To think my friend is being unpleasant?

[nadila]

I'm a single woman and my best friend is too.

She gets very involved with people after (and even before!) one date. For example, putting time aside to see them even before they actually have plans, prioritising them even though they barely know each other, becoming a little obsessive about them. It's somewhat of a pattern and can be a little silly but I always handle this with patience and care as her big heart is what makes her so lovely.

I've recently met someone I'm really excited about. My approach is much more tempered than hers but it's nice to talk about it and to speculate about whether it might turn into something serious. We've been on 8 dates and things do feel quite promising.

My friend (who currently isn't dating anyone) does not appear remotely happy for me. She's snappy, makes hurtful comments ('I hope he turns out to be a good one but let's be honest, it could fall apart by next week') and gives advice that is so wildly at odds with the way she conducts her own dating life. Any mention of him (which I keep to a minimum) is met with a snide comment or her opinion, presented as fact, about how I should be behaving or feeling.

She's usually my go-to person for anything but every mention of it is met with such disdain that I don't even want to talk to her at the moment.

I've spent so many hours over the last 5 years listening to her obsess over men she barely knew and forgiving her for cancelling plans with me to see them (which is not something I'd even consider the other way around) and I'm really hurt by her reaction to my potential relationship.

I'm not remotely confrontational but I'm also a reasonably intelligent person and can clearly see the fact that there is an enormous dose of hypocrisy and self-projection going on here and I'm extremely hurt and angry.

How do I approach this? I haven't had to deal with her in this way before. It's really putting a dampener on my enjoyment of her company.

She's obviously envious, I'm surprised you need to ask. She may also be worried she's going to lose you if you get serious with someone.

She sounds very needy and negative. You say she's lovely but she's apparently incapable of being happy on your behalf and also very lacking in self-awareness.

I'd reassess the friendship to be honest. Imagine how she is going to be if you become serious with this guy?

She throws herself into relationships (including her relationship with you) and is now terrified that she'll lose you / you'll lose your connection now that this guy has come along for you.

IF - and a big "if" I stayed in touch, I'd be a lot more honest about her fantasy obsessions - ie "well maybe you'll find out if you meet him" - and she'd definitely be dropped after any more cancellations in favour of people she hardly knows.
you need better friends!

I don't see how compartmentalizing is going to work- if it gets serious with this guy, then you will be with him a lot. Are you going to sneak around to see here, ask him to be quiet when she calls, never mention the film you went to last week?

I'd be the opposite, just be yourself, just talk about him if you want. If she rolls her eyes or looks uncomfortable or says a snide thing, I'd say 'oh, that's surprising, I though you'd be pleased I'd found someone nice' or 'oh you are rolling your eyes, what does that mean?'

Don't hide him or pander to this shit! I also agree with everyone that she's not actually lovely at all, only lovely when you are lonely and the sounding board for her adventures. It may be the friendship won't survive you getting happy and being with someone nice, or even just you breaking up (because she'll be so gleeful!) She's not lovely at all!

She's jealous. She sees dating as 'her thing' not yours. She's not as lovely as you thought she was.

She lacks self-awareness and wants all the relationship attention to be on her. I had a friend like that, if guys showed any interest in me she was furious. She was the pretty one, the funny one etc and hated the fact that men liked me. In every other way, she seemed lovely but she wasn't really. She was vain, selfish and unkind.

I think like a pp said, it's fear of being left alone. I remember feeling that myself at one time.

You can be a nice person and behave badly, it's not one or the other. It's just human nature and nobody is consistently 'lovely' unless they are very assertive and have found a way to do it without stepping on anyone else's toes.

However she is behaving badly. You can't call her out on all her past behaviour with men but you can say something every time she's mean or dismissive about your new BF. 'usually we're really excited for each other when we meet someone new but you seem annoyed. Is something bothering you?' or a joky 'are you hoping that will happen, you keep saying it?'

I think good friendships are worth working on but if she just can't be pleased for you maybe it has had it's day? Give her a chance to check herself first though.

have you had boyfriends before, and has she acted the same, or is this the first time that youare dating while she doesnt have a date too?

You may consider her as big hearted and wonderful but honestly... this is how someone from school behaves!
Getting all arsey because you've met someone? That is honestly so juvenile and every time you let her get away with it you are confirming to her that it's OK to behave like this.
It isn't.

You need to say when she comes out with a snidey comment about your boyfriend...
'hang on... I have listened to you ad infinitum about men you've barely met, I purposely don't talk about XXXX because I don't want to rub your nose in it, but if ever I do, you roll your eyes and come out with something nasty. You have to stop this or it's going to damage our friendship. I have been nothing but supportive to you when you talk about someone. Please stop this now'

i had a friend once (note... 'had') and when I was going through slightly difficult times, she was there for me, supportive etc. As I was with her, even more so.

Then things got better for me and she was distant and dismissive. I challenged her on it and she actually said
'I only enjoy our friendship when you are down or depressed, I can't cope with you when you're happy'

She’s jealous and handling her reaction really poorly. But it’s not your job to sort that out - it doesn’t sound as if she’d be receptive to any feedback or challenge here.

In the short term I would not discuss anything to do with this man with her. In the longer term is she really a good friend? Or does she take way more than she gives?

She's jealous, and also selfish. You have roles in the friendship - your role is to support and encourage her relationships, but she isn't keen to do that in return.

I agree with the previous poster who said they don't see how compartmentalising will work. If you stay with this guy longer term, you cannot delete him from your conversations with her. And even if this doesn't work out, at some point you will find someonelse and the issue will return.

I would bring it into the open and ask why she's being so negative, and ask if she realises the effect it has on you. If you cannot talk to your best friend about your boyfriend, she isn't your best friend.

