Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Gay husband

70 replies

Namechanged2124 · 06/12/2020 14:08

Please be kind. I’ve had my doubts for a few years. Spoken to him and he denies and laughs. He’s never interested in me sexually and over the years I realise it’s always me instigating it. Now that we have reached number of children we planned it seems like in his eyes his job is done and there’s no need to ever have sex again. I have cried and I have tried to find out what he thinks and feels but he closes off and promises he will change but nothing changes. In marriage councelling and he just cries and makes councellor feel sorry for him so I look like the evil wife whose pressuring him for intimacy. I feel really depressed as I feel I’ve wasted my youth on him. I don’t know where to turn.

He doesn’t ever share how he feels and just cries. I just want to know where I stand. I feel I’m an open book and tell him exactly how I feel but he’s very secretive and closed off. I can’t live like this.

OP posts:

pringlebells · 06/12/2020 15:37

He might not be gay, might have a low libido.

What is his diet like? Is he on any medication?

justasking111 · 06/12/2020 15:37

@Namechanged2124

I didn’t want to reveal too much about myself but culturally it won’t be a good thing if we divorce. No one in my family or his family have ever divorced so that’s what I mean by no family support.

I know it’s do easy to sit at your phone/computer and say “forget cultural norms just go for it” but divorce is not a way out. It will cause more problems and issues. That’s why I feel stuck and isolated

I would still phone womens aid, they are experts in the cultural field and at least you can talk to someone with experience.

Original poster

Namechanged2124 · 06/12/2020 15:38

@justasking111 thank you. I will call them. I will also read the threads others have posted about.

OP posts:

Alethiometrical · 06/12/2020 15:39

Oh, I've just seen your latest post about the difficulties of divorcing.

I wondered if yours was a very religious marriage? Or your husband being highly religious?

Can you start to create & build the life you want within the marriage? Start behaving as though your "D"H is a flatmate, and create a network of friends to enrich your life?

Start to ensure that he does equal share of housework and child rearing, but make it clear you have your own life.

LindaEllen · 06/12/2020 15:42

@Namechanged2124

It’s more gut instinct. No he’s very cold and distant. Shows no love or even respect. Haven’t kissed or even cuddled for nearly 3 years. I’m sick of being rejected so I have stopped trying to.

This is your issue. Having no respect should be a deal breaker for you, whether he's gay or not.

FWIW my DP has a low sex drive, but so do I, so that's fine. It doesn't mean he's gay.

We do kiss and cuddle daily though, and if those things had been missing for 3 years and I felt rejected and disrespected, I would leave.

PurpleMustang · 06/12/2020 15:48

How did you get him to go to counselling? If you are saying divorce is not an option is that his opinion too? If he doesn't want to talk, or divorce he needs to at least give you an answer to what he does expect from you? You can't live in that sort of limbo. From your side what is your answer, would an open relationship suit you or break the mould and divorce

SallyNoMates · 06/12/2020 15:56

I dont think the reason matters. He doesnt want intimacy and you do. You need to decide if you want to live with that or not.

incognitomum · 06/12/2020 15:59

Good luck with women's aid.

My marriage was very similar. Exdh wasn't verbally abusive though. I actually told my GP. She was amazing. Friends were supportive but my dm wasn't. Exdh and I are still friends. My now grown up dss get on great with dh2. I shared care with their dad when I left.

You can leave. No one of any culture has to live a life of misery.

wildraisins · 06/12/2020 16:15

If you feel like your counsellor is taking sides, you need to find a different counsellor. Good, properly trained counsellors do not "feel sorry" for people or think that someone is "the evil one". They are meant to be non biased and basically a bit of a blank slate to enable you to discuss your feelings and feel safe.

So I don't know about the underlying problem but my suggestion is find a different counsellor who you are BOTH comfortable with.

user8888 · 06/12/2020 16:31

I have often suspected my XH was gay. I wasted 17 years on him, like you, feeling unable to leave due to lack of family support, etc.

I have never had my suspicions confirmed as like your H mine is/was very secretive as well and a frequent liar (and probably narc). He also acted disgusted at me wanting him to touch me and it was soul destroying.

