To not cover for exH's cock ups?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split with exH 2 years ago. After which I moved back to Yorkshire from Scotland with our 2 DC, 4 & 8. He sees the kids EOW (which was the arrangement when still we lived nearby), drives down and picks them up from school on his Friday's at 3.45pm. Sometimes he's 20 minutes late or so because of traffic, and they pop the kids in after school club until he arrives. After school club runs until 5pm.

On Friday I got a call from the school at 5.10pm to say exH hadn't shown up and they couldn't get in touch with him. Luckily I live just 5 minutes from the school so I flew round to get them. They were both sitting in reception upset, especially my 4yo, at having no one to collect them and my 8yo was worried about her dad. Luckily by the time we got home he'd texted to say he was running late as there was snow on the A66 and he didn't ring as he had no signal on that road- and he was gonna be another 90minutes I looked at BBC traffic, no reports about delays on the A66. I'm not friends with exH on Facebook but I did some investigating anyway as I was suspicious, and I noticed he had a close relative getting married in Gretna that day. I figured he was late because he went to the wedding or maybe for a drink after and lost track of time.

I decided I wasn't gonna pick a fight when he turned up, our drop offs and pick ups are very transactional and I want to keep it that way.

Anyway before he arrived the kids were asking where's daddy why is he late, why did he leave us at school. I didn't say he'd been at a wedding as I wasn't 100% sure, so I told them he said he had been stuck in traffic but he should have called the school and it was very bad of him not to.

So he turns up at nearly 7pm - 3 hours late! - with his brother in tow who's "come along for the ride" both in shirts and smart trousers. His brother is tee total so I'm guessing exH had too many drinks to drive and so that's why his brother came along. Anyway I said nothing, sent the kids away.

Got a text late Friday night saying that the kids had moaned at him in the car, saying that mummy said he was naughty to have left them at school and not called. He had a good moan at me saying I don't have to slag him off to the kids I could have just stuck up for him and played it down with them, he couldn't call anyway because of no signal (which BTW is bullshit, the school said that his phone was ringing but went to voicemail). I thought fuck this, replied saying well it's a good job I didn't tell them then that he was actually at a wedding which is why he was late, and no I won't cover for his lies. I didn't want to spend my free weekend texting back and forth, and said as much, but he replied and is sticking to his stuck-in-traffic-with-no-signal story

I'm setting off in a couple of hours to collect the kids and I have a feeling I'm gonna get moaned at for saying he should have rang the school or me. My stance is that it's not my job to lie for him to the kids, I'd much rather they be exposed to the fact that he makes mistakes and that he's accountable for his mistakes. I certainly apologise to them when I fuck up! I'm not going to pretend their dad is also immune from apologising.

Anyway WIBU to have not lied and said something like "Oh Daddy was stuck in traffic, these things can't be helped and he couldn't call the school"? The truth is he cocked up, lied about it, lied again and expects me to play along to this deceptive little dance.

What would have happened if you weren't in a position to pick them up? He's a twat and you were right to not lie for him.

@Brakebackcyclebot I'm not putting them in the middle I answered a question as to why did daddy leave us at school. I said because he says there's a traffic jam but he was bad not to have called. Which is true (though I am actually covering a lie).

I feel like I took it up with him after he text me and he denied it - so nowhere to go from there really. But he's never wrong and he's convinced that the kids see him as some sort of bad guy (not in relation to me, they come home saying he has been mean or shouted at them all weekend, and apparently that's my fault too). So he will likely have a bee in his bonnet about this I reckon.

@lazyarse123

What would have happened if you weren't in a position to pick them up? He's a twat and you were right to not lie for him.

I'm a teacher, by a certain time the local authority is called if no one can get in touch with parents. I mean I'd have got a friend or someone to collect them but still. I think they got a fright bless them when nobody showed up by the time after school club shut up shop

@GlummyMcGlummerson you are right. He pulled a dick move, and he didn’t have to. He could have arranged something in advance and chose not to.
He could have been honest about what time he would actually arrive when he was first got hold of, and he wasn’t. He knows he screwed up and he’s taking his guilt out on you. If you’re trying to teach the kids to be accountable when they make mistakes, and to make sure they consider other people not just themselves when they’re making decisions then you couldn’t really have told them anything different, except perhaps to say that you weren’t really sure what had happened and daddy should explain himself when he got there.

