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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family don't want to see my DC over Christmas

90 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 13:06

I probably am being unreasonable but this has pissed me of and I'd like to vent!

I'm seperated from.my DC's father. We have an arrangement where I have the DC over Christmas and on 27th he takes them to his uncle's house and his mum is there too.

This year due to Covid they don't want to see the DC. And of course that's their perogative. The thing is my DS has had Covid (mildly) and I expect my DD has had it too without symptoms (of course I don't know). Surely they are more at risk of passing it on to each other (uncle, grandmother and DC's dad) as none of them have had it. It just feels like an excuse for them to not have to bother with the DC. Just like the excuse the DC's grandmother has had since August to not let the DC round to her house - there is a leak in the bathroom apparently! Generally the DC's dad's family don't bother with them much which is probably why it has annoyed me! Well, their loss, I guess!

OP posts:
sonjadog · 07/12/2020 13:59

I think if they were normally interested and eager to see your kids, this wouldn't be an issue as you would accept it is covid-related. But as they are normally fairly disinterested, it has reminded you of how annoyed you are about it all. So YABU, but it is understandable why you feel that way.

Indecisivelurcher · 07/12/2020 14:02

Ah! So sodding complicated isn't it. For what it's worth, I think they suck. At least you know. I'm sure you're dc will have a lovely Christmas at home with you!

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 14:05

@myhobbyisouting - sorry don't understand what you mean? DC's dad, grandma and great uncle are all mixing for Christmas. Then DC's dad will come here on 27th passing on anything he may have caught from uncle. Hopefully uncle won't have Covid but it could happen.

@Requinblanc - I suppose I just feel it is nice for them to know a couple of their dad's family. They don't see anyone else of his family. As I have said they are good with the DC when they see them they're just not bothered in general about seeing them - I don't know why! But anyway they'll be with the people who love them the most over the Christmas period so all good.

OP posts:
Changethetoner · 07/12/2020 14:07

Are you bothered about the children not seeing their family, or about yourself not getting a break when they do? I'm assuming you will/would not normally be present when the DC visit the uncle.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 14:07

@sonjadog - thank you
@Indecisivelurcher - I know so confusing! Thank you.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 07/12/2020 14:08

How the kids see this, will depend on how you frame this.

Simply saying 'unfortunately we can't see them because covid and they are taking extra precautions' is something thats very reasonable and you should be able to explain to kids without them getting upset.

The rest of this, is just about you and nothing to do with anyone else. Its perfectly reasonable this year to decline to see school children especially if you are older / have underlying health conditions.

Your expectation that they MUST see your kids otherwise they somehow are being selfish or don't love your kids is off the scale bonkers under the circumstances.

LobsterRavioli · 07/12/2020 14:09

In the same boat.

I've said to IL's we can drop presents off and wave through the window.

They have said no to that also.

Shell7272 · 07/12/2020 14:09

Yanbu op,my children’s grandparents on both sides make any excuses not to see ours whenever they can,they’re just not maternal/paternal at all,it does hurt a bit but I guess I’ve sort of accepted it now.

Cygne · 07/12/2020 14:09

You're basing this on a total assumption that your children might have had Covid and might not be infectious. But you don't know that, and nor do they. YABU.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 14:10

@Changethetoner - I think it is just I wish they wanted to see them. And I'm not going to lie - yes, I do look forward to the breaks I get but not overly bothered about 27th because we'll be on holiday and relaxing not having to do the usual rushing around!

OP posts:
myhobbyisouting · 07/12/2020 14:16

Well I think I read it wrong as I was assuming they are concerned about the risk TO the uncle from the children. Not the other way around?

I don't really understand why you'd be worried about them passing the virus on to your children when you say your children have already had the virus.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 14:17

@RedToothBrush - it would have been nice if there was an 'unfortunately' attached but their wasn't. The DC are fine - they don't see them enough to care if it'll be another year til they see uncle or another 6 months til they see grandma or whatever. They have no underlying health conditions and neither are old. As explained it's not about just this year it's about them in general not being that bothered. They are still mixing with each other when I feel (obviously this is unreasonable) that my DC are less likely to pass it on than they are due to us having already had Covid.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 14:19

@LobsterRavioli - it's not a nice feeling is it? I can guarantee if I suggested this it would be a 'no' too.

