To not cover for exH's cock ups?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split with exH 2 years ago. After which I moved back to Yorkshire from Scotland with our 2 DC, 4 & 8. He sees the kids EOW (which was the arrangement when still we lived nearby), drives down and picks them up from school on his Friday's at 3.45pm. Sometimes he's 20 minutes late or so because of traffic, and they pop the kids in after school club until he arrives. After school club runs until 5pm.

On Friday I got a call from the school at 5.10pm to say exH hadn't shown up and they couldn't get in touch with him. Luckily I live just 5 minutes from the school so I flew round to get them. They were both sitting in reception upset, especially my 4yo, at having no one to collect them and my 8yo was worried about her dad. Luckily by the time we got home he'd texted to say he was running late as there was snow on the A66 and he didn't ring as he had no signal on that road- and he was gonna be another 90minutes I looked at BBC traffic, no reports about delays on the A66. I'm not friends with exH on Facebook but I did some investigating anyway as I was suspicious, and I noticed he had a close relative getting married in Gretna that day. I figured he was late because he went to the wedding or maybe for a drink after and lost track of time.

I decided I wasn't gonna pick a fight when he turned up, our drop offs and pick ups are very transactional and I want to keep it that way.

Anyway before he arrived the kids were asking where's daddy why is he late, why did he leave us at school. I didn't say he'd been at a wedding as I wasn't 100% sure, so I told them he said he had been stuck in traffic but he should have called the school and it was very bad of him not to.

So he turns up at nearly 7pm - 3 hours late! - with his brother in tow who's "come along for the ride" both in shirts and smart trousers. His brother is tee total so I'm guessing exH had too many drinks to drive and so that's why his brother came along. Anyway I said nothing, sent the kids away.

Got a text late Friday night saying that the kids had moaned at him in the car, saying that mummy said he was naughty to have left them at school and not called. He had a good moan at me saying I don't have to slag him off to the kids I could have just stuck up for him and played it down with them, he couldn't call anyway because of no signal (which BTW is bullshit, the school said that his phone was ringing but went to voicemail). I thought fuck this, replied saying well it's a good job I didn't tell them then that he was actually at a wedding which is why he was late, and no I won't cover for his lies. I didn't want to spend my free weekend texting back and forth, and said as much, but he replied and is sticking to his stuck-in-traffic-with-no-signal story

I'm setting off in a couple of hours to collect the kids and I have a feeling I'm gonna get moaned at for saying he should have rang the school or me. My stance is that it's not my job to lie for him to the kids, I'd much rather they be exposed to the fact that he makes mistakes and that he's accountable for his mistakes. I certainly apologise to them when I fuck up! I'm not going to pretend their dad is also immune from apologising.

Anyway WIBU to have not lied and said something like "Oh Daddy was stuck in traffic, these things can't be helped and he couldn't call the school"? The truth is he cocked up, lied about it, lied again and expects me to play along to this deceptive little dance.

But I would go down the route of ‘I don’t know. You’ll have to ask your dad’.You’re not lying AND you are giving him back the responsibility to explain why he was late.

The problem is, that ends up with a situation where not only is his shittiness NOT exposed but he can turn the blame on me - and he does. You'd be amazed the drivel he can come out with. My lovely 8yo tells me EVERYTHING he says, some of it disparaging towards me. They are very defensive of me though and say they don't believe him. He once told DD, when asked why we don't all live together any more, "mummy didn't care about our marriage enough to stay" . I told DD he didn't care about our marriage enough not to get a new girlfriend behind my back - not my finest hour as DD was only 6 but it had really been a rough time and that was SUCH lie. I've never told her how young the 'mistress' (victim) was though

@byebyeboyee

Wow there's Alot of fine examples of why dead beat dad's get away with crap here. I think you told them the truth (as presented to you) in the best manner you could there was no reason he couldn't call and kids aren't stupid you taught them that you should always call when your going to be late.

This. Of course the other parent should be slagged off by the other. But there’s not a chance in hell I’d be making excuses for a parent who’s effectively abandoned their children at school for 3 hours because they were too busy out on the piss. If the op had got pissed and left her children at school with no arrangements to have them collected, there’s every chance ss would have been informed and the children placed in care while she was located

@WandererLost they're spending the first Christmas away from me and I'm absolutely dreading the lack of presents they'll get from him. He's so tight. And I'm certainly not sending the ones I've bought with them as they won't come back. But like I say he has a big family so hopefully they won't notice (he will probably spend a tenner on them he's tight AF)

[quote GlummyMcGlummerson]@Lavenderfieldsofprovence he wasn't driving, his brother was.

There was no congestion on the A66, I suspect he set off from Gretna with his brother round about the time the school were ringing and he missed the calls because his phone was in his pocket.

The children were asking why daddy let them be alone at school - why should I lie, when in fact that's exactly what he did?[/quote]
I can understand you were frustrated, I just don’t think your children deserve to be dragged into it.

I think you were right to say it. I covered for my useless ex for years to try and make my child feel OK. So when he really screwed up it was even worse for them. A bit of accountability isn't a bad thing

Cant you text SiL to remind her to buy them presents, adding WHAT to buy for good measure?!

I hope pick up went ok, I agree with everything you did apart from calling him naughty. That would have caused the dcs tension and I would have done it too have learned just to state absolute facts if necessary and then dcs fill in the gaps

Why are people so quick to defend terrible dads on here?! Yet don’t accept it the other way round. A mum got blasted on here for not calling the nursery by 10am to tell them she’d be late a few weeks ago.
If he didn’t have signal (doubt it) he could have used his DBs phone, a pay phone, wifi at the service/coffee shop loads of different options that any normal parent would use rather than leaving their children scared and worried.
I’d tell the children the truth in an age appropriate way otherwise you might get to their pre teen years and it’ll be one Disney dad lie too many that pushes you over the edge. I also think it’s important to let the children know they are right to be disappointed in him for this.