I feel for you, you’re kind of in a no-win situation with him whatever you’d said.

The kids were sat at school waiting for him for an hour and a half, they are going to feel bad about that.

Adults own up when they make a mistake, apologise and say it wont happen again. They dont try to blame the injured party, or others for failing to cover up for them.

It's irrelevant in this instance that the op moved. Things happen, even on short journeys that genuinely can't be helped but the onus is on that person to sort it out, either by contacting the school or someone else (and if it's the op being genuinely grateful that they are helping you). As the op said, he could have asked her ages ago, maybe arranged as a one off to come on the Saturday instead or swap a weekend. There were lots of alternatives to leaving the kids feeling abandoned and upset, inconveniencing the school and taking it out on the op.
In terms of the kids they are a maybe a little young to be criticising him but I'd not say you should protect him forever.. My ex gets his arsed covered by me frequently, but now the kids are older (young secondary age), I am being more open about things if their lives are made harder by something he has done or not done.

Yanbu. Don't make excuses for him. He was late and lied about why. The kids were unsettled and worried, that's on him not you.

@GlummyMcGlummerson has your ex got flying monkeys monitoring Mumsnet to make sure he gets 'fair representation'? Jeez between this and your other one I'm surprised you haven't just thrown in the towel!

You're not unreasonable, of course not. You didn't say anything untrue to your kids, I'm not sure why you shouldn't tell them it's rude to not tell people you're going to be late? Also not sure what your agreement re pick ups and drop offs have got to do with it but there you go.

Not making an excuse for him if he definitely went to the wedding but the weather was bad on Friday. We had snow here and DH gets the Fell reports and nearly all were covered so A66 might have slowed traffic because of the weather conditions. Check Cumbria Constabulary web page it may tell you more. The signal is bad on that road and other parts of Cumbria. We go to the Lakes a lot but he should have phoned the school at some stage if he was going to be late. He would have got a signal somewhere. Different if he was on his own but two of them one could keep trying.

He’s the cunt who shagged a 17 year old child, isn’t he?
I do hope he pays for after school club when he’s late. Our one charges extra for emergency care and a prohibitive fine of £5 for every ten minutes or so late.

He’s an absolute arse (as you know) and YANBU at all.

OP, no you most certainly don't cover for him, but you don't offer commentary on his crapness either, you dont have a conversation about it with the kids, other than to allow them to talk about how they feel if they bring it up. Let his crapness speak for itself. No covering, just empty space for the kids to work it out for themselves. They will. Kids aren't stupid.

If he derides you, though, defend to the utmost. Don't let any derision stand unchallenged, ever - that's the area which leads kids to grow up thinking a useless Dad is marvellous.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that you absolutely should have told them exactly why he was late.

I went through this with my ex and the kids were so messed around by him. I spoke to my health visitor who said "just dont lie for him. Tell them the truth". I spoke with their nursery who said the same. I spoke with a child psychologist who said the same.
Do not lie for them. Just tell the truth. Dont add in personal derogatory comments. Dont add bitchy comments. Just tell the truth.

You should have said "dad went to a wedding today. He stayed too long and didnt answer his phone so the school called me. Your dad is now on his way but he will be very late".

Don’t you have something really important to do on a Friday afternoon? Something that means the school can’t ask you to pick up the pieces for him? Because I don’t agree that you have to always pick up the pieces ‘because you’ve moved away’.

I agree that lying to the dcs isn’t a good idea. But I would go down the route of ‘I don’t know. You’ll have to ask your dad’.
You’re not lying AND you are giving him back the responsibility to explain why he was late. He will soon run out of excuses!
If the dcs ask you if is ok, then I would answer in a general way
Eg. Yes it is important to arrive on time. It’s disrespectful to others to always be late because they might have other things planned etc....

@Bowerbird5

Not making an excuse for him if he definitely went to the wedding but the weather was bad on Friday. We had snow here and DH gets the Fell reports and nearly all were covered so A66 might have slowed traffic because of the weather conditions. Check Cumbria Constabulary web page it may tell you more. The signal is bad on that road and other parts of Cumbria. We go to the Lakes a lot but he should have phoned the school at some stage if he was going to be late. He would have got a signal somewhere. Different if he was on his own but two of them one could keep trying.

I doubt it added 3 hours to his journey. (I live around that area too)

He could also have contacted the OP to let her know so the dcs weren’t worried.

