how is that generalising?

@jontyl

Don't blame boomers for climate change. Youngsters up till this March regularly fly to europe for long weekends. Want everything new. We are vegans, rarely travel by plane and I planted 50 trees this year. Our car is electric and our electric is from renewables. What have you done. See what I did. Massive generalisations. Oh yes, boomers also played a big part in stopping the world being obliterated by nuclear weapons that were developed by the generations before us. Remember Greenpeace. Remember peace rallies. So do your part in reducing your carbon emissions. Do it now. Let us boomers get on with our lives in peace.

That's another one - I applaud you for deliberately choosing to drive an electric car. I can't because 1) can't afford them 2) there's nowhere to recharge it. I don't have a drive, I live on the busy A6. The nearest public car charger is a M1 service station about 15 minutes drive away.

As for reducing my emissions in other ways, I can't do anything to my home because I don't own it. I can avoid flying; I'm not sure how regularly you fly but for me for non business reasons it's been twice in five years (because my brother lives in NZ - one flight there, one flight back).

My parents are late 70s/80s and are comfortable on my Dads pension, which is more than I earned earlier in my career.

He is however regularly amazed by the price of property now compared to when they bought their first place. He often says that 3 times his (straight out of uni) salary got them a nice 3 bed detached house in the south - if you left uni now and were on say £25k, three times your salary would cover about half the price of a one bed flat in the same area - it fries his brain, and when he talks about it, it stresses him out worrying about the 'youngsters'.

It must depend on the SE because in 1984 my salary was £6250 (trainee lawyer -that would be £40,000 today for that particular job which I think has gone up more than inflation presumably to keep up with rising rents and house prices in London) and our first house cost £40,000 (outer London zone 5). The person in the same job today on £40k x 2 (we had to buy with two full time professional salaries before we had children) could buy the same house although a 5% deposit (or rather 2.5% each person) is £10k each person which they would have to save today.

When we first moved in and I had just had the baby (I went back to work full time when she was 2 weeks old) the midwife who came to the house after could not believe we owned it because in those days it was so expensive in London to buy and nurses were put up in large nurses homes as there was very little rented property. It wasn't some kind of past nirvana where everyone could afford to buy out here in London zone 5.

These remarks by some posters are completely ridiculous and making up nonsense. I don't want any help from my parents! I'm in a well paid professional job and own my own house (it's a 50s bungalow, not a new build)! And no it's not filled with new furniture - I'm not too proud to say I got a lot of stuff, including my kitchen units, second hand. My parents never help anyone financially and none of us expect it. It doesnt even occur to us, because we know it would never happen. I would be utterly embarrassed to ask them for anything, and I know that the answer would always be no. Thankfully, I don't need anything.

It's the strange near millionaire lifestyle they now lead juxtaposed with their constant claims to the on the breadline and demanding of free work from their children. They won't even pay for someone to come and cut their grass while they're in France or on holiday!

Their demands are increasing as they struggle to keep up a large period property in this country with a large elaborate garden when they're not usually here half the time, and one in France as well. But they won't downsize because they want to be able to choose their nursing home. I dont even know if this is true - that if you fund your nursing home fees from your own property, you get more choice. But thats what's in their heads.

None of it makes any sense for me and I now get really upset after every visit because of the things they say and the way they say them.

I am sorry. It sounds difficult but it is their money so in law they can do what they like with it. I think yes you can get into much better care homes if you can afford it although I would rather stay in my own house. My father spent the last of his life savings £130k on his day and night dementia care at home in his last year and he died just as he spent the last money and we children would have paid for more care at home after that for him had he lived. I think that is about double a care home but at least he got to die in his own house as he wanted. His lawyer said it is usually in NE England about £100k for full time at home dementia care so it was not too different from that.

Only 1 in 5 people need a nursing home so that is why it is quite a political hot potato as to who pays for it, state, individual etc Most people wont' need them but most of us don't know if w e will although my parents died in their 70s so it is probably unlikely I will live long and probably not likely I will need one.

My Grandparents do get how hard it is.

My Grandad constantly frets about the fact that I can't buy a house, because by my age they'd bought their forever home (which they're still in) and bought it outright. Doesn't understand how I cope with 3DC and no car (can't afford to run one), but I live close to a city centre that has fantastic public transport. He was speechless when I showed him my childcare bill (it was £1800 a month at its highest).

They married at 18 and spent till around 35 completely skint, counting every penny. Then my Grandad landed a job that a ridiculous amount of money - £15 an hour, which was a fortune back then and unfortunately still is now.

