To think my friend is being unpleasant?

[nadila]

I'm a single woman and my best friend is too.

She gets very involved with people after (and even before!) one date. For example, putting time aside to see them even before they actually have plans, prioritising them even though they barely know each other, becoming a little obsessive about them. It's somewhat of a pattern and can be a little silly but I always handle this with patience and care as her big heart is what makes her so lovely.

I've recently met someone I'm really excited about. My approach is much more tempered than hers but it's nice to talk about it and to speculate about whether it might turn into something serious. We've been on 8 dates and things do feel quite promising.

My friend (who currently isn't dating anyone) does not appear remotely happy for me. She's snappy, makes hurtful comments ('I hope he turns out to be a good one but let's be honest, it could fall apart by next week') and gives advice that is so wildly at odds with the way she conducts her own dating life. Any mention of him (which I keep to a minimum) is met with a snide comment or her opinion, presented as fact, about how I should be behaving or feeling.

She's usually my go-to person for anything but every mention of it is met with such disdain that I don't even want to talk to her at the moment.

I've spent so many hours over the last 5 years listening to her obsess over men she barely knew and forgiving her for cancelling plans with me to see them (which is not something I'd even consider the other way around) and I'm really hurt by her reaction to my potential relationship.

I'm not remotely confrontational but I'm also a reasonably intelligent person and can clearly see the fact that there is an enormous dose of hypocrisy and self-projection going on here and I'm extremely hurt and angry.

How do I approach this? I haven't had to deal with her in this way before. It's really putting a dampener on my enjoyment of her company.

I'm tempted to reply Crikey! That's pretty unkind...Let's just change the subject shall we?

I'd be distancing myself slightly and be a little cooler. I'd she's intelligent she'll hopefully realise she's damaging her relationship with you with this snippy attitude.

basically sounds like a one -sided relationship.
i would just edge away from her.
don't confide in her. keep conversations brief, be busy.
don't meet.
and certainly don't give her anymore room to earbash you with all her drama.
we live and learn.

Alex - the problem is that in every other part of our friendship she's utterly wonderful. She's so kind and giving and I adore her.

There are two issues here that I'm struggling with though - the fact she is generally unwilling to be happy for me and the hypocrisy.

The fact she's not super happy for me is disappointing but manageable.

The hypocrisy, on the other hand is a lot harder to swallow. I've indulged her talking about potential holiday plans with a man she's met once, but have to accept that she rolls her eyes if I even utter the name of the man I'm dating.

Is she jealous?

Given her ways, I'm honestly surprised that you're surprised.

She seems to be someone with deep-rooted relationship issues and you'd do much better to never mention your relationship to her.

Why would you spend time with someone like this? That honestly confuses me.

Personally, I avoid problematic people. As an adult, you have the gift of experienced - it's better to be around people who are level-headed and emotionally stable.

She's jealous. By the way she behaves she sounds like someone who is desperate to be in a long-term relationship.

Sometimes people have a specific trigger point which makes it hard for them to be their usual generous selves.

If you value all the other parts of your friendship with her then be patient and compartmentalise that bit.

Has she met him? Is there any chance that anything you’ve said about him raises red flags to her?

Atlas - no she hasn't and I've not said much about him so there's definitely nothing she could dislike.

Cabin - I think you are correct. I think I will just stop discussing this with her. She does have a very unhealthy approach to dating, which is makes it all the harder to hear her 'expert' pessimistic views. I love her so I wouldn't stop being friends with her but I agree I will compartmentalise and stop discussing this with her.

Hi Op

Your long friend Attitude is a Classic Case of the Green eyed monster
Your friend is envious jealous as hell and not very good at hiding it.

That's where snide negative comments she your friend can't handle it you Op might could have met someone who could be really good for you.

Basically its her problem your friend is struggling to get her head around the idea you might/could have met someone good better for you.

My advice is if your friend is not able to regulate her feelings of jealousy and she often/constantly has to be negative towards you about your new ish relantship.

You need to seriously Consider is she worth carrying on being your friend, as at the moment she certainly not being like a good enough friend is she.!

