To choose my own way to say goodbye?

[Sallygoround631]

I have recently lost my mum, after having to go no contact with her and my sibling years ago.
It broke my heart to do this, but over the past 10 years I had endured so much abuse and harassment from my sibling that I couldn't take anymore.

We were always a fairly close and happy family until most of our relatives passed away and only me, my sister and mum were left. At this point my sister became hysterical and completely took over my mums life, her home, her finances and her 'mind' unfortunately. It wasn't pretty, involved tremendous amounts of screaming, shouting and terrifying drama, which my mum just gave in to and went along with. They struck up a fairly unhealthy co-dependency. I was close to my mum and this was awful to watch. I tried hard to help but she chose to go with it.

I eventually had to get away from them. By this point my sister had been telling lies about me to other family members and I was pretty much the black sheep. I had been ordered to never visit my parent's home again and locked out of all family related affairs. This was because I would not accept being dominated and my life militarised by my sister and her endless drama. It was far worse than I can write here, unless I make it into a MN version of War and Peace.

I eventually cut contact, moved away with my DH, and had some counselling. It went well, it was painful but I have done fine and managed to move on with a decent level of good will and forgiveness.

My mum passed away recently, it was sudden and I am 70 miles away. And after many years of no contact my sister got the message to me, I was warm and open enough be kind, and since doing so she has issued orders for me to attend the funeral.
It is obvious that the drama and narc issues are still in full swing (she is already accusing hospital of killing my mum, shouting at other relatives and withholding letters and possessions my mum left for others).

I just don't want to go.
My body has remembered the fear and panic and I simply want to grieve alone, in my own way, with the good memories of my mum, of which there were many. I am fine with my version of closure.

Due to her behaviour I was never able to grieve when my father died, and I can't let that happen again. It won't be a funeral, it will be her 'show', and she is already demanding we all crowd into her house afterwards (!) with mixed households and extremely vulnerable pensioners.

I said my goodbyes to my mum years ago and really feel bad inside about going. I do not want to go, even though in an ideal world it would be my natural way. My close friends and DH will support whatever I choose but I can tell they think it would be insane to attend, with this history.

The idea of it fills me with dread and it brings all the old fear and anger back. To give you a general idea of her behaviour issues, she has had medical staff, and a paramedic in trouble or suspended due to false accusations, along with stealing my bank statements and checking my mum's neighbours wheelie bins to see if they have stolen her clothes(!!!!).

Would you just say no?
(sorry for length)

Please stay true to yourself. My narcissistic mother died suddenly. One sister who had been NC for 20 years came and received some terrible abuse from another sister. Not me! But it was so so awful. I am so sorry for your loss. Focus on yourself and if it helps say you have to quarantine.

Your sister sounds like she might have a personality disorder.

Don't go. Funerals are not they only way to say goodbye. If your sister is emotionally challenged at 'normal' times, she will be out of control at a funeral.

Don't go. You don't need to see or speak to your sister again, if you don't want to. Perhaps you could sort out your own memorial to your mother, a bench in a place that she loved, or something like that? No need to tell your sister anything about it!

Thanks again.
Due to recently losing my mum, I think a lot of old feelings and recollections of how traumatic things were have come flooding back. I was bobbing along just fine, but such is life.

I am also ashamed to admit that I am a bit afraid of 'not' going. Because it shocks me to realise I feel like a hunted animal, utterly on edge about what someone may say or do if I don't attend. Even though it would be difficult to find me. I know nobody can harm me, but my brain doesn't care! I knew she had caused damage in the past but I only know now how much that must have harmed me, personally.

I sorry my 'great reckoning has unravelled in this thread! I didnt expect it to unearth so much in me, but it has helped me to face a few things, so thank you:)

@Geppili

Your sister sounds like she might have a personality disorder.

I have no idea. She was always a little troubled but I never anticipated how it would accelerate after my dad's death. She has a very depressing, obsessive focus on illness which has caused some awful problems with her own partner and (adult) child. A sort of hypochondria for other people, a fixation on illness and death that literally controls her life. It sucks the life out of everyone, and she conducts most of it over the phone. After going no contact I actually came away with a terror of hearing my ringtone, and when I hear other people using it my body still freaks out:(

I can't recall anything in our early life that could have caused it, but she is 13 years older than me and we probably both have a different perception of our past.