My Grandads mother was canny with money. Her mother was trapped in an abusive alcoholic husband, and she wanted to make sure she could leave a marriage should she want or need to. I only discovered this information when my ExH beat me senseless (first and only time) and she found out (she was in her 80s), turned up at my doorstep with several envelopes full of cash, and put me and my DC (not his, thank fuck) in her car and drove us to her house (a 5 bed house with large grounds).

I'd never have had the balls to leave if she hadn't turned up like she did. "I will not watch another generation of my family suffer at the hands of a fucking man" (never heard her swear before or after that!).

Fortunately she married a lovely man who she was happily married to for 40 years, and never needed her running away money. Her wealth went on spectacularly good end of life care.

Don't blame boomers for climate change.

Well re climate change I was responding to the platitude posted above that "every generation benefits from the actions of the previous". Its not necessarily true now and its not true in the past. Its the kind of reductionist/simple thinking I have grown to expect though.

For work, I belong to several sites on SM where people post lovely old photos. On virtually everyone, boomers look at the lovely old photo and then use it to say something completely irrelevant and crude comments about pathetic youngsters today. I've come to the conclusion that a lot of them - at least the ones on SM - are really nasty people.

I've also spoken to many about how things were so much better in the war - (They weren't alive in the war and have no understanding of anything about the war except for 'we won'). It comes across that they think all young people are shits while they are great.

It is interesting though looking at the spending habits of the various waves of graduates that have passed through my company over the years. There are definitely two camps, the first are the ones driving to work in a BMW/Merc, buy lunch and several coffees every day, have the latest smartphones/headphones, designer clothes and high end suits, enjoy ski trips and city breaks and rent in the smarter parts of town. It is clear that most of the above is on some kind of finance or credit card as I know what they earn, it is not bad money at all, but no way could it foot the above bill. Then we have the second group who drive a £600 ten year old Fiesta, make their own pack lunches, drink instant coffee, bought an entry level M&S suit, live in a cheaper part of town and just seem to be a bit more switched in financially. Its hardly surprising that it is the latter group who get on the property ladder in their late 20s and pay less on a mortgage then what the first group are paying to rent a room in flatshare in Putney.

t wasn't some kind of past nirvana where everyone could afford to buy out here in London zone 5.

Perhaps Z5 was more expensive but as some one born in & raised in S London, plenty of normal people owned property in Brixton, Mitcham, Tooting, Peckham, Raynes Park, Norwood, etc many with only 1 working parent in the 80s. My MIL earned 3k a yr (teacher) & bought her property alone for 10k (1k deposit from her parents). Those properties are 800k now.

And teachers don't earn 200k now.

GreenlandTheMovie I get that your DP seem to be a self satisfied rather selfish pair.However the fact that they have been frugal for many years before coming into an inheritance .Means that they have be en used to counting their pennies when younger ,and now expect you to do the same .I personally would share any money (and have) with my DC ,but no one can "expect"this or shouldnt do anyway.My DD attended a top Uni, and we spent money on her education .You sound as though you have done well too .I see your point ,but at the end of the day no one owes us anything really.Your DC may be well off financially ,but seem to be rather inward looking ,with few friends you say.Money isnt everything and I wonder if they are jealous of you, and your relative youth with a young family and your life ahead of you.Maybe accept they wont change and love them for who they are .Even if all you got was fed and clothed /Housed. This is a lot more than many poor children got (or indeed get even today)!

I live in an affluent area of London & even here most youngish people are frugal because that's the only option. Most people drive 2nd hand cars, a few have new cars on loans because that's sometimes a better deal. The only people I know in new houses with new furniture are those who did H2B because despite earning 80k they just couldn't save up the deposit fast enough.

what justgeton said.
Plus the expectation that you should give up your career to raise your children, only to then be told that you are too old to be employable and that you will get little or no pension because you haven’t worked enough years. Add in the fact that combining work and motherhood was only an option for people in very well paid jobs-I was a solicitor but my entire take home salary in the early 1990s would not have covered childcare- and you have a situation where you chose career and pension or children-OP and her generation!
OP thinks her parents ABU but then comments that they want to choose and finance their care home! Meaning they are taking financial responsibility for their future and not expecting OP or their siblings to be their carers-which is something that their generation would probably have done.
Every generation faces different challenges but human nature is just to consider what affects us directly

dottiedohdah my parents have been frugal for a number of years and now expect me to be the same? Where did this come from? Why do older posters keep making up this stuff?