Fade you friend out of your life if she Carry's on like this, even if she has been a long term friend
I suspect your friend secretly enjoy it when any of relantships did not work out for you,past.

As she prefers you to be her go to personal therapist,it sounds like she is very, needy and self centred childish/ insecure and needs to be self centred.
She your friend does not like it you as her friend is not there for her on demand at her beck and call.

Basically there is imbalance dynamic in friendship, it sounds very one sided.

You Op do most/All giving and gaurentee your friend does taking/using (does this sound familiar to you in any way?

Also make sure you focus your attention on keeping in touching with your other friends that are good for you in whatever way that poss in Lockdown.

So you feel more secure,less need to rely on her opinions of so called envious selfish/child woman female friend of yours..

I think if it was me, I'd have to say something - like "I don't understand why you're so rude about this guy, when I've always been happy for you when you're dating."
If compartmentalising can work for you, tho, that's good.

Hi Op
Your friend is basically envious, that with this new relantship your new man could well be "the one"
Good marriage potential for you..

And she your so called friend is not happy with you being happy in this way in.
As it highlights, emphathis how shit her pattern/history of relantships are with men.
She feels inadequate/insecure and emotionally threatened .

Please don't start feeling sorry for her ,she is extremly manipulative she is grown up adult person she needs to grow up be mature, she needs suck it up
Its ok to feel a bit jealous as we are all Human but as a friend you don't go out of your way to project/inflict your own insecurities/emotional baggage/shit on to your friend who has allways been there as a good friend for her..

She your friend is being at moment a no good shit friend.

Its her personal issue to work on.
Personally myself I would have a think is she really good enough anymore ??
As this friendship just its course
Or was it just a friendship in which I was been used/taken advantage, in a kindness is a weakness kind of attitude..

One thing Covid 19 has taught us,about our own mortality.

why waste your time with people who don't have our best interests at heart/who drag us down to make themselves feel better etc.?

I'm wondering if you could gently call her on it; ask her straight? Eg:

"You sound upset, would you rather I didn't talk about him?"

You may say she's wonderful and how much you adore her, but you also recognise that 90% of the friendship has been all about her, and now is time to put some of the spotlight on you, she can't hack it.

It's a pattern of behaviour that has become so entrenched over the period of your friendship, it's going to be hard to get her to see that friendship is a two way exchange not a one sided monologue.

Is she a possessive friend, OP? Just asking because my best friend behaved similarly when I met my current boyfriend. She's in a LTR and when I split from my long term partner she was so supportive. Really encouraged me to get back out there, wanted to know all the juicy details about my dating life etc then as soon as I'd had my second date with my current boyfriend and it became clear I really liked him and that there was potential for us to be a good match she just didn't want to know anymore. Like your friend, she would say really negative things and seemed almost disappointed that things were going well for me. When I thought about it I realised she'd always been possessive of me since we were teens and this was probably an extension of that. My previous LTR was so crap that she didn't feel threatened, same with all the bad dates I had while single. She has behaved similarly when I've met new friends over the years.

I haven't brought it up with her, I just quickly stopped speaking about my bf unless she brought him up. Tbh, it has badly impacted our relationship from my side as I'm hurt because when she met her partner 5/6 years ago I was supportive and spent hours and hours joining in with all the usual excited discussions you have when your best friend meets a potential keeper.

If it's not a possessiveness of you then I would say that other PP's are right that she's jealous because you're experiencing what she really desires for herself. It's a shame but you do get friends that are only happy when you're down and don't like it when life sends you a bit of good luck.

Like PP I suspect that your promising new situation has exposed her desperation for a relationship and she is plunged into insecurity abd jealousy.

She may also be feeling that if you are making a go of it, she will lose you as an ally in The Search For the One. And your current success emphasises, for her, her serial short lived dates.

I think it is reasonable to gently point out her double standards or let her know that it upsets you when she responds as she does.

@daisychain01

You may say she's wonderful and how much you adore her, but you also recognise that 90% of the friendship has been all about her, and now is time to put some of the spotlight on you, she can't hack it.

It's a pattern of behaviour that has become so entrenched over the period of your friendship, it's going to be hard to get her to see that friendship is a two way exchange not a one sided monologue.

