To not cover for exH's cock ups?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split with exH 2 years ago. After which I moved back to Yorkshire from Scotland with our 2 DC, 4 & 8. He sees the kids EOW (which was the arrangement when still we lived nearby), drives down and picks them up from school on his Friday's at 3.45pm. Sometimes he's 20 minutes late or so because of traffic, and they pop the kids in after school club until he arrives. After school club runs until 5pm.

On Friday I got a call from the school at 5.10pm to say exH hadn't shown up and they couldn't get in touch with him. Luckily I live just 5 minutes from the school so I flew round to get them. They were both sitting in reception upset, especially my 4yo, at having no one to collect them and my 8yo was worried about her dad. Luckily by the time we got home he'd texted to say he was running late as there was snow on the A66 and he didn't ring as he had no signal on that road- and he was gonna be another 90minutes I looked at BBC traffic, no reports about delays on the A66. I'm not friends with exH on Facebook but I did some investigating anyway as I was suspicious, and I noticed he had a close relative getting married in Gretna that day. I figured he was late because he went to the wedding or maybe for a drink after and lost track of time.

I decided I wasn't gonna pick a fight when he turned up, our drop offs and pick ups are very transactional and I want to keep it that way.

Anyway before he arrived the kids were asking where's daddy why is he late, why did he leave us at school. I didn't say he'd been at a wedding as I wasn't 100% sure, so I told them he said he had been stuck in traffic but he should have called the school and it was very bad of him not to.

So he turns up at nearly 7pm - 3 hours late! - with his brother in tow who's "come along for the ride" both in shirts and smart trousers. His brother is tee total so I'm guessing exH had too many drinks to drive and so that's why his brother came along. Anyway I said nothing, sent the kids away.

Got a text late Friday night saying that the kids had moaned at him in the car, saying that mummy said he was naughty to have left them at school and not called. He had a good moan at me saying I don't have to slag him off to the kids I could have just stuck up for him and played it down with them, he couldn't call anyway because of no signal (which BTW is bullshit, the school said that his phone was ringing but went to voicemail). I thought fuck this, replied saying well it's a good job I didn't tell them then that he was actually at a wedding which is why he was late, and no I won't cover for his lies. I didn't want to spend my free weekend texting back and forth, and said as much, but he replied and is sticking to his stuck-in-traffic-with-no-signal story

I'm setting off in a couple of hours to collect the kids and I have a feeling I'm gonna get moaned at for saying he should have rang the school or me. My stance is that it's not my job to lie for him to the kids, I'd much rather they be exposed to the fact that he makes mistakes and that he's accountable for his mistakes. I certainly apologise to them when I fuck up! I'm not going to pretend their dad is also immune from apologising.

Anyway WIBU to have not lied and said something like "Oh Daddy was stuck in traffic, these things can't be helped and he couldn't call the school"? The truth is he cocked up, lied about it, lied again and expects me to play along to this deceptive little dance.

"Oh, I don't know, I'm sure he'll be here soon" and change subject.

Pick your battles OP. Save commentary for if/when he attempts to deride you to the kids then - and only then - comment in an age appropriate way to set it straight. The kids will realise for themselves who is shite as they get older.

FWIW, he sounds dreadful. Well done on getting yourself and the kids some distance for him (and his also useless sounding family).

No, you weren't being unreasonable to lie to the kids.
He was being unreasonable to get drunk at a wedding and forget to collect his children from school. He didn't know that you would actually be able to collect them for him, did he? It would have been better if he wasn't working on the principle of easier to seek forgiveness than ask permission, and he'd just asked you to swap weekends or keep them for an extra night.

He lied so doesn't really have the moral high ground in my opinion. This was his time with his kids so he should have made a backup plan accordingly if there was a risk he might be late to collect (forewarned you, called school, lined up someone else to do the pickup, whatever).

I think what you said is fine. He absolutely must have had signal for at least part of the 1.5 hours he was late for. Not sure who he's trying to kid. As difficult as it is, I would try to not engage/difuse any moan as it's just not worth it! Your kids will grow up knowing what he's like.

You've moved a fair distance away. Cut him
some slack.

Your kids will grow up knowing what he's like.

See I don't think that's actually true if I cover for him and make him out to the kids to be flawless. I've seen people do this and then their kids grow up thinking the sun shines out of their useless dad's arse, and mum is the terrible one (because dad DID slag her off all the time). I won't tell them about the wedding though.

You've moved a fair distance away. Cut him some slack.

I moved home because I was only is Scotland with him because his family were there, I wanted to be near mine (he had an affair didn't particularly want to stick around and see OW out and about, not that she lasted long anyway). I'd been wanting to move back to Yorkshire for years.