I've been "frugal" all my life and always will be - thats why I own my own home (and because I've worked hard to have a well paid job). I'm actually now approaching the age that my dad died at and "frugality" is a way of bloody life!! As in I have a good standard of living BECAUSE I choose to drive an 8 year old car, have second hand stuff in my house and have only cheap holidays. Thars my choice - other people have different priorities, but my parents are financially spendthrift in a way that indicates they have never had to learn proper frugality. Ever.

My parents actually have very little interest in my life. They know very little about my adult life. They never ask and aren't interested in hearing. Their only conversation for years has consisted of talk about money and how they "struggle" to pay for their homes, vehicles and finance holidays.

I live in an affluent area of London & even here most youngish people are frugal because that's the only option

Well, surely a part solution is to move to a cheaper area? It might not be as twee and leafy but you can afford to rent. I live in SW London and work in Woking. The latter is not the prettiest of towns but it seems to have shops, night life and cheaper property and is a 25 min train ride to Waterloo. The frugal grads I mentioned above were happy to rent in the Woking area where you got a lot more bang for buck. It's not as trendy as Putney or Wimbledon where other grads were choosing to live but at least they could save a few quid.

Mary54 youre not a very good solicitor if you make up evidence - OP and her generation which "generation is that exactly, as I haven't stated mine? And if you managed to practice while being blissfully unaware of the existence of the Sex Discrimination Act 1975, the forerunner to the Equality Act or that the rules on sex discrimination have been around due to direct effect since 1972, or were too timid to challenge such outdated attitudes in the 1990s, then I do see why you struggled!

@DillonPanthersTexas I'm talking about people like myself who own. The people who rent where I live are much richer than me as their rent is 3 times my mortgage.

Plus any grads I know who rent are renting a room in a house share.

Even for those who do rent I'm not sure why Londoners aren't entitled to want to try & stay in their hometown. They are no different to those in Cornwall, etc who get pushed out of owning. Plus a large % of the capitals population are 2nd gen immigrants (like myself) &/or from a diverse background so many don't have links to other parts of the country or feel they don't fit in there.

GreenlandThe Movie .Sorry I didnt mean you were not frugal .Just that older people can have this mindset is all.(BTW not that old only in my 50s here you know!) Sometimes as the saying goes "We can choose our friends ,but not our relations" is very true!If you dont mind me saying so they sound rather smug ,but as they get older will likely need some sort of care package, and you may be grateful they have taken this to task.Older people can become very selfish as they age and inward looking .We have friends who are millionaires ,and still dont "feel rich" as they have friends wealthier than them FFS! As a friend says everyone thinks they are poor! Its human nature to always want more .If they are not interested in your life that seems very sad to me ,but its their loss .Are your Husbands family more involved? Perhaps focus on them /your Siblings /Friends instead .

@Greenlandthemovie

The Sex Discrimination Act etc did nothing to change solicitors' pay in small, rural towns. I know for a fact that I was paid the same as my male colleagues.

They also had no effect on my family or DH's attitudes!

Neither of which mean I was not a good solicitor or that I am 'making up evidence!' I am merely relating my experience of that time: Gross pay £10,000 p.a. vs. childcare £250 p.w.

As for your generation, you suggested that your parents were still very active in terms of travel etc, so I made a very (un-solicitor like ) guess that they are probably in their 70s, putting you in your 40s. My apologies if they, and you, are older....

Apologies to pps too - im getting frustrated by the huge number of posters who assumed I was in my twenties, on the breadline and expecting handouts from my parents.

I'm also upset because I always feel like this after I've visited them, and had to sit through hours of their boasting about the deficiencies of their past motor home and how the new one is better, or how their Carribean cruise weather was slightly disappointing... And then the moaning about how they don't get pay rises on their pensions, lije people in jobs, and are virtually as poor as people on benefits.

I think they are very much afraid of becoming inform, so are throwing cash around to get as many experiences as possible. But they have had so many years of retirement already. They have had experiences for 2 decades that most people now will never have, and many of their own generation haven't either. Yet they are still moaning. Nothing is ever enough for them. They are just so entitled. MIL even got us to pay for one of her exotic holidays as it was one of those sponsored charity trips. She literally demanded £250 from each of us, plus support ie buying stuff from her few attempts at fundraising. Of course we all refused and have her £50 each, and she still moans about how she had to pay for most of it herself because we are mean!