To choose my own way to say goodbye?

[Sallygoround631]

I have recently lost my mum, after having to go no contact with her and my sibling years ago.
It broke my heart to do this, but over the past 10 years I had endured so much abuse and harassment from my sibling that I couldn't take anymore.

We were always a fairly close and happy family until most of our relatives passed away and only me, my sister and mum were left. At this point my sister became hysterical and completely took over my mums life, her home, her finances and her 'mind' unfortunately. It wasn't pretty, involved tremendous amounts of screaming, shouting and terrifying drama, which my mum just gave in to and went along with. They struck up a fairly unhealthy co-dependency. I was close to my mum and this was awful to watch. I tried hard to help but she chose to go with it.

I eventually had to get away from them. By this point my sister had been telling lies about me to other family members and I was pretty much the black sheep. I had been ordered to never visit my parent's home again and locked out of all family related affairs. This was because I would not accept being dominated and my life militarised by my sister and her endless drama. It was far worse than I can write here, unless I make it into a MN version of War and Peace.

I eventually cut contact, moved away with my DH, and had some counselling. It went well, it was painful but I have done fine and managed to move on with a decent level of good will and forgiveness.

My mum passed away recently, it was sudden and I am 70 miles away. And after many years of no contact my sister got the message to me, I was warm and open enough be kind, and since doing so she has issued orders for me to attend the funeral.
It is obvious that the drama and narc issues are still in full swing (she is already accusing hospital of killing my mum, shouting at other relatives and withholding letters and possessions my mum left for others).

I just don't want to go.
My body has remembered the fear and panic and I simply want to grieve alone, in my own way, with the good memories of my mum, of which there were many. I am fine with my version of closure.

Due to her behaviour I was never able to grieve when my father died, and I can't let that happen again. It won't be a funeral, it will be her 'show', and she is already demanding we all crowd into her house afterwards (!) with mixed households and extremely vulnerable pensioners.

I said my goodbyes to my mum years ago and really feel bad inside about going. I do not want to go, even though in an ideal world it would be my natural way. My close friends and DH will support whatever I choose but I can tell they think it would be insane to attend, with this history.

The idea of it fills me with dread and it brings all the old fear and anger back. To give you a general idea of her behaviour issues, she has had medical staff, and a paramedic in trouble or suspended due to false accusations, along with stealing my bank statements and checking my mum's neighbours wheelie bins to see if they have stolen her clothes(!!!!).

Would you just say no?
(sorry for length)

@Thefirstnohell

I'm sorry for your loss op

It's your decision op, but in your shoes I think I would feel anxious and unsettled not attending my mother's funeral. That would personally hurt me and saying goodbye is important I think, especially when the relationship has had its challenges. So I would attend the funeral (if that is possible under Covid-19 restrictions). Make sure your flowers are among the others. Arrive late and leave straightaway afterwards. Do this for your own peace of mind and not for anyone else

If the OP knows the date and time, she's better off taking herself somewhere quiet and peaceful and thinking about the good times and the good mother she remembers rather than putting herself through the drama.

It won't end well.

Covid test- you can't go anywhere until you get the results
(the perfect excuse)

Don't go. Say you've got Covid / are having to isolate.
Sorry for your loss

@obviouslymarvellous

Wow I feel for you this was me 18 months ago but it was my sister that died very suddenly and the narcissist mother that has lived. I was blamed for everything and it was and still is quite awful. As apparently I should have helped more. I tried to help so much but you can't help those that don't want it. I loved my sister so much but she wouldn't leave my narc mother. Anyway I totally feel for you. I went to my sisters funeral (not that I was wanted there) but it was totally about the narc mother who put on a complete show. She had tried killing her self three times by then! I just sat at the back and quietly paid my respects. I felt no shame as I haven't done anything wrong. I am glad I went as it was my sister - I wouldn't go to the narcs funeral whatsoever as she has gotten away with every bit of pain she has ever caused. She had moved away now and I have been nc for years. The funeral didn't change that. So it depends if it will change anything for you? We were lucky at the funeral as the funeral director had realised the narc was crazy and locked the doors when she left so I could say goodbye and then let us out a different way to avoid the drama x

Wow, I am sorry you have endured that. It is crippling, isn't it? My mum and sister turned against me immediately after my dad did 8 years ago. I was issued orders and picked apart from that moment onwards and it took a few years for me to even get my bearings and work out something was really bloody wrong. I never got to grieve, only marched around and criticised to the point where I often woke up in a sweat, panicking in the middle of the night.

I don't know why my sister became this way. It was always kind there but only manifested in past decade. I am a lot younger than her and feel there is a deep resentment as if she wanted my parents to herself. It was a shock to realise this as I never would have guessed previously.

As for the narc behaviour, someone always enables it don't they? She now has my aunt and uncle at her bidding. They have even begun to talk like her and form suspicious opinions which they never used to have. You feel like an alien just observing it.