You don't have to lie to the kids. You could have just left it that daddy was stuck in traffic. You didn't have to add in about him being naughty not phoning - it just sounds like you having a dig about their dad.

and I'm not defending him. He should have contacted the school or yourself if he was going to be late. But its important with an ex to pick your battles and belittling their dad doesn't do you any favours. You don't have to make excuses for him either. If kids ask why he didn't phone then you just say - daddy said his phone was dead - as thats what ex told you.

You owe it to your children to tell them the truth. They are developing their sense of what’s right and what’s wrong. They are trying to understand their gut feeling. They know it feels awful to be forgotten, not a priority. Don’t gaslight them by covering up for your ex, your children will only end up with a warped sense of how they are being treated.

My BFF had a similar ex. She wouldn't lie for him about being late because hungover, not showing because golf, etc etc. She just said (as a PP mentioned) "I don't know why, you'll have to ask Dad". The only thing she did was when their DS was very young she wouldn't tell him when his dad was scheduled to come because he was such a frequent 'no show'. But she did that for their son, not for him, because he'd sit on the stoop and wait patiently for hours for that loser to show.

Of course he lied to their son about his shortcomings, her 'denying him visits', and a lot of other shit too, but the day came when their son realized that his dad was lying and that he just wasn't a priority with his dad. When that day came her DS really understood then how much he could trust his mum because she had always been honest with him and never made excuses for his sorry-ass dad.

Don't lie and don't cover. Just remember the old saying "Give him enough rope and he'll hang himself". It may take some time, but it will happen.

" Just remember the old saying "Give him enough rope and he'll hang himself". It may take some time, but it will happen."

I agree with that.

Perhaps " I don't know why Daddy's late-he hasn't called to tell me?"

I agree with asking them what that they think and let them fill in the blanks as much as possible. I also agree with age appropriate truth and not covering for shitty behaviour.

"How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" is an excellent book that is really good at explaining how the DC brain develops and how to handle all sort of difficult situations so that your DC come out with a solid understating of who they are and having confidence in their own thoughts and feelings.

Perhaps send him a copy for Christmas 😂😂😂😂😂

YANBU

If kids ask why he didn't phone then you just say - daddy said his phone was dead - as thats what ex told you.

But his wasn't dead/out of range - don't you see how that's being complicit in a lie @Waveysnail - a lie that meant my children were distressed and I have to pick up the pieces.

Protecting your children doesn't always mean shielding them from what horrible people are like - it's about showing them what is and isn't an acceptable way to act towards your loved ones. It wasn't acceptable that he didn't call ahead, they need to understand that and protecting them is showing them that their feelings of upset are validated.

Tell them the truth e.g. 'He's stuck in traffic' 'he's running late' Don't bring your bittnerness and rightful hatred for him into it. You're not saying you want the kids to know what's he like because it benefits them, you're angry that they look up to him because he's their Dad and don't know what hell you've been through with him. When they're older they will understand they are being let down. You will only make your kids miserable and him angry if you tell them he's lying or put them last. It's not fair to you, granted, but it is fair to them to keep them happy.

As for Christmas, plan to have a second christmas with you as soon as they get back. Do a christmas dinner, presents, tree etc. They'll be thrilled and you still get your day with them.

You're in a shit situation and I'm sorry you're in it but you have a choice of making this really difficult and upsetting for your kids or to keep them happy and make the most of a bad situation.

Oh and pick up was fine. He said nothing but he knows I caught him out in the lie. DD said when they got in the car, when I asked what they'd got up to and who they'd seen, she said daddy rang granny yesterday morning to come get them as he had a hangover 😂 he don't actually seem that pissed on Friday but he doesn't handle drink well at all. And they had a lovely day with granny too!

Oh I didn't "drag them" into anything - they said "but why would he just leave us in school alone". He'd fucked up, they were upset as a result, it's not on me to paper over his shit parenting. I just said it was bad (didn't use the word naughty I hate that word, they said that to him though) that he didn't call the school, he should have done it

you're angry that they look up to him because he's their Dad and don't know what hell you've been through with him

No I'm not. I'm pleased they have love for him and that I don't have the hell of them not wanting to go to dad's house.

You will only make your kids miserable and him angry if you tell them he's lying or put them last.

I didn't tell them anything like that. I said it was bad he hadn't called the school. They should know that wasn't acceptable of him.
.

Cant you text SiL to remind her to buy them presents, adding WHAT to buy for good measure?

He's obviously had a lifetime of wimmin picking up after him.

@BloggersBlog Cant you text SiL to remind her to buy them presents, adding WHAT to buy for good measure?!

LOL!! I'd be so tempted if I had this week asked her to not get in touch with me again 🤣

@IsFinnRogersDead

Cant you text SiL to remind her to buy them presents, adding WHAT to buy for good measure?

He's obviously had a lifetime of wimmin picking up after him.

Yep!! He comes from a family that worships The Mighty Peen (in my last thread about the exSIL someone accurately get he was from a small Scottish town apparently they can be like this 🤣). I wasn't especially a popular member of the family when at large family gatherings when the unspoken order was the women prepared food in the kitchen and helped wash up/carry drinks/entertain children while the men sat on their arses in the drawing room drinking beer, and I'd be joining the men getting dirty looks from his 4,056 aunties the whole time

He's a prick why should you lie for him.

id say sont lie either you didnt go off on one you jsut told the truth

my nephew seems to think the sun shines out of his fathers arse even though he hardl bothers with him-mabe if he knew the truth from a young age he wo9uldnt worship him now

dont*