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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Gay husband

70 replies

Namechanged2124 · 06/12/2020 14:08

Please be kind. I’ve had my doubts for a few years. Spoken to him and he denies and laughs. He’s never interested in me sexually and over the years I realise it’s always me instigating it. Now that we have reached number of children we planned it seems like in his eyes his job is done and there’s no need to ever have sex again. I have cried and I have tried to find out what he thinks and feels but he closes off and promises he will change but nothing changes. In marriage councelling and he just cries and makes councellor feel sorry for him so I look like the evil wife whose pressuring him for intimacy. I feel really depressed as I feel I’ve wasted my youth on him. I don’t know where to turn.

He doesn’t ever share how he feels and just cries. I just want to know where I stand. I feel I’m an open book and tell him exactly how I feel but he’s very secretive and closed off. I can’t live like this.

OP posts:
namechangefail2020 · 06/12/2020 14:21

Why is gay your go to? Sorry I know it sounds very upsetting but it's odd to go there first! Some men have a low libido and it's hard for them to talk about. If you're unhappy and he doesn't want counselling then guess it's over. Sorry you're having a rubbish time

Northofsomewhere · 06/12/2020 14:21

Have you asked him outright? He might just not be that into sex, it happens but is he intimate or romantic in other ways? I can see you're already trying to get help but I think you need to stress to him how important intimacy is for you (would you be happy with just cuddling or is sex very important too?) And that it could be a deal breaker. Don't stay with him for the kids if it is a deal breaker and the relationship is over, you are important too and deserve to be in a happy relationship from which the kids will also benefit.

HotelliFinlandia · 06/12/2020 14:24

Doesn't matter actually. Gay, straight and not into you, porn addict, asexual. Doesn't matter.

You're unhappy and he's not interested in finding a way through. He's wasting time at the therapy, running down the clock by crying.

This is it, this is him. Do you want to live like this forever, or not? Because those are your options.

HotelliFinlandia · 06/12/2020 14:26

@HotelliFinlandia

Doesn't matter actually. Gay, straight and not into you, porn addict, asexual. Doesn't matter.

You're unhappy and he's not interested in finding a way through. He's wasting time at the therapy, running down the clock by crying.

This is it, this is him. Do you want to live like this forever, or not? Because those are your options.

To add, not interested in finding a way to make you feel better, even if that is saying he simply isn't interested in sex. He's keeping you hanging on. I'm not suggesting he should be having any sex he doesn't want to.
BrumBoo · 06/12/2020 14:28

Gosh, so many husbands on Mumsnet seem to be in the closet.

CoffeeRunner · 06/12/2020 14:29

Are there any reasons you’re assuming he’s gay OP?

As a PP said though, it really doesn’t matter. By not being honest & open in counselling he’s deny you the opportunity to work through the issues.

CoffeeRunner · 06/12/2020 14:29

Denying.

MushMonster · 06/12/2020 14:32

Yes OP. Why are you thinking gay? Any other clues? Gut instinct?
May he have erectile/ physical problems?
Is he affectionate/ complimentary/ protective towards you in other ways?
At the end of the day is not really anout the sex, but if he makes you fell attractive/ loved/ needed? Which he would do if he does feel it, even if he has no libido or other problems.

Namechanged2124 · 06/12/2020 14:39

It’s more gut instinct. No he’s very cold and distant. Shows no love or even respect. Haven’t kissed or even cuddled for nearly 3 years. I’m sick of being rejected so I have stopped trying to.

OP posts:
Namechanged2124 · 06/12/2020 14:41

The reason I think he’s gay is because of the things he says when I try to be intimate with him. Really nasty and derogatory terms he uses towards me which made me feel I might be unusual for wanting sex. It’s recently I’m realising no I’m normal and he’s the weird one for making me feel I’m unusual

OP posts:
Namechanged2124 · 06/12/2020 14:42

I just feel something is not right.