OP posts:
LobsterRavioli · 07/12/2020 14:22

@UndertheCedartree it just boggles the mind.

Especially when I know they are going to the supermarket, garden centres and renovating their local club and mixing with friends.

Belladonna12 · 07/12/2020 14:27

I think a lot of the grandparents don't want to see their grandchildren this Christmas. They know they've been at school and are more likely to have been infected. Many will be getting vaccinated soon and they want to avoid infection in the meantime. I wouldn't take the fact that they don't want to risk their lives to see your children now rather than in a couple of months personally.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 14:46

@Shell7272 - I think this has just triggered those hurt feelings in me. I usually feel I've accepted it. Thank you I feel more at peace now I've worked that out!

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 07/12/2020 14:48

Why are they using Covid as an excuse? Surely your DC would have recovered AND completed 10 days quarantine by Christmas Day?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/12/2020 14:48

@Cygne - yes, it's true. I know I definitely had Covid so when DS had a sore throat and loss of smell/taste at the same time I'm pretty sure he had it. But obviously less sure that DD had it asymptomatically.

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 07/12/2020 14:51

Just for this year, you are absolutely being unreasonable to pick fault with people's plans.

I think this year, we need to let people cope however they feel able, and be accepting of their plans (unless they're planning to visit you and you don't want that - in which case you should say, and the acceptance should come from them).

Explain to the children that you need to carry on keeping them safe, do the video call thing etc.

This year will be strange, but there's no need to cause drama by complaining about what they choose to do.

I think the relaxed rules are bonkers myself. Wait for a vaccine!

testingtesting321 · 07/12/2020 15:02

I think YABU.

Everyone has a different acceptance of risk. It's a shame for your DC that the family have decided not too see them but you need to accept that they feel it is too risky, even though your perception of that risk is different.

I would love to see my family over Christmas but have decided not to - I have a family member who is ECV and I have 2 DC and work in a patient facing role for the NHS. Whilst they are still happy to see us, I would never forgive myself if any of us gave them COVID and made them seriously unwell, so I'm not going.

I have to make the decision that I feel ok with, and that's what your family have done in this case too - assessed their own risk and what they are ok with. It's not up to anyone else to criticise that.

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2020 15:05

[quote UndertheCedartree]@FestiveChristmasLights - I guess that's what annoys me - they wouldn't 'love' to be together. But they could be together. I'd love to see my family but are seeing none - I've not seen my mum for over a year and am missing her so much. If I could see my family I'd jump at the chance so them not being bothered just seems unfair in a way.[/quote]
Bothered?

I'm not seeing any of my family at Christmas because it would be stupid this close to getting vaccinated.

I'm very bothered. But we're being sensible

megletthesecond · 07/12/2020 15:07

Yabu I'm afraid. We aren't seeing family because the dc's have been at school.

The five day window is daft though. You'd be safer isolating and waiting until new year.

ItsCovidOutThereThisChristmas · 07/12/2020 15:21

We haven't seen my husband's mother since Christmas last year. She lives 6 hours away from us, doesn't have a computer or smart phone and is terrified about the virus. We won't be seeing her over Christmas.

I think YABU. What you were suggesting is very unlikely to fall within the guidelines and also I think that there is going to be a surge in cases as a result of people breaking the rules and generally mixing.

ItsCovidOutThereThisChristmas · 07/12/2020 15:22

I should say it is at her choice that we haven't seen her for this long

ClaireP20 · 07/12/2020 15:23

Your child, being part of a seperated family, would automatically be in your ex partner's bubble. So all those saying households shouldn't mix - well if the ex is seeing his mum then the child could go to. I think it is a real shame they don't want to see and spoil your child. X