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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family don't want to see my DC over Christmas

90 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 13:06

I probably am being unreasonable but this has pissed me of and I'd like to vent!

I'm seperated from.my DC's father. We have an arrangement where I have the DC over Christmas and on 27th he takes them to his uncle's house and his mum is there too.

This year due to Covid they don't want to see the DC. And of course that's their perogative. The thing is my DS has had Covid (mildly) and I expect my DD has had it too without symptoms (of course I don't know). Surely they are more at risk of passing it on to each other (uncle, grandmother and DC's dad) as none of them have had it. It just feels like an excuse for them to not have to bother with the DC. Just like the excuse the DC's grandmother has had since August to not let the DC round to her house - there is a leak in the bathroom apparently! Generally the DC's dad's family don't bother with them much which is probably why it has annoyed me! Well, their loss, I guess!

OP posts:
ClaireP20 · 07/12/2020 15:26

[quote UndertheCedartree]@Stradivari - well yes, I know I'm being unreasonable really. It would be nice if it was 'We're upset about it but we've decided not to see the DC - we would have loved to see them' kind of thing. And of course if they weren't seeing anyone but they are mixing with the people more likely to pass on Covid to each other. And if they do it'll pass back into my family when their dad comes over![/quote]
This is a good point - they could have said 'we'll drive by and drop pressies off and wave on the doorstep etc'. But they just sound...well, not that bothered. Awful really, your kids sound lovely. Now mine..I could completely understand...they can be a bloody nightmare and don't sit still, but yours sound like heaven! Xxx

wildraisins · 07/12/2020 15:42

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Yabu.

The rules are that no one should be mixing after the 27th. So the usual routine would be breaking the law.

As long As the dc get some time with their father over the Christmas period o think that's all you can critique.

This law doesn't apply to children with separated parents - they can move freely between the two homes.
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 15:51

@myhobbyisouting - yes, they are concerned about themselves getting it. That is also why the DC couldn't go over to grandma's house atall during the first lockdown. Then she happily stayed in a hotel room with DD but then still couldn't have the DC over atall because of a leak. I'm not worried about them passing it on to the DC - I'm worried (slightly) about them passing it on to the DC's dad and him passing it onto my DP or even me (but I survived it last time so hopefully would again!)

OP posts:
Stantons · 07/12/2020 15:58

Do OP and her ex count as 2 households? I know the kids don't but if he is going to her house is that two of his three?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 16:05

@Belladonna12 - next time uncle who is in his. 40s will see them is next Christmas and Grandma in 50s may or may not see them in April around their birthdays so no, not a couple of months. They are happy to 'risk their lives' working around lots of people and mixing at Christmas with others. I actually am vulnerable and them mixing and then me having to have DC's dad over here so he can see his DC at Christmas time puts me at potential risk of catching it again. But I'm willing to take that risk - I survived last time so hopefully would again!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 16:06

And obviously that is their choice which is why I get that ultimately I am being unreasonable!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 16:09

@tallduckandhandsome - I guess they think the DC could catch it (again at least in DS case) and pass it to them. But of course adults can also pass it on so not sure why this is just aimed at the DC.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 16:20

@LindaEllen - well their plans mean having to have DC's dad here on 27th if he is to see the DC atall over Christmas. So yes, their plans mean they could potentially pass Covid to us. But that wouldn't cross their mind to think they could put us at risk. A video call is not possible. I bought a Echo show for the purpose but Grandma won't allow it as it 'spies on you'. The DC's dad could use his phone but again they won't have anything to do with that as I'll be there - she would probably object to even just the DC's dad doing it atall. But it's fine as the DC aren't used to seeing him over Christmas itself - they will see him on the 27th as usual as I am facilitating that. I'm not causing any drama except in my own head!! It won't really be strange for them tbh. They usually see my parents at beginning of December (not seen them for over a year now which is hard) and Dad, Grandma and Uncle on 27th but they will still see Dad which is the main thing. 24th-26th will be exactly the same for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 16:27

@testingtesting321 - except it affects me and increases my risk. Obviously they can and will do as they like but things we do affects others too. It is not just as simple to say I feel it is too risky for me to see my grandchildren but fine for me to be around lots of people at work and to mix at Christmas and that's that. I guess it is just their usual not really thinking about anyone else and just doing what they want all the time. It would be nice if they thought about the risk to others and didn't mix at Christmas. Luckily we have no plans to see any of our family or we would have had to cancel that in order to be able to have the DC's dad over. It just triggered feelings around that...but it's my issue and I'll have to deal with it.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 16:29

