AIBU to stop buying present for an 'adult' child?

[RainbowLily1]

I have always bought a birthday/christmas gift for my nephew, but he is now aged 22 and in full time employment. Whilst I don't begrudge buying him a gift at all, we never communicate during the year, he doesn't participate in the family group text chat and he doesn't usually acknowledge the gift even with a quick thank you text. My brother has just texted me to pass on a gift suggestion from my nephew of what he'd like for me for this Christmas and I must admit to feeling a little scratchy that he communicates only when he wants something. Should I just buy as usual and not rock the boat? I don't want to cause upset and can afford a gift but we have stopped buying for adult employed children on the other side of the family. I wouldn't know how to word it nicely so any suggestions would be gratefully received!

I would stop buying on the basis that he doesn’t ever acknowledge or thank you. My aunt and uncle bought me gifts until I had DC (now they just buy for them) and I’ve always bought them presents back since leaving home at 19.
I think I would just say that you’ve stopped buying gifts for nieces and nephews now they are adults.

It’s fine to stop. I’d politely explain that I won’t be buying for adult ‘children’ as he’s turned 21 and that’s more of an ‘adults exchanging gifts’ thing, and you wouldn’t want him to feel obliged.

Does he buy you a gift? I think gift giving stops at 18nunless it becomes reciprocal (not necessarily equal in value but a token something).

That's really helpful thank you both.

Does he buy you a gift , if the answer to that is no then it’s perfectly reasonable to stop . Our adult children are the only children in the family but they buy for their aunts / uncle and the one gran that is left and hence all the relatives still buy for them .

No, he doesn't buy me a gift in return, whereas I do exchange gifts with my brother and his wife. I agree that an agreement between adults to do reciprocal gifts is good, but surely now he is an adult he should join the adult 'rules'!

I agree with above. Gift giving becomes reciprocal by 18 or stops. No adult should be receiving gifts off another adult without reciprocating.

Yes, he should. But it takes time to realise this, and probably he will end up exchanging with his own siblings rather than his auntie. I’d just tell DB gently that there won’t be a gift this year.

I think you should stop buying for adult children.

My SIL’s DD is 24, in full time employment and lives at home. She probably has more disposable income than we do! So she won’t be getting a present this year.

@flaviaritt

It’s fine to stop. I’d politely explain that I won’t be buying for adult ‘children’ as he’s turned 21 and that’s more of an ‘adults exchanging gifts’ thing, and you wouldn’t want him to feel obliged.

Yes this!

Does your brother buy gifts for your children? (If you have them?)

I’m much more direct than most of you. I’d tell my brother that previous gifts haven’t been appreciated enough for them even to get a thank you so I’d decided not to bother any more.

In my family gifts stop at age 21, we are a big family so gets expensive fast if buying for everyone. There are only 2 left under that age from my generation (I am 26). For the past 4 years we have also ran a Secret Santa for the Aunts, Uncles, and cousins, everyone gets a gift but only have to spend £10.

He’s very cheeky. I stopped buying for nieces & nephews when they were in employment. It’s a bit silly buying for adults as though they are 5

If he doesn’t buy you a gift back or even thank you I’d stop, that’s really rude to pass on a gift idea when he’s not even been grateful in the past

I used to send presents for my cousins kids but stopped after realising they were never acknowledged

Most of my aunts and uncles have stopped buying for me, except my mum's one sister. She (like my mum) has two adult children, and my mum buys her two children a gift, and she buys me and my sister gifts. This year DH got a bit funny and said we needed to send her a gift - I had to explain that is not 'the system', although I always send her a card and do usually take her small edible gift in normal years when we see her. To be honest, I'd rather the whole gift thing stopped, but it's between my mum and her sister, so I'm not saying anything.

I really hate it when young people (not little kids - that’s their parents’ fault) don’t say thanks!

I think sending a gift suggestion for their 22 year old is really rude! I would also stop buying for adult nephews that don’t reciprocate (or even acknowledge).

If the present suggestion is your DB's idea, he's a CF. If it's your DN's then he's the CF. Either way, a text in return to say that now DN is working, you'll just be buying him a small minding from now on. The no gift in return I could forgive, but to not even sent a text to acknowledge your present is not on.

I'd say you can stop because he doesn't ever say thank you. Life will be easier all round if you just get him a token though; a set of socks / bottle of wine / set of chilli sauces.

Yes, my brother buys for my daughter, who is of primary school age. I'm pleased to see it's a widespread rule about stopping at age 18-21!
Very reassuring

He really should say, "Thank you", it doesn't take long to send that.

Presents for adult relatives and friends of children usually tail off at about his age or even younger.

It's easier to bung some cash in an envelope than buy a gift and often more appreciated, especially by a boy. However if you want to stop, do so. Nobody will mind. It is a bit awkward this year as brother has contacted you with a suggestion though.

Once children have left full-time education we stop presents unless they start buying presents too.

When I stopped buying for my adult nephews and nieces, she stopped buying for mine who were 16 and 12. Her eldest was about ten years older than mine, so it felt a bit hard!

Ignore the suggestions and buy him an ‘improving’ book of your choice, one of the classics maybe. Couple of quid, and maybe he’ll learn something from it