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AIBU?

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Original poster

When did your adult kids stop going on holiday with you?

99 replies

chocolatesaltyxmaspudballs · 06/12/2020 13:15

We were talking last night about what we might do for holidays next year when the restrictions are lifted. Background: we are both on second marriages, I have a 17 yo and husband has a 20 yo in second year at uni.

My daughter will be 18 next year and has already said that she wants to go on holiday with her friends. So my thinking was that we would have plenty of time for holidays on our own and I was pretty much thinking that our days holidaying with kids were over.

Then husband pipes up that he has to factor in something with his son. I said won't he want to do something with his friends? Which sparked a bit of a row because he said 'you wouldn't cut your daughter off so quickly like that.' I was a bit Hmm because I'm not 'cutting her off', but the fact is I'd expect her to have her own life and not rely on her mum for holidays, except for maybe the odd exception where we might have a girls holiday.

So my question is AIBU for wanting to just go on holiday with my husband without having to accommodate another grown man into the equation?

OP posts:
BecomeStronger · 06/12/2020 16:43

@lockdownalli

I don't think I know any couples who spend all their holidays together. Most of my friends mix it up with holidays with their DP, holidays with their friends and no DP, holidays with their DC and no DP, holidays with DP and other couples/other families.

I would say it was quite unusual to only holiday with your partner/spouse. I totally understand why you don't want to go on holiday with DSS to a place you don't want to go to. But I don't know why you seem surprised that DH and DSS would enjoy such a trip together.

Do you? I'd say quite the opposite. In my fairly wide circle it would be unusual for couples not to holiday together. An occasional short break with friends yes, but not an annual holiday.
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 06/12/2020 16:45

I hope ours will always want to come with us. Not every time we go away, but an annual holiday would be ideal.

Twobrews · 06/12/2020 16:46

I've been on three times holiday with my parents once since I left home at 19. Two of those were short metals for big birthdays.
DH hasn't been with his since he was 16.

My sister, his sister and one of his brothers still holiday with our respective parents regularly and they are all mid thirties, married with children.

Our eldest is 21, I can see her coming if we were going somewhere unusual but not if it was a standard beach holiday. I don't know if DS 16 would come to anywhere beachy either anymore, he hates hot weather.

Twobrews · 06/12/2020 16:47

*short breaks not metals Hmm

lockdownalli · 06/12/2020 16:49

Sorry @BecomeStronger I think I may have expressed myself badly. Of course we/they do holiday together with their DP, just I don't know anyone who does this exclusively.

My group of female friends goes away for a week every year together and again for probably two mini breaks.

Probably all of us holiday with our DC as well, without DP. I spent ten days in California with adult DC last summer, just me and them. Best mate took her DD to South Africa for a week.

I accept we are all different though - just as well eh? Smile

MotherExtraordinaire · 06/12/2020 16:55

Well, I'm mid/late 40s, and we still have family holidays with parents! In fact all of my siblings do, sometimes all of us, sometimes just some. The children love it and this is the one thing that got them down about covid!
We also have holidays as individual units and other combos.

At your children's ages, I would have still wanted to be included, even if to decline...

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 06/12/2020 16:56

@ErrolTheDragon

Once DD got to uni age we did a mix of holidays with her and not, and her doing stuff with her friends. It's not an all or nothing thing. Clearly holidays with adult kids are only appropriate if everyone wants to do them.

( we had holidays/minibreaks with just the two of us when she was on school ski trip, DofE etc, as I'm sure is commonplace)

I agree with @ErrolTheDragon, it doesn’t need to be all or nothing and it’s only worth going on holiday together if everyone really wants to visit the destination.

My two are 15 & 12 and they already don’t really want to go on holiday with us unless it’s somewhere they’re interested in. That’s fine with us, we like city breaks and who wants to drag reluctant teens around? We did it when they were younger and more flexible...my memories of a holiday in Paris include sightseeing and playgrounds....we alternated between activities🤣

I think your DH can ask his son whether he’d like to come along, but he shouldn’t be surprised to be turned down. Or, his son might want to bring a friend ( who’ll have to pay their way). I went on a long haul holiday with my parents at 19- it was an interesting place and we were visiting relatives. They offered to pay pay my airfare and I brought my own spending money.

After that we took any trips as adult companions
(I paid my way) sometimes just me and one parent.

CounsellorTroi · 06/12/2020 16:57

@lockdownalli

I don't think I know any couples who spend all their holidays together. Most of my friends mix it up with holidays with their DP, holidays with their friends and no DP, holidays with their DC and no DP, holidays with DP and other couples/other families.