Tell her! If shes that bloody lovely then she'll understand.

I wouldn't be compartmentalising your friendship with that behaviour.

She is envious through and through which is perhaps understandable but to behave like that isn't.

That's not a friendship that most people would value.

She's jealous and nasty and treats you poorly OP.

I'd be concerned that your bar is very low regarding relationships if this is someone you hugely value.

You sound lovely.

I think it would be better to ask her why se is being so rude.
If you can't ask, or feel afraid to, it really isn't healthy.

I think she is scared she'll lose you and then end up lonely as she isn't dating. I think she is also jealous.

If she is a lovely and close friend I would say eg "you seem like you're not happy for me and I know that can't be right, so what's going on for you and can I do anything?"

My friend (who currently isn't dating anyone) does not appear remotely happy for me. She's snappy, makes hurtful comments ('I hope he turns out to be a good one but let's be honest, it could fall apart by next week') and gives advice that is so wildly at odds with the way she conducts her own dating life. Any mention of him (which I keep to a minimum) is met with a snide comment or her opinion, presented as fact, about how I should be behaving or feeling

If that happens again, say, 'listen to you, you're the one who was planning a holiday with x, after meeting him once, haha.'
In a lighthearted manner but nonetheless making your point about her own behaviour. I genuinely think some people do not see how they are behaving is completely opposite to what they are preaching. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know about her friendship.

I had a friend just like yours , lovely , sweet natured, funny, fun to be with , helpful - unless I wanted to spend time with anyone else
It was during a very difficult time for me and without realising it I allowed the friendship to continue on her terms which was pretty much her dictating who I could see , like you we were both single at the time
I had to lie and say I was seeing relatives if I had a date or she would ruin it for me ( she even managed to invite herself along to dinner once but that's another story)
Hardest but best time was allowing the friendship to end in a fairly natural way, it freed us both and now , 10 years or so onwards we are both in relationships , I'm happy for her and happy I'm not in contact.

Don't let this friend of yours dominate your life , neither of you will move on whilst she does

I would say she is scared of losing you to a successful relationship. If this relationship works out she looses her single girl friend/partner in crime.

I would say carry on your friendship as normal but don’t mention the new man. If your new relationship works out, time will tell if she can adjust and be friends with you as a non-single woman. If it doesn’t I would predict that your friendship will return to normal (until you meet the next potential partner)

In the meantime enjoy dating, don’t let her negativity get to you (it conversely does come from a place of love for you and not wanting to lose you)

Good luck with everything

@Roussette

i had a friend once (note... 'had') and when I was going through slightly difficult times, she was there for me, supportive etc. As I was with her, even more so.

Then things got better for me and she was distant and dismissive. I challenged her on it and she actually said
'I only enjoy our friendship when you are down or depressed, I can't cope with you when you're happy'

At least she realised and admitted it! It’s in fact surprisingly common, but often the person has no idea that they prefer their friends or family members ‘down’, because it makes them feel needed and powerful.

My own mother has no idea she’s like this, but you can hear her closing down on the phone when you call in an upbeat mood. I think it’s because her self-esteem is so poor she feels as if she’s not ‘needed’ when someone is lucky, content or successful, whereas she’s in her element at hospital bedsides.

Yes, I suppose so, but it was a bit galling. And such a strange thing to hear when all I want is my friends to be happy!

But I think you are so right, I think this ex-friend had low self esteem.

Jealousy.

She is desperate to have what you might have.

I have experienced it and the signs are clear. You tell yourself no, it can’t be but then others will start to notice it and it becomes tangible. It’s hard to move on from it. I experienced severe jealousy from an old flat mate from when I was single. She became so eaten up by it that one day on holiday she went crazy at me (someone she fancied made it clear they liked me) and I woke up to one of my favourite books covered in hateful comments, written in my eyeliner

She was a v odd girl thinking back, my friends told me she was jealous and I said don’t be ridiculous, she’s my friend... Frenemy more like, and sinister one at that..I guess I felt sorry for her as she didn’t have many friends and seemed unhappy with her lot.

@Holly60

I would say she is scared of losing you to a successful relationship. If this relationship works out she looses her single girl friend/partner in crime.

I would say carry on your friendship as normal but don’t mention the new man. If your new relationship works out, time will tell if she can adjust and be friends with you as a non-single woman. If it doesn’t I would predict that your friendship will return to normal (until you meet the next potential partner)

In the meantime enjoy dating, don’t let her negativity get to you (it conversely does come from a place of love for you and not wanting to lose you)

Good luck with everything

I don’t think the sort of behaviour the OP has outlined does come from a place of love. I had single close friends when I got engaged and then married, they were all really happy for me. There was no snide comments, they said they were sad that I wouldn’t be around as much anymore but they love me so they were, you know, happy for me.

She's happy to keep you around until she ditches you for a guy - actually cancelling plans?! This is not a loving friend. You are a pitstop on the way to where she actually wants to be. She just uses you to fill the time in between shags.

If she's lovely can you explain to her how she's making you feel? Sounds like she might get it? If she cares about you? X

I have a friend like this, even down to the cancelling plans for a man is fine for her but God forbid anyone else does it!
When I met my now DH her long term relationship was on the rocks and she veered between being happy and supportive to sneery about him.
To start with I didn't mention him unless asked etc but then I thought "fuck it" I was there for all the endless conversations about her relationship so she could return the favour.
And she did, the sneering didn't stop immediately but I just ignored it and it didn't change my behaviour and eventually she stopped.
It was eye opening to realise that she really didn't see the double standards in her perceptions but we are still friends because her issues with relationships aside she is a bright fun woman who has been there for me through a lot.