When did your adult kids stop going on holiday with you?

[chocolatesaltyxmaspudballs]

We were talking last night about what we might do for holidays next year when the restrictions are lifted. Background: we are both on second marriages, I have a 17 yo and husband has a 20 yo in second year at uni.

My daughter will be 18 next year and has already said that she wants to go on holiday with her friends. So my thinking was that we would have plenty of time for holidays on our own and I was pretty much thinking that our days holidaying with kids were over.

Then husband pipes up that he has to factor in something with his son. I said won't he want to do something with his friends? Which sparked a bit of a row because he said 'you wouldn't cut your daughter off so quickly like that.' I was a bit because I'm not 'cutting her off', but the fact is I'd expect her to have her own life and not rely on her mum for holidays, except for maybe the odd exception where we might have a girls holiday.

So my question is AIBU for wanting to just go on holiday with my husband without having to accommodate another grown man into the equation?

@chocolatesaltyxmaspudballs

Just to be clear, if my husband wants to take his son away, I won't be going. We don't like doing the same things so it just wouldn't work.

so how is your husband and son going away together to do something they both enjoy any different from you assuming you and your daughter might do a "girly" holiday in the future

Is he living away at uni? - if so he must be fairly independent so not sure why that is such a cause for concern!

I stopped going on main family holidays when I was about 19 or so, but between 17-19 went on ones with friends as well as family. Since then I've got on holidays on my own, with friends, with partners, with just my mum for my 21st, with my sisters, with my whole family for parent's 60th, with parents, siblings and partners just for a break....I've lived independently since I was 18, don't think going on holiday occasionally with my family somehow negates that! Lots of lads go away with their dads and brothers to follow the football/rugby, for example, why on earth would that be weird or showing a lack of independence?

I can fully see why the presence of your adult step son on a holiday would be a different dynamic than just you and your DH, and if you'd rather go just the two of you then fair enough. It was slightly different for me because I was the eldest so would never have been the only "child" on any family holiday. But I don't see why this means your DH can't also go somewhere with his son, now, or even when the son is 30 if they both want!

When you stop paying.

Our DSs still enjoy coming with us but I'm under no illusion that they'd still come if they had to pay for themselves and sacrifice a holiday with mates.

They'll stop once they have partners who don't want to go on holiday with the ILs until they need babysitters

Once I was 17/18 I went away with my friends, but also went away with my family. Stopped when I was about 22 and graduated. Have been on holiday with them and In laws a number of times since I've been with DH from age 25 though but we generally pay for ourselves now, unless either of the sets of parents hires a big cottage etc in Cornwall and they ask if we all want to go. Same with DB and SIL

@thevassal because he'll guilt me for not wanting to join them. He has extended family who I've never met living in a cold country which I don't really have any desire to visit. He's said over and over 'you've never been to X with me'. I did once offer to go for a long weekend but he never organised it. He stays with extended family and I don't really like staying in other people's houses. That's where he'd want to go with his son.

I can't imagine ever telling one of my sons (currently 17&19) that they weren't welcome on holiday, I'm generally thrilled that they still want to come, although also accepting if they don't

That said, I also can't imagine refusing to visit DH's family just because it's cold where they live and I'd be devastated if DH refused to visit mine for the same reason.

OK so your problem is actually nothing to do with your DSS - it's that your DH wants you to go on holiday somewhere you don't want to go?

You should probably get the OP deleted and start again

Just tell him you will never choose to go on holiday to such a cold country/staying in someone else's house. If he continues to bully you about it you have a more serious problem.

With regards to holidays with adult DC, I regularly go on holiday with my adult DC in various combinations - me and DS, me and DD, me and DD/DS/DDIL. I also go on holiday with DP or with D Friends (Covid aside, I go on a lot of holidays! I don't think there is anything weird about it. They also go on holiday with their DPs, their friends, and they even go on holiday together just the two of them as siblings.

To be fair the issue is both really - it uses up holiday time for my husband doing something I don't want to do, and being totally honest, I don't want to go on holiday with my SS.

I guess I'll just arrange something with friends to use up my equivalent holiday time.

That's the spirit! Arrange to do something fabulous with your mates and have a blast!