I wouldn't go. She sounds completely unhinged and even if she manages to behave herself then you will be on tenterhooks the whole time.

I'd write to your aunt and uncle and say that due to history with your sister you won't be going. Say you wish you could have spent more time with your mum over the years but it became impossible due to your sister's actions and you find that very sad. Don't protect her by pretending you have Covid.

@Sallygoround631 it is the worst being the black sheep. All of her side of the family have listened to her and just make it very clear it's me. It's funny as before all this they were saying my narc mother was spiralling. Guess it's hard to look truth in the face and easier to just carry on. She is a functioning alchoholic and addict and that's what happened to my sister. She went down the same path. It's a very long story and I've outed myself here. I just wanted you to know really that it isn't you and you know that but if you want to go, go if you don't don't. Don't line swayed by the narcissistic person. I am glad I went to my sisters funeral. The narcissist is the one that has to live with whatever they have done daily - and that's what gives me a little peace x the others well they are just doing what's easiest for them. I live by this now. - you can't change what others think about you, but you can change how you react (my reaction is nothing these days x)

"I actually came away with a terror of hearing my ringtone, and when I hear other people using it my body still freaks out"

It's powerful, isn't it? I have a similar reaction to hearing the Messenger 'ping'. Sometimes there's a ping and I have to say to myself "you've just paid for something by PayPal". It's a physical reaction

OP my aunt didn’t come to my grandfather’s (her father’s) funeral earlier this year as she was worried about COVID. No family dramas or bad history, she just really didn’t want to come. Instead she later asked her own local church to have a small memorial service for him where she read a eulogy. Nobody in our family minded - we all understand that everyone grieves differently and finds closure in their own way. Nothing wrong with that.

[quote obviouslymarvellous]@Sallygoround631 it is the worst being the black sheep. All of her side of the family have listened to her and just make it very clear it's me. It's funny as before all this they were saying my narc mother was spiralling. Guess it's hard to look truth in the face and easier to just carry on. She is a functioning alchoholic and addict and that's what happened to my sister. She went down the same path. It's a very long story and I've outed myself here. I just wanted you to know really that it isn't you and you know that but if you want to go, go if you don't don't. Don't line swayed by the narcissistic person. I am glad I went to my sisters funeral. The narcissist is the one that has to live with whatever they have done daily - and that's what gives me a little peace x the others well they are just doing what's easiest for them. I live by this now. - you can't change what others think about you, but you can change how you react (my reaction is nothing these days x)[/quote]
You're right, everything you say makes a great deal of sense to me. I am not used to speaking about this outside of my best friend and DH, so it's strange and also comforting to hear I am not alone, tragic thought it may be.
Im sorry you have had to endure this, too. I feel similarly about my sister, who is holding on tightly to a box of letters my mum left for me after her passing.
I feel that deep down she knows that I have never harmed her, but she ant help herself. She truly believes that I have had a better life than her and resents me for that. You simply can't alter someones fixed image of you. You can Noel make peace with it, accept it and move on.
They will have their reasons, and you can't even help them.
Take care :)

Jesus, Noel Noel! sod these typos!

You take care too! If you ever need to pm me feel free - but honestly don't give them any headspace. You know the truth and it's their problem not yours x

Hi Everyone, I wanted to give an update to my situation, if anyone is interested, and for anyone who might need it for future reference.

I told my sister that I had to isolate. The Gov website states that in this situation I am to alert the funeral company and people who do the service.

She replied decently enough and told me to do what I need to do, and possibly make the call to the company to ask them about it. I so far have not received any bad vibes over this, so will be checking how the next few days pan out. If anyone decides to give me a hard time I will simply bow out.

One thing I am puzzled by though. If my mum tested positive when she passed away(two weeks ago), was it wise to allow my sister to view her in the funeral home today? The funeral is in a couple of days, and she is still travelling in the car with a few very vulnerable people.

Is this safe?