Thank you for the replies. It's a tricky one posting to AIBU, but I felt I could take it;) At this point it feels good to hear other opinions, even though I can only offer my own slice of the story.

And no, she won't care about covid.
She is already travelling down to the service in a car with members of 4 households. Some of them are very vulnerable and she is supposed to be isolating. She has told them otherwise.

I know this because the hospital informed me after I had asked to visit my mum. I didnt get to in time but my sister did. She had to sign a form and was asked to isolate after. She didnt bother and has already visited elderly relatives and friends of my mum.

dad died not did

You don't have to go. However I would say you really need to consider it seriously and go. I lost my dad earlier this year and thanks to international borders being closed missed both the funeral and the scattering of ashes. The feeling of not having said goodbye and knowing I have missed that opportunity to say goodbye has made grieving so much harder.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’d make an excuse and not go.

Could you ask for the service to be live streamed as you're having to isolate? The fact she doesn't care about the safety of more vulnerable family members doesn't mean you don't care either.

@bettbattenburg

You don't have to go. However I would say you really need to consider it seriously and go. I lost my dad earlier this year and thanks to international borders being closed missed both the funeral and the scattering of ashes. The feeling of not having said goodbye and knowing I have missed that opportunity to say goodbye has made grieving so much harder.

Sorry to hear that. This must be difficult. I hope you can find a way, within you, to say those goodbyes and make peace with that. I felt similarly when I dropped contact - not the same obviously - but a sense that I would likely never say a real goodbye. For me, this was the hardest part, but I wrote to her and told her how much I loved her and appreciated everything she was. I had a feeling I would never see her again and that was so. Sadly with my family, it wasn't possible to express that amongst others, or even to her at the time. She was not responsive to me, and told me I had caused her to have a stroke. When things get this bad it is impossible to resolve. I can only do it in my heart, now.

I can sympathise with your perspective. Thank you for sharing that:)

You don't have to go, if you want to use Covid as an excuse do so. Do what is right for you, your friends and DH are supportive so you do what's best for you.
Please ignore the posters telling you that you should go. People with normal loving families have absolutely no idea about the pain and grief caused by Narc parents and siblings.
The pain and grief that's always there. I won't be going to my female parent's funeral, when she dies. I've come to terms with her treatment of me, I've already said my goodbyes to her. Privately.
I wish you well op, and I'm sorry for your loss. Take some time to really think about how you want to deal with this situation.

@Knittedfairies

Could you ask for the service to be live streamed as you're having to isolate? The fact she doesn't care about the safety of more vulnerable family members doesn't mean you don't care either.

I think that would be like asking her to chop her own head off. She is pretty much entirely focused on her own way of doing things, from the music, to the travel, everything. Nobody will challenge that and I only hope the vulnerable ones are lucky.

Covid is your friend after all.

"Sorry, can't come to funeral, I'm in bed with a fever and cough. "

Seriously if I requested a live stream it would be considered lazy and a cop out.

For example, I moved away, only 70 miles a few years ago. She told relatives that I had taken the money from a bank account of my mum's and run off! This was entirely untrue, I had used my savings. You can't reason with this kind of shit. Everything is twisted into something negative.

It’s fine not to go, there are other ways to say goodbye to your mum without buying into your sister’s circus x

I wouldn't go. Find a way to make your peace (light a candle/plant a tree/go and sit quietly in a church). It doesn't sound as though you will get anything out of going other than more aggro. These people already think badly of you, what's going to change? If you really want to go - then slip in quietly at the back at the last minute and leave before your sister gets a chance to say anything.

If the OP knows the date and time, she's better off taking herself somewhere quiet and peaceful and thinking about the good times and the good mother she remembers rather than putting herself through the drama.

NannyOgg that may well be the very best thing for the op to do, but she asked for opinions and I respectfully gave mine, based on my own personal experience.

Op subsequently posted she had written to her DM and seen her in hospital, so those goodbyes may indeed be enough.

I just wanted to say in addition op, from the perspective of someone who has experienced quite a bit of death within the family and challenging relationships, that these situations have a way of working out over time, in that the narcs tend to out themselves eventually. I just didn't want you to think in any way that you had to stay away from the funeral if you wanted to attend for fear of what people may think of you. More people than you know may be sympathetic to your side of things but are not speaking up for various reasons. You have as much right to be there as anyone else. And it doesn't matter what other people think anyway as you know the truth.

Not going may well be the calmer, more peaceful option. Your sister will use your absence to create drama, but it won't affect you, because you won't have to hear it. If you go, there will be confrontation and drama, and it will be much more difficult to get away from an upsetting scene or situation.

Your mother's funeral will be all about your sister. Not going is fine. You are not obliged to be her audience.

I would advise against making excuses, because you don't owe her a reason, and explaining (even if the explanation is a lie) gives the impression that you need to justify yourself (you don't!) and leaves an opening for argument.

It might help to tell her you aren't going, but if you feel that would be too much then you can just not go. But for goodness' sake, block her everywhere. You can separate yourself from all of this (and all of them). Honestly, I think you need to.