OP posts:
MorganKitten · 06/12/2020 14:45

@Namechanged2124

The reason I think he’s gay is because of the things he says when I try to be intimate with him. Really nasty and derogatory terms he uses towards me which made me feel I might be unusual for wanting sex. It’s recently I’m realising no I’m normal and he’s the weird one for making me feel I’m unusual
I don’t see how it makes him gay, maybe he doesn’t like sex but I wouldn’t assume he’s gay.
DrManhattan · 06/12/2020 14:47

Tell him you are gonna divorce him.

yellowcatss · 06/12/2020 14:47

@HotelliFinlandia

Doesn't matter actually. Gay, straight and not into you, porn addict, asexual. Doesn't matter.

You're unhappy and he's not interested in finding a way through. He's wasting time at the therapy, running down the clock by crying.

This is it, this is him. Do you want to live like this forever, or not? Because those are your options.

my thoughts exactly if your not happy in a relationship you can end it for any reason or no reason
DrManhattan · 06/12/2020 14:47

He sounds like a tool either way

GabsAlot · 06/12/2020 14:47

What sort of things does he say to you-does he comment on other men he sees or other women?

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 06/12/2020 14:48

He sounds like he has issues around Dec outside of the need for procreation, rather than that he's gay! Did he have a very religious upbringing are his family quite prudish etc? Or maybe he experienced sexual trauma in his past and could get his head around it for the purposes of having children but does not link it with intimacy or pleasure.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 06/12/2020 14:48

*sex

HotelliFinlandia · 06/12/2020 14:50

@Namechanged2124

It’s more gut instinct. No he’s very cold and distant. Shows no love or even respect. Haven’t kissed or even cuddled for nearly 3 years. I’m sick of being rejected so I have stopped trying to.
It doesn't matter if he's gay or not.

If he is gay, it's not like this is acceptable behaviour that can be explained away. Gay men who are married don't have to treat their wives like shit, they only do if they're arseholes.

The sad truth is that this isn't working for you and you may never know why. Don't waste your energy trying to figure out why. Save it for yourself and invest it in building a good future for yourself.

MaelyssQ · 06/12/2020 14:56

Whether he is gay, straight, bisexual, asexual - it doesn't matter. He is unkind and unloving. Your marriage is over and it's time to end it officially. There are plenty of men out there who will show you the desire and affection you need. Get shot of him, give yourself an early Christmas present.

MushMonster · 06/12/2020 14:59

@Namechanged2124

It’s more gut instinct. No he’s very cold and distant. Shows no love or even respect. Haven’t kissed or even cuddled for nearly 3 years. I’m sick of being rejected so I have stopped trying to.
After this and the following reply you have, yeap I bet you he is gay indeed. Derogatory towards wives who want sex and affection indeed. He may just be a straight misogynic arsehole, but I am yet to meet one who does not want sex. You have to leave him. You will never be happy and he is going to erode you till almost nothing of you is left. Then dump you. He may even step out of the closest and parade his happiness around you. While you deal with the shit left behind. If he is gay, he will hate you because you get thathe so secretly craves: male attention. And he will try to take that from you, chip by chip. Dump him, today better than tomorrow. Cold, dismissive when approached for intimacy, derogatory! Not worthy.
BigBadVoodooHat · 06/12/2020 14:59

Oh dear, OP. I can well imagine that you don't know where to turn.

I'm afraid I don't have much advice to offer, but if you run a search you'll likely find a lot of other threads along these lines that may be a comfort to you or that may provide useful advice. An awful lot of women who discover, or suspect, that their husband is gay start MN threads on this very issue, so I'm sure a forum search will bring u similar set of circumstances.

SonjaMorgan · 06/12/2020 15:01

Does he listen to Depeche mode?

TurquoiseDragon · 06/12/2020 15:02

@Namechanged2124

It’s more gut instinct. No he’s very cold and distant. Shows no love or even respect. Haven’t kissed or even cuddled for nearly 3 years. I’m sick of being rejected so I have stopped trying to.
OP, don't bother staying for the kids. End the relationship and find someone who is sexually compatible with you.

It doesn't matter whether he's gay or not, he's not interested in you. and don't fool yourself that the kids won't know about any of this. Kids pick up on far more than their parents realise, and right now your marriage is modelling unhealthy relationshipo behaviours to them.

BrumBoo · 06/12/2020 15:03

@SonjaMorgan

Does he listen to Depeche mode?
Grin
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