I would say it was quite unusual to only holiday with your partner/spouse. I totally understand why you don't want to go on holiday with DSS to a place you don't want to go to. But I don't know why you seem surprised that DH and DSS would enjoy such a trip together.

My DH and I do only holiday alone these days. We have no children but we did used to holiday occasionally with our parents when they were alive. I've never been on holiday with friends since I got married. Am I unusual in that? It's not that either of us would mind if we did, we just don't.
ScruffGin · 06/12/2020 17:04

Wow, I'm 38 and we still go on holiday with my parents Grin however not every holiday!

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 06/12/2020 17:05

My adult dc are not my dh's. We still holiday together..

HopeTheHeraldAngelsSing · 06/12/2020 17:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on request of its author.

LindaEllen · 06/12/2020 17:14

I think they should be invited for as long as they want to be - certainly for as long as they live with you. Even if they do go away with their friends, that doesn't mean they can't go on the family holiday too.

Obviously if they're 18 or over you'll need to consider who's paying for it, and it's important they don't just use you for a free holiday .. but on the whole, yeah, invite until they don't want to go!

My parents kept inviting me until I moved out at the age of 27.

LynetteScavo · 06/12/2020 17:15

DS1 hasn't come on holiday with us since he was 16. The wearing black jeans on the beach and general teen misery wasn't worth it. DS2 is excitedly asking where we're going next year (he'll be 18) I suspect we'll be taking him and any future partner of his with us for the foreseeable future. He's already told me he's never moving out. Meanwhile DD1 tells me he's never returning to his shit hometown after he finishes uni. There's no right or wrong, and every DC is different. I think you need to accept you have another couple of years of holidaying with your DS.

marialuisa · 06/12/2020 17:18

If your DH accepted you don’t want to go to stay with his relatives in cold place, why would accepting that each of you use a few days leave for separate parent and child breaks be a problem? Saying you resent him going on holiday alone with his son sounds a bit mean-spirited.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyxmaspudballs · 06/12/2020 17:25

I don't resent him going on holiday with his son at all. But I resent being made to feel guilty that I don't want to join them.

OP posts:
Parky04 · 06/12/2020 17:26
  1. DS was so miserable and clearly didn't want to be there so we stopped taking him and went on our own. That was 5 years ago and our holidays are now so much more relaxing!
Original poster
chocolatesaltyxmaspudballs · 06/12/2020 17:27

Also, he will 100% expect to be paid for. The last holiday he had with us he didn't put his hand in his pocket once, not even to buy his own ice cream or whatever. And yes, he has money.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 06/12/2020 17:33

Watching the thread! Our DS’s still like to holiday with us 19 & 17, can’t see it changing anytime soon. They like the bank of mum & dad!

Phyzzy · 06/12/2020 17:38

I guess families with parents still together may choose to go away together more often.
Also, he will 100% expect to be paid for. The last holiday he had with us he didn't put his hand in his pocket once, not even to buy his own ice cream or whatever
A 20 year old student isn't exactly earning a living.

I pay for mine and don't let them put their hand in their pocket. I'll continue to do so as long as they want to come. Partners welcome as well. I do it because we all enjoy it as a family and of course I can afford it. If money was tight I would still try and do it but a cheaper holiday.

CoRhona · 06/12/2020 18:06

Completely agree with @Phyzzy

DuzzyFuck · 06/12/2020 18:06

The last time I went on holiday with my parents in the context of a family holiday they were paying for I was 17. Since then I've been away with my Mum or met up with them when we've both been on holiday in the same place but always paying my own way.

YANBU to question it when his son is 20. If he doesn't want him to miss out can he pay for/contribute to him going away with his friends/partner?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 06/12/2020 18:14

The wearing black jeans on the beach and general teen misery wasn't worth it.

@LynetteScavo🤣🤣 I could so see this happening with my two. It g up as the happened yet as beach holidays are the one type they’ll consent to go on with us. Or an interesting visiting a rainforest-type one ( we haven’t actually done one, but they would go).

Re. Students making a financial co tribute on. It was more the principle of it for my parents. At 19, they weren’t going to pay for my souvenirs, but in reality, they paid for all the meals, etc.
I had a holiday job most of the summer so there was no reason why I couldn’t pay for my own postcards.

nancybotwinbloom · 06/12/2020 18:23

If he's expecting to be paid for that is a conversation you should have with your DH.

AliceMck · 06/12/2020 18:23

Ffs hes an adult I'd want a break like you. Surely he wouldn't want to go on his own with you.

YANU

saraclara · 06/12/2020 18:26

The fact that my 'kids' still like to have holidays with me (and their partners are also willing to) - and sometimes invite me on theirs, is one of the things that reassures me when I'm having a bit of self-doubt about not always having been the best parent that I could have been.

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