You must leave him --- it will be very, very hard, like cutting off a rotting leg, but you will feel better once it heals!!

WhySoSensitive · 06/12/2020 16:41

Unless he saying ‘I’ll only have send with you when you grow a dick’ ... nothing you’ve said so far would make me just straight to gay.

regardless you shouldnt stay, you will feel a lot more isolated and lonely if you stay, rather than leave and build yourself a new life.

WhySoSensitive · 06/12/2020 16:41

So many typos in that. I’m not even correcting - you get my point though.

FuckYouCorona · 06/12/2020 16:52

Sounds to me like he could use counselling on his own. He might be more inclined to open up then. There is obviously something going on with him & he must care to some degree about your marriage otherwise he'd have refused to go to relationship counselling. Another thought. Is he on medication, or have a condition that potentially reduces his libido? Both DH & I are on meds that do this, which works out well for us luckily.

Speak2020 · 06/12/2020 17:06

If he were to 'come out' - how would that be viewed by the religion you practice?

Is this why he is so stuck? Is that why he is so miserable? He can't do it because it would be deemed 'dirty/wrong' etc.

He knows he is in a place where he can never truly 'fancy' you and he can never feel fulfilled. Yes he probably is gay. He's "done his duty" as per the expectations of the religion, get married, had kids and yet now having followed it to the letter he knows he has a life of emptiness ahead of him on that front.

Of course you just remind him of what a ridiculous and horrible place he is in and when you ask for sex, he is made aware of how 'unclean' he probably is viewed by the religion. He wishes he could do it - but he can't and so he is poisonous to you as you are an easy punch bag and an easy target to blame.

This is very very sad.

I would suggest that a) you begin to find an outside activity that starts to help you feel better about yourself. You need to be mixing with other people who value you and see your worth. That could be part-time work or volunteering somewhere. Both would raise your self-esteem. You are too heavily reliant on what he thinks of you and his opinion of you.

if you could make a first step back into society generally of some sort then you may get the strength to begin to make a plan to leave him. You need outside connections locally if you have no family.

Yes it will be painful but what is the alternative? To stay like this forever? or go through the horror of divorce and a few years down the line be free of him forever.

He is not willing to be strong. You will need to do it for both of you.

I'm so sorry.

wanjockwai · 14/12/2020 03:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yeahnahmum · 14/12/2020 05:12

He is not gay. Otherwise he would never ever have touched you again
He is just not into you anymore....

But to stay in a sexless loveless marriage where you feel DEAD inside? Just because of nobody in your family had ever divorced? Stop hiding behind faith or religion or culture. Break this bond! You might lose a lot. Maybe even family. But to stay in a sham of a marriage surely isnt the way to live the only life you have for the next 45 years? 45 years of hating yourself. And to feel dead inside. God i couldnt think of anything worse. Dont do it to yourself op

Funkychicken54321 · 28/01/2022 09:36

@Namechanged2124 how are things now. I have just been searching posts about this and I feel exactly the same. My gut is telling me my exh is gay, I have no proof and I may be wrong but this is what I keep coming back to!

I couldn’t live in the relationship anymore, I am a strong person but my situation affective my mental health. I am so so much better now we’re separated but there are a few things I have decided to work through with a counsellor to put closure to that area of my life.

3scape · 28/01/2022 09:46

@MoMoxX
"I don’t think a straight male would laugh and deny it when asked if they are Gay by their wife, in fact they’d be very angry!"

A homophobic person might become angry. But why would someone else, comfortable in their sexuality become angry? I don't think conflating anger with straight male behaviour is very healthy. It's not ok to be angry just because someone is trying to understand your motivation.

Coop80 · 28/01/2022 10:25

Zombie thread!

Purpleavocado · 28/01/2022 10:33

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling this way? Yes, you'll have to be strong to push past those cultural boundaries, but I'm sure you won't be the first woman to do so. Have you tried looking for support groups online? Can you really see yourself living this way for the next 40 years, and not looking back on it with regret?

Flip

1 2 3