And going "a fair distance" doesn't mean you get to stay at a wedding 3 hours longer than planned, pissed, leaving your kids at school all alone. That's no excuse, and no I won't cut him some slack when he's letting that happen to his kids.

I'm leaving for my kids at 4pm, it's also "a fair distance", I will still manage to set off in time and I won't manage to leave my kids all alone somewhere in the hope someone else will be around to pick them up because I'm too shit to get my act together

YANBU, I think if he knows that he will be accountable to the kids every time he lies / fucks up, then he will be less likely to do it again.

He relied on you to pick up the slack, so he should be bloody grateful not berating you.

Whilst I get that you had reasons for moving away, it's often ordered by the courts that the parent who moved should be responsible for all drop offs/ pick ups. So you're in a better position than you might have been by him sharing these with you. In those circs I probably would have not made too much of his being late to your DC.

It's a lot of travelling though for both parents and children, I'm guessing at least 2 hours each way, more if there's traffic.

He’s right to be honest. You shouldn’t have criticised him to the children. Don’t bring them into it, whatever his reason for being late, and whatever your view is on this.

Exact timings are not easy when you’re making such a long journey. He also shouldn’t use his phone whilst he’s driving.

Not defending in the slightest but I'm in Scotland and where I live the weather was horrendous on Friday and loads of roads shut, including parts of the motorway.

@Lavenderfieldsofprovence he wasn't driving, his brother was.

There was no congestion on the A66, I suspect he set off from Gretna with his brother round about the time the school were ringing and he missed the calls because his phone was in his pocket.

The children were asking why daddy let them be alone at school - why should I lie, when in fact that's exactly what he did?

@squishedlemons he's in the borders, not far from Gretna actually, so it would only have been a few miles of Scottish roads.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

I'm leaving for my kids at 4pm, it's also "a fair distance", I will still manage to set off in time and I won't manage to leave my kids all alone somewhere in the hope someone else will be around to pick them up because I'm too shit to get my act together

That you moved. Not him. As has already been said you’re lucky that the onus is not fully on you to do all drop off and pick ups.

@Grenlei we haven't involved the courts, he's done this trip for nearly 2 years and I really don't think that I should be grateful when he fails to inform anyone he's gonna be 3 hours late

@Grenlei

Whilst I get that you had reasons for moving away, it's often ordered by the courts that the parent who moved should be responsible for all drop offs/ pick ups. So you're in a better position than you might have been by him sharing these with you. In those circs I probably would have not made too much of his being late to your DC.

I don’t think that’s necessarily true, there have been threads where women have had to share the driving even when their ex was the one to move away.

So because I moved home, it's ok for him to turn up late when he feels he's got something better to do? But I always have to be strictly on time? Is that how it works til they're 18. FWIW he was fully encouraging in us moving, he didn't want more than EOW anyway and he liked the thought of not being called on because he was nearby if there was an emergency or I needed childcare. This isn't some awful woman dragging children away from their loving dad.

He's a liar and can't even be bothered to hide his lies properly, he is a piece of work telling you off.
I'd have told him to get stuffed.

@Lavenderfieldsofprovence except that he had his brother with him, so whichever of them wasn’t driving could easily have made the phone call! They didn’t arrive to collect the kids until 3hrs after the time expected, that’s not just a traffic delay, that’s got to be not setting off on time with possibly a traffic jam on the way.

I agree it would probably have been better to be vague with DC on this occasion then let rip at him privately, if it’s the first time this has happened. He should absolutely have apologised to his DC for being late for them though.

The point is he had responsibility for the kids and he let them down. I am sure there were service stations with phones etc. The point being he dumped his responsibilitie s- what if Mum had been off and out somewhere - sound like she stays home as he consistently turns up late - its not like after school would have been running until 7pm.

Having said that it might have been best to keep the kids out of it.

He’s right to be honest. You shouldn’t have criticised him to the children. Don’t bring them into it, whatever his reason for being late, and whatever your view is on this.

So what should have OP told the kids, that’s it’s for Daddy to forget them at school? Don’t lie to kids.

You are justifying a man leaving his kids alone for 3 hours and putting the onus on the woman to fix it and keep her mouth shut.

Also FWIW if he informed me beforehand "I'm at Lisa's wedding that day can I come in the evening and Steve will drive me" I'd have said fine. In fact I'd probably have said come the next morning. But he obviously planned on turning up on time for them, but didn't.

Take a step back. You're angry with him, and rightly so. Take it up with him, calmly. Don't involve your kids in the conflict. They really don't deserve to be stuck in the middle.

You are right, its not acceptable. He is their father and should leave earlier than required to make sure this doesn't happen again. He wasn't just late because of the traffic and he knew you would be there to cover for him.