I have recently lost my mum, after having to go no contact with her and my sibling years ago.
It broke my heart to do this, but over the past 10 years I had endured so much abuse and harassment from my sibling that I couldn't take anymore.
We were always a fairly close and happy family until most of our relatives passed away and only me, my sister and mum were left. At this point my sister became hysterical and completely took over my mums life, her home, her finances and her 'mind' unfortunately. It wasn't pretty, involved tremendous amounts of screaming, shouting and terrifying drama, which my mum just gave in to and went along with. They struck up a fairly unhealthy co-dependency. I was close to my mum and this was awful to watch. I tried hard to help but she chose to go with it.
I eventually had to get away from them. By this point my sister had been telling lies about me to other family members and I was pretty much the black sheep. I had been ordered to never visit my parent's home again and locked out of all family related affairs. This was because I would not accept being dominated and my life militarised by my sister and her endless drama. It was far worse than I can write here, unless I make it into a MN version of War and Peace.
I eventually cut contact, moved away with my DH, and had some counselling. It went well, it was painful but I have done fine and managed to move on with a decent level of good will and forgiveness.
My mum passed away recently, it was sudden and I am 70 miles away. And after many years of no contact my sister got the message to me, I was warm and open enough be kind, and since doing so she has issued orders for me to attend the funeral.
It is obvious that the drama and narc issues are still in full swing (she is already accusing hospital of killing my mum, shouting at other relatives and withholding letters and possessions my mum left for others).
I just don't want to go.
My body has remembered the fear and panic and I simply want to grieve alone, in my own way, with the good memories of my mum, of which there were many. I am fine with my version of closure.
Due to her behaviour I was never able to grieve when my father died, and I can't let that happen again. It won't be a funeral, it will be her 'show', and she is already demanding we all crowd into her house afterwards (!) with mixed households and extremely vulnerable pensioners.
I said my goodbyes to my mum years ago and really feel bad inside about going. I do not want to go, even though in an ideal world it would be my natural way. My close friends and DH will support whatever I choose but I can tell they think it would be insane to attend, with this history.
The idea of it fills me with dread and it brings all the old fear and anger back. To give you a general idea of her behaviour issues, she has had medical staff, and a paramedic in trouble or suspended due to false accusations, along with stealing my bank statements and checking my mum's neighbours wheelie bins to see if they have stolen her clothes(!!!!).
Would you just say no?
(sorry for length)