@Nanny0gg - well, exactly that's the difference - you are bothered, they aren't.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 16:32

@megletthesecond - we're not seeing family, either. They are though - just not the DC. So that then means the DC's dad could pass Covid to us. And they won't see them in the New year. Will be Christmas again for Uncle and maybe Spring/Summer to see Grandma.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 16:36

@ItsCovidOutThereThisChristmas - it would definitely be within the guidelines. I am not breaking any guidelines. I've not seen my parents for over a year and not seeing them at Christmas. We are not seeing anyone except now DC's dad on 27th. His family are mixing, however but within the rules.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 16:37

It's been good picking this apart. I think it has triggered those feelings in me around them not caring much about the DC and not caring about me atall.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 16:39

@ClaireP20 - yes it is a shame. But really they're never going to change Sad

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 16:46

@ClaireP20 - they have their moments - believe me! They usually give the DC a present when they go over on 27th but as they are not seeing them have just given money for them. Again it just feels a bit like they're not actually thinking it would be nice for the DC to have a present from them so they know they're still thinking of them. It seems like they enjoy giving the DC a prresent and as they won't have that enjoyment they haven't bothered. Aaah....there is so much more to this than just Covid and I didn't even realise til I started this post!

OP posts:
Homemadearmy · 07/12/2020 16:46

I would find it hurtful to op. My ex mi decided not to see my children when we split up. I gave her a couple of options and she wasnt interested. It's been 12 years and sometimes it still hurts. Mainly I'm of the opinion that it's her lost.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 16:49

@Stantons - yes, I believe so. If DC were going to Uncle's they would have been in their Christmas bubble. But as DC's dad is coming here - he will count as another household we are mixing with. We are not seeing anyone else so ok on our side. DC's dad lives with his mum so he is just mixing with Uncle and us as his 2 other households.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 16:57

@Homemadearmy - that would be very hurtful. At least for my DC their dad's family have never been that interested. It didn't just happen when we split. Having said that their Grandma now refuses to see me point blank (and I didn't do anything like have an affair or anything!) so refuses to come to the DC's party or birthday meal. But yeah, her loss!

OP posts:
ktp100 · 07/12/2020 17:25

In the midst of a global pandemic, Grandparents staying away from GC is pretty common.

Stop taking everything personally.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 17:51

@ktp100 - well if I get Covid again (or my family) then yeah it will be pretty personal! My DC's wellbeing also pretty personal to me!

OP posts:
PaulaPennyfeather · 07/12/2020 17:52

YABU. Don’t make this into a ‘thing’, for god’s sake.

Belladonna12 · 07/12/2020 18:15

[quote UndertheCedartree]@Belladonna12 - next time uncle who is in his. 40s will see them is next Christmas and Grandma in 50s may or may not see them in April around their birthdays so no, not a couple of months. They are happy to 'risk their lives' working around lots of people and mixing at Christmas with others. I actually am vulnerable and them mixing and then me having to have DC's dad over here so he can see his DC at Christmas time puts me at potential risk of catching it again. But I'm willing to take that risk - I survived last time so hopefully would again![/quote]
They could see them in a couple of months though. If they don't bother even when vaccinated then that would be an issue, not the fact they haven't seen them this Christmas.
You keep saying that they are mixing with others at the moment but it seems a bit odd that you would know exactly what they doing. Do you mean that they are breaking the rules and mixing with other household indoors?
I don't think you are risking catching it again by seeing the DC's dad, if you have just had it (if it was recent), but even if you were it's a bit much to expect grandparents to do the same. My parents don't want to see their grandchildren this Christmas and I totally respect that.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 07/12/2020 18:20

OP YABU 🙄 Lots of us not seeing family. Doesn't mean we don't love them. The 5 day rule over xmas is a load of shit. Not risking my elderly grandparents.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 07/12/2020 18:24

My kids haven't seen their nan (my own mum) for absolute months and we will not be seeing her over xmas. Because theres a pandemic.

Justcallmebebes · 07/12/2020 18:30

I don't think yabu. If they are pretty disinterested it hurts