The children were asking why daddy let them be alone at school - why should I lie, when in fact that's exactly what he did?

So the kids don't feel even worse? You don't have to make him out to be flawless but I think criticising and blaming him and calling him naughty to them is really unhelpful. Air your opinion to him for his behaviour not them. He's their Dad.

I agree, don't lie for him.

At the very least I would say 'I don't know where your dad is or why he didn't pick you up, he says he is going to be a few hours late.'

I always covered for my ex. I told my children that their dad was busy at work and he hadn't really forgotten them, that I was sure their birthday presents would appear next week or that his promises of taking them to XYZ next week were detailed by an urgent work thing he had come up.

It really backfired on me when they became pre teens. But I learned my lesson and from then on, I just shrug say 'I don't know' when they ask me where he is or why he doesn't keep his promises or ever, ever buy them a present.

My ex used to be 2/3 DAYS late to pick up, let alone 2/3 hours! He moved abroad and was forever on standby when flying back. I simply didn't tell the children he was coming until after he had landed and in his way!

I agree with you. The kids deserve the truth presented in a kind way if possible.

So I would do some obfuscation to protect the kids, but I wouldn't outright lie to cover for him. And if he picks them up 3 hours late, of course you're going to be annoyed. Because it's not ok, and the kids shouldn't be made to think it's ok. The 4yo was upset and the 8yo was worried, and those feelings are valid.

He's pissed off because he screwed up and you won't pretend he didn't. That's wifework, and you no longer need to do it. What was he expecting to happen when he didn't collect them from school?

I think you were fair. You didn't lie for him, but neither did you massively slag him off for the sake of it. I would do exactly the same.

Wow there's Alot of fine examples of why dead beat dad's get away with crap here. I think you told them the truth (as presented to you) in the best manner you could there was no reason he couldn't call and kids aren't stupid you taught them that you should always call when your going to be late.

What a shame he couldn't tell the truth/ask to change the time/weekend.

If you had just said that they were stuck in traffic, would it occur to them that he could/should have phoned?

Idk.

If I didn't say he was wrong not to call someone, it wouldn't have been because I was covering for him, I suppose it would be to avoid any grief from him & to not criticise him to the kids.

has your ex got flying monkeys monitoring Mumsnet to make sure he gets 'fair representation'? Jeez between this and your other one I'm surprised you haven't just thrown in the towel!

Lol, I suppose there can't be many people in my situation and he has a HUGE small-town-dominating family so probably! Having a lovely coffee at Penrith now, a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach about him. Bleurgh. I may just text and tell him to send the kids out to the car. I don't do more than collect them from the door step anyway.

He’s the cunt who shagged a 17 year old child, isn’t he?

Yes, he is. Hence not willing to stick around for me and kids to watch him and his poor victim of a 'mistress' galavant about a town I hated anyway. Poor girl luckily only lasted about 5 minutes with him though.

I do hope he pays for after school club when he’s late

Nope, but if he's only 10 minutes away they don't usually charge. They will for Friday of course and the teacher who stayed usually picks her baby son up form his nursery at 5.15pm and will be getting a £20 late charge . On the upside she assured me they will be billing Ex for it all.

I think you were wrong to criticise him to your children - calling him naughty for not calling.

If a father is regularly an arse, then sure - honesty is best and explaining it to children is better. But if I understand you correctly, this is the only time in 2 years that he’s pulled a stunt like this?

His kids love him. They would be uncomfortable with you talking badly of him. You risked creating tension for them. Their loyalty is divided and it’s hard for little kids to hear criticism of a parent. You could have said, “Daddy should have called school, I don’t know why he didn’t.” - not actually called him naughty to them.

From an adult point of view YANBU to not cover up for the lies of another adult. I totally understand why you’d not want to.

However, from your children’s point of view, they don’t deserve to hear their Mum saying anything bad about their Dad, or vice versa.

I know it’s not fair on you. But at this young age you paint their world for them. Discord between you and their dad will affect them their whole lives.

For now, until they’re older and will start to see him as he is anyway, try to play it neutral as a PP suggested. “Oh I’m not sure why he’s late but don’t worry as he’s safe and on his way”, is all they need from you. You’re not covering for him but rather saying you don’t know but there’s nothing to worry about. They can then ask him and it’s up to him what he says to them.

I totally get you are mad and feel he should own his own mistakes. He should. But that mental load doesn’t need to be put on little children’s shoulders.