Ours are 26 25 and 22 all still come on family holidays with us. We all live separately now so it's good to all be together and catch up/

DS is 21 and DD 17. We all went to Iceland this summer and the plan is to all go to Sicily for Easter 2022.

Not sure about summer 2021. Both want to go with friends if they can but may also join us visiting PIL in Spain if the timings are OK

DS couldn't come with us to Germany in summer 2019 as he had a summer job. We really missed him.

DC will always be welcome to join us on holiday if they want. I'm assuming that whether they accept or not will depend on where we're going!

I think that the difference is that they are both our DC and we enjoy doing the same things. We all like exploring, walking and sightseeing. If they just wanted to lie on a beach and expected us to do the same they could stay at home!

@whiteroseredrose what kind of Iceland trip did you have?

17yo DS2, who rarely expresses an opinion on anything, really wants to go to Iceland. I'd be happy to splash out on one last big family holiday but I can't find a way to do it for 4 adults for less than £10k

Mine still come with us at 22 and 24 and long may it continue.
Up to a couple of years ago they both came on our main summer holiday. They would go away with friends as well.
In the last couple of years (does 2020 count?) they have done a UK break with us and DC2 came with us abroad.
Next year I think it will be a short break only wirh DC, and DH and I will do our main hols without them.

@BecomeStronger it cost just over £5,000 for four of us all in for a week. That included Easyjet flights, apartments, car hire, petrol and all food and 'experiences'. Everything went on a credit card so we know exactly what it cost. They are cashless so we never saw the currency!

We were supposed to have gone at Easter but of course that was cancelled. Instead we went in the summer, just when it looked like everything was opening up again. It meant that we could self drive but we didn't see the Northern lights unfortunately.

If you want you can PM me and I'll give you the details.

I took my 25 year old son to Vegas & New York last year
We had a great time
The year before we did San Diego & LA
Year before that Miami & Jamaica
This year we had 2weeks in New York but that got cancelled
I think most years since he was a baby we have had a holiday together but he also did a few lads type holidays to Ibiza and Majorca when he left school

Sadly this year he met his partner so we wont be going anywhere next year I expect 😂
I also manage fit in a few holidays with my husband as well but not this year 😂

If we are going somewhere interesting, my 20-somethings will still occasionally come with us.

My adult children only go on holiday with us if they can afford to pay for it themselves. Most times they can't and do their own holiday

Our DSs were always happy to come on ski holidays with us but stopped joining us in the summer when they were 18 or so. However since they have had their own kids, they are very happy to come along. Though the annual family ski trip, due to take place on 10 Jan, was cancelled this week, there will be ten of us if we manage to escape Covid restrictions in August for Caribbean sun and beach. We pay, so that is something of an inducement. Suits us, suits them.

I hope never.

19 year old comes with.
29 and 27 year olds haven't for the last 2 years but will be going away for a week next year and certainly would come if skiing was on the cards !

We still take ours (25&26) and their partners on holiday each year car all live in different countries, so getting together for a week in a neutral country is the holiday highlight of my year. They also go other holidays without us (which they pay for)

I stopped when I went to university, so the summer I turned 18. I went youth hostelling in the Lake District with two friends instead.
Then, when my mum turned 70 (so, about 24 years later, we had a family weekend away and enjoyed. Since then, as well as weekends away for big birthdays and anniversaries, we have a family week away in a holiday cottage every summer.
The younger generation does everything for the week - finding, bookìng, catering etc and it is now the highlight of the year for our parents.

Dd is 31 and still comes with us. As does ds 26!!

Wow. I'm really surprised at a lot of the responses.

Maybe the difference here is that he is not my child. I guess families with parents still together may choose to go away together more often. That's not my situation.

My children are in their 20's; my daughter stopped coming away with us some years ago (her choice) but my son still comes and I pay. I love it! I would only stop going on holiday with my children if they no longer wanted to come.

I don't think I know any couples who spend all their holidays together. Most of my friends mix it up with holidays with their DP, holidays with their friends and no DP, holidays with their DC and no DP, holidays with DP and other couples/other families.

I would say it was quite unusual to only holiday with your partner/spouse. I totally understand why you don't want to go on holiday with DSS to a place you don't want to go to. But I don't know why you seem surprised that DH and DSS would enjoy such a trip together.