You are allowed to mourn the loss of your Mum,in your own way.There is no point in you getting into any family strife now, as it will add to the sadness that you already feel ,about all that has happened in the past.

Your Sister seems quite badly spiteful, and has an inner warped view,of how things should go her way at all times, but I guess she won't change now. So I would not spend time worrying about what others may think or say, about your own personal decisions regarding your Mum's funeral.

@Thefirstnohell

If the OP knows the date and time, she's better off taking herself somewhere quiet and peaceful and thinking about the good times and the good mother she remembers rather than putting herself through the drama.

NannyOgg that may well be the very best thing for the op to do, but she asked for opinions and I respectfully gave mine, based on my own personal experience.

Op subsequently posted she had written to her DM and seen her in hospital, so those goodbyes may indeed be enough.

I just wanted to say in addition op, from the perspective of someone who has experienced quite a bit of death within the family and challenging relationships, that these situations have a way of working out over time, in that the narcs tend to out themselves eventually. I just didn't want you to think in any way that you had to stay away from the funeral if you wanted to attend for fear of what people may think of you. More people than you know may be sympathetic to your side of things but are not speaking up for various reasons. You have as much right to be there as anyone else. And it doesn't matter what other people think anyway as you know the truth.

Thank you, I understood your point of view, and it is a good thing to see it from different angles. I suppose it highlighted to me that I already know what I need to do, and in that sense it is very helpful. No loss is a good loss, and families can be so complex. I doubt there is a correct way to grieve, but living in society it is easy to feel shame and guilt, even if you know you need to protect yourself. I would have dearly loved a 'normal' outcome, but it just isn't possible.

Don't go.

I had to make this choice when my so-called father died.

My siblings had been in contact with him while he was in the hospice. He was abusive and neglectful. We were taken by my Grandparents when I was 7. When he got ill my sister decided to get in contact. My brothers decided we would all four go to the funeral together.

I was badged as the worst person in the world for not going. I don't talk to any of that side of the family anymore, but I dont' regret it.

I would have regretted the upset and turning my life upside down if I had gone. Very briefly I thought "maybe I should have gone", but several years down the line now I know I made the right decision not to go because that period of my life did not need to be re-opened

Thank you, again, to all of you for sharing your perspective. I honestly didnt expect the majority of replies to mirror my own thinking, so this is interesting. It is also sad to hear that so many other people can relate to this problem.

I doubt she would shout or cause issue with me at the service, but I can't be sure. It can appear out of the blue.

We once attended a memorial in the same building for my dad. She had an argument with my mum that day, inside the chapel, screaming and shouting at my mum. It was one of the most upsetting things I have experienced, my memory of that day is literally destroyed by it, and we were asked to leave the building

this also happened in our Dr's surgery, where she was removed for shouting at my mum after taking her for a blood pressure check (it was dangerously high). There was too much of this and the silent anger and pain I felt for myself and my mum was awful. But my mum stuck close to her, and would receive no help.

Ultimately, I think she wanted to 'own' my parents. This was apparent in her repetitive statements of 'MY mum' and 'MY dad', as if I was an imposter. When my dad was dying she pushed nurses away and tried to insert his catheter (he had a bladder infection). He was mortified and thankfully she was stopped. (she has a small amount of care work experience, not nursing). It is like a possessive obsession. She was similar with my mum and often asked to leave the hospital whenever my mum was admitted.

It is difficult to believe that prior to my dad's passing we were a fairly loving, average family. There is something very wrong there, and I would guess it began long before I was born.

With this history, I don't feel safe taking the risk, and other posters are correct when they say it is 'her' event, it would certainly not help matters if I attend. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I really feel for you, having dealt with this kind of bullshit from my brother for years we had to make the decision to not inform him where or when my mothers funeral was taking place. He knew she'd died but became so vile, threatening to turn up at the funeral and cause chaos with his revelations about the rest of the family that I just said no, it wasn't about him and for once we didn't have to put up with his crap.
Your sister can only have the drama she wants if you agree to be a player, stay home and do something lovely to remember your mum in your own way.

If family readily accept the lies told about you then that says more about them then you.

Ultimately, you choose what you’re most comfortable with and can ‘live’ with. 2 of my siblings spoke at my mum’s funeral, 1 had a letter they’d written to her read out by a friend (who knew my mum). I opted to do neither. I didn’t want to and would have been more affected by being pressured into doing something I wasn’t comfortable doing.

I own my grief and how I choose to deal with it. I have no regrets. I’m certain many family members had an opinion on it, and undoubtedly not flattering, but as I have no respect for the opinion of many and my siblings accepted it I really didn’t give a flying fig.

Don't go - it will set you back and give your sister in "in" to direct abuse at you then and possibly for the future.
Email as previously suggested, "thank you for the funeral details,I will not be attending. I wish you well for the future and please fo not contact me, again". Clear, concise and then you can block and move on.