Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gay husband

70 replies

Namechanged2124 · 06/12/2020 14:08

Please be kind. I’ve had my doubts for a few years. Spoken to him and he denies and laughs. He’s never interested in me sexually and over the years I realise it’s always me instigating it. Now that we have reached number of children we planned it seems like in his eyes his job is done and there’s no need to ever have sex again. I have cried and I have tried to find out what he thinks and feels but he closes off and promises he will change but nothing changes. In marriage councelling and he just cries and makes councellor feel sorry for him so I look like the evil wife whose pressuring him for intimacy. I feel really depressed as I feel I’ve wasted my youth on him. I don’t know where to turn.

He doesn’t ever share how he feels and just cries. I just want to know where I stand. I feel I’m an open book and tell him exactly how I feel but he’s very secretive and closed off. I can’t live like this.

OP posts:
Onmydoorstep · 06/12/2020 15:04

Relationship doesn't seem good OP, regardless of your sexuality theory.

I found this out a few years later, but the DH of one of my close friends disclosed he was bi during early stage of marriage. After a few years, they split up and he lives with a male partner now. My friend told me she should be realised sooner, that increasingly her DH wanted a particular type of sex in a particular position. On the positive side both of them have stayed close, and are in a really good place.

Lizadork · 06/12/2020 15:04

Could be low sex drive, trauma, religious background. Not to make you feel bad but he may have lost interest in you as opposed to all women. Any health issues that might make sex more painful? Arthritis etc. Over worked. Depression. Could simply be tgat you aren't sexually compatible rather than anything amiss with either of you.

BigBadVoodooHat · 06/12/2020 15:05

@SonjaMorgan

Does he listen to Depeche mode?
I was just about to ask that!

OP, have a look at this recent thread. This poster seems to be experiencing similar issues to you. I'm sure you'd find something helpful here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4095514-How-to-ask-DH-if-hes-gay

MushMonster · 06/12/2020 15:08

I do think that the sexual orientation of a derogatory husband does indeed matter, in the sense that a misogynic one will do so trying to bring the woman down because they desire her (so that gives her power), while a gay one will do so because she is allowed to show a sexual interest in a male (while he has to repress it, and forced to live in a show, either consciously or sub- consciously). And I think gay men can be nastier and more damaging indeed, as the woman is here trully powerless.
But, no time needs to be wasted on trying to find out which shit he is. He is shit. That is what matters. And you are not happy, which is the important bit here.

ShellieEllie · 06/12/2020 15:08

Are you actually getting anything positive out of this relationship? I think you already know where it's heading... Cut your losses and be happy, life's too short to chase something that's never going to be there.

ABCDay · 06/12/2020 15:09

He sounds very like my ex, OP. From the minute we were married the sex more or less stopped, apart from when it was on his terms Angry. He rejected me so often I suspected he was gay too. He is also a crier.

I too was an open book - he used everything I ever told him against me. Please be careful with that.

My Women's Aid support worker told me withholding sex is a form of abuse. My ex was seeing an OW - he even started withholding sex from her before they got together properly!

I would recommend seeing a counsellor yourself - he's obviously manipulative, you'll not get anywhere taking him along.

Build yourself up Flowers

NoGoodPunsLeft · 06/12/2020 15:09

@MaelyssQ

Whether he is gay, straight, bisexual, asexual - it doesn't matter. He is unkind and unloving. Your marriage is over and it's time to end it officially. There are plenty of men out there who will show you the desire and affection you need. Get shot of him, give yourself an early Christmas present.
Exactly! You can tie yourself in knots trying to understand him but ultimately he doesn't care that you are unhappy so.does it matter why?
MoMoxX · 06/12/2020 15:10

Hmmm

Now...

I don’t think a straight male would laugh and deny it when asked if they are Gay by their wife, in fact they’d be very angry!

I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t be able to stay in this relationship, he’d be shown the door... when a male doesn’t want sex with his wife, something is definitely wrong.

I hope you get to the bottom of this, I can’t imagine what you’re going through!

Eckhart · 06/12/2020 15:13

@Namechanged2124

It’s more gut instinct. No he’s very cold and distant. Shows no love or even respect. Haven’t kissed or even cuddled for nearly 3 years. I’m sick of being rejected so I have stopped trying to.
What has stopped you leaving?
Original poster
Namechanged2124 · 06/12/2020 15:23

What’s stopping me from leaving is I have no family support. My self esteem has hit rock bottom since I’ve been with him. Ironically what attracted me to DH was that he was not interested in having sex with me in the early days he seemed “respectful” of me whereas other relationships I had were purely physical.