Daisy is right.

This friendship isn't great, I'm afraid. I've experienced something similar. That friend of yours is chronically jealous of you and quite toxic. I honestly think you should start weaning yourself off her. But also yes worth calling it - tell her directly that her attitude feels hurtful. I think she'll say she's trying to protect you by being realistic. But actually she's envious.

the fact she is generally unwilling to be happy for me and the hypocrisy.

I don't see how a friendship can be wonderful now that you know these characteristics are there in the other person

She sounds desperate for a man and you have just snared a good one, she is not going to be 'super happy'. She almost certainly sees your new relationship as promising too, and is worried about losing you and ending up on her own.

In this instance I would be kind, and compassionate. She is scared of being left alone, and it is coming out in her behaviour. However I would be distancing myself if she continues with the sniping. I would pull her up on the comments immediately. ' Did you mean to be so hurtful?' something like that.

You may have to let her go if she can't rein it in, she might calm down in time. It is a shame she is not happy for you op. Good friends are usually more supportive. It sounds like a one way street, and you are doing all the appeasement.

In what way is she big hearted and lovely otherwise?

I think your mistake has been to think that she cares about and appreciates you in the same way/to the same degree that you care about her. Her focus is clearly on herself; your focus is on how lovely she is.

I had a friend I was close to - we'd recently been on holiday together, and saw each other a couple of times every week, if not more, talked about everything, especially her troublesome boyfriend. I met someone new, told her I was excited, and she's never spoken to me since, or given any explanation why.

People aren't always what they seem. Don't keep pinning the 'lovely' badge on her when she's treating you with such disdain. Accept that she has issues that affect the way she treats you, and is quite comfortable saying things that hurt you.

I wouldn't keep her in the 'close friend' category myself, and I'd explain to her the reasons why I was upset before I backed off. Essentially, dump, but don't ghost.

@nadila

Alex - the problem is that in every other part of our friendship she's utterly wonderful. She's so kind and giving and I adore her.

There are two issues here that I'm struggling with though - the fact she is generally unwilling to be happy for me and the hypocrisy.

The fact she's not super happy for me is disappointing but manageable.

The hypocrisy, on the other hand is a lot harder to swallow. I've indulged her talking about potential holiday plans with a man she's met once, but have to accept that she rolls her eyes if I even utter the name of the man I'm dating.

You know, this sounds (from a distance) more like projection than unwillingness to be happy for you. Her relastionships fall apart, therefore your relationships must, as well, and she knows way down deep that you'll be hurt. Doesn't occur to her that it is her selection process and her rushing things that screws her up every time. Not so much, perhaps, hypocrisy as utter lack of self-perception.

That said, regardless of the reasons, you're left dealing with her emotional baggage. I can't tell you what best to do for you, since so much of the friendship seems to be good, but if I were you, I'd tell her, "Look, let's just not talk about our love lives. It's a bit one-sided on the support end of things, and there are too many other things to talk about."

Sometimes even the nicest people can struggle to be the 'bigger person' and be pleased for someone getting something they so desperately want for themselves. I think this is the case with your friend. She can't help herself.

It doesn't mean it's easy for you to deal with, though, OP.

Every time you don't pull her up on her behaviour, she's getting away with it. If you don't challenge her and decide, instead, to distance yourself from her, she won't know the reasons why.

For your own self-respect, you need to address this. Next time she rolls her eyes when you mention your love-interest, say something like, "You looked a bit irritated just then. Was it something I said?"

If she complains that you are 'always' talking about this guy, or says something else that's negative, challenge it gently - "I don't think that's fair - we've always spent a lot of time talking about the men you date and I do my best to be supportive. Can't you do the same for me?"

She's jealous but also probably frightened of you getting into a long term relationship while she is still single.

If she is that good if a friend I'd follow pp's advice and pull her up on it each time she does it.

Sorry I don’t think she sounds like a great friend. She should be happy for you. I couldn’t have someone like that in my life.

I’m not seeing how the whole ‘big-hearted and lovely’ thing sits with the jealousy, negativity and hypocrisy, OP.