I moved to new area with DH and haven’t made any real friendships as I’ve been depressed and feel disgusting as DH makes me feel this way. It’s been 12 years since we have been married and day by day I feel I’m losing more of myself. I’ve been faithful to him but I crave having intimacy with someone. I find myself fantasying about other men. I don’t want to feel like this. Yes gay or not gay I deserve someone to make me feel desired. I don’t know how to get out of this marriage.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 06/12/2020 15:23

I had a boyfriend who had been a choir boy in a very famous school, he behaved in an odd way towards sex. Turns out he had been favoured by the choir master sexually. He was thoroughly messed up sex would take about 15 seconds no foreplay at all. When I complained that I had not enjoyed it was told I must be gay.

Could he be a victim of abuse in his childhood @Namechanged2124

Original poster
Namechanged2124 · 06/12/2020 15:25

@justasking111 I have also questioned him about any past sexual abuse a d he just laughs.

I feel if he was open to me with what the issue is we could move on but he’s very closed off and secretive.

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 06/12/2020 15:26

Please don't stay for the kids. They don't need to see you in an unhappy relationship being belittled by your (probably) gay husband. I stayed too long and my younger daughter eventually told me she wished we had divorced years before we actually did.

justasking111 · 06/12/2020 15:27

[quote Namechanged2124]@justasking111 I have also questioned him about any past sexual abuse a d he just laughs.

I feel if he was open to me with what the issue is we could move on but he’s very closed off and secretive.[/quote]
He laughs, well it is not good enough. If he is not gay, abused then he is just a very nasty man. I would be looking to get out, you are living such an awfully miserable life which you do not deserve.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2020 15:28

@Namechanged2124

I just feel something is not right.
But it doesn't matter.

You're unhappy and he doesn't care.

You need to decide what will make you happy and do it.

justasking111 · 06/12/2020 15:29

Phone womens aid tomorrow, baby steps @Namechanged2124

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2020 15:29

@Namechanged2124

What’s stopping me from leaving is I have no family support. My self esteem has hit rock bottom since I’ve been with him. Ironically what attracted me to DH was that he was not interested in having sex with me in the early days he seemed “respectful” of me whereas other relationships I had were purely physical.

I moved to new area with DH and haven’t made any real friendships as I’ve been depressed and feel disgusting as DH makes me feel this way. It’s been 12 years since we have been married and day by day I feel I’m losing more of myself. I’ve been faithful to him but I crave having intimacy with someone. I find myself fantasying about other men. I don’t want to feel like this. Yes gay or not gay I deserve someone to make me feel desired. I don’t know how to get out of this marriage.

Stop the marriage counselling and go for yourself.

That will be the start you need.

Original poster
Namechanged2124 · 06/12/2020 15:29

@justasking111 sorry if it’s a personal question but how did your boyfriend react when you questioned him? I’m just wondering as I have often thought about whether he has been abused. I get a weird vibe from his elderly uncle.

OP posts:
ohwhatamiserableyear · 06/12/2020 15:29

Make that your 2021 goal: figure out how to get out of this marriage and find a real life for yourself.

good luck

Life is short ... get one!

HollowTalk · 06/12/2020 15:29

Don't try to find a way out via another man. It sounds as though your husband won't hold back from hurting you in some way or another if he found out you were having an affair.

Take your time and plan your escape. It is possible to leave - keep that thought in mind and stay strong.

AnotherEmma · 06/12/2020 15:30

YABU to stay with him. LTB.

Original poster
Namechanged2124 · 06/12/2020 15:31

I know this is not moral and this is the only place I have to talk but I’ve considered maybe finding intimacy elsewhere if he’s unable to give to me. He doesn’t seem like it will be something he’s bothered by. I know it’s not moral but I need something to make me feel alive again. I feel dead inside and feel no one will ever want me again

OP posts:
justasking111 · 06/12/2020 15:33

[quote Namechanged2124]@justasking111 sorry if it’s a personal question but how did your boyfriend react when you questioned him? I’m just wondering as I have often thought about whether he has been abused. I get a weird vibe from his elderly uncle.[/quote]
He actually admitted it one night, the penny dropped then. Our relationship petered out because he blew hot and cold. He went onto marry a lovely woman had two kids then died of cancer. It all came out then how bloody awful their marriage had been he became uber religious was so strict with his children. She did go on to marry a lovely man and is very happy. She only escaped upon his death, do not wait that long.

Original poster
Namechanged2124 · 06/12/2020 15:35

I didn’t want to reveal too much about myself but culturally it won’t be a good thing if we divorce. No one in my family or his family have ever divorced so that’s what I mean by no family support.

I know it’s do easy to sit at your phone/computer and say “forget cultural norms just go for it” but divorce is not a way out. It will cause more problems and issues. That’s why I feel stuck and isolated

OP posts:
Alethiometrical · 06/12/2020 15:36

Don't stay OP. Once you're free of this man, you'll be surprised how you will create your own networks and friendships.

Being regularly rejected & made to feel undesirable by the one person who should accept & desire you, must be soul-destroying. Flowers